All who wander are not lost..JRR. Tolkien

Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm

I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I haven't posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...Always the rescuer heh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..Then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...Then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...Her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsened as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...Where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultrum for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.

At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...

Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...And IM resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...That I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...They have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...Doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? Or drug users? Or people who have trouble staying in one place?

*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.

posted by Shell at 11:06 PM
Monday July 25th 2005

There is no program that "fits" me unless I checked myself into a hospital that deals with the disorder. I don't feel like I need to be hospitalized . I can leave this situation and get another one...or can I fight the bureaucracy and get an advocate to help me through this particular crisis..I feel frozen I cant make a rational decision...There's just too much going on....So I am going to break it down and see if I can't figure it out...

Tuesday July 26th

I am fighting myself to stay put..I get my disability check next Monday...My mind is screaming at me to just pack up and head on out...Anything would be better than feeling like I failed myself yet again....I have not begun to pack...As I am trying really hard to figure out a rational response to the latest...Ok so I need to write down everything that has happened thus far...So here it goes..

I moved into My Sisters House, thinking that it would be a safe place for me to work things out, find out what is on my credit report and pay some of the bills so I can rebuild my credit. The only current bill I had was to SBC for my phone (internet) which I shut off when I left Big Rapids. I was told that I could get a phone after 90 days. So I wanted to pay that off. My case manager said I shouldn't pay any bills until we discussed it, and went on vacation. When I got the first check in the house I spent some of it on my kids...Tony is raising 4 kids so I bought the grand babies some shoes and an outfit...I spent around 50 dollars on Heather for school supplies she is a graphic artist living as a non traditional student in the dorms..(everything she owns is in her room that is shared by another student) her space is very limited. since I have been homeless for over a year I have not been able to do anything for either of them. They are my life...the kids are what kept me going for years. I am in menopause suffering from empty nest syndrome without a nest...lol
So my case manager comes back from vacation and was upset with me for spending money on the kids, and said to hang onto the money the next month. I again asked her if I could pay on the phone bill she said no. In the house there is a pay phone in the hall way that is community and had a posted 5 minutes per day phone limit, which was not followed by any residents...One in particular would tie up the phone for hours. I didn't get messages from my kids or the resources I was linking to. So the next month I went and bought a cell phone, I had to place a 125 dollar deposit on it. And it cost 125 dollars for the first month and activation. I did not ask permission. Each time I asked to discuss where my money should be going I was looking for feedback so I could make the decision. This is where we (case manager and I) started butting heads. Instead of discussing anything that I was doing it was like I was a little kid in the darn whipping line. So I bought what I wanted screw it my rent was 180 bucks and I could spend the money anyway I chose. (Self sabotage) Because I want to fix the situation I am in....The case manager had already made up her mind that I didn't "fit" ......*sigh
Since I made a purchase that was determined by my credit history I requested the copy of the credit report used. I showed the paper work to my case manager and she signed it and sent it out after I changed my address on my license, which I did the next day. Ok the time line on all this is a little fuzzy....
I got a counselor at cherry Street Clinic
A physician at St, Marys Clinic
I got wrote up for having my kids over on Mothers Day as it fell on a weekend and I didn't get prior authorization...The kids didn't even know if they could make it until Saturday night....And I could not have seen them all if I didn't watch the twins in the morning. Tony went to pick up my grandson from visitation and his sister (my daughter) from her dads, there would not have been enough room in the van for all of them.
I got wrote up for missing a curriculum class..They changed the address of meeting places..I was not informed of where it would be...So I went to the wrong place.
I got wrote up for not having a full 20 hours in for volunteering I was called a liar about my disabilities as I don't look sick and the first volunteer position I had was too physical, sorting cloths for In The Image, and I fell on the sidewalk....And a paper the case manager received from my doctor said "Patient states she has PTSD" so she assumed I had self diagnosed after being given a copy of this blogger.
I got the fourth write up for missing a case manager meeting when I was up all night the night before with what the doctor thought might have been appendicitis....I was then asked to sign a 60 day contract...More later..I'm tired

Thursday July 28th

Self sabotage

1. I live with other people so I don't have to be alone with myself
2.When someone in authority tells me I have to do something I rebel and do the complete opposite...comes from my immature coping skills..I did it with my Dad if I was going to get beaten I was going to deserve it.
3. I live in the cycle of abuse...I surround myself with dysfunctional people- co-dependent
4. Negative self talk interrupts the positives.
...

