Hi Friends, I am in Las Vegas, Nevada at the University. I got in this am around 6 after a long day of travel. I titled this post Shells Sea? Because coming into the valley this morning it kind of reminded me of a sea of lights. Is this where I am supposed to find me? I am having some doubts. It is assumed that you are here to gamble. Although the temptation is there I am not going to the Casinos...LoL but there are slot machines everywhere but the restrooms. I just wanted to let you know I am here safe and sound. I met a lot of wonderful people on the train, each with their own stories to tell. When I am not so tired I will write about my train journey. Surrounded by Mountains and Gods Love - Michelle
(note to self)
Las Vegas has a lot of mirrors...I don't like mirrors, I never seem to measure up to the reflection.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Monday, February 23, 2004
Solo
Hi Friends,
I am leaving Colorado on my adventure tomorrow morning. I will be heading towards Las Vegas, Nevada. It is my hopes that I can go through the Indian healing ceremonies and come to grips with my post traumatic stress disorder and the physical pain from my disc fusion and arthritis. The PTSD causes some of my physical pain from years of emotional problems. So I need to come to grips with the fact that I am going to have pain from the physical deterioration. I am going to try to go drug free by next June. I know it doesn't seem possible but you know, all things are possible with God. I have to refocus and stop the negative thinking patterns brought on by PTSD and this next leg is completely solo. Solo so I only have to focus on me. Which I have never done before. It was always my kids first (son 23 and daughter 18) or the neighbor or the church or the domestic violence shelter etc. I could find lot's of things so I didn't have to deal with me. So here I go, please keep me in your prayers, but don't worry too much cause God is with me. I'll post when I can and have asked two of my friends to edit and post when I send them some stuff, or check in. Take care and remember
"It isn't about the Destination it's all about the Journey"
and "If your going through hell...Well my friends that isn't the place to stop"
I am leaving Colorado on my adventure tomorrow morning. I will be heading towards Las Vegas, Nevada. It is my hopes that I can go through the Indian healing ceremonies and come to grips with my post traumatic stress disorder and the physical pain from my disc fusion and arthritis. The PTSD causes some of my physical pain from years of emotional problems. So I need to come to grips with the fact that I am going to have pain from the physical deterioration. I am going to try to go drug free by next June. I know it doesn't seem possible but you know, all things are possible with God. I have to refocus and stop the negative thinking patterns brought on by PTSD and this next leg is completely solo. Solo so I only have to focus on me. Which I have never done before. It was always my kids first (son 23 and daughter 18) or the neighbor or the church or the domestic violence shelter etc. I could find lot's of things so I didn't have to deal with me. So here I go, please keep me in your prayers, but don't worry too much cause God is with me. I'll post when I can and have asked two of my friends to edit and post when I send them some stuff, or check in. Take care and remember
"It isn't about the Destination it's all about the Journey"
and "If your going through hell...Well my friends that isn't the place to stop"
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Focused on healing
Hi Friends I am in Colorado Springs, Colorado at the base of Pike Peak, the highest peak in the USA. I will be visiting the Garden of the Gods and Seven Falls while I am here. I have 6 of 12 Indian healing stones and my friends here is going to assist me to make a pouch to carry them in while I participate in an Indian Vision Quest and Sweat lodge Ceremony. The train ride was long and painful and sometimes presented some challenges but, I am reassured that I can manage this trip much the same way as I handle everything else one step at a time. The train ride allowed me to visit my past with a slightly different perspective. It didn't seem so raw and painful. Watching the world go by realizing just what a small part of it I am, and thinking about what I need to accomplish. I brought my writing pad and I am writing along the way. I will write more later I just wanted to let everyone know I am ok.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Poetry - copywritten
Shell's Sea
The surf is rumbling
through my brain
tides of dreams fill my soul
life is on the verge of change
I am stronger than I was yesterday
my dreams are returning
the tide is coming in again
crashing into the surf
dreams of a passing fancy
tommorrow my dreams
will be of something true
I will be loved for being me
the shell
who hears the music in lifes tide
the hushed whisper of the breeze
the roar of natures awesome power
and the music of souls as they enter my sea...
Blue skys ahead
dark storms past
the dreams return.
I'm a Gypsy
I'm a gypsy taking wing
a feather in my hair
dancing by the fire light
then by the moon
hushed whispers of the breeze
says come follow me
a sea of green waving back at me
I'm on a mission
just taking the long road
touching souls
and living free
I'm a gypsy
Flying Fretless
Ever she flies past lifes open flames
like the wind swift and true
she soars over mountains
just hoping to catch the view
the light of steel blue
casts glitter to her wing
the music guides her
straight and true
onward and upward
to the heavens she soars
she's got the mood
she's in the groove
can't touch down
or stay around
if you see her say good bye
she's flyin past lifes open flames
on her way to catch the view...
Michelle Hazard 5/11/03
The surf is rumbling
through my brain
tides of dreams fill my soul
life is on the verge of change
I am stronger than I was yesterday
my dreams are returning
the tide is coming in again
crashing into the surf
dreams of a passing fancy
tommorrow my dreams
will be of something true
I will be loved for being me
the shell
who hears the music in lifes tide
the hushed whisper of the breeze
the roar of natures awesome power
and the music of souls as they enter my sea...
Blue skys ahead
dark storms past
the dreams return.
I'm a Gypsy
I'm a gypsy taking wing
a feather in my hair
dancing by the fire light
then by the moon
hushed whispers of the breeze
says come follow me
a sea of green waving back at me
I'm on a mission
just taking the long road
touching souls
and living free
I'm a gypsy
Flying Fretless
Ever she flies past lifes open flames
like the wind swift and true
she soars over mountains
just hoping to catch the view
the light of steel blue
casts glitter to her wing
the music guides her
straight and true
onward and upward
to the heavens she soars
she's got the mood
she's in the groove
can't touch down
or stay around
if you see her say good bye
she's flyin past lifes open flames
on her way to catch the view...
Michelle Hazard 5/11/03
Being drawn towards self recovery
Equine Assisted Therapy
Eagala.org
Equine Assisted therapy is the use of horses for therapy. I worked with a therapist with a connection to Eagala.org -Ulla Fredrickson she got to know me when I was looking for holistic medicine. She understands what I was looking for and introduced me to her horses. I let them pick me which was hilarious because after not being able to pick one to work with Sundance nudged his stable mate as if to say here this one is yours. I relaxed a bit after that and we worked on communication. I have a tendency to let people walk over me rather than confront. It causes a lot of anxiety to carry around discomfort, without an appropriate release. The horses seemed to understand how I was feeling, and I felt that I benefited from this experience.
http://www.eagala.org/subordinate.aspx?Content=whatiseap&Menu=information
Holistic medicine
Holistic medicine refers to a way of treating a person as a whole, in my case traditional medicine
is failing me. The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has caused damage internally and without correcting the way my mind works the damage will continue. Holistic medicine is not recognized by the Medicaid system as true medicine and is often if not always denied. My attempts thus far of securing a physician willing to treat both the mental and physical trauma caused by PTSD have been thwarted. I will continue to search for help knowing that the mind and body at least in my case is connected.
Definition and resource for holistic medicine
href="http://www.ehendrick.com/healthy/002082.htm">
href="http://www.equineassistedtherapy.org.uk">
href="http://www.eagala.org">
Eagala.org
Equine Assisted therapy is the use of horses for therapy. I worked with a therapist with a connection to Eagala.org -Ulla Fredrickson she got to know me when I was looking for holistic medicine. She understands what I was looking for and introduced me to her horses. I let them pick me which was hilarious because after not being able to pick one to work with Sundance nudged his stable mate as if to say here this one is yours. I relaxed a bit after that and we worked on communication. I have a tendency to let people walk over me rather than confront. It causes a lot of anxiety to carry around discomfort, without an appropriate release. The horses seemed to understand how I was feeling, and I felt that I benefited from this experience.
http://www.eagala.org/subordinate.aspx?Content=whatiseap&Menu=information
Holistic medicine
Holistic medicine refers to a way of treating a person as a whole, in my case traditional medicine
is failing me. The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has caused damage internally and without correcting the way my mind works the damage will continue. Holistic medicine is not recognized by the Medicaid system as true medicine and is often if not always denied. My attempts thus far of securing a physician willing to treat both the mental and physical trauma caused by PTSD have been thwarted. I will continue to search for help knowing that the mind and body at least in my case is connected.
