2024

Say what, I do have access to my blog.! In cleaning out my email boom here's the link:) Yay

Almost 3 years later.. Still working on me.. Figured out I do a lot of fear based thinking. I also have survivor instincts which swim around the fear based thinking.. the problem is there is a very short leash from fear based thinking to fight or flight. True the rats of a couple years ago was indeed a get the heck out of here kind of moment.. but I am proud that I was able to slow down enough to know it..While I still flew by the seat of my pants in the move.. staying in a shelter until I found a place.. that's what they are for.. I am not afraid to ask for what I need in the physical realm... that is... emotionally I'm still in the normal fight or flight thing.. .. I kicked a 20 year friend to the curb.. I just can't be around men.. they don't get it ... I am worth more than a one night stand or being played like a violin. Still not able to see my grand kids.. she hasn't even let their dad see them in almost a year.. and he still struggles to find his niche in the world..he doesn't have the money to fight for them..*sigh I guess.. this PTSD is just going to be a part of the rest of my life just like is was .. I cant imagine ever knowing life without it..

*Sigh

This blog got really long.. of course now it's 2010 September of 2008 was a lifetime ago as far as my disorder goes... the rats set me up for a slide into depression followed by pneumonia and COPD and congestive heart failure that I didn't have but that's what site diagnosis does so well it pigeon holes me all the time..

I became a recluse completely isolating myself after I struggled to get ready to exercise my way back to health..only to be triggered and completely shut down.
After becoming suicidal again last spring I spent the summer trying to make my way out of the city to a smaller town and less drama.. so here I go again.. trying to stand back up I know I can its just a lot of hard work.

July August and September

Wow three months just flew by didn't they? But as I was living it it was painfully slow and hard to make it through them. Today I turned 50 years old and I didn't think I would be this um whats the word.... goofy lol yeah I feel goofy I usually spend my birthdays as just another day, and I'm sure that in retrospect it will just be another day on this journey.
I talked to KK an online friend a little while ago, who wished me a big fuck yer day which is burner speak for Love ya have a great day... and we talked about being 50 which is just around the corner for him...
Then my daughter called a few minutes later, she needed her mommy, which was the best present I could have gotten today, just knowing that she needs me was an incredible relief.
I'm sure I will hear from more people today and life goes on...

OK so for the rest of the update
I'm not in therapy I'm not on medications
I am depressed

My grand kids are still going through drama at a pretty fast pace, my son got out of jail still has a PPO listed so he wasn't able to go to the house to visit the kids, but finally persuaded the mom to let him visit at the park. Then she put him back on daycare and doctor contacts, only to be told that he was being investigated by CPS for abuse to the oldest girl.. which was total bull.. so he hasn't been able to see the kids for a little over a month.. she very rarely lets me talk to them on the phone and wont let me have them here at all.. which was just as well since I had rats in my apartment...
Icky and gross and scary... I couldn't sleep in my apartment I didn't feel like they were acting fast enough.. submitted a complaint with the owners, and was moved into a small room for sleeping... each time I needed to go into my apartment I would feel sick, I was separated from my belongings and couldn't enjoy life at all. I wanted to run I didn't care where just away from here.. I need help with my rent which I get here in the form of a rent voucher from MSHDA but apparently I cant take this voucher anywhere.. its all very confusing... so anyway I've moved into a unit on the second floor its a cute apartment with a ton more light coming in, so if I can get past the thoughts of the rats... I should be OK..
There is still a longing to move closer to my grand babies but also the fear of being too close to the drama that surrounds them...
All this stuff has brought up my inadequate coping skills to the PTSD and with the Grand Valley Nursing students help we have come up with an experiment to help me make connections in my thought processes when under going an episode.
They made me a notebook and a scoring system to track what I'm thinking, feeling and reacting to. They are going to provide me with a relaxation box with things that will help me to calm my thoughts...With a reward system for making it worthwhile, not that I don't think its worthwhile.. it is!! See if I can make my brain process stuff correctly then eventually the triggers and reactions will become less intense and more manageable.
So for now.. that's about it.. Til next time Love and Peace Shell

June Update

Hello friends,

It's been a long month, mostly spent inside. I went on a canoe trip for memorial day.