While all the above was going on I started developing a fund raising event for a program here called Shepherds of Independance...it is on hold as I haven't come to a decision...and don't know when I can fix this....

Saturday July 30, 2005

I am exhausted, today I slept until 4 in the afternoon..it will be hard to sleep tonight... I applied to a few apartment complexes to appease my case manager but I skipped last weeks meeting with her...I don't want to make any rash decisions and I don't feel like arguing my points because they don't seem to matter anyway. I have had several offers from friends on line to come and stay with them..but I know in my heart that I need to work this out alone. I also know that running away isn't the answer either. Yesterday my daughter stopped at the house and brought me a very early birthday present. She was on her way to Canada with her college friends. Her present was a lavender pillow like I had given to her last year, you lay it over your eyes and the smell of the lavender and the darkness helps to bring on sleep. She also put some bath salts in it which was for muscle relaxation. She designed and made the card and we reminisced about her art maturity...She has developed a professional attitude about her art I do believe she will go far. She also supports anything I choose to do, and wants to speak with the case manager before I leave as she feels like they are doing me a huge disservice by asking me to leave. Well it's 10:30 and I need to walk home so I'll say goodnight and I'll try and write some at home...til then Peace Shell

Sunday July 30th

(:45

I get my check tommorrow, I think I'm just going to take off somewhere anywhere...I can't do this desicion stuff...I still don't have a home my heart is in a million pieces everyone thinks I am this strong person with goals and ambitions what they don't see is just how messy the real me is. I was told by the latest therapist that I would have this PTSD forever it isnt going away I cant make it go away either...Shit I can't even figure out that I just needed to pay bills...is that why I didn't "fit" ? I have known for a long time that I don't "fit" ... I am a puzzle with too many pieces missing to ever make a whole picture... Uncle

Welcome 2005

Welcome

If you have PTSD then you are already living in hell.



A very dear friend of mine said:

"It's not about the Destination it's all about the Journey"

" If you feel like your going through hell...well my friends that's not the place to stop."


I wholeheartedly agree.
PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder what is it?
How did I get it?
Do I have to be medicated for the rest of my life?
The chaos I create just keeps going, it's a vicious cycle... I want to get off this merry-go-round.
My adventure started long before PTSD was even recognized as a disorder. I was not a service (vietnam) related PTSD as it has been commonly referred to. I was traumatized as a child with the death of my mother, and then later by abusive men. My responses to stress is often compounded by the miscued thinking patterns developed as a coping mechanism. It is my hope to publish my story and my recovery attempts here, to help anyone else who may be in the same situation.
I am currently homeless once again living in Grand Rapids Michigan, I am trying to get into a transitional housing program so I can repair my credit so I can qualify for subsidized housing before I end up a bag lady. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I work towards the new goal. Thanks Shell

Happy Thanksgiving

Wow...I have a lot to be Thankful for... I got to go on an incredible Journey ...A Journey to Self it may seem like a short Journey to you but I still don't remember the first 9 years of my life. I do NOT want to open that Pandora's Box.

It may happen and God help me when it does... The knowledge that I still have something in my past that my brain couldn't handle back then, is the catalyst to figure out who I really am. Knowledge is key for me to not take drugs...I am not on any medications... I need to bear with the pain or be doped up on drugs that are popping up on list of suits involving recalls/ dangerous drugs...Vioxx, Bextra, Celebrex, Neurontin, Oxycontin, those are the names of the drugs I know they gave me the physicians I mean... I really do feel like a guinea pig....

I'm no longer trying to help my friend, I've been up here for a couple weeks now...And still have stress in my life...My days and night's are all screwed up I left there in a panic mode. My friend is setting himself up to lose everything... But can't see beyond the alcoholic nightmare he lives in. I'm not going to feel bad about my choice to leave. That was the wisest choice for me. I do feel awful, gut wrenching awful that I can't help my friend... It was much too dangerous living there.... So I am functioning in classic PTSD form... I do have several friends at the moment who I can count on to talk me through some things... So anyway it is time for me to get back into this... This healing of me through writing...Til the next time Happy Thanksgiving and have a Blessed Day

Hi, Friends

Today is well... It's another day in the life of PTSD....
My daughter bless her heart was disowned by her Power and Control Freak Dad...
It wasn't enough to make me move away from her...He tried to control her when he bought her a phone for college... He reads her mail...Instead of helping his 19 year old child wade through the college paperwork he accuses her of lying...
It's been this way for all of the 19 years, he didn't have control of me so he used her in a power struggle dragging me to court telling her to be careful or she would end up like me fat and lazy. She is an artist and a very talented one at that... But to get her Dad to support her emotionally is like trying to pull teeth from a tiger...Yah might as well get the stitches first.

