Dear Friends,
I know you'll be dismayed after reading this post, but I am OK. I need to find another place to stay and don't have a clue as to where to go. I don't have enough money to get an apartment but do have enough to buy a tent. I have camped before and I can do it again. I won't be able to access my email as regular as I have in the recent past.
I received a copy of Bob Segers music one in particular has given me hope for the future. It seems as I need a "Brand New Morning" . The lyrics can be found at Segerfile.com, part of the lyrics refers to the past and the past being ancient history. I am a member of Segernet.com, which was an effort to get Bob Seger into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (He made it this year!) Through Segernet I have learned a lot about myself, my inferiority complex caused some real problems in the beginning. I was really new to the computer and didn't understand it. I was stressed out, going through some classes for Domestic Violence. A friend of mine wrote an article for the Chicken Soup series about me and it was accepted. I wrote about it at segernet which really wasn't an appropriate forum to write about it. When I was asked not to write about DV I reacted in a classic PTSD response when I got Gateway timeouts I thought I had been banned for my reaction. I wasn't but I told my son who reacted to it as an insult to his mother. The problems was, there was no problem, my son wouldn't back down and was eventually banned. I regretted the whole thing, but decided to remain a member to learn.
It took me several months to figure out what a gateway timeout was, and when I finally did I felt like an idiot. I'm not, of course I've learned a lot from the whole incident, about computers, Bob Seger, and an important lesson in not jumping to conclusions.
So when my friend asked me to find another living arrangement, because her niece is here with her family, my initial reaction was to jump to a conclusion. I haven't done anything wrong. It's just time for me to go. So I will figure something out, I always do, God is with me, and has a plan. "It's a Brand New Morning, It's a Brand New Day"
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Friday, May 21, 2004
PTSD all mixed up
Hi Friend,
I've been here a month and have discovered a lot about myself which is cool but, I was supposed to live by myself for a while. It hasn't worked out that way actually it is border line chaos. I was staying with my friends Aunt, my friend had an arguement with her mother whom she lived with. So they are staying with the aunt as well. I love having the kids around 3 of them all under the age of 4, and all boys. They say the funniest things!
The problem is, not only am I never alone, in a small 2 bedroom house. I am sleeping on a couch. I was asked to make other arrangements for a place to stay as blood is thicker than water, which I totally understand.
So, I came in to post something that has been on my mind. It would seem that what you read here is all there is going on. Not so, the thoughts race through my head all the waking hours. It's hard to catch all the negative thing's I hurl at myself. When my friends Aunt asked me to find another arrangement, I started to think about what I could have possibly done to make her mad enough to throw me out. Previously I wouldn't ask what that was, just beat myself to death with negatives. I changed the pattern I asked if I had done something to make her angry. It took me several hours to get to that point but I'm glad I did. She isn't angry with me, I didn't do anything wrong, but she said " I think you would be better off living alone or out of the chaos anyway."
" But I can't ask my niece to leave. "
Immediatly the next round of negatives came in, what am I going to do? I can't afford to live on my own, unless I can get a subsidized apartment. I can't get a subsidized apartment because of my credit history. The student loan. Credit cards.
Utility companies...Etc. It (PTSD) is a vicious cycle. Even though I am identifying when my inner voice is negative. It seems as though there is always something else, that brings the negative back in. Very frustrating.
I've been here a month and have discovered a lot about myself which is cool but, I was supposed to live by myself for a while. It hasn't worked out that way actually it is border line chaos. I was staying with my friends Aunt, my friend had an arguement with her mother whom she lived with. So they are staying with the aunt as well. I love having the kids around 3 of them all under the age of 4, and all boys. They say the funniest things!
The problem is, not only am I never alone, in a small 2 bedroom house. I am sleeping on a couch. I was asked to make other arrangements for a place to stay as blood is thicker than water, which I totally understand.
So, I came in to post something that has been on my mind. It would seem that what you read here is all there is going on. Not so, the thoughts race through my head all the waking hours. It's hard to catch all the negative thing's I hurl at myself. When my friends Aunt asked me to find another arrangement, I started to think about what I could have possibly done to make her mad enough to throw me out. Previously I wouldn't ask what that was, just beat myself to death with negatives. I changed the pattern I asked if I had done something to make her angry. It took me several hours to get to that point but I'm glad I did. She isn't angry with me, I didn't do anything wrong, but she said " I think you would be better off living alone or out of the chaos anyway."
