PTSD Recovery, A Journey to Self

*Sigh

2010-02-06T01:47:00.002-05:00

This blog got really long.. of course now it's 2010 September of 2008 was a lifetime ago as far as my disorder goes... the rats set me up for a slide into depression followed by pneumonia and COPD and congestive heart failure that I didn't have but that's what site diagnosis does so well it pigeon holes me all the time.. I became a recluse completely isolating myself after I struggled to get

July August and September

2008-09-19T11:11:00.002-04:00

Wow three months just flew by didn't they? But as I was living it it was painfully slow and hard to make it through them. Today I turned 50 years old and I didn't think I would be this um whats the word.... goofy lol yeah I feel goofy I usually spend my birthdays as just another day, and I'm sure that in retrospect it will just be another day on this journey. I talked to KK an online friend a

June Update

2008-06-30T15:36:00.001-04:00

Hello friends, It's been a long month, mostly spent inside. I went on a canoe trip for memorial day.I had a run in or rather a confrontation with the truth while there, I am too fat. Oh yeah that doctor told me years ago Im obese yeah its true... :( My girlfriend and I attempted to ride together we chose the fat bottomed canoe thinking it would be more stable... instead I made it pop a

News n updates

2008-05-05T01:55:00.000-04:00

Well beyond my helping to save 62sq feet of rainforest...My youngest child will be graduating from college a week from today.. I'm very proud of her and a little proud of myself for struggling all those years. Finally a Mothers Day that will have a better connotation than ones past. Mothers Day was always a reminder of what my family and ex's felt.. that I was a failure. Obviously I wasn't,

2008

2008-01-01T11:13:00.000-05:00

(picture is of the card my daughter and I made this year)Happy New YearWell I made it through the holidays.. Yeah!!lol It wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be.. I have a new grandson.. born December 10th.. 6 totalI set up some new boundaries as far as my son and his family goes, I just need to remember that I am healthier when I'm not so stressed out.Can't wait for spring is it here yet?

Taking a break from the deep stuff

2007-10-16T18:23:00.000-04:00

From Otsego Marchi...I found myself avoiding sleep, and first spoke with my therapist who thankfully has agreed to not go into any thing that makes me think about all the hard stuff.. so I'll be posting for a little while on my picture site. Today I uploaded two sets of my nieces videos of her Marching band performances(YouTube). As well as pictures of the band on Picasa I went to both of them

I don't want to know what makes me cry in my sleep

2007-10-07T06:44:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I went to Otsego for my nieces Marching Band invitational. I stayed at my youngest sisters house and spoke to my oldest sibling for an awkward brief moment. She is adopting the second child from her foster care, siblings who will have a better life than what they were destined for had they stayed with thier drug addicted parents. We have a history I'm not quite sure how to explain

Abandoned and Isolation

2007-09-27T11:54:00.000-04:00

I was asked by my therapist to write about isolation and abandonment before my next therapy session.. this is gonna be a tough one.. I like to try and deny that either one existed or exists.. currently I am self isolating... crawled into my shell as the world is too much... thats the nature of PTSD. I can come here and talk and chatter without fear to a large degree, as I said to Gypsy Doc the

The Shell

2007-09-06T12:10:00.000-04:00

I had a therapist appointment yesterday both physical and mental.. My psych doc wondered if there wasn't a connection to my use of Shell in more of a turtle likeness than my name or seashells.Because of the way I hide, recently like in the last 3 or 4 months I found myself isolating myself in my apartment, pulling into the shell? I do go out but if I do it's with my kids or short quick trips

Failure or learning Curve

2007-07-14T20:58:00.000-04:00

While recovering from the first time I fell apart, choice of words… hhmm ok when things got so confusing .. ok honestly I don’t know what the hell happened.. after a string of stressors pushed me off what I could handle? Anyway I was in the hospital outpatient, going through alcohol withdrawals and self medicating with mary.. I was asked to invite my parents to speak with a therapist. They

Assignment

2007-07-08T00:24:00.001-04:00

Posted here: http://shell-shellssea.blogspot.com/

Recovery Within

2007-07-01T19:04:00.000-04:00

I titled this segment recovery within because these episodes of extreme stress is ultimately inside the recovery from the PTSD. I've come a long way from my diagnosis in 2001. I've had several people suggest that I should put on my airmask like that of the jet going down in flames. I did that already when I went to the therapist. I've actually been wearing the mask since I checked myself

No Pills and no therapy.. made it for a year and a half.