I had a run in or rather a confrontation with the truth while there, I am too fat. Oh yeah that doctor told me years ago Im obese yeah its true... :(
My girlfriend and I attempted to ride together we chose the fat bottomed canoe thinking it would be more stable... instead I made it pop a wheelie and my friends stiffness at riding so high made us very tipsy.. we went over twice within a quarter of a mile.. I thought about sitting in the middle to balance the weight so we tried it.. and then I realized if the canoe tipped again I would be trapped under the bar, so we made the decision at the same time that we couldnt make it safely so we walked back up stream, telling two kayakers on the way to tell our friends downstream we turned back.

We went to camp and waited for them, it was nice to get outside but I really havent been outside much since.
Other than the visit with two of my grandkids, I went down and picked up the two of my sons a 3 yr old and a 2 year old and came back on the bus. It seems that my son and his girlfriend have now split up, I was pretty sure when she had him arrested that it was her way of taking him out of the picture for the next boyfriend to move in.. so my visit with the little ones will most likely be the last one for a while.

So what to do about it being summer and locking myself in this dark apartment.. I'm shutting off my internet and forcing myself to go back out in the world. It's the best thing I can do for myself. I'll have to go to coffee shops again to get online and maybe I'll get some excercise and start taking photographs again.. Til next time Peace and good health.. Shell

News n updates

Well beyond my helping to save 62sq feet of rainforest...
My youngest child will be graduating from college a week from today.. I'm very proud of her and a little proud of myself for struggling all those years. Finally a Mothers Day that will have a better connotation than ones past. Mothers Day was always a reminder of what my family and ex's felt.. that I was a failure. Obviously I wasn't, so from now on I can really feel and believe the truth I WAS and continue to be a good mother.
I did the best I could with a disorder called PTSD, not knowing what was driving the constant moves and irrational responses, caused the roller coaster ride that became my life.
The other news involves my youngest grandson who was hospitalized in the beginning of April as failure to thrive. My son had to fight the doctor to get him admitted as medicaid demands that lots of things get pushed away from expensive procedures. He weighed a mere 7lbs at three months old. He should have weighed nearly 15. When I found out I started looking online for causes of failure to thrive, knowing that in this case it wasn't neglect as I spoke to my son nearly everyday and heard his concerns about his weight. They took the baby to all of the doctor visits scheduled and were assured that the baby was fine and brushed off.
So finally my son said enough was enough and demanded that he be hospitalized, where tests were run and now confirmed that he has a chromosome error called Prader-Willi syndrome. So I'm trying to educate myself on the ramifications of this disorder and figure out how I cna help without becoming to entangled in the dysfunction that seems to surround my son and his family.
My sleeping has been off kilter since we had some security issues here as well as the oncoming spring tornado season.. I had a panic attack last friday when the alarms sounded as I knew there were storms in the area.. when the clerk at the paper store where my daughter was purchasing her resume specialty paper told her that I could relax that here they test them the first friday of the month.. really I think that they should reconsider testing them when there are storms in the area.. my daughter let me cry and release some of the tension but it just reminded me just how much this season effects me.. For now Im safe.. and I guess saving rainforsests :)

2008

(picture is of the card my daughter and I made this year)

Happy New Year


Well I made it through the holidays.. Yeah!!

lol

It wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be..

I have a new grandson.. born December 10th.. 6 total
I set up some new boundaries as far as my son and his family goes, I just need to remember that I am healthier when I'm not so stressed out.

Can't wait for spring is it here yet? lol

Taking a break from the deep stuff

From Otsego Marchi...