Definition and resource for holistic medicine
href="http://www.ehendrick.com/healthy/002082.htm">
href="http://www.equineassistedtherapy.org.uk">
href="http://www.eagala.org">
Power and Control
http://www.angelfire.com/mn/WRAPCo/wheel.html
Using Coersion and Threats
Using Isolation
Using Children
Using Intimidation
Using Emotional Abuse
Minimizing, denying, blaming
Using male privelege
Using economic Abuse
WISE
P.O. Box 1249
Big Rapids, MI 49307
Taught me that the abuse wasn't my fault, and I could no longer bury it.
Using Coersion and Threats
Using Isolation
Using Children
Using Intimidation
Using Emotional Abuse
Minimizing, denying, blaming
Using male privelege
Using economic Abuse
WISE
P.O. Box 1249
Big Rapids, MI 49307
Taught me that the abuse wasn't my fault, and I could no longer bury it.
Treatment-s
http://www.traumarecoveryinstitute.org/treatment/treatment.html
I have to learn how not to be the victim
I have to learn how not to be the victim
My experiences in the Mental Health care field
My experiences in the mental health care system spans about 1/2 of my life. My step-mother took me to a psychologist when I was in high school. I don't or haven't remembered that experience but was told I was being a difficult child.
1st- adult experience
college classroom-exercise meditation I experienced flashbacks of burying a stuffed dog, given to me by my classmates on my birthday the year my mother died. The memory of the funeral home and not being able to say good-bye. The limousine pulling away with my Dad and siblings in it. I left the classroom sobbing, I wasn't sure if it was real. My instructor comforted me and suggested therapy. I waited two months and then found myself locked in my room crying for two days straight. I couldn't stop I didn't know why and my son took care of his sister. My son finally called his Aunt (my youngest sibling) who took me to a physician. He prescribed a sedative and then Anti-depressants. He hooked me up with my first therapist. She told me that I must have been sexually molested. I thought about it, and it just didn't make sense. So when I tried to get her to discuss my Mom she kept trying to make me tell her of the sexual abuse. I quit taking the anti-depressants and stopped seeing her.
2nd 1996
I was hospitalized as I was suicidal. I remember saying "I don't want to kill myself I just want to die"
I learned I was passive aggressive
http://health.yahoo.com/centers/personality/000943.html
I learned that I was abused, up until that point I didn't like the fact that my father had chosen corporal punishment, but didn't realize it was abuse.
I realized I had made some good choices in my past, and that I needed to forgive myself for the not so good choices.
I learned that I have a tendency to have irrational thinking when presented with extreme stress.
Part of that experience was to be with my family. My Dad wouldn't come and my stepmother told my therapist about all my failures.
ie. A Home sharing program I developed and got a grant for through the Creative Options Program. While attending college, I was doing volunteer work at a local homeless shelter. I had to give back the money because I didn't have time to devote to the programs development. I left my research, over a years worth so that if someone else had the time it could be continued.
Single parent
She considers my not marrying a failure.
College Degree I was 12 credits shy of a degree in Ornamental Horticulture when I broke my ankle. The first week of classes. I had three outdoor labs, plant identification, surveying/landscape design, and turf grass management. My cast got wet three times cutting off blood circulation and had to be replaced. After a month it became painfully obvious I was too far behind and falling further. I asked for a medical withdrawal planning on returning the next fall to complete it. The clerk didn't document that it was medical, nor was I given the option of taking an incomplete.
Within that conversation my therapist knew what I was fighting. I felt like a failure nothing seemed to work out in my life. The things she sited as failures were in fact my attempt at personal growth and were not failures. He suggested I disassociate from my family to give myself time to work it out.
My experience in mental health care
Delano Clinic
Borgess Hospital
Kalamazoo
"I didn't want to kill myself I just wanted to die"
Group Therapy
Identified
Passive aggressive
Guilt
Skewed thinking
Diagnosis
Chronic Depression
Hadley Center Mental ward
Ludington
After having intense lower back pain for 6 months, not being able to work losing my/daughters home and being told I was overweight.
Herniated disc C6 and C7
Imploded Ovarian Cyst
Was told by physician the pain was in my head, and associated with my being obese. Undiagnosed Ovarian cyst imploded during MRI hemorrhaged for 1 month caused infection.
While hospitalized, I was dismissed from his practice Sept. 11th (NY terror) for not following through with his orders of physical therapy which could have paralyzed me.
Diagnosis
Chronic Depression
Scheduled appointment with neurosurgeon for surgery - disc fusion November, 2001
D&C while hospitalized and antibiotics for infection
Therapists
Too many to count
Each had the basic tenet of chronic depression. Each wanted to medicate me with anti-depressants. I would stay on the anti-depressant long enough to feel better, but because I did not change the learned behaviors I would find myself back in chaos. Wanting to get off the roller coaster, not knowing how.
After the stay at Hadley checking myself in as a mental patient when in all reality I needed Health care. I felt betrayed by the medical profession; I was angry and knew there had to be a way to recover. I again sought therapy and explained the whole story I was then re-diagnosed to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
It all made sense the miscues, the behaviors, my responses, the flash backs, the feelings of being on a roller coaster ride.
Since my surgeries, (I had 5) in 2001; my youngest child reached the age of 18 graduated from high school and is currently enrolled in college. Her father told me he would not help her in college if she chose to stay living with me. He is a Power and Control abuser. She is a very talented artist going to college for graphic design. After everything we went through in 18 short years, she has benefited from the knowledge about abuse, being in a domestic Violence Shelter and her witness of physical violence in her fathers home. (He assaulted his wife) She has been involved in Young Life a Christian based outreach program since middle school and is now a leader for Wyld Life talking with kids of middle school age. I felt ok about leaving her in the hopes her Dad would indeed help her with college and went to Kalamazoo in search of holistic* medicine.
My body is failing because of the weight of my emotional burdens. Due to my being disabled I receive State Assistance in the form of Medicaid. With budgeting problems I wasn't able to secure a holistic physician. I was also denied aqua aerobics as it isn't a covered benefit. Since my disc fusion and knee surgeries I can not exercise as I should, I have reached 300 lbs on my 5 foot 8' frame. I need to be in a location for healing of my body, mind and spirit. I found myself homeless in Kalamazoo and have to start over so I am going on this journey.
*Treating the mind and body together as a whole.
My journey has begun. I am currently in Colorado Spring's Colorado. I have collected stones all my life some pretty some because of there uniqueness. Since deciding to take this journey to self I began to research Indian healing, part of which is the use of healing stones. I made a pouch while here to carry them in. I visited the Garden of The Gods a natural rock garden that could have only been made by God. This area at the foothills of Pikes Peak, (which is beautiful in and of itself) is massive rock formations titled by men. I was awed by their beauty and asked the God who formed the Garden to guide me in my healing. I listened to the Pines and heard a bird in song.
In one section of the Garden you come over a hill and at the top of this small hill a valley falls out in front of you, I could picture what the first settlers saw and imagine a covered wagon or a lone Indian sitting drawing on the powers that formed the Gardens. I'm feeling nervous at my next stage of this journey as the next part is solo. I stopped and visited people I knew and now I am going on alone. To face my demons and the fears. Coincidences continue to occur and I can see that this Journey "is" what I am supposed to be doing.
