Abandoned and Isolation

I was asked by my therapist to write about isolation and abandonment before my next therapy session.. this is gonna be a tough one.. I like to try and deny that either one existed or exists.. currently I am self isolating... crawled into my shell as the world is too much... thats the nature of PTSD. I can come here and talk and chatter without fear to a large degree, as I said to Gypsy Doc the other night.. its easier for me to write a conversation than to be in a live one.
The past is responsible for that reaction. From father and boyfriends and even some people I never met. I felt I could never really share in a conversation.. whatever I had to say was wrong. The longer it went on the less intelligent I felt.. I have grown from that knowledege.. I do attempt some conversations even though the physical feelings, sweating , nausia, fast heart beat, then occasionally complete block of conversations...when I just cant think...happens.. then I feel lost and isolate to pout I lost another battle. Each encounter is a battle.

I felt abandoned by my mother when she died.. I felt abandoned by God when she died. I felt abandoned by my family (Dad and Siblings) and still do, I'm the black sheep or one of them I should say.. my siblings went through periods of time when they were the center of negative pidgeon holing and back stabbing conversations. I felt abandoned by the quack doctor.. Sometimes I even feel abandoned on the net.. especially when I need confirmation on something and cant get it.

Isolation is a technique used by abusers, when I was in a relationship with my daughters father he isolated me.. it was a gradual thing and not something I could identify as such when it was happening. He systematically turned me against the friends I had or made them think I was not the person they thought they knew. After he isolated me from friends he moved my son and I to a remote location where every phone call was long distance, and took away my transportation. Thats when the real abuse started. I left him 6 months later with nothing but the clothes on our backs and paperwork that showed who we were. I left with the landlord when he came to pick up the rent check, and found out later that day that I was pregnant with my daughter. The friend I called wondered why it had taken me so long to see, what he had done..
His response was to first try and discredit my thoughts,, like I was imagining the abuse or deserved it. Then it was threats... then it was my daughter needed two parents... I suffered through 18 years of abuse from that man giving him access to his daughter.. and yes I felt abadoned by him as well....

Currently I have been isolated to a large degree self imposed. It's safer for me. The last time I tried to become a active member of the world and even considered trying to find a job was when I was in Wrightsville NC. It was when Katrina had devasted New Orleans and the evacuees flooded every part of the US. I needed subsidized housing and could not find it as they got preference. Which was fine I was in Wrightsville because I was running.. fight or flight response..

The self isolation has a few parts to it... one I stay pretty much in my apartment unless I have an adventure with my children or grandchildren.. which isnt too often. My sons dysfuntioning has the potential to make me dysfunction so I try to limit the exposure to it.
The other part and perhaps the most hurtful or creator of the empty heart is the no real friends part. No spouse.. boyfriend or significant other..I have been abandoned or hurt and seem to draw abusers...so many times I just cant seem to bring myself to risk it again.
So that makes a fear of being alone in my world isolated but vulnerable.. lonely and wishing it were different.
......

The Shell

I had a therapist appointment yesterday both physical and mental.. My psych doc wondered if there wasn't a connection to my use of Shell in more of a turtle likeness than my name or seashells.
Because of the way I hide, recently like in the last 3 or 4 months I found myself isolating myself in my apartment, pulling into the shell? I do go out but if I do it's with my kids or short quick trips which exhaust me.
It started after I had a confrontation with a girl where I live. Her behavior triggered me and the anger I don't know how to manage welled up and I was ready to kick her &*^. Totally out of character for me. I can't stand fighting, loud exchanges, fighting is stupid there are no winners. I usually walk away and tuck it in somewhere in the recesses of my body (like a turtle). It's not healthy and I know that stuffing things can cause physical pain. Which is probably why I went back to physical therapy. Ya Think? LOL
So anyway the new physical therapist is holistic which is pretty interesting. He found my left side is extremely tense which throws my spine out of whack. My exercises consists of relieving the pressure and relaxing the tense areas.
My psych doctor sent me here to get in touch with some of my anger issues
so that's what I'm working on.
Let's see if Shell can come out of her shell and express the suppressed anger.