Victims come and Victims Go....Bob Seger No Mans Land

No Mans Land Bob Seger

Headin' in or headin' out
Standing on the shore
Pause a moment to reflect
Which trip costs you more
Between the ever restless crowds

And the silence of your room
Spend an hour in no man's land
You'll be leaving soon

Victims come and victims go
There's always lots to spare

One victim lives the tragedy
One victim stops to stare

And still another walks on by
Pretending not to see
They're all out there in no man's land
Cause it's the safest place to be

But sanctuary never comes
Without some kind of risk
Illusions without freedom

Never quite add up to bliss
The haunting and the haunted
Play a game no one can win
The spirits come at midnight

And by dawn they're gone again
And so it seems our destiny
To search and never rest
To ride that ever changing wave
That never seems to crest
To shiver in the darkest night
Afraid to make a stand
And then go back and do our time
Out there in no man's land


I am definitely doing my time in No Mans Land... Once again I am the victim... I left the transitional housing not having figured out why I didn't "fit"
I am actually relieved to not be there... am I afraid to make a stand? Probably so... I went up to Ferris with my daughter for a couple days. I took her niece and nephews with me so she could be an Aunt... then had a picnic with both my kids and the Grand babies. Last night after the grand babies went home my daughter and I had a night of chatting. She wanted to know about her brother and his Dad, and she was trying to sort out some feelings she is currently dealing with regarding her Dad. She wanted to know if feeling bewildered or a little insane was appropriate. It seems that her Step mother who was very abusive to Heather as she grew up was back in her Dads life after they divorced ( I still haven't written about all of that). Now this woman is acting like nothing ever happened and that she is responsible for Heather's art interest and her success at college. I told her no, that I feel the same way about my Dad... the abuse did happen it wasn't a figment of our imaginations, and that abusive people won't admit to the damage they have done. She is also losing her Aunts on her Dads side as they are all considerably older than my side... I wasn't allowed to go to her Grandmothers funeral and she wanted me to be there for her when she loses her favorite Aunt... I assured her I will be there for her... We talked til the wee hours of the morning then I came back down here to GR..

So back to figuring out me:

I make myself the victim: I'm not really sure how I made myself the victim in this circumstance.. Why I was accepted into the program and suddenly after two weeks one of which my case manager was gone for... I suddenly didn't "fit"

I do know I self sabotaged... Instead of speaking up about the housing money and why I didn't want to pay that bill, when it doesn't show up on a credit report...
Note to self Pay what is on that report...

I do know I am stuck on that "not fitting" The potential to self abuse is there... Let it go...

I fought the urge to just run for longer than I ever have... the kids know that is why we moved so much when they were kids... when I didn't feel "safe" we moved...
but that was only part of the time... the others were more a result of being a single parent and bad cars and sick kids... I still am not running but I am still trying to process the current situation. So I need to give myself an Atta Girl here.

I'm following through with the housing leads I have and if I can't figure something out by the end of the month, I have a friend who needs an advocate... the problem there is... will I be repeating the rescue someone else so I don't have to deal with me... or can I separate the need for winter housing... more thinking time is available before I take that step but Identifying that potential is another Atta Girl for me...