New Plans

Hi friends, sent to mail 7/21

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have a tendency to put other people first, I worry about what they are doing and I sometimes forget that I should be worried about where I am going. I have been working hard at trying to keep things in perspective in my own world. Which is why I am writing today. My daughter is an angel, who God put in my life, she has been an example to live by. She is working at a Christian camp called Springhill 44* in Michigan. It has occurred to me that I love kids and they seem attracted to me, I mean I have never met a kid who didn't like me. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching them in whatever situation presents itself. I think due to my disabilities the disc fusion and arthritis I would have a hard time in a traditional job. Plus my PTSD which I am learning about all the time, but I am in no way cured. I need more time to heal from all the wounds, I still have flashbacks to instances of abuse, and I still am my own worst abuser. I also know I can't survive on the limited income of SSI it's supposed to supplement income but I don't have any other. I am writing a resume and will be submitting it to the camp in the hopes that I can work with little kids, we can grow in our spiritual lives together. I have a hard time sometimes with my faith and letting god handle my problems. Children have such a unique view and I think we can grow with one another.
When I am busy I don't have the time to think about the past. So get busy! ATTA Girl


It’s easier to see the connections to a poor coping mechanisms. Not so easy to impliment new ones. Next step is a baby step, but I’m not sure which way it’s going.


I can’t stand confrontation…I can’t think about anything but where and what the persons hands are doing…and a raised voice frightens me. I become paralized with fear. Occasionally I will pass this edge of my comfort zone and raise my voice, my response never matches what I would have liked to have said. I would prefer to walk away and compose myself and if necessary write it down. Than say something – 1. I can’t take back (spewed in anger), and 2. I don’t want to lose sight of what caused the potential confrontation, because I wan’t to avoid another one. I can run away from confrontations or I can choose to not get into them. How about understanding where the reaction comes from, yep you guessed it abuse.. Ok I have identifyed the problem.
Recently I avoided a confrontation it cost me a friendship of sorts. Granted the friendship was a combination of two worlds. The old Michelle and the learning one of present day. That included the past patterns that I developed in regards to unhealthy relationships. Confrontations are at least from my perspective unhealthy. In a healthy relationship two people can communicate as equals. I think if given an equal platform a disagreement wouldn’t have to escalate to a confrontation.
So now I have taken responsibility for the past patterns, and identified a solution. Surround myself with healthy people who can communicate in a non threatening way. When a confrontaion does arrise, don’t feel bad because I chose to walk away, it’s ok. I haven’t compromised myself. I grew up with unhealthy confrontations and as an adult I choose to give my self permission to walk away.

Retelling of the story has made it easier to say…
You know you have to say it to believe it…