The Sundance Center
for personal growth
Equine Assisted Therapy
sundancecenter.net
1st- adult experience
college classroom-exercise meditation I experienced flashbacks of burying a stuffed dog, given to me by my classmates on my birthday the year my mother died. The memory of the funeral home and not being able to say good-bye. The limousine pulling away with my Dad and siblings in it. I left the classroom sobbing, I wasn't sure if it was real. My instructor comforted me and suggested therapy. I waited two months and then found myself locked in my room crying for two days straight. I couldn't stop I didn't know why and my son took care of his sister. My son finally called his Aunt (my youngest sibling) who took me to a physician. He prescribed a sedative and then Anti-depressants. He hooked me up with my first therapist. She told me that I must have been sexually molested. I thought about it, and it just didn't make sense. So when I tried to get her to discuss my Mom she kept trying to make me tell her of the sexual abuse. I quit taking the anti-depressants and stopped seeing her.
2nd 1996
I was hospitalized as I was suicidal. I remember saying "I don't want to kill myself I just want to die"
I learned I was passive aggressive
http://health.yahoo.com/centers/personality/000943.html
I learned that I was abused, up until that point I didn't like the fact that my father had chosen corporal punishment, but didn't realize it was abuse.
I realized I had made some good choices in my past, and that I needed to forgive myself for the not so good choices.
I learned that I have a tendency to have irrational thinking when presented with extreme stress.
Part of that experience was to be with my family. My Dad wouldn't come and my stepmother told my therapist about all my failures.
ie. A Home sharing program I developed and got a grant for through the Creative Options Program. While attending college, I was doing volunteer work at a local homeless shelter. I had to give back the money because I didn't have time to devote to the programs development. I left my research, over a years worth so that if someone else had the time it could be continued.
Single parent
She considers my not marrying a failure.
College Degree I was 12 credits shy of a degree in Ornamental Horticulture when I broke my ankle. The first week of classes. I had three outdoor labs, plant identification, surveying/landscape design, and turf grass management. My cast got wet three times cutting off blood circulation and had to be replaced. After a month it became painfully obvious I was too far behind and falling further. I asked for a medical withdrawal planning on returning the next fall to complete it. The clerk didn't document that it was medical, nor was I given the option of taking an incomplete.
Within that conversation my therapist knew what I was fighting. I felt like a failure nothing seemed to work out in my life. The things she sited as failures were in fact my attempt at personal growth and were not failures. He suggested I disassociate from my family to give myself time to work it out.
My experience in mental health care
Delano Clinic
Borgess Hospital
Kalamazoo
"I didn't want to kill myself I just wanted to die"
Group Therapy
Identified
Passive aggressive
Guilt
Skewed thinking
Diagnosis
Chronic Depression
Hadley Center Mental ward
Ludington
After having intense lower back pain for 6 months, not being able to work losing my/daughters home and being told I was overweight.
Herniated disc C6 and C7
Imploded Ovarian Cyst
Was told by physician the pain was in my head, and associated with my being obese. Undiagnosed Ovarian cyst imploded during MRI hemorrhaged for 1 month caused infection.
While hospitalized, I was dismissed from his practice Sept. 11th (NY terror) for not following through with his orders of physical therapy which could have paralyzed me.
Diagnosis
Chronic Depression
Scheduled appointment with neurosurgeon for surgery - disc fusion November, 2001
D&C while hospitalized and antibiotics for infection
Therapists
Too many to count
Each had the basic tenet of chronic depression. Each wanted to medicate me with anti-depressants. I would stay on the anti-depressant long enough to feel better, but because I did not change the learned behaviors I would find myself back in chaos. Wanting to get off the roller coaster, not knowing how.
After the stay at Hadley checking myself in as a mental patient when in all reality I needed Health care. I felt betrayed by the medical profession; I was angry and knew there had to be a way to recover. I again sought therapy and explained the whole story I was then re-diagnosed to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
It all made sense the miscues, the behaviors, my responses, the flash backs, the feelings of being on a roller coaster ride.
Since my surgeries, (I had 5) in 2001; my youngest child reached the age of 18 graduated from high school and is currently enrolled in college. Her father told me he would not help her in college if she chose to stay living with me. He is a Power and Control abuser. She is a very talented artist going to college for graphic design. After everything we went through in 18 short years, she has benefited from the knowledge about abuse, being in a domestic Violence Shelter and her witness of physical violence in her fathers home. (He assaulted his wife) She has been involved in Young Life a Christian based outreach program since middle school and is now a leader for Wyld Life talking with kids of middle school age. I felt ok about leaving her in the hopes her Dad would indeed help her with college and went to Kalamazoo in search of holistic* medicine.
My body is failing because of the weight of my emotional burdens. Due to my being disabled I receive State Assistance in the form of Medicaid. With budgeting problems I wasn't able to secure a holistic physician. I was also denied aqua aerobics as it isn't a covered benefit. Since my disc fusion and knee surgeries I can not exercise as I should, I have reached 300 lbs on my 5 foot 8' frame. I need to be in a location for healing of my body, mind and spirit. I found myself homeless in Kalamazoo and have to start over so I am going on this journey.
*Treating the mind and body together as a whole.
My journey has begun. I am currently in Colorado Spring's Colorado. I have collected stones all my life some pretty some because of there uniqueness. Since deciding to take this journey to self I began to research Indian healing, part of which is the use of healing stones. I made a pouch while here to carry them in. I visited the Garden of The Gods a natural rock garden that could have only been made by God. This area at the foothills of Pikes Peak, (which is beautiful in and of itself) is massive rock formations titled by men. I was awed by their beauty and asked the God who formed the Garden to guide me in my healing. I listened to the Pines and heard a bird in song.
In one section of the Garden you come over a hill and at the top of this small hill a valley falls out in front of you, I could picture what the first settlers saw and imagine a covered wagon or a lone Indian sitting drawing on the powers that formed the Gardens. I'm feeling nervous at my next stage of this journey as the next part is solo. I stopped and visited people I knew and now I am going on alone. To face my demons and the fears. Coincidences continue to occur and I can see that this Journey "is" what I am supposed to be doing.
The Sundance Center
for personal growth
Equine Assisted Therapy
sundancecenter.net
The Middle Child
http://boewebserver.butlercc.edu/outline/outlnmsc/Behavrioral%20Science%20BS/BS270.html
The link provided was a course outline in child psychology due to my childhood experiences I would make a good case example. The following is a description of the oldest, youngest and middle childs and it's perils. I have identified the feelings of not measuring up and have to constantly remind myself that I am measuring up. The child in me can't be fixed. As an adult I can recognize that when we are children our birth order influences parental response, which inately triggers the middle childs response. The Middle child syndrome was and is a part of my struggle to regain myself.
http://www.indiaparenting.com/articles/data/art09_029.shtml
"Is there such a thing called – “The Middle Child Syndrome”?
Middle children often feel that they are neither here nor there. In their view, the roles of the older and younger siblings are more clearly defined. They may also feel cheated of parental attention that is given to the first-born achiever and the dependent youngest child. Some psychologists have given this condition a name – they call it “the middle-child syndrome”.
Parents need to go out of their way to ensure that the middle child does not feel neglected. They should convey to the child that his thoughts and opinions are as important as those of his other siblings. They should also point out the advantages of being a middle child, telling him that he can understand his siblings best as he is both an older child and a younger one.
Whenever parents are told about this, they are truly surprised that there is such a thing like the middle-child syndrome. Parents may think they have done the best for all their kids, but isn’t it time they asked their middle child his/her views? "
My experiences as a middle child was even more defined by the abuse I bared to spare my younger siblings. The terror in their eyes as we lined up for the ritual beatings was almost more than I could bare.
The link provided was a course outline in child psychology due to my childhood experiences I would make a good case example. The following is a description of the oldest, youngest and middle childs and it's perils. I have identified the feelings of not measuring up and have to constantly remind myself that I am measuring up. The child in me can't be fixed. As an adult I can recognize that when we are children our birth order influences parental response, which inately triggers the middle childs response. The Middle child syndrome was and is a part of my struggle to regain myself.
http://www.indiaparenting.com/articles/data/art09_029.shtml
"Is there such a thing called – “The Middle Child Syndrome”?
