Anger

pg. 39 Pattern Changing for Abused Women: An Educational Program
by Marilyn Shear Goodman

Understanding Anger
Definition

"Anger is one of the most difficult feelings for abused women to confront in themselves and, understandably in others. Merriam websters dictionary defines anger as "a strong feeling of displeasure and (usually) of antagonism" Synonyms are rage, fury, indignation, and wrath. The feeling of anger is as natural as that of being thirsty. Animals become angry when their territory is invaded. They become angry when their young, their herd, or they themselves are threatened. We humans become angry for the same natural reasons; it signals us that psychological or physical boundaries are being crossed against our wishes; our children, family, community, or selves are threatened with harm; needs are not met for human dignity, respect of rights, or justice; or we have become aware for the first time that any or all of the above have occurred in the past."

I took the pattern changing class with fellow ladies who have dealt with abuse in many forms. I have yet to figure out how to be angry in a healthy way. I hold my anger afraid to confront people or situations. Although I have used anger in the past to give myself enough strength to protect my children. When I got angry I got moving, I documented abusive situations and went to court armed with enough information to let my attorney win the argument. I am not even sure when the last time was I was angry, I don't recognize the anger. I mean I get upset sometimes but rather than confront an issue I will hold it in. Then when something happens and I am unable to retreat, I may say things that have no bearing on the real situation; but is more than likely something that happened five, ten, fifteen years ago. It's confusing and frustrating. I then use the confusion and anger to beat myself with, I am my own worst abuser.

Spirituality

I was raised a Catholic, we went to church every Sunday as children. The problems I had in the Catholic Church started when my mother died... My question back then was " How could an all knowing all loving God take my mother from me?" I even went as far as to ask my catechism instructor where the dinosaurs fit in. I was trying to refute my confusion. I hated God and couldn't understand how I loved him at the same time. Instinctively I knew there had to be a greater power, in order for the world to be such a beautiful place and it truly is. I do believe in God, but I also fear him. I fear him in an unhealthy way, just as my normal thinking patterns are skewed so is my religion. My fathers discipline style presented the irrational fear, and just as I love my father unconditionally I love my father in heaven. I think my use of the Lakota cards is allowing me to gain a better perspective. I need to focus on God and what he has done for me, so when I decide what it is I need to ask for; I can do so, without this irrational fear. I need to accept that I am a beautiful person inside and out, and that he hasn't judged me yet. The fear of him having already judged me is part of the irrational me. That doesn't happen until this Journey is over. Yesterday I met 2 young ladies about my daughters age, they saw me struggling with my suitcases and offered to help me. I knew that God put them there yesterday, one because I needed the help, and two because they needed to meet me, for what I don't know. The people I have met along this Journey have all had things to say to me and I am trying to listen to each, and continue to look for a deeper meaning. Something that I may have missed, or need to hear. I know God is here with me, and carries me when I'm tired. I can feel all of your prayers and I appreciate all of them. Until next time....

A New Beginning

The cold seems to be following me. The weather I mean, it was chilly in Kansas actually more like a blizzard, and it was chilly in Colorado, but you would expect that. Las Vegas was semi chilly during the day and down right cold at night. Now I am in Alabama and it's cold here too! I'm hoping for some sunshine to warm me as I am having a little more trouble in the movement part. I swelled up on the bus, my knees and neck are aching something fierce. Hauling my suitcases train style (they have wheels) is getting more difficult as well.
I really have no complaints though, meeting all the people on this Journey is what I think I needed to do. Each person has there own story making my story pale in comparison. The man I met on the train who was injured in a car accident, he is now a preacher he has numerous disabilities, yet maintains a positive attitude and has goals and a plan for his future.
The Internet friends I met from my support group, all wonderful people in their own rights all with nightmares of their own.
The lady I met who was out of her mind... I mean she was in dementia land... But still traveled unaccompanied and her stories although bizarre let me know just how insignificant my troubles have been.
They function, they cry, they are scared, but they all seem more grounded than me. Each person I meet on this journey is teaching me that it really isn't about the destination, that wherever I go, I'm still the person who went through some terrible stuff, but it doesn't have to control me. I don't have to be the victim. I'll check in again soon... remember those you meet today with a prayer and a kind word. Thanks

Sweat Lodge_ Lakota

I received the Lakota Sweat Lodge Cards http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/lakota/
as a gift and my use of those cards has been interesting and enlightening. I am leaving Las Vegas on my journey on the 6th of March. The Indian ways ask you to look at life as a circle. Using the four directions, and four seasons in the circle of life. The following are cards drawn randomly from a deck. I also asked some questions which will follow.