On to the second latest thing...I was living with a friend trying to help him help himself with his PTSD...He wasn't ready...His life style would need to change in order for him to heal and he would rather drink himself to death. I moved back to the town my daughter is in so I can keep in touch with her more closely...The kids have been so important in my life for the last 23 years, I need to be connected to them...Even though they are starting their own lives they appreciate the sacrifices I made for them and have recently let me know that they recognize those sacrifices.
I'm really tired of the chaos this disorder brings to the table...I just don't seem to have control.

I'm still not on any medications none for my chronic pain and none for depression...I'm still a resident of Alabama with Alabama Medicaid, that I can't use...And a bank account that was drained by the drunks at my friends house...I need to stop procrastinating and fix it so this week that is the plan get back on track with everything...So for now Peace... And keep me in your prayers...Shell



Sunday July 24th 7:30 pm

I want to keep my blog inside the Welcome posts... I know I havent posted in quite some time but I need to do this right now...
When I moved to Big Rapids again I moved in with a friend who was newly divorced and drinking to stifle the pain she was feeling...I've been there done that so I thought I could relate and maybe help her...always the rescuer eh? Well anyway it started alright I was to share a room with her daughter as she was remodeling her house..then she moved in two fellows to help her pay the mortgage because she was behind...then the more she drank and smoked the more violent and stressed she became. I started hiding in my room as she began to slam doors and cupboards and throw things breaking them...her anger was not directed at me but I avoid violence... I had enough of that as a kid.
The situation worsend as the winter months went by, and then on the 1st of March I had enough, and was packed to leave...where to I didn't have a clue. I called a friend and she picked me up. I called the shelters and there were no openings in Big Rapids but there were some in Grand Rapids and Muskegon. I chose Grand Rapids and moved down the following day. Still living out of my suitcases from my trip around the country.
My pain levels were more than I could handle, before I left I went back to DR. VanRyn in Reed City he gave me an inflammatory and Ultram for pain and put me back on the Prozac. I also saw a therapist at CMH she helped me decide to leave insuring me it was a rational move at the time. I could not continue to live where there was violence.

At the end of March I had found and was accepted into a transitional housing program, through The Salvation Army. I stayed at Mel Trotter ministries in the interim. You had to leave the building by 8 each morning and return by 4 in the afternoon. It was difficult but I managed to find things to do. Going from being a sedentary recluse to walking the streets each day was exhausting. Medications were given morning and night if you missed the scheduled times too bad. Not easy...

Ok so I was accepted into this transitional housing program, It was my understanding that they would be working with me on the reasons I was *recidivist homeless. I have a tendency to run when things get nuts like leaving Kalamazoo...Leaving Big Rapids...and I'm resourceful so I haven't had to live in the streets. I have been homeless about 8 times...I still am...They are saying that I don't "fit" the program and I need to aggressively seek a permanent housing situation or go to court and be evicted. I feel like they are throwing in the towel...that I am not going to be able to beat this disorder. I have done what they asked me to do...they have called me a liar and penalized me for being the way I am. The case manager is under the assumption that I self diagnosed the PTSD which is simply not true. I even tried to prove it to them...doesn't matter I still don't "fit" They are trying to tell me that isn't a bad thing just a reality. Then why did they accept me into the program in the first place? Is the program for alcoholics? or drug users? or people who have trouble staying in one place?

*recidivist= someone who lapses into previous undesirable patterns of behavior.

Hi, Friends

Hi,
I'm sitting still for the moment, I am back in Michigan. I am the assistant manager to my Chronic Pain Site if you have chronic pain it's a great place for support. I have been off medication for almost two months. My mood is fragile, in that the slightest things sometimes makes me cry. I am going to see my therapist soon, at the Sundance Center for Equine therapy.
I have agreed to stay here at my friends house while he is admitted to the VA hospital for a 90 day program. He has Vietnam related PTSD and can't seem to deal with the pain let alone identify how to fix it. His military records are incomplete lost in the bizarre record keeping practices of Vietnam. As with some PTSD sufferers he creates Chaos in his life to keep the dreams and memories at bay. He drinks heavily as well. Which doesn't make a good combination for the people who surround him. He is a deadly weapon ready to explode. So for the time being I am trying to keep on top of my PTSD and help a fellow sufferer in the process. I got some great pictures on my trips and will soon try to update them...Much Love Shell

It's been a while

Hi Friends,

I know I haven't posted in a while, I apologize. I have been very comfortable here at my friends and have dealt with a lot of emotional stuff. I also visited with some of my friends. My daughter is all set for college, other than moving into the dorm. My sons baby is due any day, and I'm ready for the second leg of my Journey. Taking baby steps and reading, I am going to be fine. I'll be absent for a bit, please keep me in your prayers.