" But I can't ask my niece to leave. "
Immediatly the next round of negatives came in, what am I going to do? I can't afford to live on my own, unless I can get a subsidized apartment. I can't get a subsidized apartment because of my credit history. The student loan. Credit cards.
Utility companies...Etc. It (PTSD) is a vicious cycle. Even though I am identifying when my inner voice is negative. It seems as though there is always something else, that brings the negative back in. Very frustrating.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
God helps those who help themselves, even when they have PTSD.
Wow that was powerful stuff, I'm feeling liberated to a certain degree. A friend of mine had a hard time reading one of my earlier posts as my feelings smacked of a very depressed person. Let's face it I am. I need to find the connections to what happenend in my past in order to change the corresponding negetive path in my brain.
Now that I have identified that the flashbacks of being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies had a powerful effect on me,I am going to try to explain what I have discovered. I discovered I could cause problems for this woman who professed to LOVE the seven stepchildren- heathens, yet the mere word "heathen" would make me scour the cupboards to eat again. Heathen was one of the nicer taunts. I was out to get the wicked stepmother, but at the same time I set myself up to be hurt, so I could forget about what was happening. Cause and effect.
I can't go back and fix any of my past but I can change the negative forces of PTSD. I will recover!
Now that I have identified that the flashbacks of being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies had a powerful effect on me,I am going to try to explain what I have discovered. I discovered I could cause problems for this woman who professed to LOVE the seven stepchildren- heathens, yet the mere word "heathen" would make me scour the cupboards to eat again. Heathen was one of the nicer taunts. I was out to get the wicked stepmother, but at the same time I set myself up to be hurt, so I could forget about what was happening. Cause and effect.
I can't go back and fix any of my past but I can change the negative forces of PTSD. I will recover!
Saturday, May 15, 2004
PTSD Plea?
Friday, May 14, 2004
A Journey to self, PTSD recovery
http://shellssea.blogspot.com
Michelle Hazard
To Whom it may concern,
If your reading this then you have already accessed my site. Due, in part to my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I began this chronicle. To chronicle my Journey, one I took very seriously. I raised two children on welfare. The statistics are, that as a single parent my children should have criminal records, be on the street doing drugs and/ or hurting other people. Neither of my kids fell into the stigmas given them by my status. The welfare system is an all or nothing system. Several times in the 23 years it took me to raise the kids I went to ask for help only when I didn’t have any other option. Shortly after selling everything but the keepsakes, that I had diligently saved for my kids.
I was self employed, no health insurance, rented a house had a car and for the first time in my life I was paying the bills I owed (except the student loans) on 200 hundred dollars a week. After being threatened with gauranteement from a waitress position. One half of all that I made. I worked for a Holiday Inn as a server. The women who were employed there were out to make their own living, as a new comer I was given the smoking section or one large table while the rest of the section and of course the money went to those who had worked the longest. I didn’t make much so when threatened I did the only thing I could think of I quit.
I could n’t afford to lose half of my income anymore than someone who made 300,000 a year.
So I became a sub contractor. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to not pay the Social Security Taxes that would normally come directly from my employer, but ignorance is no excuse. When I became disabled in 2001, I was healthy other than being overweight but I had re-lost over 100 lbs in the years following my hospitalization in 1996. I had coached and played softball the previous summer with a co-ed group. The sudden onset of excruciating pain in my lower back sent me to the doctor, since I didn’t regularly see a physician I had to apply for medicaid. The physicians list provided 5 to 7 local doctors 90% of which were no longer excepting new clients. Which hasn’t changed since 2001; but, I found if I went to the emergency room they would assign me a follow up doctor and that was the way I could “ pick your doctor”.