I found myself avoiding sleep, and first spoke with my therapist who thankfully has agreed to not go into any thing that makes me think about all the hard stuff.. so I'll be posting for a little while on my picture site. Today I uploaded two sets of my nieces videos of her Marching band performances(YouTube). As well as pictures of the band on Picasa I went to both of them this last weekend. The final one will be this coming weekend in Jenison which I plan on going to as well.

I don't want to know what makes me cry in my sleep

Last weekend I went to Otsego for my nieces Marching Band invitational. I stayed at my youngest sisters house and spoke to my oldest sibling for an awkward brief moment. She is adopting the second child from her foster care, siblings who will have a better life than what they were destined for had they stayed with thier drug addicted parents. We have a history I'm not quite sure how to explain it.. she was my mother for a couple of years after Mom died, as the oldest child she was always first in line for the beatings.. we have never discussed any of that.
When my son was three I went through a period of self loathing and got mixed up in a mess. I wasn't able to take care of my son in the way he deserved. So I asked my brother to keep him for a little while, so I could get my head back in the right place. After a week he decided he couldnt do it and asked my sister he she would. So I agreed to it signing a power of attorney for 6 months... and left town.. not knowing anyone who had access to drugs was exactly what I needed to work it out. Unfortunatly/fortunatly? just before I left I met my daughters Dad at a halloween party and we corresponded while I was away.
Nearing the third month I had been working and saving money and staying out of trouble started feeling better and had been planning for getting my son back when I got a notice that my sister had filed a petition with the courts to adopt my son. I had to quit my jobs (yes 2) and come back to fight my sister in court. I had to explain to the court officers why I left him in her care.
Well since My daughters dad had expressed interest I asked him if we could stay with him for a while which was how our relationship began. Since if I took him back without an adequate housing arrangment they would grant the petition.
I knew it wasn't a good way to start a relationship but I wanted to raise my son and the choice to get my shit together was a good one... but I didnt feel like I had any other option. Then my sister was mad at me for taking away her son... yes he was mine.. but she felt like I was a bad mother like the kids mother that she has now adopted.....
I'm glad she has the family she always wanted... but I had a hard time being happy for her.. I feel like I should be...

So then on Sunday before coming back to isolation we ventured to my Dads house for my stepmothers birthday. They weren't home so my nieces and I went for rides on the go cart. My parents farm was 12 acres so I took a trip out to my old isolation spot it was a group of pine trees.. of course the trees have grown and there isn't a spot to hide anymore... I don't want to hide...the whispers of the pines was gone...

So I haven't slept since last Sunday I came home and went to bed thinkinng I had a reletivly good weekend and woke three times crying.. I couldnt remember what I had been dreaming about and I guess it doesn't really matter.. I just dont want to sleep. I dont want to know what makes me cry in my sleep...

Abandoned and Isolation

I was asked by my therapist to write about isolation and abandonment before my next therapy session.. this is gonna be a tough one.. I like to try and deny that either one existed or exists.. currently I am self isolating... crawled into my shell as the world is too much... thats the nature of PTSD. I can come here and talk and chatter without fear to a large degree, as I said to Gypsy Doc the other night.. its easier for me to write a conversation than to be in a live one.
The past is responsible for that reaction. From father and boyfriends and even some people I never met. I felt I could never really share in a conversation.. whatever I had to say was wrong. The longer it went on the less intelligent I felt.. I have grown from that knowledege.. I do attempt some conversations even though the physical feelings, sweating , nausia, fast heart beat, then occasionally complete block of conversations...when I just cant think...happens.. then I feel lost and isolate to pout I lost another battle. Each encounter is a battle.

I felt abandoned by my mother when she died.. I felt abandoned by God when she died. I felt abandoned by my family (Dad and Siblings) and still do, I'm the black sheep or one of them I should say.. my siblings went through periods of time when they were the center of negative pidgeon holing and back stabbing conversations. I felt abandoned by the quack doctor.. Sometimes I even feel abandoned on the net.. especially when I need confirmation on something and cant get it.

