Taking a break from the deep stuff

From Otsego Marchi...

I found myself avoiding sleep, and first spoke with my therapist who thankfully has agreed to not go into any thing that makes me think about all the hard stuff.. so I'll be posting for a little while on my picture site. Today I uploaded two sets of my nieces videos of her Marching band performances(YouTube). As well as pictures of the band on Picasa I went to both of them this last weekend. The final one will be this coming weekend in Jenison which I plan on going to as well.

I don't want to know what makes me cry in my sleep

Last weekend I went to Otsego for my nieces Marching Band invitational. I stayed at my youngest sisters house and spoke to my oldest sibling for an awkward brief moment. She is adopting the second child from her foster care, siblings who will have a better life than what they were destined for had they stayed with thier drug addicted parents. We have a history I'm not quite sure how to explain it.. she was my mother for a couple of years after Mom died, as the oldest child she was always first in line for the beatings.. we have never discussed any of that.
When my son was three I went through a period of self loathing and got mixed up in a mess. I wasn't able to take care of my son in the way he deserved. So I asked my brother to keep him for a little while, so I could get my head back in the right place. After a week he decided he couldnt do it and asked my sister he she would. So I agreed to it signing a power of attorney for 6 months... and left town.. not knowing anyone who had access to drugs was exactly what I needed to work it out. Unfortunatly/fortunatly? just before I left I met my daughters Dad at a halloween party and we corresponded while I was away.
Nearing the third month I had been working and saving money and staying out of trouble started feeling better and had been planning for getting my son back when I got a notice that my sister had filed a petition with the courts to adopt my son. I had to quit my jobs (yes 2) and come back to fight my sister in court. I had to explain to the court officers why I left him in her care.
Well since My daughters dad had expressed interest I asked him if we could stay with him for a while which was how our relationship began. Since if I took him back without an adequate housing arrangment they would grant the petition.
I knew it wasn't a good way to start a relationship but I wanted to raise my son and the choice to get my shit together was a good one... but I didnt feel like I had any other option. Then my sister was mad at me for taking away her son... yes he was mine.. but she felt like I was a bad mother like the kids mother that she has now adopted.....
I'm glad she has the family she always wanted... but I had a hard time being happy for her.. I feel like I should be...

So then on Sunday before coming back to isolation we ventured to my Dads house for my stepmothers birthday. They weren't home so my nieces and I went for rides on the go cart. My parents farm was 12 acres so I took a trip out to my old isolation spot it was a group of pine trees.. of course the trees have grown and there isn't a spot to hide anymore... I don't want to hide...the whispers of the pines was gone...

So I haven't slept since last Sunday I came home and went to bed thinkinng I had a reletivly good weekend and woke three times crying.. I couldnt remember what I had been dreaming about and I guess it doesn't really matter.. I just dont want to sleep. I dont want to know what makes me cry in my sleep...

Abandoned and Isolation

I was asked by my therapist to write about isolation and abandonment before my next therapy session.. this is gonna be a tough one.. I like to try and deny that either one existed or exists.. currently I am self isolating... crawled into my shell as the world is too much... thats the nature of PTSD. I can come here and talk and chatter without fear to a large degree, as I said to Gypsy Doc the other night.. its easier for me to write a conversation than to be in a live one.
The past is responsible for that reaction. From father and boyfriends and even some people I never met. I felt I could never really share in a conversation.. whatever I had to say was wrong. The longer it went on the less intelligent I felt.. I have grown from that knowledege.. I do attempt some conversations even though the physical feelings, sweating , nausia, fast heart beat, then occasionally complete block of conversations...when I just cant think...happens.. then I feel lost and isolate to pout I lost another battle. Each encounter is a battle.

I felt abandoned by my mother when she died.. I felt abandoned by God when she died. I felt abandoned by my family (Dad and Siblings) and still do, I'm the black sheep or one of them I should say.. my siblings went through periods of time when they were the center of negative pidgeon holing and back stabbing conversations. I felt abandoned by the quack doctor.. Sometimes I even feel abandoned on the net.. especially when I need confirmation on something and cant get it.

