I talked to KK an online friend a little while ago, who wished me a big fuck yer day which is burner speak for Love ya have a great day... and we talked about being 50 which is just around the corner for him...
Then my daughter called a few minutes later, she needed her mommy, which was the best present I could have gotten today, just knowing that she needs me was an incredible relief.
I'm sure I will hear from more people today and life goes on...
OK so for the rest of the update
I'm not in therapy I'm not on medications
I am depressed
My grand kids are still going through drama at a pretty fast pace, my son got out of jail still has a PPO listed so he wasn't able to go to the house to visit the kids, but finally persuaded the mom to let him visit at the park. Then she put him back on daycare and doctor contacts, only to be told that he was being investigated by CPS for abuse to the oldest girl.. which was total bull.. so he hasn't been able to see the kids for a little over a month.. she very rarely lets me talk to them on the phone and wont let me have them here at all.. which was just as well since I had rats in my apartment...
Icky and gross and scary... I couldn't sleep in my apartment I didn't feel like they were acting fast enough.. submitted a complaint with the owners, and was moved into a small room for sleeping... each time I needed to go into my apartment I would feel sick, I was separated from my belongings and couldn't enjoy life at all. I wanted to run I didn't care where just away from here.. I need help with my rent which I get here in the form of a rent voucher from MSHDA but apparently I cant take this voucher anywhere.. its all very confusing... so anyway I've moved into a unit on the second floor its a cute apartment with a ton more light coming in, so if I can get past the thoughts of the rats... I should be OK..
There is still a longing to move closer to my grand babies but also the fear of being too close to the drama that surrounds them...
All this stuff has brought up my inadequate coping skills to the PTSD and with the Grand Valley Nursing students help we have come up with an experiment to help me make connections in my thought processes when under going an episode.
They made me a notebook and a scoring system to track what I'm thinking, feeling and reacting to. They are going to provide me with a relaxation box with things that will help me to calm my thoughts...With a reward system for making it worthwhile, not that I don't think its worthwhile.. it is!! See if I can make my brain process stuff correctly then eventually the triggers and reactions will become less intense and more manageable.
So for now.. that's about it.. Til next time Love and Peace Shell