I’ve been told by several people I shouldn’t expect the doctors to care about me. They are overworked. As they can only allow 15 minutes time to “visit” with a patient. There is no way on God’s green earth that a doctor can read the paperwork you have to fill out. The only thing he is going to be concerned about is what is happening today. By the time I spill out what has happened in the 3 years since that spring of 2001 my time is over. None of my suggestion as to what to do about my care is covered under medicaid. I need aqua aerobics. I need to know what stage of menopause I am in. I need total knee replacements, with my weight as it is I’ll never walk again. I asked about the possibility of a gastric bypass which my new orthopedic physician suggested. His reply? It isn’t a covered benefit. I have done the seesaw weight loss and weight gain+ for years and have a pear shape. My mother died of an extremely fast type of Breast Cancer, at age 34. My sister has Non Hodgkin Lymphoma. Both sides of my family have heart disease in their histories as well as stroke and high blood pressure. My blood pressure has maintained a healthy range throughout the past three years. I had about a three year struggle with gingivitis and huge abscesses which only ended after having my teeth pulled in 2002. I had an ovarian cyst implode during an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) sending the fluid back into my uterus. I had orthoscopic surgery done on my left knee in May along with a second D and C for the regulation of my cycle (always irregular). Then one month later I had the same surgery done on my right knee. I pushed myself to get moving again and to repair the damage to the knees. They removed bone spurs which were tearing the ligaments.
The lower back pain which has been there since this began, although less intense as when it started remains. The only diagnosis is overweight or obesity.
My question is simply this:
Should I agree with the diagnosis of totally and permanently disabled, or can an allowance be made to review my case with a representative of the Medicaid system, so I can follow my
Dream of being self sufficient?
Saturday February 15
Response:
No you shouldn't consider yourself permanently disabled. But instead of looking for what the doctor can do for me let's see what you can do for yourself!
Look up information on eating disorders you have one.
storms
mirrors
abuse- as seen on TV, w/ flashbacks being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies, I ate more cookies everyday to make up for the beatings I didn't deserve.
when sad
when nervous
when scared
when bored
when lonely
Which would make a gastric bypass moot. Very dangerous combination.
I eat stress creating a physical effect. Cause and effect.
Ok so now what?
A Journey to self, PTSD recovery
http://shellssea.blogspot.com
Michelle Hazard
To Whom it may concern,
If your reading this then you have already accessed my site. Due, in part to my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I began this chronicle. To chronicle my Journey, one I took very seriously. I raised two children on welfare. The statistics are, that as a single parent my children should have criminal records, be on the street doing drugs and/ or hurting other people. Neither of my kids fell into the stigmas given them by my status. The welfare system is an all or nothing system. Several times in the 23 years it took me to raise the kids I went to ask for help only when I didn’t have any other option. Shortly after selling everything but the keepsakes, that I had diligently saved for my kids.
I was self employed, no health insurance, rented a house had a car and for the first time in my life I was paying the bills I owed (except the student loans) on 200 hundred dollars a week. After being threatened with gauranteement from a waitress position. One half of all that I made. I worked for a Holiday Inn as a server. The women who were employed there were out to make their own living, as a new comer I was given the smoking section or one large table while the rest of the section and of course the money went to those who had worked the longest. I didn’t make much so when threatened I did the only thing I could think of I quit.
I could n’t afford to lose half of my income anymore than someone who made 300,000 a year.
So I became a sub contractor. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to not pay the Social Security Taxes that would normally come directly from my employer, but ignorance is no excuse. When I became disabled in 2001, I was healthy other than being overweight but I had re-lost over 100 lbs in the years following my hospitalization in 1996. I had coached and played softball the previous summer with a co-ed group. The sudden onset of excruciating pain in my lower back sent me to the doctor, since I didn’t regularly see a physician I had to apply for medicaid. The physicians list provided 5 to 7 local doctors 90% of which were no longer excepting new clients. Which hasn’t changed since 2001; but, I found if I went to the emergency room they would assign me a follow up doctor and that was the way I could “ pick your doctor”.
I’ve been told by several people I shouldn’t expect the doctors to care about me. They are overworked. As they can only allow 15 minutes time to “visit” with a patient. There is no way on God’s green earth that a doctor can read the paperwork you have to fill out. The only thing he is going to be concerned about is what is happening today. By the time I spill out what has happened in the 3 years since that spring of 2001 my time is over. None of my suggestion as to what to do about my care is covered under medicaid. I need aqua aerobics. I need to know what stage of menopause I am in. I need total knee replacements, with my weight as it is I’ll never walk again. I asked about the possibility of a gastric bypass which my new orthopedic physician suggested. His reply? It isn’t a covered benefit. I have done the seesaw weight loss and weight gain+ for years and have a pear shape. My mother died of an extremely fast type of Breast Cancer, at age 34. My sister has Non Hodgkin Lymphoma. Both sides of my family have heart disease in their histories as well as stroke and high blood pressure. My blood pressure has maintained a healthy range throughout the past three years. I had about a three year struggle with gingivitis and huge abscesses which only ended after having my teeth pulled in 2002. I had an ovarian cyst implode during an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) sending the fluid back into my uterus. I had orthoscopic surgery done on my left knee in May along with a second D and C for the regulation of my cycle (always irregular). Then one month later I had the same surgery done on my right knee. I pushed myself to get moving again and to repair the damage to the knees. They removed bone spurs which were tearing the ligaments.