Middle children often feel that they are neither here nor there. In their view, the roles of the older and younger siblings are more clearly defined. They may also feel cheated of parental attention that is given to the first-born achiever and the dependent youngest child. Some psychologists have given this condition a name – they call it “the middle-child syndrome”.
Parents need to go out of their way to ensure that the middle child does not feel neglected. They should convey to the child that his thoughts and opinions are as important as those of his other siblings. They should also point out the advantages of being a middle child, telling him that he can understand his siblings best as he is both an older child and a younger one.
Whenever parents are told about this, they are truly surprised that there is such a thing like the middle-child syndrome. Parents may think they have done the best for all their kids, but isn’t it time they asked their middle child his/her views? "
My experiences as a middle child was even more defined by the abuse I bared to spare my younger siblings. The terror in their eyes as we lined up for the ritual beatings was almost more than I could bare.
My Story
I am a survivor
I am 47 years old single never married mother of two, I have a son and a daughter, they are almost grown up, it seems like yesterday...
Well anyway my saga began when I was nine... My mother was the mother of seven children 4 boys and 3 girls...I am the middle child... My Mother died of cancer, I was severely traumatized... In my nine year old mind I was the cause of her death...My older brothers and I had fought in the hospital and the last words my Mother said were ones of admonishment, something to the effect of behave yourself I don't remember exactly...So when she died the next day I thought that I had somehow caused it... At the funeral I wanted to apologize and kiss her good-bye so I waited for all the people to go outside, climbed up on the kneeler and bent to kiss her I was jerked away before I could, by two men and placed in a car with 4 nuns... My last memory of that day was turning around and seeing my father get into the limousine as I kicked and screamed and the limo pulling away...The next two years are a blur...I do not remember my mother or being younger than nine... My Father remarried when I was twelve to a woman who had no children and I don't believe she knew what she was in for living with 7 children not her own... I am not sure when the abuse began, but my childhood is filled with verbal and physical punishment... My father would come home from work and line us all up Oldest to Youngest and start with my sister...He would ask "what did you do today?" the reply did not matter we were beaten with a wooden paddle...I being the middle child would try and protect the younger siblings and I came up with extra infractions so I would wear my Dad out before he got to them...After a severe beating I had welts that were oozing blood and was not able to sit...At school I went to the locker room and tried to take a shower in hopes that the pain would lesson...I was caught in the shower by an instructor and taken to the nurse back in the 70's corporal punishment was an acceptable practice... But the nurse became my friend and I was excused from my classes in my senior year and allowed to sit in the nurses office and that way if I was beaten again I was doctored by the nurse and allowed to sleep... My teachers all sent me homework via the nurse and I returned my homework the same way... When I graduated I had made enough money from working on farms and from my job as a shoe shine to relocate so I left everyone I knew and went to California..Alone.. It was great!
My Grandmother called me one day and said I needed to come home and help her as my Grandfather was gravely ill... So I did... All the abuse I had endured had already taken it's toll... I already thought I would never amount to anything... I never could get the approval of my father... Nor my stepmother...
The patterns I learned as a child were not healthy ones. In my decision making process mis-cued responses were usually the case. I have always felt less than capable, but in all reality I am a very capable person, so when a decision was to be made, the irrational response brought on by my low self esteem didn't allow me a logical choice. I often misinterpret compliments, looking for the real reason someone said something nice... I couldn't possibly deserve it.! I have to catch myself when these things I say to myself and reverse it---and look at what was said for what it was a compliment... These people who say these compliments see me everyday and my father who gave me the low self esteem isn't... I am worth the compliment that was given, I have talent and I have worth...And someday the question in my mind if I am worth the compliment won't come and I will be able to smile and say Thank You! Without hesitation
I met men who were abusive, seeming to attract them- the first one professed his love after I made manager of the same company in three short months. I was 20 and lonely, he gave me a ring after having never even being on a date... He talked me into leaving my managers position and moving 178 miles away from friends and family, isolation, one room cabin in the middle of nowhere while he went away for a week or two at a time. I then became pregnant he seemed excited but said we really couldn't afford a child and after a little discussion he talked me into an abortion. Just the thought of the abortion brings back pain as two weeks later (he made me go alone) we were on our way back home and he announced he would be buying a drag racer to race on the Martin Circuit, I tried to jump out of a moving truck doing 65 on a highway... When he stopped the vehicle I was very distraught, I had killed my child for financial reasons that must not have existed, I left him as soon as we got back home flushed my diamond down the toilet and never looked back but the pain resides. He married six months later and has 6 kids and no drag racer.
The second attempt at a relationship with ex-fiance's best friend sort of like a revenge thing I guess but I wound up pregnant again. I knew God wanted me to have this child so I gave the man an option- 1. He was alcoholic so I said if he wanted to choose to stop drinking he could help me raise my child
2. He could choose to continue to drink and leave me alone.
I never heard from him again until the Friend of the Court found him in Alabama on his death bed, he had brain cancer and wanted to meet his son...The trauma we went through in that event occurred while I was attending college, shortly having the memories of my mothers death coming back while doing a meditation exercise for school... He met his father and it really had a terrible effect on him...(I'm sorry son) His only advice given to a twelve year old was "Son, Women are like busses a new one comes a long every fifteen minutes."
Round three has been by far the most debilitating to me, I was raising my son by myself sometimes working three jobs to make ends meet so at times I had no sleep... I started taking speed to stay awake, which led to crystal methodrine a stronger form of speed, I would stay awake for days at a time and somehow functioned for about 6 months when I was robbed and couldn't make the rent, I was evicted so I had a two year old and myself living out of an old galaxy the back seat carried all the necessities. I was stopped in a routine traffic stop for a broken head light, my license had been suspended due to a ticket long since forgotten, not having an address to caught up to me I had no knowledge of it, the officer let me go as he could see I was living with a baby out of my car. The mandatory sentence for driving on a suspended license-30 - 90 days in jail, plus fines etc. Considering my circumstances I asked my family to watch my son and went to the Judge who would hear my case explained the situation (other than the speed) and he assured me I wouldn't have to spend time in jail and to take care of my son...So anyway I knew I was in trouble so I signed a 6 month power of Attorney with my sister and planned to move to Cadillac to dry out. I met my daughters father at a Halloween Party just before I left, he seemed genuinely interested in me. I moved anyway and corresponded with him on a regular basis, I got word that my sister had filed a petition for adoption while I was in Cadillac so I asked him if I could stay with him while I fought for custody of my son, he agreed. I came back wrote a letter to the courts and revoked the Power of Attorney. My sister has never forgiven me she felt she would be able to give him a better life....
Well I did not move back to Cadillac but instead stayed with my abuser, at first it was great we could talk and he had fun with my son, then his friends started coming over to meet me, things changed rapidly I was not allowed to use the phone I was not allowed to shop unless he was with me I was not allowed to have friends over etc. When I had a friend stop by unannounced we moved to the sticks. I was with my son twenty four seven not allowed to work which I thought at the time was cool so my son and I had great times until he came home, nothing was right the brat made a mess etc... It escalated real fast he started accusing me of cheating on him and smacking my son when he misbehaved or just didn't make a response that he liked... Demanding respect from a three year old who got nothing but dissrespect... He began spanking him, from my childhood that was something I did not want when I tried to discuss my three year old son he would automatically take out his aggression on him... Shortly after Thanksgiving I called the Landlord and asked him to come pick up the rent, when he arrived I had a suitcase with my sons belongings and a few of mine and hitched a ride to town. I went to the health department because I felt ill...I was pregnant
As you can see I created more and more chaos in my life. I have been dealing with forgiving my father as he didn't know that I was traumatized at the funeral and raising 7 children while trying to pay for his wife's medical bills he didn't make good choices. He loved me and he isn't a violent person he was a frustrated one.
I have struggled with my feelings about the physical abuse as a child as my siblings and I each have a different view of those years.