Isolation is a technique used by abusers, when I was in a relationship with my daughters father he isolated me.. it was a gradual thing and not something I could identify as such when it was happening. He systematically turned me against the friends I had or made them think I was not the person they thought they knew. After he isolated me from friends he moved my son and I to a remote location where every phone call was long distance, and took away my transportation. Thats when the real abuse started. I left him 6 months later with nothing but the clothes on our backs and paperwork that showed who we were. I left with the landlord when he came to pick up the rent check, and found out later that day that I was pregnant with my daughter. The friend I called wondered why it had taken me so long to see, what he had done..
His response was to first try and discredit my thoughts,, like I was imagining the abuse or deserved it. Then it was threats... then it was my daughter needed two parents... I suffered through 18 years of abuse from that man giving him access to his daughter.. and yes I felt abadoned by him as well....

Currently I have been isolated to a large degree self imposed. It's safer for me. The last time I tried to become a active member of the world and even considered trying to find a job was when I was in Wrightsville NC. It was when Katrina had devasted New Orleans and the evacuees flooded every part of the US. I needed subsidized housing and could not find it as they got preference. Which was fine I was in Wrightsville because I was running.. fight or flight response..

The self isolation has a few parts to it... one I stay pretty much in my apartment unless I have an adventure with my children or grandchildren.. which isnt too often. My sons dysfuntioning has the potential to make me dysfunction so I try to limit the exposure to it.
The other part and perhaps the most hurtful or creator of the empty heart is the no real friends part. No spouse.. boyfriend or significant other..I have been abandoned or hurt and seem to draw abusers...so many times I just cant seem to bring myself to risk it again.
So that makes a fear of being alone in my world isolated but vulnerable.. lonely and wishing it were different.
......

The Shell

I had a therapist appointment yesterday both physical and mental.. My psych doc wondered if there wasn't a connection to my use of Shell in more of a turtle likeness than my name or seashells.
Because of the way I hide, recently like in the last 3 or 4 months I found myself isolating myself in my apartment, pulling into the shell? I do go out but if I do it's with my kids or short quick trips which exhaust me.
It started after I had a confrontation with a girl where I live. Her behavior triggered me and the anger I don't know how to manage welled up and I was ready to kick her &*^. Totally out of character for me. I can't stand fighting, loud exchanges, fighting is stupid there are no winners. I usually walk away and tuck it in somewhere in the recesses of my body (like a turtle). It's not healthy and I know that stuffing things can cause physical pain. Which is probably why I went back to physical therapy. Ya Think? LOL
So anyway the new physical therapist is holistic which is pretty interesting. He found my left side is extremely tense which throws my spine out of whack. My exercises consists of relieving the pressure and relaxing the tense areas.
My psych doctor sent me here to get in touch with some of my anger issues
so that's what I'm working on.
Let's see if Shell can come out of her shell and express the suppressed anger.

Failure or learning Curve

While recovering from the first time I fell apart, choice of words… hhmm ok when things got so confusing .. ok honestly I don’t know what the hell happened.. after a string of stressors pushed me off what I could handle? Anyway I was in the hospital outpatient, going through alcohol withdrawals and self medicating with mary.. I was asked to invite my parents to speak with a therapist. They wanted another perspective.
I called and asked them to come, I don’t remember the phone call but know it it must have been difficult for me… not knowing why so many things had happened… why was life stacked against me.. why were bad things happening to good people? I was (am) good people!


So anyway Dad didn’t make the appointment I remember hearing that unlike me some people had to work for a living.. so the therapist asked my stepmother “ how they viewed me how did Michelle do in school? Did anything happen when she was younger? How has she been since?

