It's been a while ...

I'm still journeying along obviously not Journaling lol I lost access to the blog for a while and found the log in ,in my mail...so here I am 3 new grandkids and the oldest grands starting to have babies themselves. My health sucks and I continue the journey of self sabotage why? I have no idea...

2012

Well yikes its been forever since I postedand of course way more has happened let me see if I can remember...

2024

Say what, I do have access to my blog.! In cleaning out my email boom here's the link:) Yay

Almost 3 years later.. Still working on me.. Figured out I do a lot of fear based thinking. I also have survivor instincts which swim around the fear based thinking.. the problem is there is a very short leash from fear based thinking to fight or flight. True the rats of a couple years ago was indeed a get the heck out of here kind of moment.. but I am proud that I was able to slow down enough to know it..While I still flew by the seat of my pants in the move.. staying in a shelter until I found a place.. that's what they are for.. I am not afraid to ask for what I need in the physical realm... that is... emotionally I'm still in the normal fight or flight thing.. .. I kicked a 20 year friend to the curb.. I just can't be around men.. they don't get it ... I am worth more than a one night stand or being played like a violin. Still not able to see my grand kids.. she hasn't even let their dad see them in almost a year.. and he still struggles to find his niche in the world..he doesn't have the money to fight for them..*sigh I guess.. this PTSD is just going to be a part of the rest of my life just like is was .. I cant imagine ever knowing life without it..

*Sigh

This blog got really long.. of course now it's 2010 September of 2008 was a lifetime ago as far as my disorder goes... the rats set me up for a slide into depression followed by pneumonia and COPD and congestive heart failure that I didn't have but that's what site diagnosis does so well it pigeon holes me all the time..

I became a recluse completely isolating myself after I struggled to get ready to exercise my way back to health..only to be triggered and completely shut down.
After becoming suicidal again last spring I spent the summer trying to make my way out of the city to a smaller town and less drama.. so here I go again.. trying to stand back up I know I can its just a lot of hard work.

July August and September

Wow three months just flew by didn't they? But as I was living it it was painfully slow and hard to make it through them. Today I turned 50 years old and I didn't think I would be this um whats the word.... goofy lol yeah I feel goofy I usually spend my birthdays as just another day, and I'm sure that in retrospect it will just be another day on this journey.
I talked to KK an online friend a little while ago, who wished me a big fuck yer day which is burner speak for Love ya have a great day... and we talked about being 50 which is just around the corner for him...
Then my daughter called a few minutes later, she needed her mommy, which was the best present I could have gotten today, just knowing that she needs me was an incredible relief.
I'm sure I will hear from more people today and life goes on...

OK so for the rest of the update
I'm not in therapy I'm not on medications
I am depressed

My grand kids are still going through drama at a pretty fast pace, my son got out of jail still has a PPO listed so he wasn't able to go to the house to visit the kids, but finally persuaded the mom to let him visit at the park. Then she put him back on daycare and doctor contacts, only to be told that he was being investigated by CPS for abuse to the oldest girl.. which was total bull.. so he hasn't been able to see the kids for a little over a month.. she very rarely lets me talk to them on the phone and wont let me have them here at all.. which was just as well since I had rats in my apartment...
Icky and gross and scary... I couldn't sleep in my apartment I didn't feel like they were acting fast enough.. submitted a complaint with the owners, and was moved into a small room for sleeping... each time I needed to go into my apartment I would feel sick, I was separated from my belongings and couldn't enjoy life at all. I wanted to run I didn't care where just away from here.. I need help with my rent which I get here in the form of a rent voucher from MSHDA but apparently I cant take this voucher anywhere.. its all very confusing... so anyway I've moved into a unit on the second floor its a cute apartment with a ton more light coming in, so if I can get past the thoughts of the rats... I should be OK..
There is still a longing to move closer to my grand babies but also the fear of being too close to the drama that surrounds them...
All this stuff has brought up my inadequate coping skills to the PTSD and with the Grand Valley Nursing students help we have come up with an experiment to help me make connections in my thought processes when under going an episode.
They made me a notebook and a scoring system to track what I'm thinking, feeling and reacting to. They are going to provide me with a relaxation box with things that will help me to calm my thoughts...With a reward system for making it worthwhile, not that I don't think its worthwhile.. it is!! See if I can make my brain process stuff correctly then eventually the triggers and reactions will become less intense and more manageable.
So for now.. that's about it.. Til next time Love and Peace Shell

June Update

Hello friends,

It's been a long month, mostly spent inside. I went on a canoe trip for memorial day.

I had a run in or rather a confrontation with the truth while there, I am too fat. Oh yeah that doctor told me years ago Im obese yeah its true... :(
My girlfriend and I attempted to ride together we chose the fat bottomed canoe thinking it would be more stable... instead I made it pop a wheelie and my friends stiffness at riding so high made us very tipsy.. we went over twice within a quarter of a mile.. I thought about sitting in the middle to balance the weight so we tried it.. and then I realized if the canoe tipped again I would be trapped under the bar, so we made the decision at the same time that we couldnt make it safely so we walked back up stream, telling two kayakers on the way to tell our friends downstream we turned back.

We went to camp and waited for them, it was nice to get outside but I really havent been outside much since.
Other than the visit with two of my grandkids, I went down and picked up the two of my sons a 3 yr old and a 2 year old and came back on the bus. It seems that my son and his girlfriend have now split up, I was pretty sure when she had him arrested that it was her way of taking him out of the picture for the next boyfriend to move in.. so my visit with the little ones will most likely be the last one for a while.