How can you separate from a family whom you are part of...They live and breath, they went through the same thing, why don't they see it as abuse? Are they abusive of there families? Questions I can't answer, and it is hard to know that the cycle might continue, do I have the strength after all that I have been through to regain a normal life? Do I reach out to my family and confront them? No I can't do confrontations...When I am involved in an argument or disagreement my mind goes blank I am the little girl standing in the beating line.....I have learned to argue with my children and they always win the first round because I get lost, I always made a second chance and we will repeat the discussion and we do it as many times as it takes ..If I tried that with my siblings It would not make a difference. It is a one shot deal...My children have adjusted to the way I have to do things due to my disorder but I don't have 17 years to explain this to anyone else I feel lost...
Too tired to be angry, After all the struggle I have consumed, my body is tired of being in shock! The abuse I have endured and continue to endure via my daughters father (still ranting and raving about child support and what a lazy fat etc..Mother I am) almost 18 years of living on the edge waiting for him to come and finish me off....I'm tired
I am in chronic pain... And sometimes think I know everything...I don't... My emotional pain is the root of my physical pain and it is a vicious cycle...I can't seem to let it go and my body is responding to that emotional pain, by falling apart.
So when I spout off and it sounds like I am a know it all...Remember I don't
January 06 2005
Well It's almost a year later, I'm back in Michigan still disabled and still having flashbacks. There are more traumas in my past that I didn't include in the original post and I'm not sure that it's such a good idea to air them here. Although I may at some time need to vent them because they still bother me. (flashbacks)
My daughters father disowned her then bribed her back with a phone still in the Power and Control realm. My daughter has begun to recognize this behavior for what it is. She loves her Dad but thinks she has a handle on it. He was on her college paperwork as a contact she removed his name so he can't check up on her. He was opening her mail now she has changed the address so he doesn't receive any. For the Holidays he demanded she stay with him and told her she couldn't come and go as she pleased but she did anyway, I am proud of her accomplishments in school and the way she is developing as an adult.
My son made me a grandma this year and is taking on the responsibility of three children who are not his own. Making a 6 member family. I worry the most about him because of the things we went through together. He never had a decent male figure in his life, we moved a lot, he attended (geesh I lost count) at least 8 schools and left me at 15 to go to another town alone to finish a GED. He actually graduated a full year ahead of schedule. Got married at 18 to a woman who had a 3 year old, he wanted to be this little boys Daddy and give him a chance that he himself didn't have. His wife kicked him out after only a month but won't give him a divorce. He went into the Army, when he left he had a fracture in his ankle but they allowed him to pass the physical, I have no idea how they missed it. While in basic training he fell from a tree refracturing his ankle and they told him he had a pre-existing degenerative spinal disorder and medically honorable discharged him. Now he has met his current girlfriend who had 3 children already and she has some issues, but what troubles me is that he struggles to be employed with a back injury, but doesn't want to be disabled. The responsibility for taking on 4 children and a woman you can't marry is like a bomb waiting to explode. I can almost hear it tick. I keep praying that he will stay in this relationship because if it fails he would surely be crushed. He was suicidal when his wife kicked him out, so now that he has a child of his own in the mix? I'm worried.
1/19/2005 transferred from recovery group
My challenge today is to see a world of possibilities. I don't see any.
I'm still living the PTSD
I don't know how to get out of this.
I'm not willing to latch on to a guy as a way out.
But sometimes feel that's the only alternative.
I'm 46 going through menopause. LOL if that isn't enough I'm homeless. well that's not exactly true, I'm living in a house and pay 250 dollars to stay here. But the situation surrounding me makes it not a permanent situation if you know what I mean.
I wrote my bio for my Journey to self which is posted on the web at shellssea.blogspot.com.
I went traveling in Febrary of last year in search of myself. I found myself homeless after moving into a situation very nearly the same as the one I am in now. So I still function the same, I am still on the Merry Go round and darn it I want to get off it. I just don't know how to get there.
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Shoot forgot to tell you I have a neck fusion at C6 and C7 I have a hard time with turning my head very far, it's difficult and hurts plenty. I get stress knots between my shoulder blades I also have lower back pain that has never been correctly diagnosed. I have/had bone spurs in my knees and arthritus. with a promise I need replacements someday. But I am overweight. I have an eating disorder that isn't a labeled one as far as I know. I eat my stress, I'm not bolemic though I just sock on the pounds. Part of it is a safety mechanizm I added on weight as the response to my abuser....Let it Go
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I'm not sure I have ever really dealt with my mother dying. I know I wasn't ready for her passing.
I also need to grieve for my Dad. Even though he is still alive what I went through as a child...I feel like I need to grieve for the relationship I never had.
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Recent or rather the rest of the story:
1996
attending college full load final semester.
14 yr old son
who had met for the first time and lost his Dad to cancer the year before.
10 yr old daughter
restraining order on Daughters father he threatened to cut me up in little pieces and show his daughter...trauma
fell off a fence a broke ankle
Had to drop out of college after 3 casts got wet and I was too far behind to finish. I was studying Ornamental Horticulture or Landscaping. My cast got wet in my outdoor labs. Turf grass management, Surveying for a design class and plant Identification.
I was misadvised I should have requested an incomplete which would have put my financial aide on hold. Instead I was withdrawn from classes and owed for the semester. I was on acedemic probation due to my grades, which was a result of being a single parent dealing with the trauma happening in my life.
I didn't see it that way "I failed"
I was the failure my parents always said I would be.
I started drinking to drown...a fifth a day. My son raised his sister....because I didnt drink at home. I am ashamed of this part of my life.
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and had the year wrong...I had so much happen...1996 I checked myself into a hospital...I wasn't suicidal I just wanted to die. I didn't know I had PTSD. The original diagnosis was depression severe and chronic. I had figured out the binge drinking wasn't good for me...tried to work but messed that up...lived in a crappy falling apart trailer, boxes stacked from floor to cieling and a storage unit packed to the gills. We had 4 cat's that my daughter rescued or adopted. My life was filled with debilitating depression. Checking myself in was the right choice. But now I had a label. Or felt like I had one.
During that hospital stay the psychiatrist tried to get my Dad and step mothers perspective. He invited both of them to come to a meeting. My Dad didn't come, my stepmother when asked how she viewed me, she brought up all my failures.
Operation Home Base- was a program I designed for Home Sharing. I recieved a grant from the United Way to start it after I researched it and found a place to house it. I gave the money back to the United Way when I decided that going to college which I was doing took precedence. It was the right decision for me and not a failure.
I had children out of wed lock...that was the other failure she sited...I failed to provide a stable home for my kids.
and then the jobs...I've had 72 jobs in a 23 year work history. Which wasn't a failure not very responsible maybe, but the jobs all 72 of them I put in 120% and I learned a lot of trades in the process.
The psychologist let her (step-mother) say all these thing's then he said good bye to her I was sobbing and distraught. She walked out and he said "Boy, she is a real piece of work!"
"It's a no wonder you think that you are a failure"
Then he helped me work out that these things were not failures. I did the best I could with what I had. But he missed the diagnosis of PTSD. The diagnosis at that point was chronic depression.
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During that phase of my life I really messed up my credit. It was already bad but I didn't pay even the normal bills. I spent what money I did have on the kids. I bought them all the things I wanted them to have so when I was gone..(I was suicidal) they had stuff to remember me by. I took them out to eat because I didnt have the strength to cook for them...Depression is a powerful disorder....
Anyway I moved back to the small town near the University. My kids both liked it here, and I promised my daughter she could finish high school. I worked as a waitress just enough to get by but I was taking my meds and feeling better. My defaulted student loans caught up to me then...they told me they would be gauranteeing my wages for it...I was barly surviving as it was...I quit my job and started working for cash so I could keep my income....aarrggghhhh
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I started driving a cab...I already had a cheauffers license from driving a city bus, and I was a school bus driver when I was in my 20's. When I first started driving there were two other drivers, shortley after I started they both quit. which left me and the owner to drive 24/7. We did it for three months and finally got new drivers. He then made me the manager. I contacted the fraternities on campus and got them started on a safe buddy account. So they could call us I also contacted Michigan Works and set up an account with them transporting workers to their job. I made enough money to stay afloat but the stress was high. During the summer we didn't have enough business to support all the drivers so I worked in a green house, we started in February with seedlings transplanting, and greening up the plants from the year prior. I worked very hard there all physically demanding work. I worked with a therapist for a year, then decided I was ok and stopped taking meds.
