Get a grip!

This weekend I spent trying to disseminate the PTSD and the self bashing I did in my last entries. I am worth fighting for, I need to focus on what I can do for myself instead of trying to figure out the failures of a system.
This is what I discovered this past weekend, I hadn't even read the disability paperwork I was given back in 2001.
I often ignore things I can't deal with, thinking it will go away or by ignoring it, it isn't real. I didn't want to admit I was disabled back then and I still don't. I have some issues that are making it more difficult to make decisions for my future. I'm scared of making them but I'm willing to discuss it with some professionals.
I know I am not physically able to do the traditional jobs, like I have done in the past. I have difficulty standing or sitting for long periods. The pain I have in my lower back has the diagnosis of obesity, in other words my frame is complaining. What I can do about that, is watch what I eat, and find a swimming area so I can do water aerobics. The buoyancy of water will allow me to exercise without more pressure.
I have a weight restriction of 20 lbs. due to my neck fusion. I can't change that. I have chronic pain across my shoulders and around the back of my neck where the fusion is, it seems to be worse when I am under stress. What I can do is try to reduce the amount of stress or my reactions to stressers. Instead of being angry at the government for failing me I need to concentrate, on becoming self sufficient again.
I'm going to need rehabilitation services and legal representation. There has to be something I can make money at in this world. I need legal representation for my student loan problems.
I defaulted on my student loans after I broke my ankle and had to withdraw from classes in my final semester. I was on financial aid probation because my grades were barely passing, as a non traditional student raising two young children working full time and taking a full load at school. I felt like a failure the emotional abuse I endured from my family, being told I was worthless and would never amount to anything has reverberated in my head my whole life and when I couldn't finish my degree. I began to drink to drown my sorrows, I stopped caring about myself and was looking for a way to end my misery. I stopped paying bills, I was evicted from a subsidized apartment, I bounced checks, I ignored my friends and avoided my children. It was a three year spiral to the bottom of life. I checked myself into the hospital when I started seriously consider suicide as an option. Until then I was just plain out of control. Recognizing that inner voice that repeats abusive garbage and finding a healthy alternative is the challenge I still struggle with. So Stick with the facts:
Defaulted Student Loan- Research options- I don't qualify for a loan consolidation - bad credit
disability it is assumed you will recover.
Ticket to Work
PASS www.ssa.gov/work
disability Offset of Loans- You must be totally and permanently disabled in order to have the loans forgiven.
(I pray that I am not totally disabled) - so give up this notion, it isn't an option.
Goal for the week contact Rehab services.
"ATTA GIRL"

PTSD strikes again...

Today I had an appointment with yet another red tape slinger. My mood is despondant and very depressed. I was supposed to fall in the cattle feeding line for Federal Food Stamps. I know I won't get anymore here than I did in Michigan which was 20 dollars a month. Your herded like cattle into a large room with the other 50 applicants who were all given the same appointment time and forced to watch a video about not ripping off the government with false claims. I am in pain my neck is stiff and my pinky and ring finger are slightly numb and tingling (possible nerve impingment). I can't see any doctor until May as I cant afford the doctors visit, and my case is wrapped in Medicaid limbo. So I left the cattle line it just isn't worth it for me today to sit there, not when it's for 20 bucks and the cattle line doesn't end today. I would be grilled and sent out to garner proof of my miserable life. Checked and cross referenced and rechecked every three months to find ... I made or actually recieved from you the tax payers a whopping 6,624 dollars last year from which I had to feed cloth and shelter myself, and my then 17 year old daughter. She got slightly more than that with her child support, but she was also a senior in high school who deserved a high school prom and art supplies to further her career in graphic arts. Look at me trying to justify my meager existance... and feeling so bad it's a good thing I am going to see a counselor tommorrow and they go by my income so I won't have to pay a dime. Thanks America for supporting me.

Friday 16th of April

April Showers bring May Flowers...gosh I hope so!

Medicaid a federally funded program. I'm eligible but it really doesn't mean much, I'm just wasting the hard working friends and neighbors and family's money. The people who get out of bed every morning and go to work. They pay taxes on everything in their lives, from their homes to the groceries their families need, to the gas. I am a non functioning burden on America. After my being disabled and having to rely on the federal programs for basic necessities it has become harder and harder to justify to myself that I deserve the assistance. The world would be better off without me...