The lower back pain which has been there since this began, although less intense as when it started remains. The only diagnosis is overweight or obesity.
My question is simply this:
Should I agree with the diagnosis of totally and permanently disabled, or can an allowance be made to review my case with a representative of the Medicaid system, so I can follow my
Dream of being self sufficient?
Saturday February 15
Response:
No you shouldn't consider yourself permanently disabled. But instead of looking for what the doctor can do for me let's see what you can do for yourself!
Look up information on eating disorders you have one.
storms
mirrors
abuse- as seen on TV, w/ flashbacks being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies, I ate more cookies everyday to make up for the beatings I didn't deserve.
when sad
when nervous
when scared
when bored
when lonely
Which would make a gastric bypass moot. Very dangerous combination.
I eat stress creating a physical effect. Cause and effect.
Ok so now what?
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Interactive blogger
Hi friends you can now click on the comment in blue at the bottom of each post. If there isnt one I havent yet opened it for comment. If you would like it opened please ask here in this one I will consider it. Thanks Michelle
Monday, May 10, 2004
Mothers Day
Accolade
Kalamazoo Gazette
She's learning her way to a self supporting life
Michelle Hazard may have no phone and no car and, until now no education beyond high school. But she has more gumption than a host of other Kalamazoo people together. In Hazards first term at Kalamazoo Valley Community College which ended April 29, she pulled down a neat 4.0 grade average. Thats all A's.
After being away from the classroom since high school graduation in 1976, Hazard was intimidated by the thought of taking classes at KVCC.. She thought that she could in no way do it. says Kathy Schacher, Hazard's friend and mentor. The two were paired through the YWCA's Helping Ourselves Means Education (HOME) program, in which women on aid who are trying to become self-supporting are matched with mentors.
Hazard has known homelessness and near brushes with homelessness. She has managed to work her way off public assistance a number of times, but not yet permanently.
Hazard's driving ambition now is to get the education which will allow her to get a good enough job to support herself and her two children, Anthony, 10, and Heather, 6, and never again have to fall back on assistance.
She's not afraid of hard work. She has worked two and three minimum wage jobs at a time trying to provide for her youngsters. But she worries profoundly about being away from them for the hours that working like that requires. My children are my life, she says.
Michelle is very resourceful, Schacher says with admiration. She thought she was going to fail. But I don't know what's going to stop her now.
Although Hazard is engaged in a battle for financial survival for her children and herself, she still has time and energy to do for those around her.
She is a volunteer at Housing Resources Inc., and has written and received a grant to start a program designed to promote home sharing.
The grant application asked for $2,500 but officials at the Greater Kalamazoo United Way were so impressed with the idea and its presentation that it was awarded $3,500 from the GKUW's Creative Options Program, a joint effort with the Fetzer Institute.
Housing Resources has offered office space for the program and although Hazard is not sure exactly when the program will begin, she is working on it when she can to make sure it will be successful.
Hazard is really motivated, says Ellen Kissinger-Rothi, Housing Resources director, and believes if anyone can make a good idea such as this go, it is Hazard.
Hazard gives a lot of the credit for the turn around in her life to the mentoring and support she has received through HOME and KVCC's Achievement Plus programs and most of all to God.
But some of the credit also must go to Hazard's determination and courage in deciding that it's time for me to take care of myself.
Well now there is an article! (Other than it's grammatical errors) It should have made me swell with pride and further my determination, right? Had I been "normal" it might have. These were the surrounding factors that made this article a slap in the face for me. I never hung it up on the wall but secluded it to the keepsake box. The day it came out in the paper was none other than Mothers Day, my kids had made me a peanut butter pancake for breakfast in bed. (grilled and smashed peanut butter sandwich), brought to me on a tray with orange juice and the paper.
