Hi friends, sent to mail 7/21
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have a tendency to put other people first, I worry about what they are doing and I sometimes forget that I should be worried about where I am going. I have been working hard at trying to keep things in perspective in my own world. Which is why I am writing today. My daughter is an angel, who God put in my life, she has been an example to live by. She is working at a Christian camp called Springhill 44* in Michigan. It has occurred to me that I love kids and they seem attracted to me, I mean I have never met a kid who didn't like me. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching them in whatever situation presents itself. I think due to my disabilities the disc fusion and arthritis I would have a hard time in a traditional job. Plus my PTSD which I am learning about all the time, but I am in no way cured. I need more time to heal from all the wounds, I still have flashbacks to instances of abuse, and I still am my own worst abuser. I also know I can't survive on the limited income of SSI it's supposed to supplement income but I don't have any other. I am writing a resume and will be submitting it to the camp in the hopes that I can work with little kids, we can grow in our spiritual lives together. I have a hard time sometimes with my faith and letting god handle my problems. Children have such a unique view and I think we can grow with one another.
When I am busy I don't have the time to think about the past. So get busy! ATTA Girl
It’s easier to see the connections to a poor coping mechanisms. Not so easy to impliment new ones. Next step is a baby step, but I’m not sure which way it’s going.
I can’t stand confrontation…I can’t think about anything but where and what the persons hands are doing…and a raised voice frightens me. I become paralized with fear. Occasionally I will pass this edge of my comfort zone and raise my voice, my response never matches what I would have liked to have said. I would prefer to walk away and compose myself and if necessary write it down. Than say something – 1. I can’t take back (spewed in anger), and 2. I don’t want to lose sight of what caused the potential confrontation, because I wan’t to avoid another one. I can run away from confrontations or I can choose to not get into them. How about understanding where the reaction comes from, yep you guessed it abuse.. Ok I have identifyed the problem.
Recently I avoided a confrontation it cost me a friendship of sorts. Granted the friendship was a combination of two worlds. The old Michelle and the learning one of present day. That included the past patterns that I developed in regards to unhealthy relationships. Confrontations are at least from my perspective unhealthy. In a healthy relationship two people can communicate as equals. I think if given an equal platform a disagreement wouldn’t have to escalate to a confrontation.
So now I have taken responsibility for the past patterns, and identified a solution. Surround myself with healthy people who can communicate in a non threatening way. When a confrontaion does arrise, don’t feel bad because I chose to walk away, it’s ok. I haven’t compromised myself. I grew up with unhealthy confrontations and as an adult I choose to give my self permission to walk away.
Retelling of the story has made it easier to say…
You know you have to say it to believe it…
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Shells Photo Album
sent to mail 7/29
Hi, Its me and one of my cake decorating masterpieces, a five tier butterfly garden.
Posted by Hello
Hi, Its me and one of my cake decorating masterpieces, a five tier butterfly garden.
Posted by Hello
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Music is in my Soul
sent to mail 7/29
The first friend who introduced me to my life of a music lover was a fellow named Kevin. I haven’t seen him since 1977. He played the bass, could handle himself on a drum set and he played rhythm guitar. He also gave me my first kiss, on the banks of the Sacromento River, I so love the river. He was way too young for me being 2 years my junior and me being 4000 miles away from home. It just didn’t seem right, we had a lot of fun together but he was in love with his high school sweetheart, I didn’t have a prayer at a relationship. He took me to his band practice and showed me how to use the sound board. They were totally Garage band, but at times could pull out to a really great sound. He also spoiled me as I would prefer a bass played with fingers instead of picked. There is just so much more sound to a finger play….I discovered that the popular music here in Michigan was on a two month or so delay. Bob Seger (Yes, Detroit Michigan Native), Pablo Cruise, Boz Scaggs, Daryll Hall and John Oates, Earth Wind and Fire, Heart, Nazareth geesh the list goes on and on…when I got back here these already my favorite songs were just being played after I had already been home 2 months. Went to San Franciso in a banana yellow VW bug, with the best 8 track money could buy. Turned it off and listened to the radio instead. I can still remember how free I felt...
I went to Wing's Stadium in Kalamazoo to see an outdoor concert, one of the guys I worked with was playing. When I got there they were having some difficulty setting up as they were running late. I pitched in and helped, with the experiences I had in California it was easy for me to help instead of be in the way. I liked the sound they had, my friend, ironically named Kevin t too played the keyboards. He had a Hammond organ with a seperate leslie cabinet. I eventually became their roady as I could go to the bars with them and feel safe. I helped load in and out and occasionally run the sound or lights.
cont...
