In moving this blog to new blogger I encountered some snafu's but made it here with underdog LOL
anyway I created a new blog in the process which mirrored this one but now its going to be a Journey to self, through pictures.. check it out.. I'm an amature photographer at best but it's become a great way for me to relax.
I've even started making videos which is a lot of fun.
Please feel free to comment on either blog. or not.. :) Happy Blogging!
http://shell-shellssea.blogspot.com/
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Attempting to transfer
Please work
Ive cleared cache and cookies
enabled what I was supposed to..
already have my google account...
deleted all the members so it wont search for them.. here goes nuttin
Ive cleared cache and cookies
enabled what I was supposed to..
already have my google account...
deleted all the members so it wont search for them.. here goes nuttin
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Hey friends,
I am back in Michigan as some of you know I went to North Carolina again. I was running, I knew it on some levels. I had convinced myself that I wasn't but I felt like I had lost all that I had gained. I couldn't face another holiday hiding from my family and all the emotions.
In North Carolina I found a shelter to stay in right away I asked God to help me figure it out. I went to the Union Baptist Church, which was the shelters benifactor. I went to bible study as well. I'm not sure if I mentioned this at any time in the blog, but I was raised a Catholic. Front pew every sunday but angry, resentful and stuck. I believed in God but couldn't understand why if he loved me I was without my mom, why I was getting beat at home every night, why my stepmother hated me.... I also could see that the beauty in the world that I see so readily, sunsets, mountain tops, the birds singing, spring flowers, my children....had to come from an awesome God. I like to believe that even though I have sinned that I could go to heaven, but I heard the negative self talk that crippling inner voice repeating that I would never amount to anything...and the eucharist plea " Lord, I am not worthy to recieve you, only say the word and I will be healed."
What happenend this time, is nothing short of unbelievable? I'm still having a hard time putting a handle on all of it. I kept going back to the scripture put the armor on and walk with the lord. It didn't make much sense to me at the time, I also had the house manager telling me when I needed it to be quiet and I would hear what he had to say. I am one of those people who has a hard time shutting down thier brains. I'm always thinking about things, how I can make them better, how I could do something, ....but I started telling myself to be quiet especially at night, I was having a hard time sleeping I would wake up with hot flashes (yes I am menopausal lol) But sometimes I would just wake and not know why I was sitting there unable to go back to sleep. Then we had a benifit for funding for the shelter and one of the ladies from the house testified as to what God is doing in her life, she mentioned that she also had trouble being quiet. She is fighting alcoholism and drug addiction, but feels confidant that she can beat it with God's help. I was jealous, that she had found something or someone to count on so furvently. I was introduced to the scripture God is not jealous or boastful....
1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
There's more and I'll be back Love shell
I am back in Michigan as some of you know I went to North Carolina again. I was running, I knew it on some levels. I had convinced myself that I wasn't but I felt like I had lost all that I had gained. I couldn't face another holiday hiding from my family and all the emotions.
In North Carolina I found a shelter to stay in right away I asked God to help me figure it out. I went to the Union Baptist Church, which was the shelters benifactor. I went to bible study as well. I'm not sure if I mentioned this at any time in the blog, but I was raised a Catholic. Front pew every sunday but angry, resentful and stuck. I believed in God but couldn't understand why if he loved me I was without my mom, why I was getting beat at home every night, why my stepmother hated me.... I also could see that the beauty in the world that I see so readily, sunsets, mountain tops, the birds singing, spring flowers, my children....had to come from an awesome God. I like to believe that even though I have sinned that I could go to heaven, but I heard the negative self talk that crippling inner voice repeating that I would never amount to anything...and the eucharist plea " Lord, I am not worthy to recieve you, only say the word and I will be healed."
What happenend this time, is nothing short of unbelievable? I'm still having a hard time putting a handle on all of it. I kept going back to the scripture put the armor on and walk with the lord. It didn't make much sense to me at the time, I also had the house manager telling me when I needed it to be quiet and I would hear what he had to say. I am one of those people who has a hard time shutting down thier brains. I'm always thinking about things, how I can make them better, how I could do something, ....but I started telling myself to be quiet especially at night, I was having a hard time sleeping I would wake up with hot flashes (yes I am menopausal lol) But sometimes I would just wake and not know why I was sitting there unable to go back to sleep. Then we had a benifit for funding for the shelter and one of the ladies from the house testified as to what God is doing in her life, she mentioned that she also had trouble being quiet. She is fighting alcoholism and drug addiction, but feels confidant that she can beat it with God's help. I was jealous, that she had found something or someone to count on so furvently. I was introduced to the scripture God is not jealous or boastful....
1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
There's more and I'll be back Love shell
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Victims come and Victims Go....Bob Seger No Mans Land
No Mans Land Bob Seger
Headin' in or headin' out
Standing on the shore
Pause a moment to reflect
Which trip costs you more
Between the ever restless crowds
And the silence of your room
Spend an hour in no man's land
You'll be leaving soon
Victims come and victims go
There's always lots to spare
One victim lives the tragedy
One victim stops to stare
And still another walks on by
Pretending not to see
They're all out there in no man's land
Cause it's the safest place to be
But sanctuary never comes
Without some kind of risk
Illusions without freedom
Never quite add up to bliss
The haunting and the haunted
Play a game no one can win
The spirits come at midnight
And by dawn they're gone again
And so it seems our destiny
To search and never rest
To ride that ever changing wave
That never seems to crest
To shiver in the darkest night
Afraid to make a stand
And then go back and do our time
Out there in no man's land
I am definitely doing my time in No Mans Land... Once again I am the victim... I left the transitional housing not having figured out why I didn't "fit"
I am actually relieved to not be there... am I afraid to make a stand? Probably so... I went up to Ferris with my daughter for a couple days. I took her niece and nephews with me so she could be an Aunt... then had a picnic with both my kids and the Grand babies. Last night after the grand babies went home my daughter and I had a night of chatting. She wanted to know about her brother and his Dad, and she was trying to sort out some feelings she is currently dealing with regarding her Dad. She wanted to know if feeling bewildered or a little insane was appropriate. It seems that her Step mother who was very abusive to Heather as she grew up was back in her Dads life after they divorced ( I still haven't written about all of that). Now this woman is acting like nothing ever happened and that she is responsible for Heather's art interest and her success at college. I told her no, that I feel the same way about my Dad... the abuse did happen it wasn't a figment of our imaginations, and that abusive people won't admit to the damage they have done. She is also losing her Aunts on her Dads side as they are all considerably older than my side... I wasn't allowed to go to her Grandmothers funeral and she wanted me to be there for her when she loses her favorite Aunt... I assured her I will be there for her... We talked til the wee hours of the morning then I came back down here to GR..
So back to figuring out me:
I make myself the victim: I'm not really sure how I made myself the victim in this circumstance.. Why I was accepted into the program and suddenly after two weeks one of which my case manager was gone for... I suddenly didn't "fit"
I do know I self sabotaged... Instead of speaking up about the housing money and why I didn't want to pay that bill, when it doesn't show up on a credit report...