Isolation is a technique used by abusers, when I was in a relationship with my daughters father he isolated me.. it was a gradual thing and not something I could identify as such when it was happening. He systematically turned me against the friends I had or made them think I was not the person they thought they knew. After he isolated me from friends he moved my son and I to a remote location where every phone call was long distance, and took away my transportation. Thats when the real abuse started. I left him 6 months later with nothing but the clothes on our backs and paperwork that showed who we were. I left with the landlord when he came to pick up the rent check, and found out later that day that I was pregnant with my daughter. The friend I called wondered why it had taken me so long to see, what he had done..
His response was to first try and discredit my thoughts,, like I was imagining the abuse or deserved it. Then it was threats... then it was my daughter needed two parents... I suffered through 18 years of abuse from that man giving him access to his daughter.. and yes I felt abadoned by him as well....

Currently I have been isolated to a large degree self imposed. It's safer for me. The last time I tried to become a active member of the world and even considered trying to find a job was when I was in Wrightsville NC. It was when Katrina had devasted New Orleans and the evacuees flooded every part of the US. I needed subsidized housing and could not find it as they got preference. Which was fine I was in Wrightsville because I was running.. fight or flight response..

The self isolation has a few parts to it... one I stay pretty much in my apartment unless I have an adventure with my children or grandchildren.. which isnt too often. My sons dysfuntioning has the potential to make me dysfunction so I try to limit the exposure to it.
The other part and perhaps the most hurtful or creator of the empty heart is the no real friends part. No spouse.. boyfriend or significant other..I have been abandoned or hurt and seem to draw abusers...so many times I just cant seem to bring myself to risk it again.
So that makes a fear of being alone in my world isolated but vulnerable.. lonely and wishing it were different.
......

The Shell

I had a therapist appointment yesterday both physical and mental.. My psych doc wondered if there wasn't a connection to my use of Shell in more of a turtle likeness than my name or seashells.
Because of the way I hide, recently like in the last 3 or 4 months I found myself isolating myself in my apartment, pulling into the shell? I do go out but if I do it's with my kids or short quick trips which exhaust me.
It started after I had a confrontation with a girl where I live. Her behavior triggered me and the anger I don't know how to manage welled up and I was ready to kick her &*^. Totally out of character for me. I can't stand fighting, loud exchanges, fighting is stupid there are no winners. I usually walk away and tuck it in somewhere in the recesses of my body (like a turtle). It's not healthy and I know that stuffing things can cause physical pain. Which is probably why I went back to physical therapy. Ya Think? LOL
So anyway the new physical therapist is holistic which is pretty interesting. He found my left side is extremely tense which throws my spine out of whack. My exercises consists of relieving the pressure and relaxing the tense areas.
My psych doctor sent me here to get in touch with some of my anger issues
so that's what I'm working on.
Let's see if Shell can come out of her shell and express the suppressed anger.

Failure or learning Curve

While recovering from the first time I fell apart, choice of words… hhmm ok when things got so confusing .. ok honestly I don’t know what the hell happened.. after a string of stressors pushed me off what I could handle? Anyway I was in the hospital outpatient, going through alcohol withdrawals and self medicating with mary.. I was asked to invite my parents to speak with a therapist. They wanted another perspective.
I called and asked them to come, I don’t remember the phone call but know it it must have been difficult for me… not knowing why so many things had happened… why was life stacked against me.. why were bad things happening to good people? I was (am) good people!


So anyway Dad didn’t make the appointment I remember hearing that unlike me some people had to work for a living.. so the therapist asked my stepmother “ how they viewed me how did Michelle do in school? Did anything happen when she was younger? How has she been since?

“Well Michelle didn’t do well in school settling for C’s when she was much smarter….
(Remember while I was barily scraping through school I was bleeding from welts I got from being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies)

Well, Michelle was raised in the Catholic church, and they were like normal kids so..
StOP

K it wont do me any good to go back quite that far.. so many things happened when I was a kid.. and they hurt to think about them… ok it's amzing how fast the human brain can go there...I need to list them and get them out.. bare with me…

Dad shot the dog... the steers had circled it and were stomping it to death… I was trying to get him out and…ugh

My brothers smashed a nest of mice, and took glee in it…

I wanted to escape the house the yelling and avoid a beating… I .. took a small portable radio and an Agatha Christie novel out to the Maple Syrup shed, it was a mobile home shed that my Dad altered for cooking the maple syrup.. It smelled wonderful. He had a couple bales of straw along the sides to block the wind from the north which made a perfect place to read. So I kept the fire going added more sap occasionally and the snow began to fall…. I woke up in the snow to my Dad slapping me, screaming at me to wake up… then he yelled at me “Get your ass in the house and go to bed” I almost died that night I had a headache for two weeks….Do you think he knew?

