Friday 16th of April

April Showers bring May Flowers...gosh I hope so!

Medicaid a federally funded program. I'm eligible but it really doesn't mean much, I'm just wasting the hard working friends and neighbors and family's money. The people who get out of bed every morning and go to work. They pay taxes on everything in their lives, from their homes to the groceries their families need, to the gas. I am a non functioning burden on America. After my being disabled and having to rely on the federal programs for basic necessities it has become harder and harder to justify to myself that I deserve the assistance. The world would be better off without me...

Does this sound like I am suicidal? Yes even to me, but I don't think I am... I am frustrated and feeling like a burden. But I think I am feeling anger too. I mean its not like I asked to be disabled, if I could turn the clock back and miss this portion of my life? What? I might be happier? No, the reality of my situation is that until I figure out how to cope with chronic pain and wade through the red tape of the government and/or find a physician who went into medicine for the right reasons (to help people) I'm lost.

I had Michigan Medicaid before embarking on this Journey, I fought with them to get the care I wanted, all I wanted was a chance at being treated holistically. Holistic medicine is a relatively new yet used in ancient civilizations and often misunderstood form of medicine. Due to the PTSD and having it for so many years, it is important to understand that my physical health is related to the mental disorder. The constant creation of stress and recreating trauma is something I cant control by myself I need help and a holistic physician treats the mind and body as one unit. Normal physicians don't, they treat only the physical manifestations. If you have insurance.

Due to my work history, I didn't even qualify for Social Security disability. I have worked in a number of different positions 72 or more jobs in my 27 year work history. I worked mostly physical jobs as a farm manager, greenhouse planter and transplanter, waterer, fertilizer, and sales clerk to harvester ie. Strawberries, blueberries, cherries, apples, pumpkins, squash etc. To sales clerks in a farm market. Bus Driver for the City of Kalamazoo to Public schools, and even a taxi driver. Waitress, line cook full menu, dishwasher, salad girl to food prep pretzel maker and cake decorator. I worked as a trophy builder and engraver, business card slitter, ink press cleaner, shipping and receiving, rubber stamp maker. And the list continues. My point in all this I worked full time all while trying to raise my two children alone, a choice I made. Some of the jobs I had, I lost because of the tribulations of raising children, employers take dimly to the time off required when a child is ill. My daughter was plagued with allergies to the world and was often sick. I couldn't afford a decent car, and was always playing catch up with the fixer uppers I could buy. Often doing my own repairs oil changes and the like. Insurance on cars was daunting I never made it out of the pool, a higher priced insurance because I didn't carry continuous coverage. When one of my Junkers died I didn't carry the insurance because I didn't have the car, but when I would find another Junker I would go to get insurance and they would put me in the higher insurance bracket assuming that I had been driving without the insurance. It didn't matter that I had no speeding tickets nor accidents I had to pay high priced insurance premiums.
The rest of the jobs I would learn become bored and find something else to do and quit. Part of PTSD? I think so. All the jobs I gave 110% to while there, the average job length was 6 months, not long enough for credit building nor to get ahead. There was no chance of saving for a rainy day, every day it rained.
My ticket out of the desperate cycle I found myself in was school. I now have a 20,000 dollar student loan bill, no degree in Ornamental Horticulture (broken ankle, financial aide denial) and even if I had the degree, I am not physically able to do that line of work. I need medical assistance and I don't know how to get decent medical care in a federally funded program which is designed not to help but deter you from using it.