Note to self Pay what is on that report...
I do know I am stuck on that "not fitting" The potential to self abuse is there... Let it go...
I fought the urge to just run for longer than I ever have... the kids know that is why we moved so much when they were kids... when I didn't feel "safe" we moved...
but that was only part of the time... the others were more a result of being a single parent and bad cars and sick kids... I still am not running but I am still trying to process the current situation. So I need to give myself an Atta Girl here.
I'm following through with the housing leads I have and if I can't figure something out by the end of the month, I have a friend who needs an advocate... the problem there is... will I be repeating the rescue someone else so I don't have to deal with me... or can I separate the need for winter housing... more thinking time is available before I take that step but Identifying that potential is another Atta Girl for me...
Headin' in or headin' out
Standing on the shore
Pause a moment to reflect
Which trip costs you more
Between the ever restless crowds
And the silence of your room
Spend an hour in no man's land
You'll be leaving soon
Victims come and victims go
There's always lots to spare
One victim lives the tragedy
One victim stops to stare
And still another walks on by
Pretending not to see
They're all out there in no man's land
Cause it's the safest place to be
But sanctuary never comes
Without some kind of risk
Illusions without freedom
Never quite add up to bliss
The haunting and the haunted
Play a game no one can win
The spirits come at midnight
And by dawn they're gone again
And so it seems our destiny
To search and never rest
To ride that ever changing wave
That never seems to crest
To shiver in the darkest night
Afraid to make a stand
And then go back and do our time
Out there in no man's land
I am definitely doing my time in No Mans Land... Once again I am the victim... I left the transitional housing not having figured out why I didn't "fit"
I am actually relieved to not be there... am I afraid to make a stand? Probably so... I went up to Ferris with my daughter for a couple days. I took her niece and nephews with me so she could be an Aunt... then had a picnic with both my kids and the Grand babies. Last night after the grand babies went home my daughter and I had a night of chatting. She wanted to know about her brother and his Dad, and she was trying to sort out some feelings she is currently dealing with regarding her Dad. She wanted to know if feeling bewildered or a little insane was appropriate. It seems that her Step mother who was very abusive to Heather as she grew up was back in her Dads life after they divorced ( I still haven't written about all of that). Now this woman is acting like nothing ever happened and that she is responsible for Heather's art interest and her success at college. I told her no, that I feel the same way about my Dad... the abuse did happen it wasn't a figment of our imaginations, and that abusive people won't admit to the damage they have done. She is also losing her Aunts on her Dads side as they are all considerably older than my side... I wasn't allowed to go to her Grandmothers funeral and she wanted me to be there for her when she loses her favorite Aunt... I assured her I will be there for her... We talked til the wee hours of the morning then I came back down here to GR..
So back to figuring out me:
I make myself the victim: I'm not really sure how I made myself the victim in this circumstance.. Why I was accepted into the program and suddenly after two weeks one of which my case manager was gone for... I suddenly didn't "fit"
I do know I self sabotaged... Instead of speaking up about the housing money and why I didn't want to pay that bill, when it doesn't show up on a credit report...
Note to self Pay what is on that report...
I do know I am stuck on that "not fitting" The potential to self abuse is there... Let it go...
I fought the urge to just run for longer than I ever have... the kids know that is why we moved so much when they were kids... when I didn't feel "safe" we moved...
but that was only part of the time... the others were more a result of being a single parent and bad cars and sick kids... I still am not running but I am still trying to process the current situation. So I need to give myself an Atta Girl here.
I'm following through with the housing leads I have and if I can't figure something out by the end of the month, I have a friend who needs an advocate... the problem there is... will I be repeating the rescue someone else so I don't have to deal with me... or can I separate the need for winter housing... more thinking time is available before I take that step but Identifying that potential is another Atta Girl for me...
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
All who wander are not lost..JRR. Tolkien
Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm
I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I haven't posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...Always the rescuer heh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..Then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...Then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...Her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsened as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...Where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultrum for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.
At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...
Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...And IM resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...That I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...They have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...Doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? Or drug users? Or people who have trouble staying in one place?
*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.
posted by Shell at 11:06 PM
Monday July 25th 2005
There is no program that "fits" me unless I checked myself into a hospital that deals with the disorder. I don't feel like I need to be hospitalized . I can leave this situation and get another one...or can I fight the bureaucracy and get an advocate to help me through this particular crisis..I feel frozen I cant make a rational decision...There's just too much going on....So I am going to break it down and see if I can't figure it out...
Tuesday July 26th
I am fighting myself to stay put..I get my disability check next Monday...My mind is screaming at me to just pack up and head on out...Anything would be better than feeling like I failed myself yet again....I have not begun to pack...As I am trying really hard to figure out a rational response to the latest...Ok so I need to write down everything that has happened thus far...So here it goes..
I moved into My Sisters House, thinking that it would be a safe place for me to work things out, find out what is on my credit report and pay some of the bills so I can rebuild my credit. The only current bill I had was to SBC for my phone (internet) which I shut off when I left Big Rapids. I was told that I could get a phone after 90 days. So I wanted to pay that off. My case manager said I shouldn't pay any bills until we discussed it, and went on vacation. When I got the first check in the house I spent some of it on my kids...Tony is raising 4 kids so I bought the grand babies some shoes and an outfit...I spent around 50 dollars on Heather for school supplies she is a graphic artist living as a non traditional student in the dorms..(everything she owns is in her room that is shared by another student) her space is very limited. since I have been homeless for over a year I have not been able to do anything for either of them. They are my life...the kids are what kept me going for years. I am in menopause suffering from empty nest syndrome without a nest...lol
So my case manager comes back from vacation and was upset with me for spending money on the kids, and said to hang onto the money the next month. I again asked her if I could pay on the phone bill she said no. In the house there is a pay phone in the hall way that is community and had a posted 5 minutes per day phone limit, which was not followed by any residents...One in particular would tie up the phone for hours. I didn't get messages from my kids or the resources I was linking to. So the next month I went and bought a cell phone, I had to place a 125 dollar deposit on it. And it cost 125 dollars for the first month and activation. I did not ask permission. Each time I asked to discuss where my money should be going I was looking for feedback so I could make the decision. This is where we (case manager and I) started butting heads. Instead of discussing anything that I was doing it was like I was a little kid in the darn whipping line. So I bought what I wanted screw it my rent was 180 bucks and I could spend the money anyway I chose. (Self sabotage) Because I want to fix the situation I am in....The case manager had already made up her mind that I didn't "fit" ......*sigh
Since I made a purchase that was determined by my credit history I requested the copy of the credit report used. I showed the paper work to my case manager and she signed it and sent it out after I changed my address on my license, which I did the next day. Ok the time line on all this is a little fuzzy....