The following spring of 2001 was where my life came to a screeching halt. I was in transition from the cab company to the greenhouse...it was a cold February morning when I went to the farm to prune the apple trees. You prune them when it's cold so they don't bleed to death.
Anyway the more work I did the worse I felt I was achy and my lower back began to hurt...I couldn't finish it I told her I would be back the next day to clean up. The next day I couldn't move, I layed on the hardwood floor for three days. Walking was excrutiating. When I had to walk a block to the store for groceries I ended up sitting down on the sidewalk and crying I just couldn't take another step. A passerby stopped and called an ambulance. At the hospital they told me I had a pinched nerve gave me flexeril and vioxx said laying on the hardwood floor was a good idea and set me up an appointment with the doctor. I hadn't been to a doctor since leaving the hospital in 96 thats five years....I was healthy over weight but healthy...
At the doctors the next week she told me I was over weight and was probably going through menopause. She ordered physical therapy and said we would talk to a nutritionist.
This was March I hadn't worked for a month and was facing eviction my landlord told me to go to Welfare and get help. I tried, they told me because I didnt have an eviction from the courts they couldnt help me. I went to the Salvation Army they told me since I couldnt pay the next month they couldnt help me either. I started selling things I had of value...TV's, stereos, my car, we made it another two months... In physical therapy they put weights on my feet trying to stretch my spine to unpinch the nerve I suppose...at the same time my doc's son was ill her husband was also a doctor and he took over as my doctor going along with her original diagnosis.
During this spine stretching incident I was laying on a flat table and got dizzy I asked the nurse if I supposed to feel that way she unhooked it took my blood pressure and told me to lay there when she came 1/2 hour later she again took my blood pressure and sent me home. That night my neck hurt, sort of like a stiff neck would. The next morning I couldn't feel my toes and my hands were numb... I called the doctor and he told me I probably slept wrong....Another month later he scheduled an MRI we had lost the house, Heather was living with a school friend and attending school. I was staying with a family friend, dieting and applying for disibility.
During the MRI I felt excrutiating pain and asked them to stop. She let me out for a few minutes, then completed the test. When I got up I felt warm liqued going down my legs so I went to the rest room. I was bleeding and quite heavily, I went immediatly to the doctors office. He made me wait for about an hour then he told me that an MRI wouldnt do anything to make me bleed, that I was going through the change of life and I might as well get used to it. Two weeks later, results appointment. I already knew I had a herniated disc I got the results from the hospital and asked a friend studing medicine. So he said we would watch the disc and that again the bleeding that continued was just going through the change. I was sick I felt ill, my arms and legs were numb, I stumbled often...with a herniated disc I was just being brushed off again. I went home thinking I couldn't take much more, the son of the lady I was staying with was drinking and gave me a half pint of Jack Daniels, I hadn't drank since 1996...but what was the point? I had a handful of pain killers in my pocket, was I suicidal? probably..it's a blessing I got drunk before I took the pain killers. The next morning I checked myself into a mental ward again, I told them if the pain waas in my head and I was just going through the change of life, then cut my damn head off and get it over with.
They immediatley ran some tests to find I had a huge infection from an ovarian cyst that had imploded sending it's fluid into the female organs, since it wasn't addrressed it was infected. I was given two D&C's over the course of the next two weeks and was set up with a neurologist. I was in the hospital on September 11th when the world trade center disaster happened. The doctor who had misdiagnosed me for 8 months discharged me from his practice September 11th for not going to physical therapy while checked into the hospital... What a quack!! I couldn't believe he took the time on that day of all days to throw me out of his practice.
So anyway I had a disc fusion done November 14th of 2001. Slowly rebuilding my life
Here is the promise I made to myself this year.
I am 47 years old single never married mother of two, I have a son and a daughter, they are almost grown up, it seems like yesterday...
Well anyway my saga began when I was nine... My mother was the mother of seven children 4 boys and 3 girls...I am the middle child... My Mother died of cancer, I was severely traumatized... In my nine year old mind I was the cause of her death...My older brothers and I had fought in the hospital and the last words my Mother said were ones of admonishment, something to the effect of behave yourself I don't remember exactly...So when she died the next day I thought that I had somehow caused it... At the funeral I wanted to apologize and kiss her good-bye so I waited for all the people to go outside, climbed up on the kneeler and bent to kiss her I was jerked away before I could, by two men and placed in a car with 4 nuns... My last memory of that day was turning around and seeing my father get into the limousine as I kicked and screamed and the limo pulling away...The next two years are a blur...I do not remember my mother or being younger than nine... My Father remarried when I was twelve to a woman who had no children and I don't believe she knew what she was in for living with 7 children not her own... I am not sure when the abuse began, but my childhood is filled with verbal and physical punishment... My father would come home from work and line us all up Oldest to Youngest and start with my sister...He would ask "what did you do today?" the reply did not matter we were beaten with a wooden paddle...I being the middle child would try and protect the younger siblings and I came up with extra infractions so I would wear my Dad out before he got to them...After a severe beating I had welts that were oozing blood and was not able to sit...At school I went to the locker room and tried to take a shower in hopes that the pain would lesson...I was caught in the shower by an instructor and taken to the nurse back in the 70's corporal punishment was an acceptable practice... But the nurse became my friend and I was excused from my classes in my senior year and allowed to sit in the nurses office and that way if I was beaten again I was doctored by the nurse and allowed to sleep... My teachers all sent me homework via the nurse and I returned my homework the same way... When I graduated I had made enough money from working on farms and from my job as a shoe shine to relocate so I left everyone I knew and went to California..Alone.. It was great!
My Grandmother called me one day and said I needed to come home and help her as my Grandfather was gravely ill... So I did... All the abuse I had endured had already taken it's toll... I already thought I would never amount to anything... I never could get the approval of my father... Nor my stepmother...
The patterns I learned as a child were not healthy ones. In my decision making process mis-cued responses were usually the case. I have always felt less than capable, but in all reality I am a very capable person, so when a decision was to be made, the irrational response brought on by my low self esteem didn't allow me a logical choice. I often misinterpret compliments, looking for the real reason someone said something nice... I couldn't possibly deserve it.! I have to catch myself when these things I say to myself and reverse it---and look at what was said for what it was a compliment... These people who say these compliments see me everyday and my father who gave me the low self esteem isn't... I am worth the compliment that was given, I have talent and I have worth...And someday the question in my mind if I am worth the compliment won't come and I will be able to smile and say Thank You! Without hesitation
I met men who were abusive, seeming to attract them- the first one professed his love after I made manager of the same company in three short months. I was 20 and lonely, he gave me a ring after having never even being on a date... He talked me into leaving my managers position and moving 178 miles away from friends and family, isolation, one room cabin in the middle of nowhere while he went away for a week or two at a time. I then became pregnant he seemed excited but said we really couldn't afford a child and after a little discussion he talked me into an abortion. Just the thought of the abortion brings back pain as two weeks later (he made me go alone) we were on our way back home and he announced he would be buying a drag racer to race on the Martin Circuit, I tried to jump out of a moving truck doing 65 on a highway... When he stopped the vehicle I was very distraught, I had killed my child for financial reasons that must not have existed, I left him as soon as we got back home flushed my diamond down the toilet and never looked back but the pain resides. He married six months later and has 6 kids and no drag racer.