Does this sound like I am suicidal? Yes even to me, but I don't think I am... I am frustrated and feeling like a burden. But I think I am feeling anger too. I mean its not like I asked to be disabled, if I could turn the clock back and miss this portion of my life? What? I might be happier? No, the reality of my situation is that until I figure out how to cope with chronic pain and wade through the red tape of the government and/or find a physician who went into medicine for the right reasons (to help people) I'm lost.

I had Michigan Medicaid before embarking on this Journey, I fought with them to get the care I wanted, all I wanted was a chance at being treated holistically. Holistic medicine is a relatively new yet used in ancient civilizations and often misunderstood form of medicine. Due to the PTSD and having it for so many years, it is important to understand that my physical health is related to the mental disorder. The constant creation of stress and recreating trauma is something I cant control by myself I need help and a holistic physician treats the mind and body as one unit. Normal physicians don't, they treat only the physical manifestations. If you have insurance.

Due to my work history, I didn't even qualify for Social Security disability. I have worked in a number of different positions 72 or more jobs in my 27 year work history. I worked mostly physical jobs as a farm manager, greenhouse planter and transplanter, waterer, fertilizer, and sales clerk to harvester ie. Strawberries, blueberries, cherries, apples, pumpkins, squash etc. To sales clerks in a farm market. Bus Driver for the City of Kalamazoo to Public schools, and even a taxi driver. Waitress, line cook full menu, dishwasher, salad girl to food prep pretzel maker and cake decorator. I worked as a trophy builder and engraver, business card slitter, ink press cleaner, shipping and receiving, rubber stamp maker. And the list continues. My point in all this I worked full time all while trying to raise my two children alone, a choice I made. Some of the jobs I had, I lost because of the tribulations of raising children, employers take dimly to the time off required when a child is ill. My daughter was plagued with allergies to the world and was often sick. I couldn't afford a decent car, and was always playing catch up with the fixer uppers I could buy. Often doing my own repairs oil changes and the like. Insurance on cars was daunting I never made it out of the pool, a higher priced insurance because I didn't carry continuous coverage. When one of my Junkers died I didn't carry the insurance because I didn't have the car, but when I would find another Junker I would go to get insurance and they would put me in the higher insurance bracket assuming that I had been driving without the insurance. It didn't matter that I had no speeding tickets nor accidents I had to pay high priced insurance premiums.
The rest of the jobs I would learn become bored and find something else to do and quit. Part of PTSD? I think so. All the jobs I gave 110% to while there, the average job length was 6 months, not long enough for credit building nor to get ahead. There was no chance of saving for a rainy day, every day it rained.
My ticket out of the desperate cycle I found myself in was school. I now have a 20,000 dollar student loan bill, no degree in Ornamental Horticulture (broken ankle, financial aide denial) and even if I had the degree, I am not physically able to do that line of work. I need medical assistance and I don't know how to get decent medical care in a federally funded program which is designed not to help but deter you from using it.

Retreat

Hi My friends and family,
I have retreated to Alabama. I went to Florida St. Petersburg and Panama City, it truly is beautiful there, it is my hope to return. I just couldn't seem to pull it together there, (like I've been able to pull it together anywhere)...I know, I know stop beating yourself up...I'm in a lot of pain..I've been out of pain killers for about 2 weeks just taking regular aspirin and tylenol. I need to find a doctor so I can continue my Prozac as I promised my therapist I have another 2 weeks of those. I'm a bit frustrated with my situation Thank God for good friends. It seems like this trip was supposed to happen, meeting all the people I have so far has been wonderful. Being homeless while doing it has been a real challenge. Retreating to the refuge of a friend is the right thing for me to do. I was getting very depressed and weepy, and feeling really stupid. Which is part of my struggles with PTSD, I'm still the very strong and determined person I was when I left Michigan if anything I am stronger in my resolve to understand and conquer this disorder. Knowing that I needed to regroup is one of the signs that tell me that I do know my limitations and so for know I'm going to pat myself on the back and say "Atta Girl!" and rest for a bit. I won't be on line very often but plan on writing as often as possible. Thanks for your prayers keep them coming... Love Michelle