I got to stand in the middle of the line of kids and watch beatings coming and going…


I was trying to help get chores done, and thought I should be able to drive a tractor… phffft I climbed up in the seat as my siblings tried to tell me I didn’t have any idea what I was doing.. I pushed down what I thought was the clutch said you better get out of my way so I can get the chores done and throttled up and turned the key… I didn’t have my foot on the clutch I had it on the brake.. the tractor roared to life and spun the rear tires off as it turned in circles…

I was around 16 and couldn’t seem to do anything right, I was always being ridiculed and being told I was dumb, (the grades) , lazy, …
So I decided if I mucked out the barn… Dad might go easy on me…the next round of beatings… it was right after my brother got mad at me for something stupid and hit me hard enough to leave bruises.. when my stepmother saw them she confronted him because he was the one with a bad temper.. during the confrontation my brother slapped her and was immediately kicked out… I took the blame for that and was beating myself with it…
So there I am in the barn mucking it out.. and the cramps of being female began.. oh great!
So I began to cry, turned up the radio, and continued to move shit out of the barn… There is a bull and two cows in the pen milling around when I look up and my Dad says “ GET OUT” So then I burst into full fledge balling, and say “ Why cant I eve
Dad came flying over the 7 foot steel fence grabbed the shovel out of my hands pushed me into the feeding trough and swung the shovel which resounded off the bulls head with a clang Ill never forget… I scrambled out of the pen as I finished saying “do anything right?”
He climbed out and said “Are you on your period?” As I looked back at the fully engorged bull staring at me..
“Don’t come in the barn on your period go to the house”

Would have been a good time for the birds and the bees talk….
From then on…
I could never bring myself to go around any animals that were larger than a toaster…
And it was never discussed further…

Ok..so now where was I?

Yep that’s how I remember that meeting all that stuff was trying to go through my head.. I don’t think I thought about all of them until after she left but.. enough to make me cry when my childhood had been labeled as normal…

So there I am sitting there crying when she began to relate my failures.. or at least what she deemed as my failures.. which, by the way I hadn’t considered as failures but ate the title like Jam on toast..

I had illegitimate children and was an embarrassment to the family.. I already knew that from when I got an award for carrying a 4.0 average for two years…and the article also included the fact that I had been homeless.. instead of being proud of me they were embarrassed.
I had gotten a 3500 dollar budget to explore a home sharing proposal. One I had developed and researched and wrote the proposal for. I abandoned .. no I chose to give the money back to the United Way minus the 10 dollars I had spent on stamps because I was going to school full time and nearing the end of a two year degree, liberal arts or more aptly named prerequisite art.. I was going to Ferris for a degree In Ornamental Horticulture and I needed to concentrate on moving my family. It was a good choice, and I gave the research I had done to the United Way in the hopes someone else could pursue it. While I came to that decision I pictured a failure, I struggled with my emotions, dealt with my sons dying father who met him for the first time in Alabama the semester before… until the mentors at H.O.M.E (Helping Ourselves Means Employment/Education) and Staff of a homeless shelter I had volunteered with for three years, helped me sort those feelings out.. Surprised that I couldn’t touch the pride I should have felt in coming as far as I had with it…

Before she could continue listing anymore of my failures I stopped the interview by leaving.. when the therapist found me he hugged me and said “ Boy no wonder you felt like a failure… you have heard that your whole life haven’t you?

I have to keep telling myself I wasn’t a failure.. I made do with the skill set I had.. and it depends on who is looking at it … they cant make a judgment… not without knowing the facts.

But the crux of the issue is my telling myself I’ve failed.. I still struggle with it..

Tonight I read this:

“When you question the validity of failure as a legitimate concept, you begin to experience the magic of non attachment, one of the greatest gifts life has to offer. Before I go on let me assure you that nonattachment has nothing to do with not caring or being apathetic. Instead, it’s about doing your best, putting the odds in your favor, working hard towards your goals—but simultaneously letting go of the results. You become more involved in the process, but less attached to the fruits of your labor. You still want things to go your way, but your not dependant on it for your survival or peace of mind. You lose all sense of desperation, replacing it with gentle confidence.”
What About the Big Stuff Finding Strength and Moving Forward When the Stakes are High
Richard Carlson, Ph.D

When I try to let go of the results.. I go through everything attached to how I started thinking I was a failure… it’s a constant battle.. but one worth fighting for.

