I moved into my apartment the December following the last trip to Wrightsville. A small studio with a subsidy. By small I mean around 12 foot square. Enough room for my little kitchenette and a bed a small table and a shelf for my craft supplies. Spending my days crafting and surfing the Internet when I had enough money to go to coffee shops or was lucky enough to catch a signal.
I visited my grand kids as often as I could, the youngest was born a year ago July. She is adorable despite living in a shelter the first 5 months of her life. the promise I made myself in 2005 was a declaration of the things that I had identified as being things that made it hard for me to function. It still holds true. Dysfunction makes me dysfunction.
What made it harder was the fact that the only real dysfunction I encountered was that of my own child. He is hardly a child he turned 26 this year. I posted blogs on my tribe profile in the past year. http://people.tribe.net/620c3482-40a1-4231-9f0e-6218d0f4ec55/blog
I like tribe and it's interactive community. Stayed plugged into what I was feeling and even made a few friends along the way. I got to go catch Bob Seger's Face the Promise tour in his opening concert here in Grand Rapids. You can see the pictures here: http://s57.photobucket.com/albums/g236/electricseashelly/?start=40 . I met up with a dozen Segernet.com members, including the owner Eric Verona, and the writer of the Segerfile.com Scott Sparling.
I took thousands of pictures in the year and a half some good some not lol but I have a great time looking for opportunities, I usually carry my camera wherever I go. You can catch my photo's now on my Picasa albums and of course I choose my favorites to post here :A Journey to Self through pictures
I also have a myspace.. but don't use it much.
Without rehashing the events of the last couple months let's just say I was triggered and moved into a one bedroom apartment. I spent the last week not sleeping except very short naps, not being able to eat much, craving sweets or maybe just wanting to stuff it had I had money I probably would have tried to satisfy those cravings. ( I eat my way out of stress sometimes) I started seeing a therapist about 4 weeks ago, he agreed to not make me rehash the stuff I've documented here which is cool, I knew I was in trouble when I went to him trying to tell the whole story before dealing with what is happening now would only take longer to get back on track. He agreed to come here and read it so we could stay in the present. THANK YOU
He also suggested I come and write again.. so here I am. :)
Of course I'm not all better or anything but as usual I reached out for help when I needed it. "Atta Girl"
I have these thoughts running through my head:
"son of a bitch here we go again"
"I need to protect my grand kids"
" I feel guilty and have regrets about some of the things that happened to me and my kids when I raised them alone"
"Shell you did the best you can with what you had at the time"
"I am treating my son like my parents did me, not respecting and trusting him"
" My son has lied and made some bad choices"
" I made a ton of bad choices when I was his age"
of course there's plenty more... some of them are self bashing, which only hurts me, so I need to identify them as such and change it to acceptance. I did what I could do with the skill set I had. then tell myself that my son too is doing the best he can with the skill set he has.. I need to tell myself that even if it might not be true, I just don't know what to think about where he is concerned. He tried to use my PTSD against me in the last few weeks. He was upset with me for contacting CPS. I forgive him for it and recognize where it came from. I also respect my decision to contact CPS it was the right thing to do given what's happened.
I found a card I gave to myself when I started this journey, when I was going through the kids pictures that I have , they looked happy and they were.
Sometimes in those pictures we were going through some stuff that I thought would scar them. I wonder if pictures existed of me when I was a kid if I would be looking happy or was I wearing a tortured face? Since I had repressed the memories I suppose I looked like they did...anyway I copied what the card said and my daughter and I are going to put it on a poster so I can see it more often and remind myself just how far I've come.
You probably feel like the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders right now,
And if you move the wrong way,
It’s going to come crashing down.
That has to be an exhausting feeling,
And I wish the load didn’t have to be so heavy.
But I want you to know I admire the way
You keep going and doing,
what has to be done.
You might be thinking
What choice do I have?
But there are many who would'nt be able
To hold up under your circumstances
Who would'nt have your inner strength
or convictions for doing the right thing.
I hope there will be pockets of time
When you can find some relief and rest
I hope you make every effort to take care of yourself,
Because you’re a good person,
And you’re very special to many people.
Please count me as one of them.
Kay Andrew
( It was a Hallmark card : Thank you Kay for the send off on my Journey and the reminder that I am a good person and special p.s If anyone knows how to send the thank you to her personally I would love to hear from you.)