West

1.
Niyan - Spirit of Man (higher self)
Within each breath, I inhale the gift of life and exhale the gift of myself into the world.

2.
Hochoken Waken - reverence
I attend to my life with reverence, reverence that comes from the heart.

3. Stone drawn from my pouch was the Harmony ball.


North

1.
Tatanka Oyote - The Bison Nation (balance)
I know myself within the abundance and diversity of life upon the earth and celebrate our kinship.

2.
Spider - Fear of the Unseen
You are not a victim entangled in a web but someone who can choose to detach yourself from fear by recognizing and renouncing it.
Using the courage gifted to me by my creator, I walk through my fears with honesty and integrity.

3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Pink crystal - Love
Self Love - healing of the heart. Awareness of the beauty of art, music and the written word. Used for the treatment of depression.

East

1.
Wani - The Four Directions
Awaken to the lessons in your life. Open your eyes and take in the messages, coming to you from all directions.
The seed of life brought me forth and resides within me. I create a fertile home for this seed through a life rich in love, beauty, and creativity.

2.
The East - Yellow - (Clarity)
The light has risen - you can now begin to see your life with clarity a new light. A new day dawns and you arise with courage ready to make a fresh start. This is an opportunity to transform the way of looking at things, broaden your view, expand the scope of awareness. Now is the time of inspiration. The prospect before you is clear and unobscured. Understanding all that takes place around you journey onward past limitations.
I honor the spirit of the east. I open myself to the gift of new beginning's, of clarity and illumination.

3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Smoky quartz
Dissolve negative energy it's used as a grounding stone and has healing properties - congestion and disorders of the hands and feet.

South

1.
Yum The Whirlwind - Love
Goddess of the Sea, Goddess of Love, Goddess of Sport, Goddess of Games. Her domain lies within the sea and all bodies of water. Her force governs all living things and presides in the love people feel. She symbolizes all that moves in circles: The Whirlwind, the cycles of the seasons and of life, the planets and the stars.
I provide myself the space to connect with the endless flow of loving energy that sustains me. Thus may I discover the flow of love that surrounds me.

2.
Mini Water - (creativity)
clarity and purity - therefore cleansing
liquid and flowing - therefore cleansing
brings forth life - therefore creativity
sustain life - therefore nurturing
Comfortable in the flow of life, moving fluidly along your path, expressing yourself freely with words, images, sounds, movement or just in the way you want in your life. Now your being given the opportunity to create the future. Leave the past behind, and take with you only what will nourish your future creativity.
I release myself into the moment; into the flow of time, events, cycles, emotions, and I find grace and fertile ground along the way.

3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Blood stone - Grounding and protection
Let go of the victim consciousness - healing - deterioration of internal organs, disorders of kidney, spleen, bladder, liver and stomach.



Questions I have asked:

What if anything I am missing?
Anogete
Woman with Two Faces - Duality
Anogete is a supernatural aspect of Hanwi, Moon. The face of anogete is half beautiful half hideous. Her role is to assist humans in finding their way through perceived negativity to the One who exists behind and within the duality of good and bad, light and dark, positive and negative, male and female.
See the whole picture - Balance your perceptions. I f you have only seen the positive, allow the negative to appear, and accept the existence without dismissing it.
Releasing fear and judgment, I open my perceptions to wholeness to One.


Is there something I should see before leaving here?

Wagle Shun - The Swan - Peace

You are reminded to be at Peace with all things. Find the place of peace within yourself and others. Let love take the place of fear and allow your inner peace to gently come forth. Share this strongest beauty with the world around you. Ask yourself what can you do in your life to bring around peace. As peace grows greater it begins to take flight, touching and uplifting all with whom you come in contact.

I seek and find the state of being where the grace and beauty of all life is known. In this way is my heart filled and at peace.