Get a grip!

This weekend I spent trying to disseminate the PTSD and the self bashing I did in my last entries. I am worth fighting for, I need to focus on what I can do for myself instead of trying to figure out the failures of a system.
This is what I discovered this past weekend, I hadn't even read the disability paperwork I was given back in 2001.
I often ignore things I can't deal with, thinking it will go away or by ignoring it, it isn't real. I didn't want to admit I was disabled back then and I still don't. I have some issues that are making it more difficult to make decisions for my future. I'm scared of making them but I'm willing to discuss it with some professionals.
I know I am not physically able to do the traditional jobs, like I have done in the past. I have difficulty standing or sitting for long periods. The pain I have in my lower back has the diagnosis of obesity, in other words my frame is complaining. What I can do about that, is watch what I eat, and find a swimming area so I can do water aerobics. The buoyancy of water will allow me to exercise without more pressure.
I have a weight restriction of 20 lbs. due to my neck fusion. I can't change that. I have chronic pain across my shoulders and around the back of my neck where the fusion is, it seems to be worse when I am under stress. What I can do is try to reduce the amount of stress or my reactions to stressers. Instead of being angry at the government for failing me I need to concentrate, on becoming self sufficient again.
I'm going to need rehabilitation services and legal representation. There has to be something I can make money at in this world. I need legal representation for my student loan problems.
I defaulted on my student loans after I broke my ankle and had to withdraw from classes in my final semester. I was on financial aid probation because my grades were barely passing, as a non traditional student raising two young children working full time and taking a full load at school. I felt like a failure the emotional abuse I endured from my family, being told I was worthless and would never amount to anything has reverberated in my head my whole life and when I couldn't finish my degree. I began to drink to drown my sorrows, I stopped caring about myself and was looking for a way to end my misery. I stopped paying bills, I was evicted from a subsidized apartment, I bounced checks, I ignored my friends and avoided my children. It was a three year spiral to the bottom of life. I checked myself into the hospital when I started seriously consider suicide as an option. Until then I was just plain out of control. Recognizing that inner voice that repeats abusive garbage and finding a healthy alternative is the challenge I still struggle with. So Stick with the facts:
Defaulted Student Loan- Research options- I don't qualify for a loan consolidation - bad credit
disability it is assumed you will recover.
Ticket to Work
PASS www.ssa.gov/work
disability Offset of Loans- You must be totally and permanently disabled in order to have the loans forgiven.
(I pray that I am not totally disabled) - so give up this notion, it isn't an option.
Goal for the week contact Rehab services.
"ATTA GIRL"