Tomorrow I am leaving Kansas on a Journey back to Michigan, I am feeling very melancholy. I do not want to go back to Michigan I don't feel like I should be going there yet. Where I should be is the golden question. Yesterday was Fathers Day my son called to wish me a Happy Fathers Day I was his Father and Mother as he grew up. His genetic Father as I explained earlier was an alcoholic and didn't want to be a part of his life until he was dying of cancer. I had to be both roles a father and mother to my kids, I can't even pretend to think I possibly filled the shoes of the male role. I preferred the physical rigors of outdoor work and instilled those values in my son. My past abuse issues made it so the discipline was the hardest part for me, I abhor violence of any kind. You know that old saying "Boys will be boys" some people told me I would make a woos out of my son by not allowing him to kick the crap out of people who angered him. Of course when I wasn't around he got into fisticuffs with school mates but I would always tell him to look for a better solution. Physical violence never solves anything. He helped his sister when she was about 12 years old prepare for a fight. It seems as there was a bully girl at school and she just wouldn't leave my daughter alone, knowing how I felt she didn't come to me about it but went to her brother for advice. Since the kids were normal they had done their fair share of scrapping as they grew, and her big brother knew her weaknesses. After the fight was over my daughter found that the fight did not solve anything, but she garnered support with her peers and the girl was no longer a threat she didn't look as tough anymore persay.
It was that year that they realized that I wasn't so far off about the issue and when Fathers Day came around they gave me a card and said Happy Fathers Day. When I called my father yesterday he was too busy to talk to me, he had to glue a chair? I so wish I had a relationship with a man that was healthy, someone to share those moments in my children's life when only a male perspective seems to fit. Oh well, Happy Fathers Day, Dad.
Monday, June 21, 2004
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Lap 1
In a couple days I am going to complete a lap around the USA, Having traveled for four months in chronic pain has been a challenge and some say I am courageous. I don't feel courageous, and I feel just as lost as when I set out in February. I have no home, I have no monetary assets, and really no future. I'll eek out a future but it's so hard to plan for the future when you can't let go of the past. Every time I think I have made progress something else comes in to recreate the victim. I have been the victim for so long, I want to stop the cycle but I'm just not sure how.
I feel like I should isolate myself from the world sometimes so that I can't create more pain for myself. I create my crisis, I make myself the victim. They say that accepting responsibility for your own actions is a good first step, so whats the second step? Change the thought pattern, accept that things are not as they seem, and the perception of the responsibility you hold may be skewed. Even if I isolated myself from the world I would still create chaos. Dang, I hate this disorder!
Anyway I'll be back in Michigan for the summer to see my kids and become a Grandma so til next time....Peace
I feel like I should isolate myself from the world sometimes so that I can't create more pain for myself. I create my crisis, I make myself the victim. They say that accepting responsibility for your own actions is a good first step, so whats the second step? Change the thought pattern, accept that things are not as they seem, and the perception of the responsibility you hold may be skewed. Even if I isolated myself from the world I would still create chaos. Dang, I hate this disorder!
Anyway I'll be back in Michigan for the summer to see my kids and become a Grandma so til next time....Peace
Monday, June 07, 2004
Arrested Development
Well this is hard to admit to I thought I had it figured out. I rented the trailer then called the Electric Company to have the Utilities put in my name..."150 dollar deposit, and we can turn that on for you mame" "Oh your a first time user here it will cost you 40 dollars to have it hooked up."
I had enough for rent not for all that...I immediately told the landlord and he refunded my money as he didn't want me to rent it if I didn't have utilities. Apparently it gets real hot here even in the shade. So I am going to visit my friend Ron in Kansas then I guess I'll go back to Michigan.
The good news is what I recently learned about childhood trauma. It is a theory that when a child suffers a traumatic event whatever coping skills they already have are the ones they rely on, even as adults. That's not to say I had good coping skills because I didn't. My coping skill was being passive aggressive. Like the chocolate chip cookies, by gosh if I was going to be beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies I sure as heck was going to eat them. I went out of my way to do things my father told me I couldn't do. Like skipping school he told us that we better not skip, I did it all the time not for smoking purposes or drinking I really had no clue as to what kids did when they skipped. I went to the West Main Mall and played foosball (table hockey). I played against professional players and they taught me to make bank shots I could play both offense and defense and even played in a couple of 100,000 dollar tournaments.
Then as a young adult I still tried to anger my father, I hung out with people who did drugs even trying some myself. Started smoking, figured out what sex was and made up for lost time. It wasn't really lost time I felt that way I was sweet 18 and got my first kiss on the Sacramento River in California. I worked in strip clubs, and even danced for a while. I wrestled in Jello and Chocolate pudding, losing my title in Hot oil. Ah, I'm straying from the point. I don't believe I made a conscience decision rather it was the coping skill which set me up for skewed thinking.