I got a counselor at cherry Street Clinic
A physician at St, Marys Clinic
I got wrote up for having my kids over on Mothers Day as it fell on a weekend and I didn't get prior authorization...The kids didn't even know if they could make it until Saturday night....And I could not have seen them all if I didn't watch the twins in the morning. Tony went to pick up my grandson from visitation and his sister (my daughter) from her dads, there would not have been enough room in the van for all of them.
I got wrote up for missing a curriculum class..They changed the address of meeting places..I was not informed of where it would be...So I went to the wrong place.
I got wrote up for not having a full 20 hours in for volunteering I was called a liar about my disabilities as I don't look sick and the first volunteer position I had was too physical, sorting cloths for In The Image, and I fell on the sidewalk....And a paper the case manager received from my doctor said "Patient states she has PTSD" so she assumed I had self diagnosed after being given a copy of this blogger.
I got the fourth write up for missing a case manager meeting when I was up all night the night before with what the doctor thought might have been appendicitis....I was then asked to sign a 60 day contract...More later..I'm tired
Thursday July 28th
Self sabotage
1. I live with other people so I don't have to be alone with myself
2.When someone in authority tells me I have to do something I rebel and do the complete opposite...comes from my immature coping skills..I did it with my Dad if I was going to get beaten I was going to deserve it.
3. I live in the cycle of abuse...I surround myself with dysfunctional people- co-dependent
4. Negative self talk interrupts the positives.
...
While all the above was going on I started developing a fund raising event for a program here called Shepherds of Independance...it is on hold as I haven't come to a decision...and don't know when I can fix this....
Saturday July 30, 2005
I am exhausted, today I slept until 4 in the afternoon..it will be hard to sleep tonight... I applied to a few apartment complexes to appease my case manager but I skipped last weeks meeting with her...I don't want to make any rash decisions and I don't feel like arguing my points because they don't seem to matter anyway. I have had several offers from friends on line to come and stay with them..but I know in my heart that I need to work this out alone. I also know that running away isn't the answer either. Yesterday my daughter stopped at the house and brought me a very early birthday present. She was on her way to Canada with her college friends. Her present was a lavender pillow like I had given to her last year, you lay it over your eyes and the smell of the lavender and the darkness helps to bring on sleep. She also put some bath salts in it which was for muscle relaxation. She designed and made the card and we reminisced about her art maturity...She has developed a professional attitude about her art I do believe she will go far. She also supports anything I choose to do, and wants to speak with the case manager before I leave as she feels like they are doing me a huge disservice by asking me to leave. Well it's 10:30 and I need to walk home so I'll say goodnight and I'll try and write some at home...til then Peace Shell
Sunday July 30th
(:45
I get my check tommorrow, I think I'm just going to take off somewhere anywhere...I can't do this desicion stuff...I still don't have a home my heart is in a million pieces everyone thinks I am this strong person with goals and ambitions what they don't see is just how messy the real me is. I was told by the latest therapist that I would have this PTSD forever it isnt going away I cant make it go away either...Shit I can't even figure out that I just needed to pay bills...is that why I didn't "fit" ? I have known for a long time that I don't "fit" ... I am a puzzle with too many pieces missing to ever make a whole picture... Uncle
I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I haven't posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...Always the rescuer heh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..Then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...Then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...Her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsened as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...Where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultrum for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.
At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...
Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...And IM resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...That I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...They have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...Doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? Or drug users? Or people who have trouble staying in one place?
*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.
posted by Shell at 11:06 PM
Monday July 25th 2005
There is no program that "fits" me unless I checked myself into a hospital that deals with the disorder. I don't feel like I need to be hospitalized . I can leave this situation and get another one...or can I fight the bureaucracy and get an advocate to help me through this particular crisis..I feel frozen I cant make a rational decision...There's just too much going on....So I am going to break it down and see if I can't figure it out...
Tuesday July 26th
I am fighting myself to stay put..I get my disability check next Monday...My mind is screaming at me to just pack up and head on out...Anything would be better than feeling like I failed myself yet again....I have not begun to pack...As I am trying really hard to figure out a rational response to the latest...Ok so I need to write down everything that has happened thus far...So here it goes..
I moved into My Sisters House, thinking that it would be a safe place for me to work things out, find out what is on my credit report and pay some of the bills so I can rebuild my credit. The only current bill I had was to SBC for my phone (internet) which I shut off when I left Big Rapids. I was told that I could get a phone after 90 days. So I wanted to pay that off. My case manager said I shouldn't pay any bills until we discussed it, and went on vacation. When I got the first check in the house I spent some of it on my kids...Tony is raising 4 kids so I bought the grand babies some shoes and an outfit...I spent around 50 dollars on Heather for school supplies she is a graphic artist living as a non traditional student in the dorms..(everything she owns is in her room that is shared by another student) her space is very limited. since I have been homeless for over a year I have not been able to do anything for either of them. They are my life...the kids are what kept me going for years. I am in menopause suffering from empty nest syndrome without a nest...lol
So my case manager comes back from vacation and was upset with me for spending money on the kids, and said to hang onto the money the next month. I again asked her if I could pay on the phone bill she said no. In the house there is a pay phone in the hall way that is community and had a posted 5 minutes per day phone limit, which was not followed by any residents...One in particular would tie up the phone for hours. I didn't get messages from my kids or the resources I was linking to. So the next month I went and bought a cell phone, I had to place a 125 dollar deposit on it. And it cost 125 dollars for the first month and activation. I did not ask permission. Each time I asked to discuss where my money should be going I was looking for feedback so I could make the decision. This is where we (case manager and I) started butting heads. Instead of discussing anything that I was doing it was like I was a little kid in the darn whipping line. So I bought what I wanted screw it my rent was 180 bucks and I could spend the money anyway I chose. (Self sabotage) Because I want to fix the situation I am in....The case manager had already made up her mind that I didn't "fit" ......*sigh
Since I made a purchase that was determined by my credit history I requested the copy of the credit report used. I showed the paper work to my case manager and she signed it and sent it out after I changed my address on my license, which I did the next day. Ok the time line on all this is a little fuzzy....
I got a counselor at cherry Street Clinic
A physician at St, Marys Clinic
I got wrote up for having my kids over on Mothers Day as it fell on a weekend and I didn't get prior authorization...The kids didn't even know if they could make it until Saturday night....And I could not have seen them all if I didn't watch the twins in the morning. Tony went to pick up my grandson from visitation and his sister (my daughter) from her dads, there would not have been enough room in the van for all of them.
I got wrote up for missing a curriculum class..They changed the address of meeting places..I was not informed of where it would be...So I went to the wrong place.
I got wrote up for not having a full 20 hours in for volunteering I was called a liar about my disabilities as I don't look sick and the first volunteer position I had was too physical, sorting cloths for In The Image, and I fell on the sidewalk....And a paper the case manager received from my doctor said "Patient states she has PTSD" so she assumed I had self diagnosed after being given a copy of this blogger.
I got the fourth write up for missing a case manager meeting when I was up all night the night before with what the doctor thought might have been appendicitis....I was then asked to sign a 60 day contract...More later..I'm tired
Thursday July 28th
Self sabotage
1. I live with other people so I don't have to be alone with myself
2.When someone in authority tells me I have to do something I rebel and do the complete opposite...comes from my immature coping skills..I did it with my Dad if I was going to get beaten I was going to deserve it.
