All who wander are not lost..JRR. Tolkien

Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm

I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I haven't posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...Always the rescuer heh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..Then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...Then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...Her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsened as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...Where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultrum for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.

At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...

Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...And IM resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...That I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...They have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...Doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? Or drug users? Or people who have trouble staying in one place?

*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.

posted by Shell at 11:06 PM
Monday July 25th 2005

There is no program that "fits" me unless I checked myself into a hospital that deals with the disorder. I don't feel like I need to be hospitalized . I can leave this situation and get another one...or can I fight the bureaucracy and get an advocate to help me through this particular crisis..I feel frozen I cant make a rational decision...There's just too much going on....So I am going to break it down and see if I can't figure it out...

Tuesday July 26th

I am fighting myself to stay put..I get my disability check next Monday...My mind is screaming at me to just pack up and head on out...Anything would be better than feeling like I failed myself yet again....I have not begun to pack...As I am trying really hard to figure out a rational response to the latest...Ok so I need to write down everything that has happened thus far...So here it goes..

I moved into My Sisters House, thinking that it would be a safe place for me to work things out, find out what is on my credit report and pay some of the bills so I can rebuild my credit. The only current bill I had was to SBC for my phone (internet) which I shut off when I left Big Rapids. I was told that I could get a phone after 90 days. So I wanted to pay that off. My case manager said I shouldn't pay any bills until we discussed it, and went on vacation. When I got the first check in the house I spent some of it on my kids...Tony is raising 4 kids so I bought the grand babies some shoes and an outfit...I spent around 50 dollars on Heather for school supplies she is a graphic artist living as a non traditional student in the dorms..(everything she owns is in her room that is shared by another student) her space is very limited. since I have been homeless for over a year I have not been able to do anything for either of them. They are my life...the kids are what kept me going for years. I am in menopause suffering from empty nest syndrome without a nest...lol
So my case manager comes back from vacation and was upset with me for spending money on the kids, and said to hang onto the money the next month. I again asked her if I could pay on the phone bill she said no. In the house there is a pay phone in the hall way that is community and had a posted 5 minutes per day phone limit, which was not followed by any residents...One in particular would tie up the phone for hours. I didn't get messages from my kids or the resources I was linking to. So the next month I went and bought a cell phone, I had to place a 125 dollar deposit on it. And it cost 125 dollars for the first month and activation. I did not ask permission. Each time I asked to discuss where my money should be going I was looking for feedback so I could make the decision. This is where we (case manager and I) started butting heads. Instead of discussing anything that I was doing it was like I was a little kid in the darn whipping line. So I bought what I wanted screw it my rent was 180 bucks and I could spend the money anyway I chose. (Self sabotage) Because I want to fix the situation I am in....The case manager had already made up her mind that I didn't "fit" ......*sigh
Since I made a purchase that was determined by my credit history I requested the copy of the credit report used. I showed the paper work to my case manager and she signed it and sent it out after I changed my address on my license, which I did the next day. Ok the time line on all this is a little fuzzy....
I got a counselor at cherry Street Clinic
A physician at St, Marys Clinic
I got wrote up for having my kids over on Mothers Day as it fell on a weekend and I didn't get prior authorization...The kids didn't even know if they could make it until Saturday night....And I could not have seen them all if I didn't watch the twins in the morning. Tony went to pick up my grandson from visitation and his sister (my daughter) from her dads, there would not have been enough room in the van for all of them.
I got wrote up for missing a curriculum class..They changed the address of meeting places..I was not informed of where it would be...So I went to the wrong place.
I got wrote up for not having a full 20 hours in for volunteering I was called a liar about my disabilities as I don't look sick and the first volunteer position I had was too physical, sorting cloths for In The Image, and I fell on the sidewalk....And a paper the case manager received from my doctor said "Patient states she has PTSD" so she assumed I had self diagnosed after being given a copy of this blogger.
I got the fourth write up for missing a case manager meeting when I was up all night the night before with what the doctor thought might have been appendicitis....I was then asked to sign a 60 day contract...More later..I'm tired

Thursday July 28th

Self sabotage

1. I live with other people so I don't have to be alone with myself
2.When someone in authority tells me I have to do something I rebel and do the complete opposite...comes from my immature coping skills..I did it with my Dad if I was going to get beaten I was going to deserve it.
3. I live in the cycle of abuse...I surround myself with dysfunctional people- co-dependent
4. Negative self talk interrupts the positives.
...

While all the above was going on I started developing a fund raising event for a program here called Shepherds of Independance...it is on hold as I haven't come to a decision...and don't know when I can fix this....

Saturday July 30, 2005

I am exhausted, today I slept until 4 in the afternoon..it will be hard to sleep tonight... I applied to a few apartment complexes to appease my case manager but I skipped last weeks meeting with her...I don't want to make any rash decisions and I don't feel like arguing my points because they don't seem to matter anyway. I have had several offers from friends on line to come and stay with them..but I know in my heart that I need to work this out alone. I also know that running away isn't the answer either. Yesterday my daughter stopped at the house and brought me a very early birthday present. She was on her way to Canada with her college friends. Her present was a lavender pillow like I had given to her last year, you lay it over your eyes and the smell of the lavender and the darkness helps to bring on sleep. She also put some bath salts in it which was for muscle relaxation. She designed and made the card and we reminisced about her art maturity...She has developed a professional attitude about her art I do believe she will go far. She also supports anything I choose to do, and wants to speak with the case manager before I leave as she feels like they are doing me a huge disservice by asking me to leave. Well it's 10:30 and I need to walk home so I'll say goodnight and I'll try and write some at home...til then Peace Shell

Sunday July 30th

(:45

I get my check tommorrow, I think I'm just going to take off somewhere anywhere...I can't do this desicion stuff...I still don't have a home my heart is in a million pieces everyone thinks I am this strong person with goals and ambitions what they don't see is just how messy the real me is. I was told by the latest therapist that I would have this PTSD forever it isnt going away I cant make it go away either...Shit I can't even figure out that I just needed to pay bills...is that why I didn't "fit" ? I have known for a long time that I don't "fit" ... I am a puzzle with too many pieces missing to ever make a whole picture... Uncle