It's been a while

Hi Friends,

I know I haven't posted in a while, I apologize. I have been very comfortable here at my friends and have dealt with a lot of emotional stuff. I also visited with some of my friends. My daughter is all set for college, other than moving into the dorm. My sons baby is due any day, and I'm ready for the second leg of my Journey. Taking baby steps and reading, I am going to be fine. I'll be absent for a bit, please keep me in your prayers.

Flying Fretless

Ever she flies past lifes open flames

like the wind swift and true

she soars over mountains

just hoping to catch the view

the light of steel blue casts glitter to her wing

the music guides her

straight and true

onward and upward

to the heavens she soars

she's got the mood

she's in the groove

can't touch down

or stay around

if you see her say good bye

she's flyin past lifes open flames

on her way to catch the view...

Michelle Hazard 5/11/03

I am planning on starting a new feature to my blogger, I have a few friends who can write creatively and I would like to get back into it maybe write a collaberative effort...Watch for it...Love Shell

Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer

Sunday. July 7 2004 Sent to mail...8/21

“You have to say it to believe it” + me = recovery

I began this week by reading from a book a friend gave me, since I began my Journey with a book and I was reminded to seek clarity. I even stayed in a mission , and attended services and read from the bible. Heard a number of speakers come, who seemed to speak to me, and friends and aquaintences have each given me some sort of reading material. So I am not surprised that my friend gave me this one, I think I am ready to heal. The title is “Beauty For Ashes” by Joyce Meyer (link)
I havent gotten very far into the book I am on page 49…but the topic is “ receiving emotional healing” I can now identify things that make up the disorder at least in my case. I catch myself all the time being my own worst abuser I have to fix that part of me by: “receiving emotional healing” In the book she descibes her life so far as one which mirrors me, but for a few minor exceptions. She describes my inability to love because I don’t know what it is…She describes my guilt and shame….and again I am only on page 49 because I am amazed that I am not alone, there is someone else in this world who is on the road to recovery. Through Jesus “ all things are possible”. (quote)


I am in a panic mode, so I need to calm down.
I don’t have to run off to the beach , but I can go if I choose to go there.
I can stay here because I am house sitting for a friend when she leaves on vacation next week
Kid is ready for college
Other ones in the oven
Overqualified for a position at a Christian Camp, but underqualified for sharing the true
love of Jesus.
I don’t have to keep doing stuff I shouldn’t be, like moving around a bunch of too heavy boxes. It just isn’t worth the additional pain…I have a high pain tolerance and currently taking Ultram only when I can’t stand or sit….which is far too long to wait….I need to boost my metabolism. And I am off Prozac. I weined myself off them over a month as I currently have the wrong states medicaid.
I am processing options all the way through, considering the consequences.
Atta Girl

I am a Survivor

sent to mail 7/21

I can't do this...I can't pretend to be friends...By pretend I mean that you see no hope for a future...Where my hope is justing becoming true...We spoke (typed) about our fellow hope...and also said I am raw..my heart is bleeding it's been so wrapped up in barbed wire that I thought I might bleed to death...I can see myself changing for the better, accepting me for who I turned out to be...When I started my Journey I didn't know who I was, these last few months have turned out to be very enlightening. I discovered that I didn't want to pretend that hope of loving someone who couldn't love me back wasn't hurting me. It's difficult to keep that feeling of desperate hope alive, in a healthy fashion. I like that part of me who can find hope in even the most hopeless conditions, of which I have endured many. I am a survivor in it's truist form.
Yet I don't have to accept something in my life that hurts me, I can turn my scars into stars and fill the sky....