“Well Michelle didn’t do well in school settling for C’s when she was much smarter….
(Remember while I was barily scraping through school I was bleeding from welts I got from being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies)

Well, Michelle was raised in the Catholic church, and they were like normal kids so..
StOP

K it wont do me any good to go back quite that far.. so many things happened when I was a kid.. and they hurt to think about them… ok it's amzing how fast the human brain can go there...I need to list them and get them out.. bare with me…

Dad shot the dog... the steers had circled it and were stomping it to death… I was trying to get him out and…ugh

My brothers smashed a nest of mice, and took glee in it…

I wanted to escape the house the yelling and avoid a beating… I .. took a small portable radio and an Agatha Christie novel out to the Maple Syrup shed, it was a mobile home shed that my Dad altered for cooking the maple syrup.. It smelled wonderful. He had a couple bales of straw along the sides to block the wind from the north which made a perfect place to read. So I kept the fire going added more sap occasionally and the snow began to fall…. I woke up in the snow to my Dad slapping me, screaming at me to wake up… then he yelled at me “Get your ass in the house and go to bed” I almost died that night I had a headache for two weeks….Do you think he knew?

I got to stand in the middle of the line of kids and watch beatings coming and going…


I was trying to help get chores done, and thought I should be able to drive a tractor… phffft I climbed up in the seat as my siblings tried to tell me I didn’t have any idea what I was doing.. I pushed down what I thought was the clutch said you better get out of my way so I can get the chores done and throttled up and turned the key… I didn’t have my foot on the clutch I had it on the brake.. the tractor roared to life and spun the rear tires off as it turned in circles…

I was around 16 and couldn’t seem to do anything right, I was always being ridiculed and being told I was dumb, (the grades) , lazy, …
So I decided if I mucked out the barn… Dad might go easy on me…the next round of beatings… it was right after my brother got mad at me for something stupid and hit me hard enough to leave bruises.. when my stepmother saw them she confronted him because he was the one with a bad temper.. during the confrontation my brother slapped her and was immediately kicked out… I took the blame for that and was beating myself with it…
So there I am in the barn mucking it out.. and the cramps of being female began.. oh great!
So I began to cry, turned up the radio, and continued to move shit out of the barn… There is a bull and two cows in the pen milling around when I look up and my Dad says “ GET OUT” So then I burst into full fledge balling, and say “ Why cant I eve
Dad came flying over the 7 foot steel fence grabbed the shovel out of my hands pushed me into the feeding trough and swung the shovel which resounded off the bulls head with a clang Ill never forget… I scrambled out of the pen as I finished saying “do anything right?”
He climbed out and said “Are you on your period?” As I looked back at the fully engorged bull staring at me..
“Don’t come in the barn on your period go to the house”

Would have been a good time for the birds and the bees talk….
From then on…
I could never bring myself to go around any animals that were larger than a toaster…
And it was never discussed further…

Ok..so now where was I?

Yep that’s how I remember that meeting all that stuff was trying to go through my head.. I don’t think I thought about all of them until after she left but.. enough to make me cry when my childhood had been labeled as normal…

So there I am sitting there crying when she began to relate my failures.. or at least what she deemed as my failures.. which, by the way I hadn’t considered as failures but ate the title like Jam on toast..

I had illegitimate children and was an embarrassment to the family.. I already knew that from when I got an award for carrying a 4.0 average for two years…and the article also included the fact that I had been homeless.. instead of being proud of me they were embarrassed.
I had gotten a 3500 dollar budget to explore a home sharing proposal. One I had developed and researched and wrote the proposal for. I abandoned .. no I chose to give the money back to the United Way minus the 10 dollars I had spent on stamps because I was going to school full time and nearing the end of a two year degree, liberal arts or more aptly named prerequisite art.. I was going to Ferris for a degree In Ornamental Horticulture and I needed to concentrate on moving my family. It was a good choice, and I gave the research I had done to the United Way in the hopes someone else could pursue it. While I came to that decision I pictured a failure, I struggled with my emotions, dealt with my sons dying father who met him for the first time in Alabama the semester before… until the mentors at H.O.M.E (Helping Ourselves Means Employment/Education) and Staff of a homeless shelter I had volunteered with for three years, helped me sort those feelings out.. Surprised that I couldn’t touch the pride I should have felt in coming as far as I had with it…

Before she could continue listing anymore of my failures I stopped the interview by leaving.. when the therapist found me he hugged me and said “ Boy no wonder you felt like a failure… you have heard that your whole life haven’t you?