The first friend who introduced me to my life of a music lover was a fellow named Kevin. I haven’t seen him since 1977. He played the bass, could handle himself on a drum set and he played rhythm guitar. He also gave me my first kiss, on the banks of the Sacromento River, I so love the river. He was way too young for me being 2 years my junior and me being 4000 miles away from home. It just didn’t seem right, we had a lot of fun together but he was in love with his high school sweetheart, I didn’t have a prayer at a relationship. He took me to his band practice and showed me how to use the sound board. They were totally Garage band, but at times could pull out to a really great sound. He also spoiled me as I would prefer a bass played with fingers instead of picked. There is just so much more sound to a finger play….I discovered that the popular music here in Michigan was on a two month or so delay. Bob Seger (Yes, Detroit Michigan Native), Pablo Cruise, Boz Scaggs, Daryll Hall and John Oates, Earth Wind and Fire, Heart, Nazareth geesh the list goes on and on…when I got back here these already my favorite songs were just being played after I had already been home 2 months. Went to San Franciso in a banana yellow VW bug, with the best 8 track money could buy. Turned it off and listened to the radio instead. I can still remember how free I felt...
I went to Wing's Stadium in Kalamazoo to see an outdoor concert, one of the guys I worked with was playing. When I got there they were having some difficulty setting up as they were running late. I pitched in and helped, with the experiences I had in California it was easy for me to help instead of be in the way. I liked the sound they had, my friend, ironically named Kevin t too played the keyboards. He had a Hammond organ with a seperate leslie cabinet. I eventually became their roady as I could go to the bars with them and feel safe. I helped load in and out and occasionally run the sound or lights.
cont...
Saturday, July 10, 2004
WHOA!!!!
Hi Friends, sent to mail 7/21
I titled this piece "whoa" because I need to regroup, chaos is threatening, or should I say looming. I traveled a lot of miles in the last few months. Some of the mental miles (If you have PTSD then you know what I mean) didn't feel as tiring as the mental mileage I've gotten since being back here. I have been bombarded with some pretty heavy emotional burdens. I came back on the train at 7:30pm after having ridden the train for 12 hours. I was met at the station by my son and future daughter in-law and her 3 children 18 month old twins and a 4 year old. I am already Grandma to these kids and she is pregnant due in late August or Early September, with my sons child. I was tired and visited with them for a short time, at my friends house.
The next day they announced that my son had to go out of town for work and they were homeless. Well I couldn't have asked my friend if they could stay there? So I went with my daughter in=law to my parents house borrowed 50 bucks and took her out to Lake Michigan for what I assumed would be for a week. So, now I accepted responsibility for my sons problems and I have to figure out how to give it back. My daughter surprised us all with a visit, she has been working at a Christian Camp for the summer to help with her college.
She also knows that I'm gullible, and can become the victim easily.
Now don't let me kid ya here she loves Lake Michigan as much or more than I do. She was concerned about me before I even took my daughter in-law out there. I so hope I'm not holding her back with this disorder and my constant battles. Well anyway I struggled camping this time, which is something that seems impossible, at least for me. I love to camp and I'm quite calm and mellow given the right circumstances. I used to camp with both of my kids and have lots of fond memories. This time was horrible I felt like I was being tossed into a situation I couldn't control nor accept. Neither my son or his girlfriend have enough patience to be parents to 4 children. They seem to yell at the kids 24/7, and neither one wanted to chase them either. I tried to take them on walks as far as I could go, they are so cute and say some pretty funny stuff. I cannot pick them up because of my disc fusion, so when they bumped their shins or skinned their knees, we stopped and I comforted them and then we limped back to camp.
I was allowed less and less time with the kids and if I said anything to them for misbehaving I was undermining their Mother. I decided that I couldn't stay because I want to be grandma and if I can save them from being yelled at for a couple hours that's all I wanted. It just made her mad, which in turn made my son angry because she wouldn't talk to me but made him play the middle. I told my daughter that I was leaving which is when she told me that my son had lost everything I had left in his care. All the keepsakes I had saved for the kids, her awards and certificates, her diploma etc. etc, all gone. I had known about it and assumed that he had told her before then.
So now the emotions are really flying I told my son I was ready to leave and he informed me that he wasn't taking me back to Kalamazoo until the next day.
I was so frustrated and angry and confused I wanted out of my haven, the haven that turned into a nightmare. I grabbed the suitcases I have dragged from one side of the country to the other and tried to walk the 45 minute drive. I made it to the telephone before reason kicked in, and I decided to make some phone calls. I ended up sleeping on the beach until a thunderstorm came in then I slept on a picnic table in the pavilion. I avoided any direct confrontation with the kids and left not saying the things I probably needed to. I would rather leave it open than say something I might regret later.
So now I am trying to take care of my daughters college paper work it seems as we are 4000 short for her school this year. It has to be a paper glitch I just hope it isn't my glitch.
Oh I almost forgot! Not really I can't forget it like I can't forget all the things my Dad said when I was a kid. When I went to borrow the money he had to remind me that my son being homeless is not surprising because wasn't I in the same situation?
Well by golly he is right I am homeless and wandering around the country like a damned gypsy....