Assignment

Posted here: http://shell-shellssea.blogspot.com/

Recovery Within

I titled this segment recovery within because these episodes of extreme stress is ultimately inside the recovery from the PTSD. I've come a long way from my diagnosis in 2001. I've had several people suggest that I should put on my airmask like that of the jet going down in flames. I did that already when I went to the therapist. I've actually been wearing the mask since I checked myself into a psych unit back in 96 it was there that I learned I was stronger than this disorder. I have learned my limits and continue to test myself against them.. someday I hope to be able to stay ahead of the crash. Until then I'm not afraid to look for help. My psych suggested benedryl to help me sleep, rather than going to the "big guns" (medication) I haven't yet resorted to that. My body made me sleep the other day for around 17 hours. When I woke up at 5 in the afternoon I felt nautious and had extreme pain in my lower back, I slept crooked since I was so tired I probably layed the same way for a long time. So I layed on the floor and called my son with the two way radio he gave me. He told me that he will be undergoing surgery on his back and that the neuro is trying to help him get disibility. I have no idea if he is telling the truth or not. I hate that I doubt him, but will be there if in fact he does have surgery.
The kids have moved to another drama situation but I'm trusting God to look out for them. Still wearing the mask still getting a little air, still waiting for the plane to right itself. One day at a time.

No Pills and no therapy.. made it for a year and a half.

I moved into my apartment the December following the last trip to Wrightsville. A small studio with a subsidy. By small I mean around 12 foot square. Enough room for my little kitchenette and a bed a small table and a shelf for my craft supplies. Spending my days crafting and surfing the Internet when I had enough money to go to coffee shops or was lucky enough to catch a signal.
I visited my grand kids as often as I could, the youngest was born a year ago July. She is adorable despite living in a shelter the first 5 months of her life. the promise I made myself in 2005 was a declaration of the things that I had identified as being things that made it hard for me to function. It still holds true. Dysfunction makes me dysfunction.
What made it harder was the fact that the only real dysfunction I encountered was that of my own child. He is hardly a child he turned 26 this year. I posted blogs on my tribe profile in the past year. http://people.tribe.net/620c3482-40a1-4231-9f0e-6218d0f4ec55/blog
I like tribe and it's interactive community. Stayed plugged into what I was feeling and even made a few friends along the way. I got to go catch Bob Seger's Face the Promise tour in his opening concert here in Grand Rapids. You can see the pictures here: http://s57.photobucket.com/albums/g236/electricseashelly/?start=40 . I met up with a dozen Segernet.com members, including the owner Eric Verona, and the writer of the Segerfile.com Scott Sparling.
I took thousands of pictures in the year and a half some good some not lol but I have a great time looking for opportunities, I usually carry my camera wherever I go. You can catch my photo's now on my Picasa albums and of course I choose my favorites to post here :A Journey to Self through pictures
I also have a myspace.. but don't use it much.
Without rehashing the events of the last couple months let's just say I was triggered and moved into a one bedroom apartment. I spent the last week not sleeping except very short naps, not being able to eat much, craving sweets or maybe just wanting to stuff it had I had money I probably would have tried to satisfy those cravings. ( I eat my way out of stress sometimes) I started seeing a therapist about 4 weeks ago, he agreed to not make me rehash the stuff I've documented here which is cool, I knew I was in trouble when I went to him trying to tell the whole story before dealing with what is happening now would only take longer to get back on track. He agreed to come here and read it so we could stay in the present. THANK YOU
He also suggested I come and write again.. so here I am. :)
Of course I'm not all better or anything but as usual I reached out for help when I needed it. "Atta Girl"
I have these thoughts running through my head:
"son of a bitch here we go again"
"I need to protect my grand kids"
" I feel guilty and have regrets about some of the things that happened to me and my kids when I raised them alone"
"Shell you did the best you can with what you had at the time"
"I am treating my son like my parents did me, not respecting and trusting him"
" My son has lied and made some bad choices"
" I made a ton of bad choices when I was his age"
of course there's plenty more... some of them are self bashing, which only hurts me, so I need to identify them as such and change it to acceptance. I did what I could do with the skill set I had. then tell myself that my son too is doing the best he can with the skill set he has.. I need to tell myself that even if it might not be true, I just don't know what to think about where he is concerned. He tried to use my PTSD against me in the last few weeks. He was upset with me for contacting CPS. I forgive him for it and recognize where it came from. I also respect my decision to contact CPS it was the right thing to do given what's happened.
I found a card I gave to myself when I started this journey, when I was going through the kids pictures that I have , they looked happy and they were.
Sometimes in those pictures we were going through some stuff that I thought would scar them. I wonder if pictures existed of me when I was a kid if I would be looking happy or was I wearing a tortured face? Since I had repressed the memories I suppose I looked like they did...anyway I copied what the card said and my daughter and I are going to put it on a poster so I can see it more often and remind myself just how far I've come.