I have to keep telling myself I wasn’t a failure.. I made do with the skill set I had.. and it depends on who is looking at it … they cant make a judgment… not without knowing the facts.

But the crux of the issue is my telling myself I’ve failed.. I still struggle with it..

Tonight I read this:

“When you question the validity of failure as a legitimate concept, you begin to experience the magic of non attachment, one of the greatest gifts life has to offer. Before I go on let me assure you that nonattachment has nothing to do with not caring or being apathetic. Instead, it’s about doing your best, putting the odds in your favor, working hard towards your goals—but simultaneously letting go of the results. You become more involved in the process, but less attached to the fruits of your labor. You still want things to go your way, but your not dependant on it for your survival or peace of mind. You lose all sense of desperation, replacing it with gentle confidence.”
What About the Big Stuff Finding Strength and Moving Forward When the Stakes are High
Richard Carlson, Ph.D

When I try to let go of the results.. I go through everything attached to how I started thinking I was a failure… it’s a constant battle.. but one worth fighting for.

Assignment

Posted here: http://shell-shellssea.blogspot.com/

Recovery Within

I titled this segment recovery within because these episodes of extreme stress is ultimately inside the recovery from the PTSD. I've come a long way from my diagnosis in 2001. I've had several people suggest that I should put on my airmask like that of the jet going down in flames. I did that already when I went to the therapist. I've actually been wearing the mask since I checked myself into a psych unit back in 96 it was there that I learned I was stronger than this disorder. I have learned my limits and continue to test myself against them.. someday I hope to be able to stay ahead of the crash. Until then I'm not afraid to look for help. My psych suggested benedryl to help me sleep, rather than going to the "big guns" (medication) I haven't yet resorted to that. My body made me sleep the other day for around 17 hours. When I woke up at 5 in the afternoon I felt nautious and had extreme pain in my lower back, I slept crooked since I was so tired I probably layed the same way for a long time. So I layed on the floor and called my son with the two way radio he gave me. He told me that he will be undergoing surgery on his back and that the neuro is trying to help him get disibility. I have no idea if he is telling the truth or not. I hate that I doubt him, but will be there if in fact he does have surgery.
The kids have moved to another drama situation but I'm trusting God to look out for them. Still wearing the mask still getting a little air, still waiting for the plane to right itself. One day at a time.

No Pills and no therapy.. made it for a year and a half.

