Failure or learning Curve

While recovering from the first time I fell apart, choice of words… hhmm ok when things got so confusing .. ok honestly I don’t know what the hell happened.. after a string of stressors pushed me off what I could handle? Anyway I was in the hospital outpatient, going through alcohol withdrawals and self medicating with mary.. I was asked to invite my parents to speak with a therapist. They wanted another perspective.
I called and asked them to come, I don’t remember the phone call but know it it must have been difficult for me… not knowing why so many things had happened… why was life stacked against me.. why were bad things happening to good people? I was (am) good people!


So anyway Dad didn’t make the appointment I remember hearing that unlike me some people had to work for a living.. so the therapist asked my stepmother “ how they viewed me how did Michelle do in school? Did anything happen when she was younger? How has she been since?

“Well Michelle didn’t do well in school settling for C’s when she was much smarter….
(Remember while I was barily scraping through school I was bleeding from welts I got from being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies)

Well, Michelle was raised in the Catholic church, and they were like normal kids so..
StOP

K it wont do me any good to go back quite that far.. so many things happened when I was a kid.. and they hurt to think about them… ok it's amzing how fast the human brain can go there...I need to list them and get them out.. bare with me…

Dad shot the dog... the steers had circled it and were stomping it to death… I was trying to get him out and…ugh

My brothers smashed a nest of mice, and took glee in it…

I wanted to escape the house the yelling and avoid a beating… I .. took a small portable radio and an Agatha Christie novel out to the Maple Syrup shed, it was a mobile home shed that my Dad altered for cooking the maple syrup.. It smelled wonderful. He had a couple bales of straw along the sides to block the wind from the north which made a perfect place to read. So I kept the fire going added more sap occasionally and the snow began to fall…. I woke up in the snow to my Dad slapping me, screaming at me to wake up… then he yelled at me “Get your ass in the house and go to bed” I almost died that night I had a headache for two weeks….Do you think he knew?

I got to stand in the middle of the line of kids and watch beatings coming and going…


I was trying to help get chores done, and thought I should be able to drive a tractor… phffft I climbed up in the seat as my siblings tried to tell me I didn’t have any idea what I was doing.. I pushed down what I thought was the clutch said you better get out of my way so I can get the chores done and throttled up and turned the key… I didn’t have my foot on the clutch I had it on the brake.. the tractor roared to life and spun the rear tires off as it turned in circles…

I was around 16 and couldn’t seem to do anything right, I was always being ridiculed and being told I was dumb, (the grades) , lazy, …
So I decided if I mucked out the barn… Dad might go easy on me…the next round of beatings… it was right after my brother got mad at me for something stupid and hit me hard enough to leave bruises.. when my stepmother saw them she confronted him because he was the one with a bad temper.. during the confrontation my brother slapped her and was immediately kicked out… I took the blame for that and was beating myself with it…
So there I am in the barn mucking it out.. and the cramps of being female began.. oh great!
So I began to cry, turned up the radio, and continued to move shit out of the barn… There is a bull and two cows in the pen milling around when I look up and my Dad says “ GET OUT” So then I burst into full fledge balling, and say “ Why cant I eve
Dad came flying over the 7 foot steel fence grabbed the shovel out of my hands pushed me into the feeding trough and swung the shovel which resounded off the bulls head with a clang Ill never forget… I scrambled out of the pen as I finished saying “do anything right?”
He climbed out and said “Are you on your period?” As I looked back at the fully engorged bull staring at me..
“Don’t come in the barn on your period go to the house”

Would have been a good time for the birds and the bees talk….
From then on…
I could never bring myself to go around any animals that were larger than a toaster…
And it was never discussed further…

Ok..so now where was I?

Yep that’s how I remember that meeting all that stuff was trying to go through my head.. I don’t think I thought about all of them until after she left but.. enough to make me cry when my childhood had been labeled as normal…

So there I am sitting there crying when she began to relate my failures.. or at least what she deemed as my failures.. which, by the way I hadn’t considered as failures but ate the title like Jam on toast..

I had illegitimate children and was an embarrassment to the family.. I already knew that from when I got an award for carrying a 4.0 average for two years…and the article also included the fact that I had been homeless.. instead of being proud of me they were embarrassed.
I had gotten a 3500 dollar budget to explore a home sharing proposal. One I had developed and researched and wrote the proposal for. I abandoned .. no I chose to give the money back to the United Way minus the 10 dollars I had spent on stamps because I was going to school full time and nearing the end of a two year degree, liberal arts or more aptly named prerequisite art.. I was going to Ferris for a degree In Ornamental Horticulture and I needed to concentrate on moving my family. It was a good choice, and I gave the research I had done to the United Way in the hopes someone else could pursue it. While I came to that decision I pictured a failure, I struggled with my emotions, dealt with my sons dying father who met him for the first time in Alabama the semester before… until the mentors at H.O.M.E (Helping Ourselves Means Employment/Education) and Staff of a homeless shelter I had volunteered with for three years, helped me sort those feelings out.. Surprised that I couldn’t touch the pride I should have felt in coming as far as I had with it…

Before she could continue listing anymore of my failures I stopped the interview by leaving.. when the therapist found me he hugged me and said “ Boy no wonder you felt like a failure… you have heard that your whole life haven’t you?

I have to keep telling myself I wasn’t a failure.. I made do with the skill set I had.. and it depends on who is looking at it … they cant make a judgment… not without knowing the facts.

But the crux of the issue is my telling myself I’ve failed.. I still struggle with it..

Tonight I read this:

“When you question the validity of failure as a legitimate concept, you begin to experience the magic of non attachment, one of the greatest gifts life has to offer. Before I go on let me assure you that nonattachment has nothing to do with not caring or being apathetic. Instead, it’s about doing your best, putting the odds in your favor, working hard towards your goals—but simultaneously letting go of the results. You become more involved in the process, but less attached to the fruits of your labor. You still want things to go your way, but your not dependant on it for your survival or peace of mind. You lose all sense of desperation, replacing it with gentle confidence.”
What About the Big Stuff Finding Strength and Moving Forward When the Stakes are High
Richard Carlson, Ph.D

When I try to let go of the results.. I go through everything attached to how I started thinking I was a failure… it’s a constant battle.. but one worth fighting for.

Assignment

Posted here: http://shell-shellssea.blogspot.com/

Recovery Within

I titled this segment recovery within because these episodes of extreme stress is ultimately inside the recovery from the PTSD. I've come a long way from my diagnosis in 2001. I've had several people suggest that I should put on my airmask like that of the jet going down in flames. I did that already when I went to the therapist. I've actually been wearing the mask since I checked myself into a psych unit back in 96 it was there that I learned I was stronger than this disorder. I have learned my limits and continue to test myself against them.. someday I hope to be able to stay ahead of the crash. Until then I'm not afraid to look for help. My psych suggested benedryl to help me sleep, rather than going to the "big guns" (medication) I haven't yet resorted to that. My body made me sleep the other day for around 17 hours. When I woke up at 5 in the afternoon I felt nautious and had extreme pain in my lower back, I slept crooked since I was so tired I probably layed the same way for a long time. So I layed on the floor and called my son with the two way radio he gave me. He told me that he will be undergoing surgery on his back and that the neuro is trying to help him get disibility. I have no idea if he is telling the truth or not. I hate that I doubt him, but will be there if in fact he does have surgery.
The kids have moved to another drama situation but I'm trusting God to look out for them. Still wearing the mask still getting a little air, still waiting for the plane to right itself. One day at a time.