Flying Fretless

Ever she flies past lifes open flames

like the wind swift and true

she soars over mountains

just hoping to catch the view

the light of steel blue casts glitter to her wing

the music guides her

straight and true

onward and upward

to the heavens she soars

she's got the mood

she's in the groove

can't touch down

or stay around

if you see her say good bye

she's flyin past lifes open flames

on her way to catch the view...

Michelle Hazard 5/11/03

I am planning on starting a new feature to my blogger, I have a few friends who can write creatively and I would like to get back into it maybe write a collaberative effort...Watch for it...Love Shell

Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer

Sunday. July 7 2004 Sent to mail...8/21

“You have to say it to believe it” + me = recovery

I began this week by reading from a book a friend gave me, since I began my Journey with a book and I was reminded to seek clarity. I even stayed in a mission , and attended services and read from the bible. Heard a number of speakers come, who seemed to speak to me, and friends and aquaintences have each given me some sort of reading material. So I am not surprised that my friend gave me this one, I think I am ready to heal. The title is “Beauty For Ashes” by Joyce Meyer (link)
I havent gotten very far into the book I am on page 49…but the topic is “ receiving emotional healing” I can now identify things that make up the disorder at least in my case. I catch myself all the time being my own worst abuser I have to fix that part of me by: “receiving emotional healing” In the book she descibes her life so far as one which mirrors me, but for a few minor exceptions. She describes my inability to love because I don’t know what it is…She describes my guilt and shame….and again I am only on page 49 because I am amazed that I am not alone, there is someone else in this world who is on the road to recovery. Through Jesus “ all things are possible”. (quote)


I am in a panic mode, so I need to calm down.
I don’t have to run off to the beach , but I can go if I choose to go there.
I can stay here because I am house sitting for a friend when she leaves on vacation next week
Kid is ready for college
Other ones in the oven
Overqualified for a position at a Christian Camp, but underqualified for sharing the true
love of Jesus.
I don’t have to keep doing stuff I shouldn’t be, like moving around a bunch of too heavy boxes. It just isn’t worth the additional pain…I have a high pain tolerance and currently taking Ultram only when I can’t stand or sit….which is far too long to wait….I need to boost my metabolism. And I am off Prozac. I weined myself off them over a month as I currently have the wrong states medicaid.
I am processing options all the way through, considering the consequences.
Atta Girl

I am a Survivor

sent to mail 7/21

I can't do this...I can't pretend to be friends...By pretend I mean that you see no hope for a future...Where my hope is justing becoming true...We spoke (typed) about our fellow hope...and also said I am raw..my heart is bleeding it's been so wrapped up in barbed wire that I thought I might bleed to death...I can see myself changing for the better, accepting me for who I turned out to be...When I started my Journey I didn't know who I was, these last few months have turned out to be very enlightening. I discovered that I didn't want to pretend that hope of loving someone who couldn't love me back wasn't hurting me. It's difficult to keep that feeling of desperate hope alive, in a healthy fashion. I like that part of me who can find hope in even the most hopeless conditions, of which I have endured many. I am a survivor in it's truist form.
Yet I don't have to accept something in my life that hurts me, I can turn my scars into stars and fill the sky....

New Plans

Hi friends, sent to mail 7/21

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have a tendency to put other people first, I worry about what they are doing and I sometimes forget that I should be worried about where I am going. I have been working hard at trying to keep things in perspective in my own world. Which is why I am writing today. My daughter is an angel, who God put in my life, she has been an example to live by. She is working at a Christian camp called Springhill 44* in Michigan. It has occurred to me that I love kids and they seem attracted to me, I mean I have never met a kid who didn't like me. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching them in whatever situation presents itself. I think due to my disabilities the disc fusion and arthritis I would have a hard time in a traditional job. Plus my PTSD which I am learning about all the time, but I am in no way cured. I need more time to heal from all the wounds, I still have flashbacks to instances of abuse, and I still am my own worst abuser. I also know I can't survive on the limited income of SSI it's supposed to supplement income but I don't have any other. I am writing a resume and will be submitting it to the camp in the hopes that I can work with little kids, we can grow in our spiritual lives together. I have a hard time sometimes with my faith and letting god handle my problems. Children have such a unique view and I think we can grow with one another.
When I am busy I don't have the time to think about the past. So get busy! ATTA Girl


It’s easier to see the connections to a poor coping mechanisms. Not so easy to impliment new ones. Next step is a baby step, but I’m not sure which way it’s going.