The second attempt at a relationship with ex-fiance's best friend sort of like a revenge thing I guess but I wound up pregnant again. I knew God wanted me to have this child so I gave the man an option- 1. He was alcoholic so I said if he wanted to choose to stop drinking he could help me raise my child
2. He could choose to continue to drink and leave me alone.
I never heard from him again until the Friend of the Court found him in Alabama on his death bed, he had brain cancer and wanted to meet his son...The trauma we went through in that event occurred while I was attending college, shortly having the memories of my mothers death coming back while doing a meditation exercise for school... He met his father and it really had a terrible effect on him...(I'm sorry son) His only advice given to a twelve year old was "Son, Women are like busses a new one comes a long every fifteen minutes."
Round three has been by far the most debilitating to me, I was raising my son by myself sometimes working three jobs to make ends meet so at times I had no sleep... I started taking speed to stay awake, which led to crystal methodrine a stronger form of speed, I would stay awake for days at a time and somehow functioned for about 6 months when I was robbed and couldn't make the rent, I was evicted so I had a two year old and myself living out of an old galaxy the back seat carried all the necessities. I was stopped in a routine traffic stop for a broken head light, my license had been suspended due to a ticket long since forgotten, not having an address to caught up to me I had no knowledge of it, the officer let me go as he could see I was living with a baby out of my car. The mandatory sentence for driving on a suspended license-30 - 90 days in jail, plus fines etc. Considering my circumstances I asked my family to watch my son and went to the Judge who would hear my case explained the situation (other than the speed) and he assured me I wouldn't have to spend time in jail and to take care of my son...So anyway I knew I was in trouble so I signed a 6 month power of Attorney with my sister and planned to move to Cadillac to dry out. I met my daughters father at a Halloween Party just before I left, he seemed genuinely interested in me. I moved anyway and corresponded with him on a regular basis, I got word that my sister had filed a petition for adoption while I was in Cadillac so I asked him if I could stay with him while I fought for custody of my son, he agreed. I came back wrote a letter to the courts and revoked the Power of Attorney. My sister has never forgiven me she felt she would be able to give him a better life....
Well I did not move back to Cadillac but instead stayed with my abuser, at first it was great we could talk and he had fun with my son, then his friends started coming over to meet me, things changed rapidly I was not allowed to use the phone I was not allowed to shop unless he was with me I was not allowed to have friends over etc. When I had a friend stop by unannounced we moved to the sticks. I was with my son twenty four seven not allowed to work which I thought at the time was cool so my son and I had great times until he came home, nothing was right the brat made a mess etc... It escalated real fast he started accusing me of cheating on him and smacking my son when he misbehaved or just didn't make a response that he liked... Demanding respect from a three year old who got nothing but dissrespect... He began spanking him, from my childhood that was something I did not want when I tried to discuss my three year old son he would automatically take out his aggression on him... Shortly after Thanksgiving I called the Landlord and asked him to come pick up the rent, when he arrived I had a suitcase with my sons belongings and a few of mine and hitched a ride to town. I went to the health department because I felt ill...I was pregnant
As you can see I created more and more chaos in my life. I have been dealing with forgiving my father as he didn't know that I was traumatized at the funeral and raising 7 children while trying to pay for his wife's medical bills he didn't make good choices. He loved me and he isn't a violent person he was a frustrated one.
I have struggled with my feelings about the physical abuse as a child as my siblings and I each have a different view of those years.
How can you separate from a family whom you are part of...They live and breath, they went through the same thing, why don't they see it as abuse? Are they abusive of there families? Questions I can't answer, and it is hard to know that the cycle might continue, do I have the strength after all that I have been through to regain a normal life? Do I reach out to my family and confront them? No I can't do confrontations...When I am involved in an argument or disagreement my mind goes blank I am the little girl standing in the beating line.....I have learned to argue with my children and they always win the first round because I get lost, I always made a second chance and we will repeat the discussion and we do it as many times as it takes ..If I tried that with my siblings It would not make a difference. It is a one shot deal...My children have adjusted to the way I have to do things due to my disorder but I don't have 17 years to explain this to anyone else I feel lost...
Too tired to be angry, After all the struggle I have consumed, my body is tired of being in shock! The abuse I have endured and continue to endure via my daughters father (still ranting and raving about child support and what a lazy fat etc..Mother I am) almost 18 years of living on the edge waiting for him to come and finish me off....I'm tired
I am in chronic pain... And sometimes think I know everything...I don't... My emotional pain is the root of my physical pain and it is a vicious cycle...I can't seem to let it go and my body is responding to that emotional pain, by falling apart.
So when I spout off and it sounds like I am a know it all...Remember I don't
January 06 2005
Well It's almost a year later, I'm back in Michigan still disabled and still having flashbacks. There are more traumas in my past that I didn't include in the original post and I'm not sure that it's such a good idea to air them here. Although I may at some time need to vent them because they still bother me. (flashbacks)
My daughters father disowned her then bribed her back with a phone still in the Power and Control realm. My daughter has begun to recognize this behavior for what it is. She loves her Dad but thinks she has a handle on it. He was on her college paperwork as a contact she removed his name so he can't check up on her. He was opening her mail now she has changed the address so he doesn't receive any. For the Holidays he demanded she stay with him and told her she couldn't come and go as she pleased but she did anyway, I am proud of her accomplishments in school and the way she is developing as an adult.
My son made me a grandma this year and is taking on the responsibility of three children who are not his own. Making a 6 member family. I worry the most about him because of the things we went through together. He never had a decent male figure in his life, we moved a lot, he attended (geesh I lost count) at least 8 schools and left me at 15 to go to another town alone to finish a GED. He actually graduated a full year ahead of schedule. Got married at 18 to a woman who had a 3 year old, he wanted to be this little boys Daddy and give him a chance that he himself didn't have. His wife kicked him out after only a month but won't give him a divorce. He went into the Army, when he left he had a fracture in his ankle but they allowed him to pass the physical, I have no idea how they missed it. While in basic training he fell from a tree refracturing his ankle and they told him he had a pre-existing degenerative spinal disorder and medically honorable discharged him. Now he has met his current girlfriend who had 3 children already and she has some issues, but what troubles me is that he struggles to be employed with a back injury, but doesn't want to be disabled. The responsibility for taking on 4 children and a woman you can't marry is like a bomb waiting to explode. I can almost hear it tick. I keep praying that he will stay in this relationship because if it fails he would surely be crushed. He was suicidal when his wife kicked him out, so now that he has a child of his own in the mix? I'm worried.
1/19/2005 transferred from recovery group
My challenge today is to see a world of possibilities. I don't see any.
I'm still living the PTSD
I don't know how to get out of this.
I'm not willing to latch on to a guy as a way out.
But sometimes feel that's the only alternative.
I'm 46 going through menopause. LOL if that isn't enough I'm homeless. well that's not exactly true, I'm living in a house and pay 250 dollars to stay here. But the situation surrounding me makes it not a permanent situation if you know what I mean.
I wrote my bio for my Journey to self which is posted on the web at shellssea.blogspot.com.
I went traveling in Febrary of last year in search of myself. I found myself homeless after moving into a situation very nearly the same as the one I am in now. So I still function the same, I am still on the Merry Go round and darn it I want to get off it. I just don't know how to get there.
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Shoot forgot to tell you I have a neck fusion at C6 and C7 I have a hard time with turning my head very far, it's difficult and hurts plenty. I get stress knots between my shoulder blades I also have lower back pain that has never been correctly diagnosed. I have/had bone spurs in my knees and arthritus. with a promise I need replacements someday. But I am overweight. I have an eating disorder that isn't a labeled one as far as I know. I eat my stress, I'm not bolemic though I just sock on the pounds. Part of it is a safety mechanizm I added on weight as the response to my abuser....Let it Go
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I'm not sure I have ever really dealt with my mother dying. I know I wasn't ready for her passing.
I also need to grieve for my Dad. Even though he is still alive what I went through as a child...I feel like I need to grieve for the relationship I never had.
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Recent or rather the rest of the story:
1996
attending college full load final semester.
14 yr old son
who had met for the first time and lost his Dad to cancer the year before.