We spent a little over an hour sitting there that morning one child on each side of me as they appreciated their Mom, we laughed and talked til they had devoured the peanut butter sandwich. Then I sat down in the living room to read the paper. When I saw the article I called the kids in and they were both trying to see my picture. When there was a knock on the door. It was my daughters father, he wanted visitation even though he knew it was Mothers Day and therefore not a visitation day. He pushed past me and scooped my daughter up and began berating me in front of her. He said, " Boy you sure have those people fooled, if they only knew what a fat lazy b(^$% you really are! It doesn't matter Michelle, when I take you to court I'm going to get custody. (It was shortly after Heather witnessed an altercation between her dad and his wife, she threatened to stab him with a pair of scissors.) I was feeling bolstered by the article and said " No, you won't be getting custody the violence that has now been documented will not allow you to, Now if you don't mind I want you to leave as this is Mothers Day not a visitation day."
He replied as he took steps closer still holding Heather until he was almost touching me and pointed his finger as he said Real adults have arguements, Oh yeah that's right you don't know how to have a relationship. I put my hands out to take my daughter who was reaching for me and he backed up and took off with my daughter. I called the police and was told that I would have to report it on Monday but they had no jurisdiction to bring her back..
I then called my parents home as I knew my sister would be there, when the phone was answered it was my step-mother. It was then that I found out I was an embarrassment to my family. Homeless? I was a failure and now all of Kalamazoo knew it, how could my father show his head in this community again?
Each Mother's Day thats what I think about, not what I should be thinking about, but what a failure I was.
Authors edit: Tuesday
I wanted to write about how I felt this Mothers Day after pulling this article out of the package, I carried it on this Journey more as something I needed to refute in my own mind. Turn it around and make it positive. The flashbacks that accompanied this return to the past was difficult to write about and I was out of energy after writing what I had. Today is a new day and I know that I am still the person who made a choice to take care of myself, those long years ago. It hasn't been easy nor is it over one day at a time.
ATTA Girl
Today Friday May 14th my daughter sent me a Mothers Day card, considering that she just got done with her first semester of college and is preparing to be a camp counselor at a Young Life Camp. I was surprised and now I have something else to dwell on, she wrote the following in my card:
The front of the card says:
Mom, you made me what I am today.
the inside says:
One Lucky kid! Thanks and Happy Mothers Day
She wrote:
Momma,
I hope I get to see you soon, but if I don't I just wanted to tell you I love you....so so so so much.
Thank you for always being someone
I can talk to and not worry about
you not loving me anymore.
Thank you mom for always putting
me first and loving it...lol
Thank you Mom for supporting me
in everything I do and doing what
you can.
Thank you Mom for washing my butt
and cleaning my wounds, and making
me laugh when I am sad.
Thank you Mom for your smile and your
giving heart, smiling face and outgoing
personality.
Thank you Mom for my blue eyes and
half grown in eyebrows, I see you whenever
I look in the mirror.
Thank You Mom, for trusting in Jesus and
loving him in all situations.
Dear Brothers and Sisters (mothers) whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. - James 1:2-3 -
I love you so much because your a strong, courageous, God fearing, loving , patient (most of the time) faithful woman of God.
I know you'll never give up. And I love you for that!
Mom ThankYou so much for being who you are, for without you I wouldn't be who I am.
Forever Your loving daughter
If the person who I think I failed the most, my children, love me like she describes than I haven't failed at all.
Kalamazoo Gazette
She's learning her way to a self supporting life
Michelle Hazard may have no phone and no car and, until now no education beyond high school. But she has more gumption than a host of other Kalamazoo people together. In Hazards first term at Kalamazoo Valley Community College which ended April 29, she pulled down a neat 4.0 grade average. Thats all A's.
After being away from the classroom since high school graduation in 1976, Hazard was intimidated by the thought of taking classes at KVCC.. She thought that she could in no way do it. says Kathy Schacher, Hazard's friend and mentor. The two were paired through the YWCA's Helping Ourselves Means Education (HOME) program, in which women on aid who are trying to become self-supporting are matched with mentors.
Hazard has known homelessness and near brushes with homelessness. She has managed to work her way off public assistance a number of times, but not yet permanently.
Hazard's driving ambition now is to get the education which will allow her to get a good enough job to support herself and her two children, Anthony, 10, and Heather, 6, and never again have to fall back on assistance.