3. I live in the cycle of abuse...I surround myself with dysfunctional people- co-dependent
4. Negative self talk interrupts the positives.
...
While all the above was going on I started developing a fund raising event for a program here called Shepherds of Independance...it is on hold as I haven't come to a decision...and don't know when I can fix this....
Saturday July 30, 2005
I am exhausted, today I slept until 4 in the afternoon..it will be hard to sleep tonight... I applied to a few apartment complexes to appease my case manager but I skipped last weeks meeting with her...I don't want to make any rash decisions and I don't feel like arguing my points because they don't seem to matter anyway. I have had several offers from friends on line to come and stay with them..but I know in my heart that I need to work this out alone. I also know that running away isn't the answer either. Yesterday my daughter stopped at the house and brought me a very early birthday present. She was on her way to Canada with her college friends. Her present was a lavender pillow like I had given to her last year, you lay it over your eyes and the smell of the lavender and the darkness helps to bring on sleep. She also put some bath salts in it which was for muscle relaxation. She designed and made the card and we reminisced about her art maturity...She has developed a professional attitude about her art I do believe she will go far. She also supports anything I choose to do, and wants to speak with the case manager before I leave as she feels like they are doing me a huge disservice by asking me to leave. Well it's 10:30 and I need to walk home so I'll say goodnight and I'll try and write some at home...til then Peace Shell
Sunday July 30th
(:45
I get my check tommorrow, I think I'm just going to take off somewhere anywhere...I can't do this desicion stuff...I still don't have a home my heart is in a million pieces everyone thinks I am this strong person with goals and ambitions what they don't see is just how messy the real me is. I was told by the latest therapist that I would have this PTSD forever it isnt going away I cant make it go away either...Shit I can't even figure out that I just needed to pay bills...is that why I didn't "fit" ? I have known for a long time that I don't "fit" ... I am a puzzle with too many pieces missing to ever make a whole picture... Uncle
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Welcome 2005
Welcome
If you have PTSD then you are already living in hell.
A very dear friend of mine said:
"It's not about the Destination it's all about the Journey"
" If you feel like your going through hell...well my friends that's not the place to stop."
I wholeheartedly agree.
PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder what is it?
How did I get it?
Do I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?
The chaos I create just keeps going, it's a vicious cycle... I want to get off this merry-go-round.
My adventure started long before PTSD was even recognized as a disorder. I was not a service (vietnam) related PTSD as it has been commonly referred to. I was traumatized as a child with the death of my mother, and then later by abusive men. My responses to stress is often compounded by the miscued thinking patterns developed as a coping mechanism. It is my hope to publish my story and my recovery attempts here, to help anyone else who may be in the same situation.
I am currently homeless once again living in Grand Rapids Michigan, I am trying to get into a transitional housing program so I can repair my credit so I can qualify for subsidized housing before I end up a bag lady. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I work towards the new goal. Thanks Shell
If you have PTSD then you are already living in hell.
A very dear friend of mine said:
"It's not about the Destination it's all about the Journey"
" If you feel like your going through hell...well my friends that's not the place to stop."
I wholeheartedly agree.
PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder what is it?
How did I get it?
Do I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?
The chaos I create just keeps going, it's a vicious cycle... I want to get off this merry-go-round.
My adventure started long before PTSD was even recognized as a disorder. I was not a service (vietnam) related PTSD as it has been commonly referred to. I was traumatized as a child with the death of my mother, and then later by abusive men. My responses to stress is often compounded by the miscued thinking patterns developed as a coping mechanism. It is my hope to publish my story and my recovery attempts here, to help anyone else who may be in the same situation.
I am currently homeless once again living in Grand Rapids Michigan, I am trying to get into a transitional housing program so I can repair my credit so I can qualify for subsidized housing before I end up a bag lady. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I work towards the new goal. Thanks Shell
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Happy Thanksgiving
Wow...I have a lot to be Thankful for... I got to go on an incredible Journey ...A Journey to Self it may seem like a short Journey to you but I still don't remember the first 9 years of my life. I do NOT want to open that Pandora's Box.
It may happen and God help me when it does... The knowledge that I still have something in my past that my brain couldn't handle back then, is the catalyst to figure out who I really am. Knowledge is key for me to not take drugs...I am not on any medications... I need to bear with the pain or be doped up on drugs that are popping up on list of suits involving recalls/ dangerous drugs...Vioxx, Bextra, Celebrex, Neurontin, Oxycontin, those are the names of the drugs I know they gave me the physicians I mean... I really do feel like a guinea pig....
I'm no longer trying to help my friend, I've been up here for a couple weeks now...And still have stress in my life...My days and night's are all screwed up I left there in a panic mode. My friend is setting himself up to lose everything... But can't see beyond the alcoholic nightmare he lives in. I'm not going to feel bad about my choice to leave. That was the wisest choice for me. I do feel awful, gut wrenching awful that I can't help my friend... It was much too dangerous living there.... So I am functioning in classic PTSD form... I do have several friends at the moment who I can count on to talk me through some things... So anyway it is time for me to get back into this... This healing of me through writing...Til the next time Happy Thanksgiving and have a Blessed Day
It may happen and God help me when it does... The knowledge that I still have something in my past that my brain couldn't handle back then, is the catalyst to figure out who I really am. Knowledge is key for me to not take drugs...I am not on any medications... I need to bear with the pain or be doped up on drugs that are popping up on list of suits involving recalls/ dangerous drugs...Vioxx, Bextra, Celebrex, Neurontin, Oxycontin, those are the names of the drugs I know they gave me the physicians I mean... I really do feel like a guinea pig....
I'm no longer trying to help my friend, I've been up here for a couple weeks now...And still have stress in my life...My days and night's are all screwed up I left there in a panic mode. My friend is setting himself up to lose everything... But can't see beyond the alcoholic nightmare he lives in. I'm not going to feel bad about my choice to leave. That was the wisest choice for me. I do feel awful, gut wrenching awful that I can't help my friend... It was much too dangerous living there.... So I am functioning in classic PTSD form... I do have several friends at the moment who I can count on to talk me through some things... So anyway it is time for me to get back into this... This healing of me through writing...Til the next time Happy Thanksgiving and have a Blessed Day
Monday, November 15, 2004
Hi, Friends
Today is well... It's another day in the life of PTSD....
My daughter bless her heart was disowned by her Power and Control Freak Dad...
It wasn't enough to make me move away from her...He tried to control her when he bought her a phone for college... He reads her mail...Instead of helping his 19 year old child wade through the college paperwork he accuses her of lying...
It's been this way for all of the 19 years, he didn't have control of me so he used her in a power struggle dragging me to court telling her to be careful or she would end up like me fat and lazy. She is an artist and a very talented one at that... But to get her Dad to support her emotionally is like trying to pull teeth from a tiger...Yah might as well get the stitches first.