I can’t stand confrontation…I can’t think about anything but where and what the persons hands are doing…and a raised voice frightens me. I become paralized with fear. Occasionally I will pass this edge of my comfort zone and raise my voice, my response never matches what I would have liked to have said. I would prefer to walk away and compose myself and if necessary write it down. Than say something – 1. I can’t take back (spewed in anger), and 2. I don’t want to lose sight of what caused the potential confrontation, because I wan’t to avoid another one. I can run away from confrontations or I can choose to not get into them. How about understanding where the reaction comes from, yep you guessed it abuse.. Ok I have identifyed the problem.
Recently I avoided a confrontation it cost me a friendship of sorts. Granted the friendship was a combination of two worlds. The old Michelle and the learning one of present day. That included the past patterns that I developed in regards to unhealthy relationships. Confrontations are at least from my perspective unhealthy. In a healthy relationship two people can communicate as equals. I think if given an equal platform a disagreement wouldn’t have to escalate to a confrontation.
So now I have taken responsibility for the past patterns, and identified a solution. Surround myself with healthy people who can communicate in a non threatening way. When a confrontaion does arrise, don’t feel bad because I chose to walk away, it’s ok. I haven’t compromised myself. I grew up with unhealthy confrontations and as an adult I choose to give my self permission to walk away.

Retelling of the story has made it easier to say…
You know you have to say it to believe it…

Shells Photo Album

sent to mail 7/29





Hi, Its me and one of my cake decorating masterpieces, a five tier butterfly garden.


Posted by Hello

Music is in my Soul

sent to mail 7/29

The first friend who introduced me to my life of a music lover was a fellow named Kevin. I haven’t seen him since 1977. He played the bass, could handle himself on a drum set and he played rhythm guitar. He also gave me my first kiss, on the banks of the Sacromento River, I so love the river. He was way too young for me being 2 years my junior and me being 4000 miles away from home. It just didn’t seem right, we had a lot of fun together but he was in love with his high school sweetheart, I didn’t have a prayer at a relationship. He took me to his band practice and showed me how to use the sound board. They were totally Garage band, but at times could pull out to a really great sound. He also spoiled me as I would prefer a bass played with fingers instead of picked. There is just so much more sound to a finger play….I discovered that the popular music here in Michigan was on a two month or so delay. Bob Seger (Yes, Detroit Michigan Native), Pablo Cruise, Boz Scaggs, Daryll Hall and John Oates, Earth Wind and Fire, Heart, Nazareth geesh the list goes on and on…when I got back here these already my favorite songs were just being played after I had already been home 2 months. Went to San Franciso in a banana yellow VW bug, with the best 8 track money could buy. Turned it off and listened to the radio instead. I can still remember how free I felt...
I went to Wing's Stadium in Kalamazoo to see an outdoor concert, one of the guys I worked with was playing. When I got there they were having some difficulty setting up as they were running late. I pitched in and helped, with the experiences I had in California it was easy for me to help instead of be in the way. I liked the sound they had, my friend, ironically named Kevin t too played the keyboards. He had a Hammond organ with a seperate leslie cabinet. I eventually became their roady as I could go to the bars with them and feel safe. I helped load in and out and occasionally run the sound or lights.

cont...

WHOA!!!!