She's not afraid of hard work. She has worked two and three minimum wage jobs at a time trying to provide for her youngsters. But she worries profoundly about being away from them for the hours that working like that requires. My children are my life, she says.
Michelle is very resourceful, Schacher says with admiration. She thought she was going to fail. But I don't know what's going to stop her now.
Although Hazard is engaged in a battle for financial survival for her children and herself, she still has time and energy to do for those around her.
She is a volunteer at Housing Resources Inc., and has written and received a grant to start a program designed to promote home sharing.
The grant application asked for $2,500 but officials at the Greater Kalamazoo United Way were so impressed with the idea and its presentation that it was awarded $3,500 from the GKUW's Creative Options Program, a joint effort with the Fetzer Institute.
Housing Resources has offered office space for the program and although Hazard is not sure exactly when the program will begin, she is working on it when she can to make sure it will be successful.
Hazard is really motivated, says Ellen Kissinger-Rothi, Housing Resources director, and believes if anyone can make a good idea such as this go, it is Hazard.
Hazard gives a lot of the credit for the turn around in her life to the mentoring and support she has received through HOME and KVCC's Achievement Plus programs and most of all to God.
But some of the credit also must go to Hazard's determination and courage in deciding that it's time for me to take care of myself.
Well now there is an article! (Other than it's grammatical errors) It should have made me swell with pride and further my determination, right? Had I been "normal" it might have. These were the surrounding factors that made this article a slap in the face for me. I never hung it up on the wall but secluded it to the keepsake box. The day it came out in the paper was none other than Mothers Day, my kids had made me a peanut butter pancake for breakfast in bed. (grilled and smashed peanut butter sandwich), brought to me on a tray with orange juice and the paper.
We spent a little over an hour sitting there that morning one child on each side of me as they appreciated their Mom, we laughed and talked til they had devoured the peanut butter sandwich. Then I sat down in the living room to read the paper. When I saw the article I called the kids in and they were both trying to see my picture. When there was a knock on the door. It was my daughters father, he wanted visitation even though he knew it was Mothers Day and therefore not a visitation day. He pushed past me and scooped my daughter up and began berating me in front of her. He said, " Boy you sure have those people fooled, if they only knew what a fat lazy b(^$% you really are! It doesn't matter Michelle, when I take you to court I'm going to get custody. (It was shortly after Heather witnessed an altercation between her dad and his wife, she threatened to stab him with a pair of scissors.) I was feeling bolstered by the article and said " No, you won't be getting custody the violence that has now been documented will not allow you to, Now if you don't mind I want you to leave as this is Mothers Day not a visitation day."
He replied as he took steps closer still holding Heather until he was almost touching me and pointed his finger as he said Real adults have arguements, Oh yeah that's right you don't know how to have a relationship. I put my hands out to take my daughter who was reaching for me and he backed up and took off with my daughter. I called the police and was told that I would have to report it on Monday but they had no jurisdiction to bring her back..
I then called my parents home as I knew my sister would be there, when the phone was answered it was my step-mother. It was then that I found out I was an embarrassment to my family. Homeless? I was a failure and now all of Kalamazoo knew it, how could my father show his head in this community again?
Each Mother's Day thats what I think about, not what I should be thinking about, but what a failure I was.
Authors edit: Tuesday
I wanted to write about how I felt this Mothers Day after pulling this article out of the package, I carried it on this Journey more as something I needed to refute in my own mind. Turn it around and make it positive. The flashbacks that accompanied this return to the past was difficult to write about and I was out of energy after writing what I had. Today is a new day and I know that I am still the person who made a choice to take care of myself, those long years ago. It hasn't been easy nor is it over one day at a time.
ATTA Girl
Today Friday May 14th my daughter sent me a Mothers Day card, considering that she just got done with her first semester of college and is preparing to be a camp counselor at a Young Life Camp. I was surprised and now I have something else to dwell on, she wrote the following in my card:
The front of the card says:
Mom, you made me what I am today.
the inside says:
One Lucky kid! Thanks and Happy Mothers Day
She wrote:
Momma,
I hope I get to see you soon, but if I don't I just wanted to tell you I love you....so so so so much.
Thank you for always being someone
I can talk to and not worry about
you not loving me anymore.
Thank you mom for always putting
me first and loving it...lol
Thank you Mom for supporting me
in everything I do and doing what
you can.
