Well this is hard to admit to I thought I had it figured out. I rented the trailer then called the Electric Company to have the Utilities put in my name..."150 dollar deposit, and we can turn that on for you mame" "Oh your a first time user here it will cost you 40 dollars to have it hooked up."
I had enough for rent not for all that...I immediately told the landlord and he refunded my money as he didn't want me to rent it if I didn't have utilities. Apparently it gets real hot here even in the shade. So I am going to visit my friend Ron in Kansas then I guess I'll go back to Michigan.
The good news is what I recently learned about childhood trauma. It is a theory that when a child suffers a traumatic event whatever coping skills they already have are the ones they rely on, even as adults. That's not to say I had good coping skills because I didn't. My coping skill was being passive aggressive. Like the chocolate chip cookies, by gosh if I was going to be beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies I sure as heck was going to eat them. I went out of my way to do things my father told me I couldn't do. Like skipping school he told us that we better not skip, I did it all the time not for smoking purposes or drinking I really had no clue as to what kids did when they skipped. I went to the West Main Mall and played foosball (table hockey). I played against professional players and they taught me to make bank shots I could play both offense and defense and even played in a couple of 100,000 dollar tournaments.
Then as a young adult I still tried to anger my father, I hung out with people who did drugs even trying some myself. Started smoking, figured out what sex was and made up for lost time. It wasn't really lost time I felt that way I was sweet 18 and got my first kiss on the Sacramento River in California. I worked in strip clubs, and even danced for a while. I wrestled in Jello and Chocolate pudding, losing my title in Hot oil. Ah, I'm straying from the point. I don't believe I made a conscience decision rather it was the coping skill which set me up for skewed thinking.
Later I had some extremely strange passive aggressive moments. There was a fellow I knew who kept asking me if he could borrow my truck. It seemed as though whenever he took the truck it would come back to me missing a fender or low on fluids or empty of gas. I couldn't seem to garner enough strength to tell him no, instead I came across a spray paint can and embellished on both sides of my truck "Michelle's Caddy". My son had given me Cadillac hubcaps for my birthday as a gag gift. Now you know that guy wouldn't go anywhere near my truck anymore. LOL
I also sent a funeral bouquet of flowers to a friend or rather an exfriend after he wouldn't talk to me for a month. With a card that simply said " My condolences on the recent death of a friendship" The problem was I sent black roses and I sent him the flowers at his job.
I recognized this as passive aggressive, albeit somewhat funny but not really, I hurt myself by not learning better coping mechanisms. My passive aggressive tendencies didn't affect my relationship with woman in quite the same manner, I was just passive.
It will be interesting to learn more about what coping mechanisms I use and which ones need attention.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Oh Man this is hard...I want to be like other people who can have a conversation about important issues. My coping mechanism for confrontation is avoidance. It isn't fair to the people who are on the recieving end, I recently had to figure out another way of confronting someone I care for deeply. He was blindsided as I couldn't say it to him and had to write it.
It isn't fair to me to not deal with things that are so important.
When in a confrontation my mind goes blank I can't think of anything to say. If I do it comes out all wrong I end up crying and not making any sense even to myself. I guess writing it this time was better than not saying anything and pretending that everything is hunky dory...
Post a Comment