You probably feel like the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders right now,
And if you move the wrong way,
It’s going to come crashing down.
That has to be an exhausting feeling,
And I wish the load didn’t have to be so heavy.
But I want you to know I admire the way
You keep going and doing,
what has to be done.
You might be thinking
What choice do I have?
But there are many who would'nt be able
To hold up under your circumstances
Who would'nt have your inner strength
or convictions for doing the right thing.
I hope there will be pockets of time
When you can find some relief and rest
I hope you make every effort to take care of yourself,
Because you’re a good person,
And you’re very special to many people.
Please count me as one of them.
Kay Andrew
( It was a Hallmark card : Thank you Kay for the send off on my Journey and the reminder that I am a good person and special p.s If anyone knows how to send the thank you to her personally I would love to hear from you.)

Linking my blogs

In moving this blog to new blogger I encountered some snafu's but made it here with underdog LOL

anyway I created a new blog in the process which mirrored this one but now its going to be a Journey to self, through pictures.. check it out.. I'm an amature photographer at best but it's become a great way for me to relax.

I've even started making videos which is a lot of fun.

Please feel free to comment on either blog. or not.. :) Happy Blogging!

http://shell-shellssea.blogspot.com/

It Worked I'm here

Attempting to transfer

Please work
Ive cleared cache and cookies
enabled what I was supposed to..
already have my google account...
deleted all the members so it wont search for them.. here goes nuttin

Flyfree Michelle
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Michelle
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Hey friends,

I am back in Michigan as some of you know I went to North Carolina again. I was running, I knew it on some levels. I had convinced myself that I wasn't but I felt like I had lost all that I had gained. I couldn't face another holiday hiding from my family and all the emotions.

In North Carolina I found a shelter to stay in right away I asked God to help me figure it out. I went to the Union Baptist Church, which was the shelters benifactor. I went to bible study as well. I'm not sure if I mentioned this at any time in the blog, but I was raised a Catholic. Front pew every sunday but angry, resentful and stuck. I believed in God but couldn't understand why if he loved me I was without my mom, why I was getting beat at home every night, why my stepmother hated me.... I also could see that the beauty in the world that I see so readily, sunsets, mountain tops, the birds singing, spring flowers, my children....had to come from an awesome God. I like to believe that even though I have sinned that I could go to heaven, but I heard the negative self talk that crippling inner voice repeating that I would never amount to anything...and the eucharist plea " Lord, I am not worthy to recieve you, only say the word and I will be healed."

What happenend this time, is nothing short of unbelievable? I'm still having a hard time putting a handle on all of it. I kept going back to the scripture put the armor on and walk with the lord. It didn't make much sense to me at the time, I also had the house manager telling me when I needed it to be quiet and I would hear what he had to say. I am one of those people who has a hard time shutting down thier brains. I'm always thinking about things, how I can make them better, how I could do something, ....but I started telling myself to be quiet especially at night, I was having a hard time sleeping I would wake up with hot flashes (yes I am menopausal lol) But sometimes I would just wake and not know why I was sitting there unable to go back to sleep. Then we had a benifit for funding for the shelter and one of the ladies from the house testified as to what God is doing in her life, she mentioned that she also had trouble being quiet. She is fighting alcoholism and drug addiction, but feels confidant that she can beat it with God's help. I was jealous, that she had found something or someone to count on so furvently. I was introduced to the scripture God is not jealous or boastful....

1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

There's more and I'll be back Love shell

Victims come and Victims Go....Bob Seger No Mans Land

No Mans Land Bob Seger

Headin' in or headin' out
Standing on the shore
Pause a moment to reflect
Which trip costs you more
Between the ever restless crowds

And the silence of your room
Spend an hour in no man's land
You'll be leaving soon

Victims come and victims go
There's always lots to spare

One victim lives the tragedy
One victim stops to stare

And still another walks on by
Pretending not to see
They're all out there in no man's land
Cause it's the safest place to be

But sanctuary never comes
Without some kind of risk
Illusions without freedom

Never quite add up to bliss
The haunting and the haunted
Play a game no one can win
The spirits come at midnight

And by dawn they're gone again
And so it seems our destiny
To search and never rest
To ride that ever changing wave
That never seems to crest
To shiver in the darkest night
Afraid to make a stand
And then go back and do our time
Out there in no man's land