Hi Friends, sent to mail 7/21
I titled this piece "whoa" because I need to regroup, chaos is threatening, or should I say looming. I traveled a lot of miles in the last few months. Some of the mental miles (If you have PTSD then you know what I mean) didn't feel as tiring as the mental mileage I've gotten since being back here. I have been bombarded with some pretty heavy emotional burdens. I came back on the train at 7:30pm after having ridden the train for 12 hours. I was met at the station by my son and future daughter in-law and her 3 children 18 month old twins and a 4 year old. I am already Grandma to these kids and she is pregnant due in late August or Early September, with my sons child. I was tired and visited with them for a short time, at my friends house.
The next day they announced that my son had to go out of town for work and they were homeless. Well I couldn't have asked my friend if they could stay there? So I went with my daughter in=law to my parents house borrowed 50 bucks and took her out to Lake Michigan for what I assumed would be for a week. So, now I accepted responsibility for my sons problems and I have to figure out how to give it back. My daughter surprised us all with a visit, she has been working at a Christian Camp for the summer to help with her college.
She also knows that I'm gullible, and can become the victim easily.
Now don't let me kid ya here she loves Lake Michigan as much or more than I do. She was concerned about me before I even took my daughter in-law out there. I so hope I'm not holding her back with this disorder and my constant battles. Well anyway I struggled camping this time, which is something that seems impossible, at least for me. I love to camp and I'm quite calm and mellow given the right circumstances. I used to camp with both of my kids and have lots of fond memories. This time was horrible I felt like I was being tossed into a situation I couldn't control nor accept. Neither my son or his girlfriend have enough patience to be parents to 4 children. They seem to yell at the kids 24/7, and neither one wanted to chase them either. I tried to take them on walks as far as I could go, they are so cute and say some pretty funny stuff. I cannot pick them up because of my disc fusion, so when they bumped their shins or skinned their knees, we stopped and I comforted them and then we limped back to camp.
I was allowed less and less time with the kids and if I said anything to them for misbehaving I was undermining their Mother. I decided that I couldn't stay because I want to be grandma and if I can save them from being yelled at for a couple hours that's all I wanted. It just made her mad, which in turn made my son angry because she wouldn't talk to me but made him play the middle. I told my daughter that I was leaving which is when she told me that my son had lost everything I had left in his care. All the keepsakes I had saved for the kids, her awards and certificates, her diploma etc. etc, all gone. I had known about it and assumed that he had told her before then.
So now the emotions are really flying I told my son I was ready to leave and he informed me that he wasn't taking me back to Kalamazoo until the next day.
I was so frustrated and angry and confused I wanted out of my haven, the haven that turned into a nightmare. I grabbed the suitcases I have dragged from one side of the country to the other and tried to walk the 45 minute drive. I made it to the telephone before reason kicked in, and I decided to make some phone calls. I ended up sleeping on the beach until a thunderstorm came in then I slept on a picnic table in the pavilion. I avoided any direct confrontation with the kids and left not saying the things I probably needed to. I would rather leave it open than say something I might regret later.
So now I am trying to take care of my daughters college paper work it seems as we are 4000 short for her school this year. It has to be a paper glitch I just hope it isn't my glitch.
Oh I almost forgot! Not really I can't forget it like I can't forget all the things my Dad said when I was a kid. When I went to borrow the money he had to remind me that my son being homeless is not surprising because wasn't I in the same situation?
Well by golly he is right I am homeless and wandering around the country like a damned gypsy....

The Fourth of July

Hi Friends,
Still alive, I am currently camping on Lake Michigan with my 23 year old son and future daughter in-law her three children a 4 year old and 18 month old twins. She is now 5 months pregnant. If you have been with me throughout this journey than you already know the kids are the reason I went on the traveling portion of my Journey. They (both son and daughter in law) do not have the patience I always had for the kids and the things kids do, like picking up rocks and sticking them in their mouths it's just something kids do. Instead of redirecting them they immediately get a spanking and a time out. It has made for some miserable camping, so I am not staying with them I am going to go back to Kalamazoo for a minute then up to Big Rapids to help my daughter with her financial aid for college. I also plan on taking a canoe trip even if I have to go alone. I think I need some more alone time. While in Kansas I succeeded in pissing off a dear friend. Well sorry this is so short and brief I new that some of you would worry not having heard from me. So until the next time Happy 4th of July and safe vacationing.

Fathers Day

Tomorrow I am leaving Kansas on a Journey back to Michigan, I am feeling very melancholy. I do not want to go back to Michigan I don't feel like I should be going there yet. Where I should be is the golden question. Yesterday was Fathers Day my son called to wish me a Happy Fathers Day I was his Father and Mother as he grew up. His genetic Father as I explained earlier was an alcoholic and didn't want to be a part of his life until he was dying of cancer. I had to be both roles a father and mother to my kids, I can't even pretend to think I possibly filled the shoes of the male role. I preferred the physical rigors of outdoor work and instilled those values in my son. My past abuse issues made it so the discipline was the hardest part for me, I abhor violence of any kind. You know that old saying "Boys will be boys" some people told me I would make a woos out of my son by not allowing him to kick the crap out of people who angered him. Of course when I wasn't around he got into fisticuffs with school mates but I would always tell him to look for a better solution. Physical violence never solves anything. He helped his sister when she was about 12 years old prepare for a fight. It seems as there was a bully girl at school and she just wouldn't leave my daughter alone, knowing how I felt she didn't come to me about it but went to her brother for advice. Since the kids were normal they had done their fair share of scrapping as they grew, and her big brother knew her weaknesses. After the fight was over my daughter found that the fight did not solve anything, but she garnered support with her peers and the girl was no longer a threat she didn't look as tough anymore persay.
It was that year that they realized that I wasn't so far off about the issue and when Fathers Day came around they gave me a card and said Happy Fathers Day. When I called my father yesterday he was too busy to talk to me, he had to glue a chair? I so wish I had a relationship with a man that was healthy, someone to share those moments in my children's life when only a male perspective seems to fit. Oh well, Happy Fathers Day, Dad.