Thank you Mom for washing my butt
and cleaning my wounds, and making
me laugh when I am sad.
Thank you Mom for your smile and your
giving heart, smiling face and outgoing
personality.
Thank you Mom for my blue eyes and
half grown in eyebrows, I see you whenever
I look in the mirror.
Thank You Mom, for trusting in Jesus and
loving him in all situations.
Dear Brothers and Sisters (mothers) whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. - James 1:2-3 -
I love you so much because your a strong, courageous, God fearing, loving , patient (most of the time) faithful woman of God.
I know you'll never give up. And I love you for that!
Mom ThankYou so much for being who you are, for without you I wouldn't be who I am.
Forever Your loving daughter
If the person who I think I failed the most, my children, love me like she describes than I haven't failed at all.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
The Power of Negative Thinking
Negative thinking comes from years of seeing myself as a failure. I was told I wouldn't amount to anything and I lived it. Its like this, if someone mentions an apple what do you picture? I nice shiny bright crisp apple? I picture a mushy one with a worm poking it's head out. I learned about the force of "positive thinking" back in 1996 my first trip to the hospital. I still struggle with the concept daily and in the past week or so I forgot about it totally. I began to see the worm in every situation, not letting myself picture myself as a "success" is my catalist to failure.
While traveling I seemed to not be so negative but in all reality I was basically in survival mode. While not dwelling on the real issues in my life for a minute was nice the down time that I have had since coming here reminds me that I still think in negative patterns. My friends used to say " Michelle why are you so negative all the time?" My response would be "What do you mean I'm not negative." I wasn't able to see that by talking about not being able to stand up and succeed I was setting myself up to fail.
My goals for the week:
Read the Information from A Ticket to Work Disibility
make contacts with prospective resources
Think Positively Identify when the thinking returns to negative nonproductive chatter
"ATTA GIRL"
While traveling I seemed to not be so negative but in all reality I was basically in survival mode. While not dwelling on the real issues in my life for a minute was nice the down time that I have had since coming here reminds me that I still think in negative patterns. My friends used to say " Michelle why are you so negative all the time?" My response would be "What do you mean I'm not negative." I wasn't able to see that by talking about not being able to stand up and succeed I was setting myself up to fail.
My goals for the week:
Read the Information from A Ticket to Work Disibility
make contacts with prospective resources
Think Positively Identify when the thinking returns to negative nonproductive chatter
"ATTA GIRL"
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Sidetracked By Storm
The fear factor was high the last two days I ate snack foods at an alarming rate. I have a fear of thunderstorms and we've had two days of them. When I was young, the lightening mesmerized me and the thunder scared me. I would gasp or scream when the thunder would shake the windows. Counting the seconds from the lightening strikes to the thunder did not help it just made me more afraid when it was close. During a particularly loud storm was passing my father had had enough of my nonsense and took me outside when I wouldn't stop screaming. He gave me several chances to stop I just could not control my angst. Well in the yard the storm seemed even more fierce and he yelled at me and told me I could come back in when I could control myself. Well I stayed outside in a crumpled heep screaming into the earth. I don't remember him taking me back inside only that I didn't go in myself. I never screamed again when storms went through you could find me buried in my bed. As a young adult, I was driving for Metro Transit the year was 1980 three to five tornadoes ripped through the city. I was in the middle of that storm as I had just gotten off my shift, It came in fast and furious and left just as quickly. As a city employee I was required to act like a member of the National Guard. I returned to work and was told to go downtown, I helped to dig out behind the JC Penney building where the whole side of the building had collapsed upon an elevated cross walk leading to a parking garage. There were 5 people buried alive in there. When we found the first lady and pulled her out she was smashed beyond human recognition. I lost my cookies and was asked to go to the Hilton a large conventions center in mid town. Where I had to take glass out of peoples hair and send them to emergency personel if it was something serious. It was an extremely long day and weeks to follow and my fear of storms turned into an emotional battle field. When I hear news broadcasts of storms or sirens I get a sick feeling and my heart races, and I have difficulty swallowing and feel like I am going to choke. (part of the reason I don't watch TV) After the storm arrives and is raging outside I eat, not because I am hungry I'm not sure why...but what I do know is I need to ask for an anti anxiety med for just those times. I can't escape all the storms and I can't gorge myself when they come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)