I am definitely doing my time in No Mans Land... Once again I am the victim... I left the transitional housing not having figured out why I didn't "fit"
I am actually relieved to not be there... am I afraid to make a stand? Probably so... I went up to Ferris with my daughter for a couple days. I took her niece and nephews with me so she could be an Aunt... then had a picnic with both my kids and the Grand babies. Last night after the grand babies went home my daughter and I had a night of chatting. She wanted to know about her brother and his Dad, and she was trying to sort out some feelings she is currently dealing with regarding her Dad. She wanted to know if feeling bewildered or a little insane was appropriate. It seems that her Step mother who was very abusive to Heather as she grew up was back in her Dads life after they divorced ( I still haven't written about all of that). Now this woman is acting like nothing ever happened and that she is responsible for Heather's art interest and her success at college. I told her no, that I feel the same way about my Dad... the abuse did happen it wasn't a figment of our imaginations, and that abusive people won't admit to the damage they have done. She is also losing her Aunts on her Dads side as they are all considerably older than my side... I wasn't allowed to go to her Grandmothers funeral and she wanted me to be there for her when she loses her favorite Aunt... I assured her I will be there for her... We talked til the wee hours of the morning then I came back down here to GR..

So back to figuring out me:

I make myself the victim: I'm not really sure how I made myself the victim in this circumstance.. Why I was accepted into the program and suddenly after two weeks one of which my case manager was gone for... I suddenly didn't "fit"

I do know I self sabotaged... Instead of speaking up about the housing money and why I didn't want to pay that bill, when it doesn't show up on a credit report...
Note to self Pay what is on that report...

I do know I am stuck on that "not fitting" The potential to self abuse is there... Let it go...

I fought the urge to just run for longer than I ever have... the kids know that is why we moved so much when they were kids... when I didn't feel "safe" we moved...
but that was only part of the time... the others were more a result of being a single parent and bad cars and sick kids... I still am not running but I am still trying to process the current situation. So I need to give myself an Atta Girl here.

I'm following through with the housing leads I have and if I can't figure something out by the end of the month, I have a friend who needs an advocate... the problem there is... will I be repeating the rescue someone else so I don't have to deal with me... or can I separate the need for winter housing... more thinking time is available before I take that step but Identifying that potential is another Atta Girl for me...

All who wander are not lost..JRR. Tolkien

Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm

I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I haven't posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...Always the rescuer heh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..Then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...Then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...Her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsened as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...Where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultrum for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.

At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...

Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...And IM resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...That I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...They have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...Doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? Or drug users? Or people who have trouble staying in one place?

*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.

posted by Shell at 11:06 PM
Monday July 25th 2005

There is no program that "fits" me unless I checked myself into a hospital that deals with the disorder. I don't feel like I need to be hospitalized . I can leave this situation and get another one...or can I fight the bureaucracy and get an advocate to help me through this particular crisis..I feel frozen I cant make a rational decision...There's just too much going on....So I am going to break it down and see if I can't figure it out...

Tuesday July 26th

I am fighting myself to stay put..I get my disability check next Monday...My mind is screaming at me to just pack up and head on out...Anything would be better than feeling like I failed myself yet again....I have not begun to pack...As I am trying really hard to figure out a rational response to the latest...Ok so I need to write down everything that has happened thus far...So here it goes..