On to the second latest thing...I was living with a friend trying to help him help himself with his PTSD...He wasn't ready...His life style would need to change in order for him to heal and he would rather drink himself to death. I moved back to the town my daughter is in so I can keep in touch with her more closely...The kids have been so important in my life for the last 23 years, I need to be connected to them...Even though they are starting their own lives they appreciate the sacrifices I made for them and have recently let me know that they recognize those sacrifices.
I'm really tired of the chaos this disorder brings to the table...I just don't seem to have control.
I'm still not on any medications none for my chronic pain and none for depression...I'm still a resident of Alabama with Alabama Medicaid, that I can't use...And a bank account that was drained by the drunks at my friends house...I need to stop procrastinating and fix it so this week that is the plan get back on track with everything...So for now Peace... And keep me in your prayers...Shell
Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm
I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I havent posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...always the rescuer eh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsend as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultram for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.
At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...
Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...and I'm resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...that I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...they have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? or drug users? or people who have trouble staying in one place?
*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.
My daughter bless her heart was disowned by her Power and Control Freak Dad...
It wasn't enough to make me move away from her...He tried to control her when he bought her a phone for college... He reads her mail...Instead of helping his 19 year old child wade through the college paperwork he accuses her of lying...
It's been this way for all of the 19 years, he didn't have control of me so he used her in a power struggle dragging me to court telling her to be careful or she would end up like me fat and lazy. She is an artist and a very talented one at that... But to get her Dad to support her emotionally is like trying to pull teeth from a tiger...Yah might as well get the stitches first.
On to the second latest thing...I was living with a friend trying to help him help himself with his PTSD...He wasn't ready...His life style would need to change in order for him to heal and he would rather drink himself to death. I moved back to the town my daughter is in so I can keep in touch with her more closely...The kids have been so important in my life for the last 23 years, I need to be connected to them...Even though they are starting their own lives they appreciate the sacrifices I made for them and have recently let me know that they recognize those sacrifices.
I'm really tired of the chaos this disorder brings to the table...I just don't seem to have control.
I'm still not on any medications none for my chronic pain and none for depression...I'm still a resident of Alabama with Alabama Medicaid, that I can't use...And a bank account that was drained by the drunks at my friends house...I need to stop procrastinating and fix it so this week that is the plan get back on track with everything...So for now Peace... And keep me in your prayers...Shell
Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm
I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I havent posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...always the rescuer eh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsend as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultram for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.
At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...
Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...and I'm resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...that I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...they have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? or drug users? or people who have trouble staying in one place?
*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Hi, Friends
Hi,
I'm sitting still for the moment, I am back in Michigan. I am the assistant manager to my Chronic Pain Site if you have chronic pain it's a great place for support. I have been off medication for almost two months. My mood is fragile, in that the slightest things sometimes makes me cry. I am going to see my therapist soon, at the Sundance Center for Equine therapy.
I have agreed to stay here at my friends house while he is admitted to the VA hospital for a 90 day program. He has Vietnam related PTSD and can't seem to deal with the pain let alone identify how to fix it. His military records are incomplete lost in the bizarre record keeping practices of Vietnam. As with some PTSD sufferers he creates Chaos in his life to keep the dreams and memories at bay. He drinks heavily as well. Which doesn't make a good combination for the people who surround him. He is a deadly weapon ready to explode. So for the time being I am trying to keep on top of my PTSD and help a fellow sufferer in the process. I got some great pictures on my trips and will soon try to update them...Much Love Shell
I'm sitting still for the moment, I am back in Michigan. I am the assistant manager to my Chronic Pain Site if you have chronic pain it's a great place for support. I have been off medication for almost two months. My mood is fragile, in that the slightest things sometimes makes me cry. I am going to see my therapist soon, at the Sundance Center for Equine therapy.
I have agreed to stay here at my friends house while he is admitted to the VA hospital for a 90 day program. He has Vietnam related PTSD and can't seem to deal with the pain let alone identify how to fix it. His military records are incomplete lost in the bizarre record keeping practices of Vietnam. As with some PTSD sufferers he creates Chaos in his life to keep the dreams and memories at bay. He drinks heavily as well. Which doesn't make a good combination for the people who surround him. He is a deadly weapon ready to explode. So for the time being I am trying to keep on top of my PTSD and help a fellow sufferer in the process. I got some great pictures on my trips and will soon try to update them...Much Love Shell
Thursday, August 26, 2004
It's been a while
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Hi Friends,
I know I haven't posted in a while, I apologize. I have been very comfortable here at my friends and have dealt with a lot of emotional stuff. I also visited with some of my friends. My daughter is all set for college, other than moving into the dorm. My sons baby is due any day, and I'm ready for the second leg of my Journey. Taking baby steps and reading, I am going to be fine. I'll be absent for a bit, please keep me in your prayers.
Flying Fretless
Ever she flies past lifes open flames
like the wind swift and true
she soars over mountains
just hoping to catch the view
the light of steel blue casts glitter to her wing
the music guides her
straight and true
onward and upward
to the heavens she soars
she's got the mood
she's in the groove
can't touch down
or stay around
if you see her say good bye
she's flyin past lifes open flames
on her way to catch the view...
Michelle Hazard 5/11/03
I am planning on starting a new feature to my blogger, I have a few friends who can write creatively and I would like to get back into it maybe write a collaberative effort...Watch for it...Love Shell
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer
Sunday. July 7 2004 Sent to mail...8/21
“You have to say it to believe it” + me = recovery
I began this week by reading from a book a friend gave me, since I began my Journey with a book and I was reminded to seek clarity. I even stayed in a mission , and attended services and read from the bible. Heard a number of speakers come, who seemed to speak to me, and friends and aquaintences have each given me some sort of reading material. So I am not surprised that my friend gave me this one, I think I am ready to heal. The title is “Beauty For Ashes” by Joyce Meyer (link)
I havent gotten very far into the book I am on page 49…but the topic is “ receiving emotional healing” I can now identify things that make up the disorder at least in my case. I catch myself all the time being my own worst abuser I have to fix that part of me by: “receiving emotional healing” In the book she descibes her life so far as one which mirrors me, but for a few minor exceptions. She describes my inability to love because I don’t know what it is…She describes my guilt and shame….and again I am only on page 49 because I am amazed that I am not alone, there is someone else in this world who is on the road to recovery. Through Jesus “ all things are possible”. (quote)
I am in a panic mode, so I need to calm down.
I don’t have to run off to the beach , but I can go if I choose to go there.
I can stay here because I am house sitting for a friend when she leaves on vacation next week
Kid is ready for college
Other ones in the oven
Overqualified for a position at a Christian Camp, but underqualified for sharing the true
love of Jesus.
I don’t have to keep doing stuff I shouldn’t be, like moving around a bunch of too heavy boxes. It just isn’t worth the additional pain…I have a high pain tolerance and currently taking Ultram only when I can’t stand or sit….which is far too long to wait….I need to boost my metabolism. And I am off Prozac. I weined myself off them over a month as I currently have the wrong states medicaid.