2007-06-29T23:09:00.000-04:00

I moved into my apartment the December following the last trip to Wrightsville. A small studio with a subsidy. By small I mean around 12 foot square. Enough room for my little kitchenette and a bed a small table and a shelf for my craft supplies. Spending my days crafting and surfing the Internet when I had enough money to go to coffee shops or was lucky enough to catch a signal.I visited my

Linking my blogs

2007-03-25T18:30:00.000-04:00

In moving this blog to new blogger I encountered some snafu's but made it here with underdog LOLanyway I created a new blog in the process which mirrored this one but now its going to be a Journey to self, through pictures.. check it out.. I'm an amature photographer at best but it's become a great way for me to relax.I've even started making videos which is a lot of fun.Please feel free to

It Worked I'm here

2007-03-23T14:16:00.000-04:00

Attempting to transfer

2007-03-22T14:00:00.000-04:00

Please workIve cleared cache and cookiesenabled what I was supposed to..already have my google account...deleted all the members so it wont search for them.. here goes nuttin

2005-12-29T18:08:00.000-05:00

Flyfree MichellePosted by Picasa

2005-12-29T17:14:00.000-05:00

MichellePosted by Picasa

2005-11-03T15:35:00.000-05:00

Hey friends, I am back in Michigan as some of you know I went to North Carolina again. I was running, I knew it on some levels. I had convinced myself that I wasn't but I felt like I had lost all that I had gained. I couldn't face another holiday hiding from my family and all the emotions. In North Carolina I found a shelter to stay in right away I asked God to help me figure it out. I

Victims come and Victims Go....Bob Seger No Mans Land

2005-08-10T17:13:00.000-04:00

No Mans Land Bob SegerHeadin' in or headin' outStanding on the shorePause a moment to reflectWhich trip costs you moreBetween the ever restless crowdsAnd the silence of your roomSpend an hour in no man's landYou'll be leaving soonVictims come and victims goThere's always lots to spareOne victim lives the tragedyOne victim stops to stareAnd still another walks on byPretending not to seeThey're

All who wander are not lost..JRR. Tolkien

2005-07-26T16:41:00.000-04:00

Sunday July 24th 7:30 pmI want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I haven't posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...Always the rescuer heh? Well anyway it

Welcome 2005

2005-03-09T12:18:00.000-05:00

Welcome If you have PTSD then you are already living in hell. A very dear friend of mine said: "It's not about the Destination it's all about the Journey"" If you feel like your going through hell...well my friends that's not the place to stop." I wholeheartedly agree.PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder what is it?How did I get it?Do I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?The chaos I

Happy Thanksgiving

2004-11-25T04:14:00.001-05:00

Wow...I have a lot to be Thankful for... I got to go on an incredible Journey ...A Journey to Self it may seem like a short Journey to you but I still don't remember the first 9 years of my life. I do NOT want to open that Pandora's Box.It may happen and God help me when it does... The knowledge that I still have something in my past that my brain couldn't handle back then, is the catalyst to

Hi, Friends

2004-11-15T23:06:00.001-05:00

Today is well... It's another day in the life of PTSD....My daughter bless her heart was disowned by her Power and Control Freak Dad...It wasn't enough to make me move away from her...He tried to control her when he bought her a phone for college... He reads her mail...Instead of helping his 19 year old child wade through the college paperwork he accuses her of lying...It's been this way for all

Hi, Friends

2004-10-21T19:00:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm sitting still for the moment, I am back in Michigan. I am the assistant manager to my Chronic Pain Site if you have chronic pain it's a great place for support. I have been off medication for almost two months. My mood is fragile, in that the slightest things sometimes makes me cry. I am going to see my therapist soon, at the Sundance Center for Equine therapy. I have

It's been a while

2004-08-26T10:44:00.000-04:00

src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> Hi Friends, I know I haven't posted in a while, I apologize. I have been very comfortable here at my friends and have dealt with a lot of emotional stuff. I also visited with

Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer

2004-08-08T19:23:00.000-04:00

Sunday. July 7 2004 Sent to mail...8/21 “You have to say it to believe it” + me = recovery I began this week by reading from a book a friend gave me, since I began my Journey with a book and I was reminded to seek clarity. I even stayed in a mission , and attended services and read from the bible. Heard a number of speakers come, who seemed to speak

