I don't want to know what makes me cry in my sleep

Last weekend I went to Otsego for my nieces Marching Band invitational. I stayed at my youngest sisters house and spoke to my oldest sibling for an awkward brief moment. She is adopting the second child from her foster care, siblings who will have a better life than what they were destined for had they stayed with thier drug addicted parents. We have a history I'm not quite sure how to explain it.. she was my mother for a couple of years after Mom died, as the oldest child she was always first in line for the beatings.. we have never discussed any of that.
When my son was three I went through a period of self loathing and got mixed up in a mess. I wasn't able to take care of my son in the way he deserved. So I asked my brother to keep him for a little while, so I could get my head back in the right place. After a week he decided he couldnt do it and asked my sister he she would. So I agreed to it signing a power of attorney for 6 months... and left town.. not knowing anyone who had access to drugs was exactly what I needed to work it out. Unfortunatly/fortunatly? just before I left I met my daughters Dad at a halloween party and we corresponded while I was away.
Nearing the third month I had been working and saving money and staying out of trouble started feeling better and had been planning for getting my son back when I got a notice that my sister had filed a petition with the courts to adopt my son. I had to quit my jobs (yes 2) and come back to fight my sister in court. I had to explain to the court officers why I left him in her care.
Well since My daughters dad had expressed interest I asked him if we could stay with him for a while which was how our relationship began. Since if I took him back without an adequate housing arrangment they would grant the petition.
I knew it wasn't a good way to start a relationship but I wanted to raise my son and the choice to get my shit together was a good one... but I didnt feel like I had any other option. Then my sister was mad at me for taking away her son... yes he was mine.. but she felt like I was a bad mother like the kids mother that she has now adopted.....
I'm glad she has the family she always wanted... but I had a hard time being happy for her.. I feel like I should be...

So then on Sunday before coming back to isolation we ventured to my Dads house for my stepmothers birthday. They weren't home so my nieces and I went for rides on the go cart. My parents farm was 12 acres so I took a trip out to my old isolation spot it was a group of pine trees.. of course the trees have grown and there isn't a spot to hide anymore... I don't want to hide...the whispers of the pines was gone...

So I haven't slept since last Sunday I came home and went to bed thinkinng I had a reletivly good weekend and woke three times crying.. I couldnt remember what I had been dreaming about and I guess it doesn't really matter.. I just dont want to sleep. I dont want to know what makes me cry in my sleep...