Lap 1

In a couple days I am going to complete a lap around the USA, Having traveled for four months in chronic pain has been a challenge and some say I am courageous. I don't feel courageous, and I feel just as lost as when I set out in February. I have no home, I have no monetary assets, and really no future. I'll eek out a future but it's so hard to plan for the future when you can't let go of the past. Every time I think I have made progress something else comes in to recreate the victim. I have been the victim for so long, I want to stop the cycle but I'm just not sure how.
I feel like I should isolate myself from the world sometimes so that I can't create more pain for myself. I create my crisis, I make myself the victim. They say that accepting responsibility for your own actions is a good first step, so whats the second step? Change the thought pattern, accept that things are not as they seem, and the perception of the responsibility you hold may be skewed. Even if I isolated myself from the world I would still create chaos. Dang, I hate this disorder!
Anyway I'll be back in Michigan for the summer to see my kids and become a Grandma so til next time....Peace

Arrested Development

Well this is hard to admit to I thought I had it figured out. I rented the trailer then called the Electric Company to have the Utilities put in my name..."150 dollar deposit, and we can turn that on for you mame" "Oh your a first time user here it will cost you 40 dollars to have it hooked up."
I had enough for rent not for all that...I immediately told the landlord and he refunded my money as he didn't want me to rent it if I didn't have utilities. Apparently it gets real hot here even in the shade. So I am going to visit my friend Ron in Kansas then I guess I'll go back to Michigan.
The good news is what I recently learned about childhood trauma. It is a theory that when a child suffers a traumatic event whatever coping skills they already have are the ones they rely on, even as adults. That's not to say I had good coping skills because I didn't. My coping skill was being passive aggressive. Like the chocolate chip cookies, by gosh if I was going to be beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies I sure as heck was going to eat them. I went out of my way to do things my father told me I couldn't do. Like skipping school he told us that we better not skip, I did it all the time not for smoking purposes or drinking I really had no clue as to what kids did when they skipped. I went to the West Main Mall and played foosball (table hockey). I played against professional players and they taught me to make bank shots I could play both offense and defense and even played in a couple of 100,000 dollar tournaments.
Then as a young adult I still tried to anger my father, I hung out with people who did drugs even trying some myself. Started smoking, figured out what sex was and made up for lost time. It wasn't really lost time I felt that way I was sweet 18 and got my first kiss on the Sacramento River in California. I worked in strip clubs, and even danced for a while. I wrestled in Jello and Chocolate pudding, losing my title in Hot oil. Ah, I'm straying from the point. I don't believe I made a conscience decision rather it was the coping skill which set me up for skewed thinking.
Later I had some extremely strange passive aggressive moments. There was a fellow I knew who kept asking me if he could borrow my truck. It seemed as though whenever he took the truck it would come back to me missing a fender or low on fluids or empty of gas. I couldn't seem to garner enough strength to tell him no, instead I came across a spray paint can and embellished on both sides of my truck "Michelle's Caddy". My son had given me Cadillac hubcaps for my birthday as a gag gift. Now you know that guy wouldn't go anywhere near my truck anymore. LOL
I also sent a funeral bouquet of flowers to a friend or rather an exfriend after he wouldn't talk to me for a month. With a card that simply said " My condolences on the recent death of a friendship" The problem was I sent black roses and I sent him the flowers at his job.
I recognized this as passive aggressive, albeit somewhat funny but not really, I hurt myself by not learning better coping mechanisms. My passive aggressive tendencies didn't affect my relationship with woman in quite the same manner, I was just passive.
It will be interesting to learn more about what coping mechanisms I use and which ones need attention.

Good News!

