Wow...I have a lot to be Thankful for... I got to go on an incredible Journey ...A Journey to Self it may seem like a short Journey to you but I still don't remember the first 9 years of my life. I do NOT want to open that Pandora's Box.
It may happen and God help me when it does... The knowledge that I still have something in my past that my brain couldn't handle back then, is the catalyst to figure out who I really am. Knowledge is key for me to not take drugs...I am not on any medications... I need to bear with the pain or be doped up on drugs that are popping up on list of suits involving recalls/ dangerous drugs...Vioxx, Bextra, Celebrex, Neurontin, Oxycontin, those are the names of the drugs I know they gave me the physicians I mean... I really do feel like a guinea pig....
I'm no longer trying to help my friend, I've been up here for a couple weeks now...And still have stress in my life...My days and night's are all screwed up I left there in a panic mode. My friend is setting himself up to lose everything... But can't see beyond the alcoholic nightmare he lives in. I'm not going to feel bad about my choice to leave. That was the wisest choice for me. I do feel awful, gut wrenching awful that I can't help my friend... It was much too dangerous living there.... So I am functioning in classic PTSD form... I do have several friends at the moment who I can count on to talk me through some things... So anyway it is time for me to get back into this... This healing of me through writing...Til the next time Happy Thanksgiving and have a Blessed Day
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Monday, November 15, 2004
Hi, Friends
Today is well... It's another day in the life of PTSD....
My daughter bless her heart was disowned by her Power and Control Freak Dad...
It wasn't enough to make me move away from her...He tried to control her when he bought her a phone for college... He reads her mail...Instead of helping his 19 year old child wade through the college paperwork he accuses her of lying...
It's been this way for all of the 19 years, he didn't have control of me so he used her in a power struggle dragging me to court telling her to be careful or she would end up like me fat and lazy. She is an artist and a very talented one at that... But to get her Dad to support her emotionally is like trying to pull teeth from a tiger...Yah might as well get the stitches first.
On to the second latest thing...I was living with a friend trying to help him help himself with his PTSD...He wasn't ready...His life style would need to change in order for him to heal and he would rather drink himself to death. I moved back to the town my daughter is in so I can keep in touch with her more closely...The kids have been so important in my life for the last 23 years, I need to be connected to them...Even though they are starting their own lives they appreciate the sacrifices I made for them and have recently let me know that they recognize those sacrifices.
I'm really tired of the chaos this disorder brings to the table...I just don't seem to have control.
I'm still not on any medications none for my chronic pain and none for depression...I'm still a resident of Alabama with Alabama Medicaid, that I can't use...And a bank account that was drained by the drunks at my friends house...I need to stop procrastinating and fix it so this week that is the plan get back on track with everything...So for now Peace... And keep me in your prayers...Shell
Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm
I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I havent posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...always the rescuer eh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsend as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultram for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.
At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...
Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...and I'm resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...that I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...they have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? or drug users? or people who have trouble staying in one place?
*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.
My daughter bless her heart was disowned by her Power and Control Freak Dad...
It wasn't enough to make me move away from her...He tried to control her when he bought her a phone for college... He reads her mail...Instead of helping his 19 year old child wade through the college paperwork he accuses her of lying...
It's been this way for all of the 19 years, he didn't have control of me so he used her in a power struggle dragging me to court telling her to be careful or she would end up like me fat and lazy. She is an artist and a very talented one at that... But to get her Dad to support her emotionally is like trying to pull teeth from a tiger...Yah might as well get the stitches first.
On to the second latest thing...I was living with a friend trying to help him help himself with his PTSD...He wasn't ready...His life style would need to change in order for him to heal and he would rather drink himself to death. I moved back to the town my daughter is in so I can keep in touch with her more closely...The kids have been so important in my life for the last 23 years, I need to be connected to them...Even though they are starting their own lives they appreciate the sacrifices I made for them and have recently let me know that they recognize those sacrifices.
I'm really tired of the chaos this disorder brings to the table...I just don't seem to have control.
I'm still not on any medications none for my chronic pain and none for depression...I'm still a resident of Alabama with Alabama Medicaid, that I can't use...And a bank account that was drained by the drunks at my friends house...I need to stop procrastinating and fix it so this week that is the plan get back on track with everything...So for now Peace... And keep me in your prayers...Shell
Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm
I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I havent posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...always the rescuer eh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsend as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultram for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.
At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...
Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...and I'm resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...that I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...they have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? or drug users? or people who have trouble staying in one place?
*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.
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