10 yr old daughter
restraining order on Daughters father he threatened to cut me up in little pieces and show his daughter...trauma
fell off a fence a broke ankle
Had to drop out of college after 3 casts got wet and I was too far behind to finish. I was studying Ornamental Horticulture or Landscaping. My cast got wet in my outdoor labs. Turf grass management, Surveying for a design class and plant Identification.
I was misadvised I should have requested an incomplete which would have put my financial aide on hold. Instead I was withdrawn from classes and owed for the semester. I was on acedemic probation due to my grades, which was a result of being a single parent dealing with the trauma happening in my life.
I didn't see it that way "I failed"
I was the failure my parents always said I would be.
I started drinking to drown...a fifth a day. My son raised his sister....because I didnt drink at home. I am ashamed of this part of my life.
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and had the year wrong...I had so much happen...1996 I checked myself into a hospital...I wasn't suicidal I just wanted to die. I didn't know I had PTSD. The original diagnosis was depression severe and chronic. I had figured out the binge drinking wasn't good for me...tried to work but messed that up...lived in a crappy falling apart trailer, boxes stacked from floor to cieling and a storage unit packed to the gills. We had 4 cat's that my daughter rescued or adopted. My life was filled with debilitating depression. Checking myself in was the right choice. But now I had a label. Or felt like I had one.
During that hospital stay the psychiatrist tried to get my Dad and step mothers perspective. He invited both of them to come to a meeting. My Dad didn't come, my stepmother when asked how she viewed me, she brought up all my failures.
Operation Home Base- was a program I designed for Home Sharing. I recieved a grant from the United Way to start it after I researched it and found a place to house it. I gave the money back to the United Way when I decided that going to college which I was doing took precedence. It was the right decision for me and not a failure.
I had children out of wed lock...that was the other failure she sited...I failed to provide a stable home for my kids.
and then the jobs...I've had 72 jobs in a 23 year work history. Which wasn't a failure not very responsible maybe, but the jobs all 72 of them I put in 120% and I learned a lot of trades in the process.
The psychologist let her (step-mother) say all these thing's then he said good bye to her I was sobbing and distraught. She walked out and he said "Boy, she is a real piece of work!"
"It's a no wonder you think that you are a failure"
Then he helped me work out that these things were not failures. I did the best I could with what I had. But he missed the diagnosis of PTSD. The diagnosis at that point was chronic depression.
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During that phase of my life I really messed up my credit. It was already bad but I didn't pay even the normal bills. I spent what money I did have on the kids. I bought them all the things I wanted them to have so when I was gone..(I was suicidal) they had stuff to remember me by. I took them out to eat because I didnt have the strength to cook for them...Depression is a powerful disorder....
Anyway I moved back to the small town near the University. My kids both liked it here, and I promised my daughter she could finish high school. I worked as a waitress just enough to get by but I was taking my meds and feeling better. My defaulted student loans caught up to me then...they told me they would be gauranteeing my wages for it...I was barly surviving as it was...I quit my job and started working for cash so I could keep my income....aarrggghhhh
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I started driving a cab...I already had a cheauffers license from driving a city bus, and I was a school bus driver when I was in my 20's. When I first started driving there were two other drivers, shortley after I started they both quit. which left me and the owner to drive 24/7. We did it for three months and finally got new drivers. He then made me the manager. I contacted the fraternities on campus and got them started on a safe buddy account. So they could call us I also contacted Michigan Works and set up an account with them transporting workers to their job. I made enough money to stay afloat but the stress was high. During the summer we didn't have enough business to support all the drivers so I worked in a green house, we started in February with seedlings transplanting, and greening up the plants from the year prior. I worked very hard there all physically demanding work. I worked with a therapist for a year, then decided I was ok and stopped taking meds.
The following spring of 2001 was where my life came to a screeching halt. I was in transition from the cab company to the greenhouse...it was a cold February morning when I went to the farm to prune the apple trees. You prune them when it's cold so they don't bleed to death.
Anyway the more work I did the worse I felt I was achy and my lower back began to hurt...I couldn't finish it I told her I would be back the next day to clean up. The next day I couldn't move, I layed on the hardwood floor for three days. Walking was excrutiating. When I had to walk a block to the store for groceries I ended up sitting down on the sidewalk and crying I just couldn't take another step. A passerby stopped and called an ambulance. At the hospital they told me I had a pinched nerve gave me flexeril and vioxx said laying on the hardwood floor was a good idea and set me up an appointment with the doctor. I hadn't been to a doctor since leaving the hospital in 96 thats five years....I was healthy over weight but healthy...
At the doctors the next week she told me I was over weight and was probably going through menopause. She ordered physical therapy and said we would talk to a nutritionist.
This was March I hadn't worked for a month and was facing eviction my landlord told me to go to Welfare and get help. I tried, they told me because I didnt have an eviction from the courts they couldnt help me. I went to the Salvation Army they told me since I couldnt pay the next month they couldnt help me either. I started selling things I had of value...TV's, stereos, my car, we made it another two months... In physical therapy they put weights on my feet trying to stretch my spine to unpinch the nerve I suppose...at the same time my doc's son was ill her husband was also a doctor and he took over as my doctor going along with her original diagnosis.
During this spine stretching incident I was laying on a flat table and got dizzy I asked the nurse if I supposed to feel that way she unhooked it took my blood pressure and told me to lay there when she came 1/2 hour later she again took my blood pressure and sent me home. That night my neck hurt, sort of like a stiff neck would. The next morning I couldn't feel my toes and my hands were numb... I called the doctor and he told me I probably slept wrong....Another month later he scheduled an MRI we had lost the house, Heather was living with a school friend and attending school. I was staying with a family friend, dieting and applying for disibility.
During the MRI I felt excrutiating pain and asked them to stop. She let me out for a few minutes, then completed the test. When I got up I felt warm liqued going down my legs so I went to the rest room. I was bleeding and quite heavily, I went immediatly to the doctors office. He made me wait for about an hour then he told me that an MRI wouldnt do anything to make me bleed, that I was going through the change of life and I might as well get used to it. Two weeks later, results appointment. I already knew I had a herniated disc I got the results from the hospital and asked a friend studing medicine. So he said we would watch the disc and that again the bleeding that continued was just going through the change. I was sick I felt ill, my arms and legs were numb, I stumbled often...with a herniated disc I was just being brushed off again. I went home thinking I couldn't take much more, the son of the lady I was staying with was drinking and gave me a half pint of Jack Daniels, I hadn't drank since 1996...but what was the point? I had a handful of pain killers in my pocket, was I suicidal? probably..it's a blessing I got drunk before I took the pain killers. The next morning I checked myself into a mental ward again, I told them if the pain waas in my head and I was just going through the change of life, then cut my damn head off and get it over with.
They immediatley ran some tests to find I had a huge infection from an ovarian cyst that had imploded sending it's fluid into the female organs, since it wasn't addrressed it was infected. I was given two D&C's over the course of the next two weeks and was set up with a neurologist. I was in the hospital on September 11th when the world trade center disaster happened. The doctor who had misdiagnosed me for 8 months discharged me from his practice September 11th for not going to physical therapy while checked into the hospital... What a quack!! I couldn't believe he took the time on that day of all days to throw me out of his practice.
So anyway I had a disc fusion done November 14th of 2001. Slowly rebuilding my life
Here is the promise I made to myself this year.
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Welcome
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Welcome
If you have PTSD then you are already living in hell.
A very dear friend of mine said:
"It's not about the Destination it's all about the Journey"
" If you feel like your going through hell...well my friends that's not the place to stop."
I wholeheartedly agree.
PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder what is it?
How did I get it?
Do I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?
The chaos I create just keeps going, it's a vicious cycle... I want to get off this merry-go-round.
My adventure started long before PTSD was even recognized as a disorder. I was not a service (vietnam) related PTSD as it has been commonly referred to. I was traumatized as a child with the death of my mother, and then later by abusive men. My responses to stress is often compounded by the miscued thinking patterns developed as a coping mechanism. It is my hope to publish my story and my recovery attempts here, to help anyone else who may be in the same situation.
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