Hi Friends,
Thanks for the prayers they did marvelous things. I found an apartment. Well rather a studio apartment, very small but a place to reside. It's not too far from Dothan and I can afford it. I don't have a computor there, and it's a little too far to walk. So when I come to town I'll try and come here to the library and give you all an update. For now I have a doctor and a theripist, and we will see how it goes. So for now, know that I am ok, and that I have the best part of my Journey coming soon. I'll be working very hard on stopping the negative self talk, and looking for ways to see myself more clearly. Again Thank You all and God Bless. Love Shell

"Brand New Morning"

Dear Friends,
I know you'll be dismayed after reading this post, but I am OK. I need to find another place to stay and don't have a clue as to where to go. I don't have enough money to get an apartment but do have enough to buy a tent. I have camped before and I can do it again. I won't be able to access my email as regular as I have in the recent past.
I received a copy of Bob Segers music one in particular has given me hope for the future. It seems as I need a "Brand New Morning" . The lyrics can be found at Segerfile.com, part of the lyrics refers to the past and the past being ancient history. I am a member of Segernet.com, which was an effort to get Bob Seger into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (He made it this year!) Through Segernet I have learned a lot about myself, my inferiority complex caused some real problems in the beginning. I was really new to the computer and didn't understand it. I was stressed out, going through some classes for Domestic Violence. A friend of mine wrote an article for the Chicken Soup series about me and it was accepted. I wrote about it at segernet which really wasn't an appropriate forum to write about it. When I was asked not to write about DV I reacted in a classic PTSD response when I got Gateway timeouts I thought I had been banned for my reaction. I wasn't but I told my son who reacted to it as an insult to his mother. The problems was, there was no problem, my son wouldn't back down and was eventually banned. I regretted the whole thing, but decided to remain a member to learn.
It took me several months to figure out what a gateway timeout was, and when I finally did I felt like an idiot. I'm not, of course I've learned a lot from the whole incident, about computers, Bob Seger, and an important lesson in not jumping to conclusions.
So when my friend asked me to find another living arrangement, because her niece is here with her family, my initial reaction was to jump to a conclusion. I haven't done anything wrong. It's just time for me to go. So I will figure something out, I always do, God is with me, and has a plan. "It's a Brand New Morning, It's a Brand New Day"

PTSD all mixed up

Hi Friend,
I've been here a month and have discovered a lot about myself which is cool but, I was supposed to live by myself for a while. It hasn't worked out that way actually it is border line chaos. I was staying with my friends Aunt, my friend had an arguement with her mother whom she lived with. So they are staying with the aunt as well. I love having the kids around 3 of them all under the age of 4, and all boys. They say the funniest things!
The problem is, not only am I never alone, in a small 2 bedroom house. I am sleeping on a couch. I was asked to make other arrangements for a place to stay as blood is thicker than water, which I totally understand.
So, I came in to post something that has been on my mind. It would seem that what you read here is all there is going on. Not so, the thoughts race through my head all the waking hours. It's hard to catch all the negative thing's I hurl at myself. When my friends Aunt asked me to find another arrangement, I started to think about what I could have possibly done to make her mad enough to throw me out. Previously I wouldn't ask what that was, just beat myself to death with negatives. I changed the pattern I asked if I had done something to make her angry. It took me several hours to get to that point but I'm glad I did. She isn't angry with me, I didn't do anything wrong, but she said " I think you would be better off living alone or out of the chaos anyway."
" But I can't ask my niece to leave. "
Immediatly the next round of negatives came in, what am I going to do? I can't afford to live on my own, unless I can get a subsidized apartment. I can't get a subsidized apartment because of my credit history. The student loan. Credit cards.
Utility companies...Etc. It (PTSD) is a vicious cycle. Even though I am identifying when my inner voice is negative. It seems as though there is always something else, that brings the negative back in. Very frustrating.

God helps those who help themselves, even when they have PTSD.

Wow that was powerful stuff, I'm feeling liberated to a certain degree. A friend of mine had a hard time reading one of my earlier posts as my feelings smacked of a very depressed person. Let's face it I am. I need to find the connections to what happenend in my past in order to change the corresponding negetive path in my brain.
Now that I have identified that the flashbacks of being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies had a powerful effect on me,I am going to try to explain what I have discovered. I discovered I could cause problems for this woman who professed to LOVE the seven stepchildren- heathens, yet the mere word "heathen" would make me scour the cupboards to eat again. Heathen was one of the nicer taunts. I was out to get the wicked stepmother, but at the same time I set myself up to be hurt, so I could forget about what was happening. Cause and effect.

I can't go back and fix any of my past but I can change the negative forces of PTSD. I will recover!