I am a Survivor

2004-08-04T19:05:00.000-04:00

sent to mail 7/21 I can't do this...I can't pretend to be friends...By pretend I mean that you see no hope for a future...Where my hope is justing becoming true...We spoke (typed) about our fellow hope...and also said I am raw..my heart is bleeding it's been so wrapped up in barbed wire that I thought I might bleed to death...I can see myself changing for the better, accepting me for who I

New Plans

2004-07-29T15:04:00.000-04:00

Hi friends, sent to mail 7/21 I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have a tendency to put other people first, I worry about what they are doing and I sometimes forget that I should be worried about where I am going. I have been working hard at trying to keep things in perspective in my own world. Which is why I am

Shells Photo Album

2004-07-27T22:00:00.000-04:00

sent to mail 7/29 Hi, Its me and one of my cake decorating masterpieces, a five tier butterfly garden. Posted by Hello

Music is in my Soul

2004-07-17T01:48:00.000-04:00

sent to mail 7/29 The first friend who introduced me to my life of a music lover was a fellow named Kevin. I haven’t seen him since 1977. He played the bass, could handle himself on a drum set and he played rhythm guitar. He also gave me my first kiss, on the banks of the Sacromento River, I so love the river. He was way too young for me being 2 years my junior and me being 4000 miles away from

WHOA!!!!

2004-07-10T23:16:00.000-04:00

Hi Friends, sent to mail 7/21 I titled this piece "whoa" because I need to regroup, chaos is threatening, or should I say looming. I traveled a lot of miles in the last few months. Some of the mental miles (If you have PTSD then you know what I mean) didn't feel as tiring as the mental mileage I've gotten since being back here. I have been

The Fourth of July

2004-07-05T19:02:00.000-04:00

Hi Friends, Still alive, I am currently camping on Lake Michigan with my 23 year old son and future daughter in-law her three children a 4 year old and 18 month old twins. She is now 5 months pregnant. If you have been with me throughout this journey than you already know the kids are the reason I went on the traveling portion of my Journey. They (both son and daughter in law) do not have the

Fathers Day

2004-06-21T18:47:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I am leaving Kansas on a Journey back to Michigan, I am feeling very melancholy. I do not want to go back to Michigan I don't feel like I should be going there yet. Where I should be is the golden question. Yesterday was Fathers Day my son called to wish me a Happy Fathers Day I was his Father and Mother as he grew up. His genetic Father as I explained earlier was an alcoholic

Lap 1

2004-06-19T14:30:00.000-04:00

In a couple days I am going to complete a lap around the USA, Having traveled for four months in chronic pain has been a challenge and some say I am courageous. I don't feel courageous, and I feel just as lost as when I set out in February. I have no home, I have no monetary assets, and really no future. I'll eek out a future but it's so hard to plan for the future when you can't let go of

Arrested Development

2004-06-07T17:23:00.000-04:00

Well this is hard to admit to I thought I had it figured out. I rented the trailer then called the Electric Company to have the Utilities put in my name..."150 dollar deposit, and we can turn that on for you mame" "Oh your a first time user here it will cost you 40 dollars to have it hooked up." I had enough for rent not for all that...I immediately told the landlord and he refunded my

Good News!

2004-06-02T16:32:00.000-04:00

Hi Friends, Thanks for the prayers they did marvelous things. I found an apartment. Well rather a studio apartment, very small but a place to reside. It's not too far from Dothan and I can afford it. I don't have a computor there, and it's a little too far to walk. So when I come to town I'll try and come here to the library and give you all an update. For now I have a doctor and a

"Brand New Morning"

2004-05-30T15:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends, I know you'll be dismayed after reading this post, but I am OK. I need to find another place to stay and don't have a clue as to where to go. I don't have enough money to get an apartment but do have enough to buy a tent. I have camped before and I can do it again. I won't be able to access my email as regular as I have in the recent past. I received a copy of Bob

PTSD all mixed up

2004-05-21T15:27:00.000-04:00

Hi Friend, I've been here a month and have discovered a lot about myself which is cool but, I was supposed to live by myself for a while. It hasn't worked out that way actually it is border line chaos. I was staying with my friends Aunt, my friend had an arguement with her mother whom she lived with. So they are staying with the aunt as well. I love having the kids around 3 of them all

God helps those who help themselves, even when they have PTSD.

2004-05-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

Wow that was powerful stuff, I'm feeling liberated to a certain degree. A friend of mine had a hard time reading one of my earlier posts as my feelings smacked of a very depressed person. Let's face it I am. I need to find the connections to what happenend in my past in order to change the corresponding negetive path in my brain. Now that I have identified that the flashbacks of being beaten for

PTSD Plea?