So what to do about it being summer and locking myself in this dark apartment.. I'm shutting off my internet and forcing myself to go back out in the world. It's the best thing I can do for myself. I'll have to go to coffee shops again to get online and maybe I'll get some excercise and start taking photographs again.. Til next time Peace and good health.. Shell

News n updates

Well beyond my helping to save 62sq feet of rainforest...
My youngest child will be graduating from college a week from today.. I'm very proud of her and a little proud of myself for struggling all those years. Finally a Mothers Day that will have a better connotation than ones past. Mothers Day was always a reminder of what my family and ex's felt.. that I was a failure. Obviously I wasn't, so from now on I can really feel and believe the truth I WAS and continue to be a good mother.
I did the best I could with a disorder called PTSD, not knowing what was driving the constant moves and irrational responses, caused the roller coaster ride that became my life.
The other news involves my youngest grandson who was hospitalized in the beginning of April as failure to thrive. My son had to fight the doctor to get him admitted as medicaid demands that lots of things get pushed away from expensive procedures. He weighed a mere 7lbs at three months old. He should have weighed nearly 15. When I found out I started looking online for causes of failure to thrive, knowing that in this case it wasn't neglect as I spoke to my son nearly everyday and heard his concerns about his weight. They took the baby to all of the doctor visits scheduled and were assured that the baby was fine and brushed off.
So finally my son said enough was enough and demanded that he be hospitalized, where tests were run and now confirmed that he has a chromosome error called Prader-Willi syndrome. So I'm trying to educate myself on the ramifications of this disorder and figure out how I cna help without becoming to entangled in the dysfunction that seems to surround my son and his family.
My sleeping has been off kilter since we had some security issues here as well as the oncoming spring tornado season.. I had a panic attack last friday when the alarms sounded as I knew there were storms in the area.. when the clerk at the paper store where my daughter was purchasing her resume specialty paper told her that I could relax that here they test them the first friday of the month.. really I think that they should reconsider testing them when there are storms in the area.. my daughter let me cry and release some of the tension but it just reminded me just how much this season effects me.. For now Im safe.. and I guess saving rainforsests :)

2008

(picture is of the card my daughter and I made this year)

Happy New Year


Well I made it through the holidays.. Yeah!!

lol

It wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be..

I have a new grandson.. born December 10th.. 6 total
I set up some new boundaries as far as my son and his family goes, I just need to remember that I am healthier when I'm not so stressed out.

Can't wait for spring is it here yet? lol

Taking a break from the deep stuff

From Otsego Marchi...

I found myself avoiding sleep, and first spoke with my therapist who thankfully has agreed to not go into any thing that makes me think about all the hard stuff.. so I'll be posting for a little while on my picture site. Today I uploaded two sets of my nieces videos of her Marching band performances(YouTube). As well as pictures of the band on Picasa I went to both of them this last weekend. The final one will be this coming weekend in Jenison which I plan on going to as well.

I don't want to know what makes me cry in my sleep

Last weekend I went to Otsego for my nieces Marching Band invitational. I stayed at my youngest sisters house and spoke to my oldest sibling for an awkward brief moment. She is adopting the second child from her foster care, siblings who will have a better life than what they were destined for had they stayed with thier drug addicted parents. We have a history I'm not quite sure how to explain it.. she was my mother for a couple of years after Mom died, as the oldest child she was always first in line for the beatings.. we have never discussed any of that.
When my son was three I went through a period of self loathing and got mixed up in a mess. I wasn't able to take care of my son in the way he deserved. So I asked my brother to keep him for a little while, so I could get my head back in the right place. After a week he decided he couldnt do it and asked my sister he she would. So I agreed to it signing a power of attorney for 6 months... and left town.. not knowing anyone who had access to drugs was exactly what I needed to work it out. Unfortunatly/fortunatly? just before I left I met my daughters Dad at a halloween party and we corresponded while I was away.
Nearing the third month I had been working and saving money and staying out of trouble started feeling better and had been planning for getting my son back when I got a notice that my sister had filed a petition with the courts to adopt my son. I had to quit my jobs (yes 2) and come back to fight my sister in court. I had to explain to the court officers why I left him in her care.
Well since My daughters dad had expressed interest I asked him if we could stay with him for a while which was how our relationship began. Since if I took him back without an adequate housing arrangment they would grant the petition.
I knew it wasn't a good way to start a relationship but I wanted to raise my son and the choice to get my shit together was a good one... but I didnt feel like I had any other option. Then my sister was mad at me for taking away her son... yes he was mine.. but she felt like I was a bad mother like the kids mother that she has now adopted.....
I'm glad she has the family she always wanted... but I had a hard time being happy for her.. I feel like I should be...

So then on Sunday before coming back to isolation we ventured to my Dads house for my stepmothers birthday. They weren't home so my nieces and I went for rides on the go cart. My parents farm was 12 acres so I took a trip out to my old isolation spot it was a group of pine trees.. of course the trees have grown and there isn't a spot to hide anymore... I don't want to hide...the whispers of the pines was gone...

So I haven't slept since last Sunday I came home and went to bed thinkinng I had a reletivly good weekend and woke three times crying.. I couldnt remember what I had been dreaming about and I guess it doesn't really matter.. I just dont want to sleep. I dont want to know what makes me cry in my sleep...