I am processing options all the way through, considering the consequences.
Atta Girl
“You have to say it to believe it” + me = recovery
I began this week by reading from a book a friend gave me, since I began my Journey with a book and I was reminded to seek clarity. I even stayed in a mission , and attended services and read from the bible. Heard a number of speakers come, who seemed to speak to me, and friends and aquaintences have each given me some sort of reading material. So I am not surprised that my friend gave me this one, I think I am ready to heal. The title is “Beauty For Ashes” by Joyce Meyer (link)
I havent gotten very far into the book I am on page 49…but the topic is “ receiving emotional healing” I can now identify things that make up the disorder at least in my case. I catch myself all the time being my own worst abuser I have to fix that part of me by: “receiving emotional healing” In the book she descibes her life so far as one which mirrors me, but for a few minor exceptions. She describes my inability to love because I don’t know what it is…She describes my guilt and shame….and again I am only on page 49 because I am amazed that I am not alone, there is someone else in this world who is on the road to recovery. Through Jesus “ all things are possible”. (quote)
I am in a panic mode, so I need to calm down.
I don’t have to run off to the beach , but I can go if I choose to go there.
I can stay here because I am house sitting for a friend when she leaves on vacation next week
Kid is ready for college
Other ones in the oven
Overqualified for a position at a Christian Camp, but underqualified for sharing the true
love of Jesus.
I don’t have to keep doing stuff I shouldn’t be, like moving around a bunch of too heavy boxes. It just isn’t worth the additional pain…I have a high pain tolerance and currently taking Ultram only when I can’t stand or sit….which is far too long to wait….I need to boost my metabolism. And I am off Prozac. I weined myself off them over a month as I currently have the wrong states medicaid.
I am processing options all the way through, considering the consequences.
Atta Girl
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
I am a Survivor
sent to mail 7/21
I can't do this...I can't pretend to be friends...By pretend I mean that you see no hope for a future...Where my hope is justing becoming true...We spoke (typed) about our fellow hope...and also said I am raw..my heart is bleeding it's been so wrapped up in barbed wire that I thought I might bleed to death...I can see myself changing for the better, accepting me for who I turned out to be...When I started my Journey I didn't know who I was, these last few months have turned out to be very enlightening. I discovered that I didn't want to pretend that hope of loving someone who couldn't love me back wasn't hurting me. It's difficult to keep that feeling of desperate hope alive, in a healthy fashion. I like that part of me who can find hope in even the most hopeless conditions, of which I have endured many. I am a survivor in it's truist form.
Yet I don't have to accept something in my life that hurts me, I can turn my scars into stars and fill the sky....
I can't do this...I can't pretend to be friends...By pretend I mean that you see no hope for a future...Where my hope is justing becoming true...We spoke (typed) about our fellow hope...and also said I am raw..my heart is bleeding it's been so wrapped up in barbed wire that I thought I might bleed to death...I can see myself changing for the better, accepting me for who I turned out to be...When I started my Journey I didn't know who I was, these last few months have turned out to be very enlightening. I discovered that I didn't want to pretend that hope of loving someone who couldn't love me back wasn't hurting me. It's difficult to keep that feeling of desperate hope alive, in a healthy fashion. I like that part of me who can find hope in even the most hopeless conditions, of which I have endured many. I am a survivor in it's truist form.
Yet I don't have to accept something in my life that hurts me, I can turn my scars into stars and fill the sky....
Thursday, July 29, 2004
New Plans
Hi friends, sent to mail 7/21
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have a tendency to put other people first, I worry about what they are doing and I sometimes forget that I should be worried about where I am going. I have been working hard at trying to keep things in perspective in my own world. Which is why I am writing today. My daughter is an angel, who God put in my life, she has been an example to live by. She is working at a Christian camp called Springhill 44* in Michigan. It has occurred to me that I love kids and they seem attracted to me, I mean I have never met a kid who didn't like me. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching them in whatever situation presents itself. I think due to my disabilities the disc fusion and arthritis I would have a hard time in a traditional job. Plus my PTSD which I am learning about all the time, but I am in no way cured. I need more time to heal from all the wounds, I still have flashbacks to instances of abuse, and I still am my own worst abuser. I also know I can't survive on the limited income of SSI it's supposed to supplement income but I don't have any other. I am writing a resume and will be submitting it to the camp in the hopes that I can work with little kids, we can grow in our spiritual lives together. I have a hard time sometimes with my faith and letting god handle my problems. Children have such a unique view and I think we can grow with one another.
When I am busy I don't have the time to think about the past. So get busy! ATTA Girl
It’s easier to see the connections to a poor coping mechanisms. Not so easy to impliment new ones. Next step is a baby step, but I’m not sure which way it’s going.
I can’t stand confrontation…I can’t think about anything but where and what the persons hands are doing…and a raised voice frightens me. I become paralized with fear. Occasionally I will pass this edge of my comfort zone and raise my voice, my response never matches what I would have liked to have said. I would prefer to walk away and compose myself and if necessary write it down. Than say something – 1. I can’t take back (spewed in anger), and 2. I don’t want to lose sight of what caused the potential confrontation, because I wan’t to avoid another one. I can run away from confrontations or I can choose to not get into them. How about understanding where the reaction comes from, yep you guessed it abuse.. Ok I have identifyed the problem.
Recently I avoided a confrontation it cost me a friendship of sorts. Granted the friendship was a combination of two worlds. The old Michelle and the learning one of present day. That included the past patterns that I developed in regards to unhealthy relationships. Confrontations are at least from my perspective unhealthy. In a healthy relationship two people can communicate as equals. I think if given an equal platform a disagreement wouldn’t have to escalate to a confrontation.
So now I have taken responsibility for the past patterns, and identified a solution. Surround myself with healthy people who can communicate in a non threatening way. When a confrontaion does arrise, don’t feel bad because I chose to walk away, it’s ok. I haven’t compromised myself. I grew up with unhealthy confrontations and as an adult I choose to give my self permission to walk away.
Retelling of the story has made it easier to say…
You know you have to say it to believe it…
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have a tendency to put other people first, I worry about what they are doing and I sometimes forget that I should be worried about where I am going. I have been working hard at trying to keep things in perspective in my own world. Which is why I am writing today. My daughter is an angel, who God put in my life, she has been an example to live by. She is working at a Christian camp called Springhill 44* in Michigan. It has occurred to me that I love kids and they seem attracted to me, I mean I have never met a kid who didn't like me. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching them in whatever situation presents itself. I think due to my disabilities the disc fusion and arthritis I would have a hard time in a traditional job. Plus my PTSD which I am learning about all the time, but I am in no way cured. I need more time to heal from all the wounds, I still have flashbacks to instances of abuse, and I still am my own worst abuser. I also know I can't survive on the limited income of SSI it's supposed to supplement income but I don't have any other. I am writing a resume and will be submitting it to the camp in the hopes that I can work with little kids, we can grow in our spiritual lives together. I have a hard time sometimes with my faith and letting god handle my problems. Children have such a unique view and I think we can grow with one another.