I moved into my apartment the December following the last trip to Wrightsville. A small studio with a subsidy. By small I mean around 12 foot square. Enough room for my little kitchenette and a bed a small table and a shelf for my craft supplies. Spending my days crafting and surfing the Internet when I had enough money to go to coffee shops or was lucky enough to catch a signal.
I visited my grand kids as often as I could, the youngest was born a year ago July. She is adorable despite living in a shelter the first 5 months of her life. the promise I made myself in 2005 was a declaration of the things that I had identified as being things that made it hard for me to function. It still holds true. Dysfunction makes me dysfunction.
What made it harder was the fact that the only real dysfunction I encountered was that of my own child. He is hardly a child he turned 26 this year. I posted blogs on my tribe profile in the past year. http://people.tribe.net/620c3482-40a1-4231-9f0e-6218d0f4ec55/blog
I like tribe and it's interactive community. Stayed plugged into what I was feeling and even made a few friends along the way. I got to go catch Bob Seger's Face the Promise tour in his opening concert here in Grand Rapids. You can see the pictures here: http://s57.photobucket.com/albums/g236/electricseashelly/?start=40 . I met up with a dozen Segernet.com members, including the owner Eric Verona, and the writer of the Segerfile.com Scott Sparling.
I took thousands of pictures in the year and a half some good some not lol but I have a great time looking for opportunities, I usually carry my camera wherever I go. You can catch my photo's now on my Picasa albums and of course I choose my favorites to post here :A Journey to Self through pictures
I also have a myspace.. but don't use it much.
Without rehashing the events of the last couple months let's just say I was triggered and moved into a one bedroom apartment. I spent the last week not sleeping except very short naps, not being able to eat much, craving sweets or maybe just wanting to stuff it had I had money I probably would have tried to satisfy those cravings. ( I eat my way out of stress sometimes) I started seeing a therapist about 4 weeks ago, he agreed to not make me rehash the stuff I've documented here which is cool, I knew I was in trouble when I went to him trying to tell the whole story before dealing with what is happening now would only take longer to get back on track. He agreed to come here and read it so we could stay in the present. THANK YOU
He also suggested I come and write again.. so here I am. :)
Of course I'm not all better or anything but as usual I reached out for help when I needed it. "Atta Girl"
I have these thoughts running through my head:
"son of a bitch here we go again"
"I need to protect my grand kids"
" I feel guilty and have regrets about some of the things that happened to me and my kids when I raised them alone"
"Shell you did the best you can with what you had at the time"
"I am treating my son like my parents did me, not respecting and trusting him"
" My son has lied and made some bad choices"
" I made a ton of bad choices when I was his age"
of course there's plenty more... some of them are self bashing, which only hurts me, so I need to identify them as such and change it to acceptance. I did what I could do with the skill set I had. then tell myself that my son too is doing the best he can with the skill set he has.. I need to tell myself that even if it might not be true, I just don't know what to think about where he is concerned. He tried to use my PTSD against me in the last few weeks. He was upset with me for contacting CPS. I forgive him for it and recognize where it came from. I also respect my decision to contact CPS it was the right thing to do given what's happened.
I found a card I gave to myself when I started this journey, when I was going through the kids pictures that I have , they looked happy and they were.
Sometimes in those pictures we were going through some stuff that I thought would scar them. I wonder if pictures existed of me when I was a kid if I would be looking happy or was I wearing a tortured face? Since I had repressed the memories I suppose I looked like they did...anyway I copied what the card said and my daughter and I are going to put it on a poster so I can see it more often and remind myself just how far I've come.

You probably feel like the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders right now,
And if you move the wrong way,
It’s going to come crashing down.
That has to be an exhausting feeling,
And I wish the load didn’t have to be so heavy.
But I want you to know I admire the way
You keep going and doing,
what has to be done.
You might be thinking
What choice do I have?
But there are many who would'nt be able
To hold up under your circumstances
Who would'nt have your inner strength
or convictions for doing the right thing.
I hope there will be pockets of time
When you can find some relief and rest
I hope you make every effort to take care of yourself,
Because you’re a good person,
And you’re very special to many people.
Please count me as one of them.
Kay Andrew
( It was a Hallmark card : Thank you Kay for the send off on my Journey and the reminder that I am a good person and special p.s If anyone knows how to send the thank you to her personally I would love to hear from you.)

Linking my blogs

In moving this blog to new blogger I encountered some snafu's but made it here with underdog LOL

anyway I created a new blog in the process which mirrored this one but now its going to be a Journey to self, through pictures.. check it out.. I'm an amature photographer at best but it's become a great way for me to relax.

I've even started making videos which is a lot of fun.

Please feel free to comment on either blog. or not.. :) Happy Blogging!

http://shell-shellssea.blogspot.com/

It Worked I'm here

Attempting to transfer

Please work
Ive cleared cache and cookies
enabled what I was supposed to..
already have my google account...
deleted all the members so it wont search for them.. here goes nuttin

Flyfree Michelle
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Michelle
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