2004-05-15T00:09:00.000-04:00

Friday, May 14, 2004 A Journey to self, PTSD recovery http://shellssea.blogspot.com Michelle Hazard To Whom it may concern, If your reading this then you have already accessed my site. Due, in part to my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I began this chronicle. To chronicle my Journey, one I took very seriously. I raised two children on welfare. The statistics are, that as a single

Interactive blogger

2004-05-13T17:43:00.000-04:00

Hi friends you can now click on the comment in blue at the bottom of each post. If there isnt one I havent yet opened it for comment. If you would like it opened please ask here in this one I will consider it. Thanks Michelle

Mothers Day

2004-05-10T16:35:00.000-04:00

Accolade Kalamazoo Gazette She's learning her way to a self supporting life Michelle Hazard may have no phone and no car and, until now no education beyond high school. But she has more gumption than a host of other Kalamazoo people together. In Hazards first term at Kalamazoo Valley Community College which ended April 29, she pulled down a neat 4.0 grade average. Thats all A's.

The Power of Negative Thinking

2004-05-04T11:55:00.000-04:00

Negative thinking comes from years of seeing myself as a failure. I was told I wouldn't amount to anything and I lived it. Its like this, if someone mentions an apple what do you picture? I nice shiny bright crisp apple? I picture a mushy one with a worm poking it's head out. I learned about the force of "positive thinking" back in 1996 my first trip to the hospital. I still struggle with

Sidetracked By Storm

2004-05-01T12:47:00.000-04:00

The fear factor was high the last two days I ate snack foods at an alarming rate. I have a fear of thunderstorms and we've had two days of them. When I was young, the lightening mesmerized me and the thunder scared me. I would gasp or scream when the thunder would shake the windows. Counting the seconds from the lightening strikes to the thunder did not help it just made me more afraid when

Get a grip!

2004-04-27T13:11:00.000-04:00

This weekend I spent trying to disseminate the PTSD and the self bashing I did in my last entries. I am worth fighting for, I need to focus on what I can do for myself instead of trying to figure out the failures of a system. This is what I discovered this past weekend, I hadn't even read the disability paperwork I was given back in 2001. I often ignore things I can't deal with, thinking

PTSD strikes again...

2004-04-21T15:40:00.000-04:00

Today I had an appointment with yet another red tape slinger. My mood is despondant and very depressed. I was supposed to fall in the cattle feeding line for Federal Food Stamps. I know I won't get anymore here than I did in Michigan which was 20 dollars a month. Your herded like cattle into a large room with the other 50 applicants who were all given the same appointment time and forced to

Friday 16th of April

2004-04-16T09:54:00.000-04:00

April Showers bring May Flowers...gosh I hope so! Medicaid a federally funded program. I'm eligible but it really doesn't mean much, I'm just wasting the hard working friends and neighbors and family's money. The people who get out of bed every morning and go to work. They pay taxes on everything in their lives, from their homes to the groceries their families need, to the gas. I am a non

Retreat

2004-04-07T21:22:00.000-04:00

Hi My friends and family, I have retreated to Alabama. I went to Florida St. Petersburg and Panama City, it truly is beautiful there, it is my hope to return. I just couldn't seem to pull it together there, (like I've been able to pull it together anywhere)...I know, I know stop beating yourself up...I'm in a lot of pain..I've been out of pain killers for about 2 weeks just taking regular

Anger

2004-03-11T11:39:00.000-05:00

pg. 39 Pattern Changing for Abused Women: An Educational Program by Marilyn Shear Goodman Understanding Anger Definition "Anger is one of the most difficult feelings for abused women to confront in themselves and, understandably in others. Merriam websters dictionary defines anger as "a strong feeling of displeasure and (usually) of antagonism" Synonyms are rage, fury, indignation, and wrath.