When I am busy I don't have the time to think about the past. So get busy! ATTA Girl
It’s easier to see the connections to a poor coping mechanisms. Not so easy to impliment new ones. Next step is a baby step, but I’m not sure which way it’s going.
I can’t stand confrontation…I can’t think about anything but where and what the persons hands are doing…and a raised voice frightens me. I become paralized with fear. Occasionally I will pass this edge of my comfort zone and raise my voice, my response never matches what I would have liked to have said. I would prefer to walk away and compose myself and if necessary write it down. Than say something – 1. I can’t take back (spewed in anger), and 2. I don’t want to lose sight of what caused the potential confrontation, because I wan’t to avoid another one. I can run away from confrontations or I can choose to not get into them. How about understanding where the reaction comes from, yep you guessed it abuse.. Ok I have identifyed the problem.
Recently I avoided a confrontation it cost me a friendship of sorts. Granted the friendship was a combination of two worlds. The old Michelle and the learning one of present day. That included the past patterns that I developed in regards to unhealthy relationships. Confrontations are at least from my perspective unhealthy. In a healthy relationship two people can communicate as equals. I think if given an equal platform a disagreement wouldn’t have to escalate to a confrontation.
So now I have taken responsibility for the past patterns, and identified a solution. Surround myself with healthy people who can communicate in a non threatening way. When a confrontaion does arrise, don’t feel bad because I chose to walk away, it’s ok. I haven’t compromised myself. I grew up with unhealthy confrontations and as an adult I choose to give my self permission to walk away.
Retelling of the story has made it easier to say…
You know you have to say it to believe it…
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Shells Photo Album
sent to mail 7/29
Hi, Its me and one of my cake decorating masterpieces, a five tier butterfly garden.
Posted by Hello
Hi, Its me and one of my cake decorating masterpieces, a five tier butterfly garden.
Posted by Hello
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Music is in my Soul
sent to mail 7/29
The first friend who introduced me to my life of a music lover was a fellow named Kevin. I haven’t seen him since 1977. He played the bass, could handle himself on a drum set and he played rhythm guitar. He also gave me my first kiss, on the banks of the Sacromento River, I so love the river. He was way too young for me being 2 years my junior and me being 4000 miles away from home. It just didn’t seem right, we had a lot of fun together but he was in love with his high school sweetheart, I didn’t have a prayer at a relationship. He took me to his band practice and showed me how to use the sound board. They were totally Garage band, but at times could pull out to a really great sound. He also spoiled me as I would prefer a bass played with fingers instead of picked. There is just so much more sound to a finger play….I discovered that the popular music here in Michigan was on a two month or so delay. Bob Seger (Yes, Detroit Michigan Native), Pablo Cruise, Boz Scaggs, Daryll Hall and John Oates, Earth Wind and Fire, Heart, Nazareth geesh the list goes on and on…when I got back here these already my favorite songs were just being played after I had already been home 2 months. Went to San Franciso in a banana yellow VW bug, with the best 8 track money could buy. Turned it off and listened to the radio instead. I can still remember how free I felt...
I went to Wing's Stadium in Kalamazoo to see an outdoor concert, one of the guys I worked with was playing. When I got there they were having some difficulty setting up as they were running late. I pitched in and helped, with the experiences I had in California it was easy for me to help instead of be in the way. I liked the sound they had, my friend, ironically named Kevin t too played the keyboards. He had a Hammond organ with a seperate leslie cabinet. I eventually became their roady as I could go to the bars with them and feel safe. I helped load in and out and occasionally run the sound or lights.
cont...
The first friend who introduced me to my life of a music lover was a fellow named Kevin. I haven’t seen him since 1977. He played the bass, could handle himself on a drum set and he played rhythm guitar. He also gave me my first kiss, on the banks of the Sacromento River, I so love the river. He was way too young for me being 2 years my junior and me being 4000 miles away from home. It just didn’t seem right, we had a lot of fun together but he was in love with his high school sweetheart, I didn’t have a prayer at a relationship. He took me to his band practice and showed me how to use the sound board. They were totally Garage band, but at times could pull out to a really great sound. He also spoiled me as I would prefer a bass played with fingers instead of picked. There is just so much more sound to a finger play….I discovered that the popular music here in Michigan was on a two month or so delay. Bob Seger (Yes, Detroit Michigan Native), Pablo Cruise, Boz Scaggs, Daryll Hall and John Oates, Earth Wind and Fire, Heart, Nazareth geesh the list goes on and on…when I got back here these already my favorite songs were just being played after I had already been home 2 months. Went to San Franciso in a banana yellow VW bug, with the best 8 track money could buy. Turned it off and listened to the radio instead. I can still remember how free I felt...
I went to Wing's Stadium in Kalamazoo to see an outdoor concert, one of the guys I worked with was playing. When I got there they were having some difficulty setting up as they were running late. I pitched in and helped, with the experiences I had in California it was easy for me to help instead of be in the way. I liked the sound they had, my friend, ironically named Kevin t too played the keyboards. He had a Hammond organ with a seperate leslie cabinet. I eventually became their roady as I could go to the bars with them and feel safe. I helped load in and out and occasionally run the sound or lights.
cont...
Saturday, July 10, 2004
WHOA!!!!
Hi Friends, sent to mail 7/21
I titled this piece "whoa" because I need to regroup, chaos is threatening, or should I say looming. I traveled a lot of miles in the last few months. Some of the mental miles (If you have PTSD then you know what I mean) didn't feel as tiring as the mental mileage I've gotten since being back here. I have been bombarded with some pretty heavy emotional burdens. I came back on the train at 7:30pm after having ridden the train for 12 hours. I was met at the station by my son and future daughter in-law and her 3 children 18 month old twins and a 4 year old. I am already Grandma to these kids and she is pregnant due in late August or Early September, with my sons child. I was tired and visited with them for a short time, at my friends house.
The next day they announced that my son had to go out of town for work and they were homeless. Well I couldn't have asked my friend if they could stay there? So I went with my daughter in=law to my parents house borrowed 50 bucks and took her out to Lake Michigan for what I assumed would be for a week. So, now I accepted responsibility for my sons problems and I have to figure out how to give it back. My daughter surprised us all with a visit, she has been working at a Christian Camp for the summer to help with her college.
She also knows that I'm gullible, and can become the victim easily.
Now don't let me kid ya here she loves Lake Michigan as much or more than I do. She was concerned about me before I even took my daughter in-law out there. I so hope I'm not holding her back with this disorder and my constant battles. Well anyway I struggled camping this time, which is something that seems impossible, at least for me. I love to camp and I'm quite calm and mellow given the right circumstances. I used to camp with both of my kids and have lots of fond memories. This time was horrible I felt like I was being tossed into a situation I couldn't control nor accept. Neither my son or his girlfriend have enough patience to be parents to 4 children. They seem to yell at the kids 24/7, and neither one wanted to chase them either. I tried to take them on walks as far as I could go, they are so cute and say some pretty funny stuff. I cannot pick them up because of my disc fusion, so when they bumped their shins or skinned their knees, we stopped and I comforted them and then we limped back to camp.