Later I had some extremely strange passive aggressive moments. There was a fellow I knew who kept asking me if he could borrow my truck. It seemed as though whenever he took the truck it would come back to me missing a fender or low on fluids or empty of gas. I couldn't seem to garner enough strength to tell him no, instead I came across a spray paint can and embellished on both sides of my truck "Michelle's Caddy". My son had given me Cadillac hubcaps for my birthday as a gag gift. Now you know that guy wouldn't go anywhere near my truck anymore. LOL
I also sent a funeral bouquet of flowers to a friend or rather an exfriend after he wouldn't talk to me for a month. With a card that simply said " My condolences on the recent death of a friendship" The problem was I sent black roses and I sent him the flowers at his job.
I recognized this as passive aggressive, albeit somewhat funny but not really, I hurt myself by not learning better coping mechanisms. My passive aggressive tendencies didn't affect my relationship with woman in quite the same manner, I was just passive.
It will be interesting to learn more about what coping mechanisms I use and which ones need attention.
I had enough for rent not for all that...I immediately told the landlord and he refunded my money as he didn't want me to rent it if I didn't have utilities. Apparently it gets real hot here even in the shade. So I am going to visit my friend Ron in Kansas then I guess I'll go back to Michigan.
The good news is what I recently learned about childhood trauma. It is a theory that when a child suffers a traumatic event whatever coping skills they already have are the ones they rely on, even as adults. That's not to say I had good coping skills because I didn't. My coping skill was being passive aggressive. Like the chocolate chip cookies, by gosh if I was going to be beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies I sure as heck was going to eat them. I went out of my way to do things my father told me I couldn't do. Like skipping school he told us that we better not skip, I did it all the time not for smoking purposes or drinking I really had no clue as to what kids did when they skipped. I went to the West Main Mall and played foosball (table hockey). I played against professional players and they taught me to make bank shots I could play both offense and defense and even played in a couple of 100,000 dollar tournaments.
Then as a young adult I still tried to anger my father, I hung out with people who did drugs even trying some myself. Started smoking, figured out what sex was and made up for lost time. It wasn't really lost time I felt that way I was sweet 18 and got my first kiss on the Sacramento River in California. I worked in strip clubs, and even danced for a while. I wrestled in Jello and Chocolate pudding, losing my title in Hot oil. Ah, I'm straying from the point. I don't believe I made a conscience decision rather it was the coping skill which set me up for skewed thinking.
Later I had some extremely strange passive aggressive moments. There was a fellow I knew who kept asking me if he could borrow my truck. It seemed as though whenever he took the truck it would come back to me missing a fender or low on fluids or empty of gas. I couldn't seem to garner enough strength to tell him no, instead I came across a spray paint can and embellished on both sides of my truck "Michelle's Caddy". My son had given me Cadillac hubcaps for my birthday as a gag gift. Now you know that guy wouldn't go anywhere near my truck anymore. LOL
I also sent a funeral bouquet of flowers to a friend or rather an exfriend after he wouldn't talk to me for a month. With a card that simply said " My condolences on the recent death of a friendship" The problem was I sent black roses and I sent him the flowers at his job.
I recognized this as passive aggressive, albeit somewhat funny but not really, I hurt myself by not learning better coping mechanisms. My passive aggressive tendencies didn't affect my relationship with woman in quite the same manner, I was just passive.
It will be interesting to learn more about what coping mechanisms I use and which ones need attention.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Good News!
Hi Friends,
Thanks for the prayers they did marvelous things. I found an apartment. Well rather a studio apartment, very small but a place to reside. It's not too far from Dothan and I can afford it. I don't have a computor there, and it's a little too far to walk. So when I come to town I'll try and come here to the library and give you all an update. For now I have a doctor and a theripist, and we will see how it goes. So for now, know that I am ok, and that I have the best part of my Journey coming soon. I'll be working very hard on stopping the negative self talk, and looking for ways to see myself more clearly. Again Thank You all and God Bless. Love Shell
Thanks for the prayers they did marvelous things. I found an apartment. Well rather a studio apartment, very small but a place to reside. It's not too far from Dothan and I can afford it. I don't have a computor there, and it's a little too far to walk. So when I come to town I'll try and come here to the library and give you all an update. For now I have a doctor and a theripist, and we will see how it goes. So for now, know that I am ok, and that I have the best part of my Journey coming soon. I'll be working very hard on stopping the negative self talk, and looking for ways to see myself more clearly. Again Thank You all and God Bless. Love Shell
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