Spirituality

2004-03-10T14:56:00.000-05:00

I was raised a Catholic, we went to church every Sunday as children. The problems I had in the Catholic Church started when my mother died... My question back then was " How could an all knowing all loving God take my mother from me?" I even went as far as to ask my catechism instructor where the dinosaurs fit in. I was trying to refute my confusion. I hated God and couldn't understand

A New Beginning

2004-03-09T13:12:00.000-05:00

The cold seems to be following me. The weather I mean, it was chilly in Kansas actually more like a blizzard, and it was chilly in Colorado, but you would expect that. Las Vegas was semi chilly during the day and down right cold at night. Now I am in Alabama and it's cold here too! I'm hoping for some sunshine to warm me as I am having a little more trouble in the movement part. I swelled up

Sweat Lodge_ Lakota

2004-03-02T20:15:00.000-05:00

I received the Lakota Sweat Lodge Cards http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/lakota/ as a gift and my use of those cards has been interesting and enlightening. I am leaving Las Vegas on my journey on the 6th of March. The Indian ways ask you to look at life as a circle. Using the four directions, and four seasons in the circle of life. The following are cards drawn randomly from a deck. I also

Shells Sea?

2004-02-25T18:19:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends, I am in Las Vegas, Nevada at the University. I got in this am around 6 after a long day of travel. I titled this post Shells Sea? Because coming into the valley this morning it kind of reminded me of a sea of lights. Is this where I am supposed to find me? I am having some doubts. It is assumed that you are here to gamble. Although the temptation is there I am not going to

Solo

2004-02-23T13:09:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends, I am leaving Colorado on my adventure tomorrow morning. I will be heading towards Las Vegas, Nevada. It is my hopes that I can go through the Indian healing ceremonies and come to grips with my post traumatic stress disorder and the physical pain from my disc fusion and arthritis. The PTSD causes some of my physical pain from years of emotional problems. So I need to come to

Focused on healing

2004-02-18T06:46:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends I am in Colorado Springs, Colorado at the base of Pike Peak, the highest peak in the USA. I will be visiting the Garden of the Gods and Seven Falls while I am here. I have 6 of 12 Indian healing stones and my friends here is going to assist me to make a pouch to carry them in while I participate in an Indian Vision Quest and Sweat lodge Ceremony. The train ride was long and painful

Poetry - copywritten

2004-02-08T23:08:00.000-05:00

Shell's Sea The surf is rumbling through my brain tides of dreams fill my soul life is on the verge of change I am stronger than I was yesterday my dreams are returning the tide is coming in again crashing into the surf dreams of a passing fancy tommorrow my dreams will be of something true I will be loved for being me the shell who hears the music in lifes tide the hushed whisper of

Being drawn towards self recovery

2004-02-08T23:02:00.000-05:00

Equine Assisted Therapy Eagala.org Equine Assisted therapy is the use of horses for therapy. I worked with a therapist with a connection to Eagala.org -Ulla Fredrickson she got to know me when I was looking for holistic medicine. She understands what I was looking for and introduced me to her horses. I let them pick me which was hilarious because after not being able to pick one to work

Power and Control

2004-02-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

http://www.angelfire.com/mn/WRAPCo/wheel.html Using Coersion and Threats Using Isolation Using Children Using Intimidation Using Emotional Abuse Minimizing, denying, blaming Using male privelege Using economic Abuse WISE P.O. Box 1249 Big Rapids, MI 49307 Taught me that the abuse wasn't my fault, and I could no longer bury it.

Treatment-s

2004-02-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

http://www.traumarecoveryinstitute.org/treatment/treatment.html I have to learn how not to be the victim

My experiences in the Mental Health care field

2004-02-08T22:23:00.000-05:00

My experiences in the mental health care system spans about 1/2 of my life. My step-mother took me to a psychologist when I was in high school. I don't or haven't remembered that experience but was told I was being a difficult child. 1st- adult experience college classroom-exercise meditation I experienced flashbacks of burying a stuffed dog, given to me by my classmates on my birthday the

The Middle Child

2004-02-08T10:39:00.000-05:00

http://boewebserver.butlercc.edu/outline/outlnmsc/Behavrioral%20Science%20BS/BS270.html The link provided was a course outline in child psychology due to my childhood experiences I would make a good case example. The following is a description of the oldest, youngest and middle childs and it's perils. I have identified the feelings of not measuring up and have to constantly remind myself that

My Story

2004-02-08T01:25:00.000-05:00

I am a survivorI am 47 years old single never married mother of two, I have a son and a daughter, they are almost grown up, it seems like yesterday...Well anyway my saga began when I was nine... My mother was the mother of seven children 4 boys and 3 girls...I am the middle child... My Mother died of cancer, I was severely traumatized... In my nine year old mind I was the cause of her death...My

Welcome

2004-02-07T22:56:00.000-05:00

src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> Welcome If you have PTSD then you are already living in hell. A very dear friend of mine said: "It's not about the Destination it's all about the Journey" " If