I was allowed less and less time with the kids and if I said anything to them for misbehaving I was undermining their Mother. I decided that I couldn't stay because I want to be grandma and if I can save them from being yelled at for a couple hours that's all I wanted. It just made her mad, which in turn made my son angry because she wouldn't talk to me but made him play the middle. I told my daughter that I was leaving which is when she told me that my son had lost everything I had left in his care. All the keepsakes I had saved for the kids, her awards and certificates, her diploma etc. etc, all gone. I had known about it and assumed that he had told her before then.
So now the emotions are really flying I told my son I was ready to leave and he informed me that he wasn't taking me back to Kalamazoo until the next day.
I was so frustrated and angry and confused I wanted out of my haven, the haven that turned into a nightmare. I grabbed the suitcases I have dragged from one side of the country to the other and tried to walk the 45 minute drive. I made it to the telephone before reason kicked in, and I decided to make some phone calls. I ended up sleeping on the beach until a thunderstorm came in then I slept on a picnic table in the pavilion. I avoided any direct confrontation with the kids and left not saying the things I probably needed to. I would rather leave it open than say something I might regret later.
So now I am trying to take care of my daughters college paper work it seems as we are 4000 short for her school this year. It has to be a paper glitch I just hope it isn't my glitch.
Oh I almost forgot! Not really I can't forget it like I can't forget all the things my Dad said when I was a kid. When I went to borrow the money he had to remind me that my son being homeless is not surprising because wasn't I in the same situation?
Well by golly he is right I am homeless and wandering around the country like a damned gypsy....
I titled this piece "whoa" because I need to regroup, chaos is threatening, or should I say looming. I traveled a lot of miles in the last few months. Some of the mental miles (If you have PTSD then you know what I mean) didn't feel as tiring as the mental mileage I've gotten since being back here. I have been bombarded with some pretty heavy emotional burdens. I came back on the train at 7:30pm after having ridden the train for 12 hours. I was met at the station by my son and future daughter in-law and her 3 children 18 month old twins and a 4 year old. I am already Grandma to these kids and she is pregnant due in late August or Early September, with my sons child. I was tired and visited with them for a short time, at my friends house.
The next day they announced that my son had to go out of town for work and they were homeless. Well I couldn't have asked my friend if they could stay there? So I went with my daughter in=law to my parents house borrowed 50 bucks and took her out to Lake Michigan for what I assumed would be for a week. So, now I accepted responsibility for my sons problems and I have to figure out how to give it back. My daughter surprised us all with a visit, she has been working at a Christian Camp for the summer to help with her college.
She also knows that I'm gullible, and can become the victim easily.
Now don't let me kid ya here she loves Lake Michigan as much or more than I do. She was concerned about me before I even took my daughter in-law out there. I so hope I'm not holding her back with this disorder and my constant battles. Well anyway I struggled camping this time, which is something that seems impossible, at least for me. I love to camp and I'm quite calm and mellow given the right circumstances. I used to camp with both of my kids and have lots of fond memories. This time was horrible I felt like I was being tossed into a situation I couldn't control nor accept. Neither my son or his girlfriend have enough patience to be parents to 4 children. They seem to yell at the kids 24/7, and neither one wanted to chase them either. I tried to take them on walks as far as I could go, they are so cute and say some pretty funny stuff. I cannot pick them up because of my disc fusion, so when they bumped their shins or skinned their knees, we stopped and I comforted them and then we limped back to camp.
I was allowed less and less time with the kids and if I said anything to them for misbehaving I was undermining their Mother. I decided that I couldn't stay because I want to be grandma and if I can save them from being yelled at for a couple hours that's all I wanted. It just made her mad, which in turn made my son angry because she wouldn't talk to me but made him play the middle. I told my daughter that I was leaving which is when she told me that my son had lost everything I had left in his care. All the keepsakes I had saved for the kids, her awards and certificates, her diploma etc. etc, all gone. I had known about it and assumed that he had told her before then.
So now the emotions are really flying I told my son I was ready to leave and he informed me that he wasn't taking me back to Kalamazoo until the next day.
I was so frustrated and angry and confused I wanted out of my haven, the haven that turned into a nightmare. I grabbed the suitcases I have dragged from one side of the country to the other and tried to walk the 45 minute drive. I made it to the telephone before reason kicked in, and I decided to make some phone calls. I ended up sleeping on the beach until a thunderstorm came in then I slept on a picnic table in the pavilion. I avoided any direct confrontation with the kids and left not saying the things I probably needed to. I would rather leave it open than say something I might regret later.
So now I am trying to take care of my daughters college paper work it seems as we are 4000 short for her school this year. It has to be a paper glitch I just hope it isn't my glitch.
Oh I almost forgot! Not really I can't forget it like I can't forget all the things my Dad said when I was a kid. When I went to borrow the money he had to remind me that my son being homeless is not surprising because wasn't I in the same situation?
Well by golly he is right I am homeless and wandering around the country like a damned gypsy....
Monday, July 05, 2004
The Fourth of July
Hi Friends,
Still alive, I am currently camping on Lake Michigan with my 23 year old son and future daughter in-law her three children a 4 year old and 18 month old twins. She is now 5 months pregnant. If you have been with me throughout this journey than you already know the kids are the reason I went on the traveling portion of my Journey. They (both son and daughter in law) do not have the patience I always had for the kids and the things kids do, like picking up rocks and sticking them in their mouths it's just something kids do. Instead of redirecting them they immediately get a spanking and a time out. It has made for some miserable camping, so I am not staying with them I am going to go back to Kalamazoo for a minute then up to Big Rapids to help my daughter with her financial aid for college. I also plan on taking a canoe trip even if I have to go alone. I think I need some more alone time. While in Kansas I succeeded in pissing off a dear friend. Well sorry this is so short and brief I new that some of you would worry not having heard from me. So until the next time Happy 4th of July and safe vacationing.
Still alive, I am currently camping on Lake Michigan with my 23 year old son and future daughter in-law her three children a 4 year old and 18 month old twins. She is now 5 months pregnant. If you have been with me throughout this journey than you already know the kids are the reason I went on the traveling portion of my Journey. They (both son and daughter in law) do not have the patience I always had for the kids and the things kids do, like picking up rocks and sticking them in their mouths it's just something kids do. Instead of redirecting them they immediately get a spanking and a time out. It has made for some miserable camping, so I am not staying with them I am going to go back to Kalamazoo for a minute then up to Big Rapids to help my daughter with her financial aid for college. I also plan on taking a canoe trip even if I have to go alone. I think I need some more alone time. While in Kansas I succeeded in pissing off a dear friend. Well sorry this is so short and brief I new that some of you would worry not having heard from me. So until the next time Happy 4th of July and safe vacationing.
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