I moved into My Sisters House, thinking that it would be a safe place for me to work things out, find out what is on my credit report and pay some of the bills so I can rebuild my credit. The only current bill I had was to SBC for my phone (internet) which I shut off when I left Big Rapids. I was told that I could get a phone after 90 days. So I wanted to pay that off. My case manager said I shouldn't pay any bills until we discussed it, and went on vacation. When I got the first check in the house I spent some of it on my kids...Tony is raising 4 kids so I bought the grand babies some shoes and an outfit...I spent around 50 dollars on Heather for school supplies she is a graphic artist living as a non traditional student in the dorms..(everything she owns is in her room that is shared by another student) her space is very limited. since I have been homeless for over a year I have not been able to do anything for either of them. They are my life...the kids are what kept me going for years. I am in menopause suffering from empty nest syndrome without a nest...lol
So my case manager comes back from vacation and was upset with me for spending money on the kids, and said to hang onto the money the next month. I again asked her if I could pay on the phone bill she said no. In the house there is a pay phone in the hall way that is community and had a posted 5 minutes per day phone limit, which was not followed by any residents...One in particular would tie up the phone for hours. I didn't get messages from my kids or the resources I was linking to. So the next month I went and bought a cell phone, I had to place a 125 dollar deposit on it. And it cost 125 dollars for the first month and activation. I did not ask permission. Each time I asked to discuss where my money should be going I was looking for feedback so I could make the decision. This is where we (case manager and I) started butting heads. Instead of discussing anything that I was doing it was like I was a little kid in the darn whipping line. So I bought what I wanted screw it my rent was 180 bucks and I could spend the money anyway I chose. (Self sabotage) Because I want to fix the situation I am in....The case manager had already made up her mind that I didn't "fit" ......*sigh
Since I made a purchase that was determined by my credit history I requested the copy of the credit report used. I showed the paper work to my case manager and she signed it and sent it out after I changed my address on my license, which I did the next day. Ok the time line on all this is a little fuzzy....
I got a counselor at cherry Street Clinic
A physician at St, Marys Clinic
I got wrote up for having my kids over on Mothers Day as it fell on a weekend and I didn't get prior authorization...The kids didn't even know if they could make it until Saturday night....And I could not have seen them all if I didn't watch the twins in the morning. Tony went to pick up my grandson from visitation and his sister (my daughter) from her dads, there would not have been enough room in the van for all of them.
I got wrote up for missing a curriculum class..They changed the address of meeting places..I was not informed of where it would be...So I went to the wrong place.
I got wrote up for not having a full 20 hours in for volunteering I was called a liar about my disabilities as I don't look sick and the first volunteer position I had was too physical, sorting cloths for In The Image, and I fell on the sidewalk....And a paper the case manager received from my doctor said "Patient states she has PTSD" so she assumed I had self diagnosed after being given a copy of this blogger.
I got the fourth write up for missing a case manager meeting when I was up all night the night before with what the doctor thought might have been appendicitis....I was then asked to sign a 60 day contract...More later..I'm tired

Thursday July 28th

Self sabotage

1. I live with other people so I don't have to be alone with myself
2.When someone in authority tells me I have to do something I rebel and do the complete opposite...comes from my immature coping skills..I did it with my Dad if I was going to get beaten I was going to deserve it.
3. I live in the cycle of abuse...I surround myself with dysfunctional people- co-dependent
4. Negative self talk interrupts the positives.
...

While all the above was going on I started developing a fund raising event for a program here called Shepherds of Independance...it is on hold as I haven't come to a decision...and don't know when I can fix this....

Saturday July 30, 2005

I am exhausted, today I slept until 4 in the afternoon..it will be hard to sleep tonight... I applied to a few apartment complexes to appease my case manager but I skipped last weeks meeting with her...I don't want to make any rash decisions and I don't feel like arguing my points because they don't seem to matter anyway. I have had several offers from friends on line to come and stay with them..but I know in my heart that I need to work this out alone. I also know that running away isn't the answer either. Yesterday my daughter stopped at the house and brought me a very early birthday present. She was on her way to Canada with her college friends. Her present was a lavender pillow like I had given to her last year, you lay it over your eyes and the smell of the lavender and the darkness helps to bring on sleep. She also put some bath salts in it which was for muscle relaxation. She designed and made the card and we reminisced about her art maturity...She has developed a professional attitude about her art I do believe she will go far. She also supports anything I choose to do, and wants to speak with the case manager before I leave as she feels like they are doing me a huge disservice by asking me to leave. Well it's 10:30 and I need to walk home so I'll say goodnight and I'll try and write some at home...til then Peace Shell

Sunday July 30th

(:45

I get my check tommorrow, I think I'm just going to take off somewhere anywhere...I can't do this desicion stuff...I still don't have a home my heart is in a million pieces everyone thinks I am this strong person with goals and ambitions what they don't see is just how messy the real me is. I was told by the latest therapist that I would have this PTSD forever it isnt going away I cant make it go away either...Shit I can't even figure out that I just needed to pay bills...is that why I didn't "fit" ? I have known for a long time that I don't "fit" ... I am a puzzle with too many pieces missing to ever make a whole picture... Uncle

Welcome 2005

Welcome

If you have PTSD then you are already living in hell.



A very dear friend of mine said:

"It's not about the Destination it's all about the Journey"

" If you feel like your going through hell...well my friends that's not the place to stop."