I titled this piece "whoa" because I need to regroup, chaos is threatening, or should I say looming. I traveled a lot of miles in the last few months. Some of the mental miles (If you have PTSD then you know what I mean) didn't feel as tiring as the mental mileage I've gotten since being back here. I have been bombarded with some pretty heavy emotional burdens. I came back on the train at 7:30pm after having ridden the train for 12 hours. I was met at the station by my son and future daughter in-law and her 3 children 18 month old twins and a 4 year old. I am already Grandma to these kids and she is pregnant due in late August or Early September, with my sons child. I was tired and visited with them for a short time, at my friends house.
The next day they announced that my son had to go out of town for work and they were homeless. Well I couldn't have asked my friend if they could stay there? So I went with my daughter in=law to my parents house borrowed 50 bucks and took her out to Lake Michigan for what I assumed would be for a week. So, now I accepted responsibility for my sons problems and I have to figure out how to give it back. My daughter surprised us all with a visit, she has been working at a Christian Camp for the summer to help with her college.
She also knows that I'm gullible, and can become the victim easily.
Now don't let me kid ya here she loves Lake Michigan as much or more than I do. She was concerned about me before I even took my daughter in-law out there. I so hope I'm not holding her back with this disorder and my constant battles. Well anyway I struggled camping this time, which is something that seems impossible, at least for me. I love to camp and I'm quite calm and mellow given the right circumstances. I used to camp with both of my kids and have lots of fond memories. This time was horrible I felt like I was being tossed into a situation I couldn't control nor accept. Neither my son or his girlfriend have enough patience to be parents to 4 children. They seem to yell at the kids 24/7, and neither one wanted to chase them either. I tried to take them on walks as far as I could go, they are so cute and say some pretty funny stuff. I cannot pick them up because of my disc fusion, so when they bumped their shins or skinned their knees, we stopped and I comforted them and then we limped back to camp.
I was allowed less and less time with the kids and if I said anything to them for misbehaving I was undermining their Mother. I decided that I couldn't stay because I want to be grandma and if I can save them from being yelled at for a couple hours that's all I wanted. It just made her mad, which in turn made my son angry because she wouldn't talk to me but made him play the middle. I told my daughter that I was leaving which is when she told me that my son had lost everything I had left in his care. All the keepsakes I had saved for the kids, her awards and certificates, her diploma etc. etc, all gone. I had known about it and assumed that he had told her before then.
So now the emotions are really flying I told my son I was ready to leave and he informed me that he wasn't taking me back to Kalamazoo until the next day.
I was so frustrated and angry and confused I wanted out of my haven, the haven that turned into a nightmare. I grabbed the suitcases I have dragged from one side of the country to the other and tried to walk the 45 minute drive. I made it to the telephone before reason kicked in, and I decided to make some phone calls. I ended up sleeping on the beach until a thunderstorm came in then I slept on a picnic table in the pavilion. I avoided any direct confrontation with the kids and left not saying the things I probably needed to. I would rather leave it open than say something I might regret later.
So now I am trying to take care of my daughters college paper work it seems as we are 4000 short for her school this year. It has to be a paper glitch I just hope it isn't my glitch.
Oh I almost forgot! Not really I can't forget it like I can't forget all the things my Dad said when I was a kid. When I went to borrow the money he had to remind me that my son being homeless is not surprising because wasn't I in the same situation?
Well by golly he is right I am homeless and wandering around the country like a damned gypsy....
Monday, July 05, 2004
The Fourth of July
Hi Friends,
Still alive, I am currently camping on Lake Michigan with my 23 year old son and future daughter in-law her three children a 4 year old and 18 month old twins. She is now 5 months pregnant. If you have been with me throughout this journey than you already know the kids are the reason I went on the traveling portion of my Journey. They (both son and daughter in law) do not have the patience I always had for the kids and the things kids do, like picking up rocks and sticking them in their mouths it's just something kids do. Instead of redirecting them they immediately get a spanking and a time out. It has made for some miserable camping, so I am not staying with them I am going to go back to Kalamazoo for a minute then up to Big Rapids to help my daughter with her financial aid for college. I also plan on taking a canoe trip even if I have to go alone. I think I need some more alone time. While in Kansas I succeeded in pissing off a dear friend. Well sorry this is so short and brief I new that some of you would worry not having heard from me. So until the next time Happy 4th of July and safe vacationing.
Still alive, I am currently camping on Lake Michigan with my 23 year old son and future daughter in-law her three children a 4 year old and 18 month old twins. She is now 5 months pregnant. If you have been with me throughout this journey than you already know the kids are the reason I went on the traveling portion of my Journey. They (both son and daughter in law) do not have the patience I always had for the kids and the things kids do, like picking up rocks and sticking them in their mouths it's just something kids do. Instead of redirecting them they immediately get a spanking and a time out. It has made for some miserable camping, so I am not staying with them I am going to go back to Kalamazoo for a minute then up to Big Rapids to help my daughter with her financial aid for college. I also plan on taking a canoe trip even if I have to go alone. I think I need some more alone time. While in Kansas I succeeded in pissing off a dear friend. Well sorry this is so short and brief I new that some of you would worry not having heard from me. So until the next time Happy 4th of July and safe vacationing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)