I wholeheartedly agree.
PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder what is it?
How did I get it?
Do I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?
The chaos I create just keeps going, it's a vicious cycle... I want to get off this merry-go-round.
My adventure started long before PTSD was even recognized as a disorder. I was not a service (vietnam) related PTSD as it has been commonly referred to. I was traumatized as a child with the death of my mother, and then later by abusive men. My responses to stress is often compounded by the miscued thinking patterns developed as a coping mechanism. It is my hope to publish my story and my recovery attempts here, to help anyone else who may be in the same situation.
I am currently homeless once again living in Grand Rapids Michigan, I am trying to get into a transitional housing program so I can repair my credit so I can qualify for subsidized housing before I end up a bag lady. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I work towards the new goal. Thanks Shell

Happy Thanksgiving

Wow...I have a lot to be Thankful for... I got to go on an incredible Journey ...A Journey to Self it may seem like a short Journey to you but I still don't remember the first 9 years of my life. I do NOT want to open that Pandora's Box.

It may happen and God help me when it does... The knowledge that I still have something in my past that my brain couldn't handle back then, is the catalyst to figure out who I really am. Knowledge is key for me to not take drugs...I am not on any medications... I need to bear with the pain or be doped up on drugs that are popping up on list of suits involving recalls/ dangerous drugs...Vioxx, Bextra, Celebrex, Neurontin, Oxycontin, those are the names of the drugs I know they gave me the physicians I mean... I really do feel like a guinea pig....

I'm no longer trying to help my friend, I've been up here for a couple weeks now...And still have stress in my life...My days and night's are all screwed up I left there in a panic mode. My friend is setting himself up to lose everything... But can't see beyond the alcoholic nightmare he lives in. I'm not going to feel bad about my choice to leave. That was the wisest choice for me. I do feel awful, gut wrenching awful that I can't help my friend... It was much too dangerous living there.... So I am functioning in classic PTSD form... I do have several friends at the moment who I can count on to talk me through some things... So anyway it is time for me to get back into this... This healing of me through writing...Til the next time Happy Thanksgiving and have a Blessed Day

Hi, Friends

Today is well... It's another day in the life of PTSD....
My daughter bless her heart was disowned by her Power and Control Freak Dad...
It wasn't enough to make me move away from her...He tried to control her when he bought her a phone for college... He reads her mail...Instead of helping his 19 year old child wade through the college paperwork he accuses her of lying...
It's been this way for all of the 19 years, he didn't have control of me so he used her in a power struggle dragging me to court telling her to be careful or she would end up like me fat and lazy. She is an artist and a very talented one at that... But to get her Dad to support her emotionally is like trying to pull teeth from a tiger...Yah might as well get the stitches first.

On to the second latest thing...I was living with a friend trying to help him help himself with his PTSD...He wasn't ready...His life style would need to change in order for him to heal and he would rather drink himself to death. I moved back to the town my daughter is in so I can keep in touch with her more closely...The kids have been so important in my life for the last 23 years, I need to be connected to them...Even though they are starting their own lives they appreciate the sacrifices I made for them and have recently let me know that they recognize those sacrifices.
I'm really tired of the chaos this disorder brings to the table...I just don't seem to have control.

I'm still not on any medications none for my chronic pain and none for depression...I'm still a resident of Alabama with Alabama Medicaid, that I can't use...And a bank account that was drained by the drunks at my friends house...I need to stop procrastinating and fix it so this week that is the plan get back on track with everything...So for now Peace... And keep me in your prayers...Shell



Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm

I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I havent posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...always the rescuer eh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsend as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultram for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.

At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...

Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...and I'm resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...that I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...they have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? or drug users? or people who have trouble staying in one place?

*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.

Hi, Friends

Hi,
I'm sitting still for the moment, I am back in Michigan. I am the assistant manager to my Chronic Pain Site if you have chronic pain it's a great place for support. I have been off medication for almost two months. My mood is fragile, in that the slightest things sometimes makes me cry. I am going to see my therapist soon, at the Sundance Center for Equine therapy.
I have agreed to stay here at my friends house while he is admitted to the VA hospital for a 90 day program. He has Vietnam related PTSD and can't seem to deal with the pain let alone identify how to fix it. His military records are incomplete lost in the bizarre record keeping practices of Vietnam. As with some PTSD sufferers he creates Chaos in his life to keep the dreams and memories at bay. He drinks heavily as well. Which doesn't make a good combination for the people who surround him. He is a deadly weapon ready to explode. So for the time being I am trying to keep on top of my PTSD and help a fellow sufferer in the process. I got some great pictures on my trips and will soon try to update them...Much Love Shell