Dear Friends,
I know you'll be dismayed after reading this post, but I am OK. I need to find another place to stay and don't have a clue as to where to go. I don't have enough money to get an apartment but do have enough to buy a tent. I have camped before and I can do it again. I won't be able to access my email as regular as I have in the recent past.
I received a copy of Bob Segers music one in particular has given me hope for the future. It seems as I need a "Brand New Morning" . The lyrics can be found at Segerfile.com, part of the lyrics refers to the past and the past being ancient history. I am a member of Segernet.com, which was an effort to get Bob Seger into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (He made it this year!) Through Segernet I have learned a lot about myself, my inferiority complex caused some real problems in the beginning. I was really new to the computer and didn't understand it. I was stressed out, going through some classes for Domestic Violence. A friend of mine wrote an article for the Chicken Soup series about me and it was accepted. I wrote about it at segernet which really wasn't an appropriate forum to write about it. When I was asked not to write about DV I reacted in a classic PTSD response when I got Gateway timeouts I thought I had been banned for my reaction. I wasn't but I told my son who reacted to it as an insult to his mother. The problems was, there was no problem, my son wouldn't back down and was eventually banned. I regretted the whole thing, but decided to remain a member to learn.
It took me several months to figure out what a gateway timeout was, and when I finally did I felt like an idiot. I'm not, of course I've learned a lot from the whole incident, about computers, Bob Seger, and an important lesson in not jumping to conclusions.
So when my friend asked me to find another living arrangement, because her niece is here with her family, my initial reaction was to jump to a conclusion. I haven't done anything wrong. It's just time for me to go. So I will figure something out, I always do, God is with me, and has a plan. "It's a Brand New Morning, It's a Brand New Day"
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Friday, May 21, 2004
PTSD all mixed up
Hi Friend,
I've been here a month and have discovered a lot about myself which is cool but, I was supposed to live by myself for a while. It hasn't worked out that way actually it is border line chaos. I was staying with my friends Aunt, my friend had an arguement with her mother whom she lived with. So they are staying with the aunt as well. I love having the kids around 3 of them all under the age of 4, and all boys. They say the funniest things!
The problem is, not only am I never alone, in a small 2 bedroom house. I am sleeping on a couch. I was asked to make other arrangements for a place to stay as blood is thicker than water, which I totally understand.
So, I came in to post something that has been on my mind. It would seem that what you read here is all there is going on. Not so, the thoughts race through my head all the waking hours. It's hard to catch all the negative thing's I hurl at myself. When my friends Aunt asked me to find another arrangement, I started to think about what I could have possibly done to make her mad enough to throw me out. Previously I wouldn't ask what that was, just beat myself to death with negatives. I changed the pattern I asked if I had done something to make her angry. It took me several hours to get to that point but I'm glad I did. She isn't angry with me, I didn't do anything wrong, but she said " I think you would be better off living alone or out of the chaos anyway."
" But I can't ask my niece to leave. "
Immediatly the next round of negatives came in, what am I going to do? I can't afford to live on my own, unless I can get a subsidized apartment. I can't get a subsidized apartment because of my credit history. The student loan. Credit cards.
Utility companies...Etc. It (PTSD) is a vicious cycle. Even though I am identifying when my inner voice is negative. It seems as though there is always something else, that brings the negative back in. Very frustrating.
I've been here a month and have discovered a lot about myself which is cool but, I was supposed to live by myself for a while. It hasn't worked out that way actually it is border line chaos. I was staying with my friends Aunt, my friend had an arguement with her mother whom she lived with. So they are staying with the aunt as well. I love having the kids around 3 of them all under the age of 4, and all boys. They say the funniest things!
The problem is, not only am I never alone, in a small 2 bedroom house. I am sleeping on a couch. I was asked to make other arrangements for a place to stay as blood is thicker than water, which I totally understand.
So, I came in to post something that has been on my mind. It would seem that what you read here is all there is going on. Not so, the thoughts race through my head all the waking hours. It's hard to catch all the negative thing's I hurl at myself. When my friends Aunt asked me to find another arrangement, I started to think about what I could have possibly done to make her mad enough to throw me out. Previously I wouldn't ask what that was, just beat myself to death with negatives. I changed the pattern I asked if I had done something to make her angry. It took me several hours to get to that point but I'm glad I did. She isn't angry with me, I didn't do anything wrong, but she said " I think you would be better off living alone or out of the chaos anyway."
" But I can't ask my niece to leave. "
Immediatly the next round of negatives came in, what am I going to do? I can't afford to live on my own, unless I can get a subsidized apartment. I can't get a subsidized apartment because of my credit history. The student loan. Credit cards.
Utility companies...Etc. It (PTSD) is a vicious cycle. Even though I am identifying when my inner voice is negative. It seems as though there is always something else, that brings the negative back in. Very frustrating.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
God helps those who help themselves, even when they have PTSD.
Wow that was powerful stuff, I'm feeling liberated to a certain degree. A friend of mine had a hard time reading one of my earlier posts as my feelings smacked of a very depressed person. Let's face it I am. I need to find the connections to what happenend in my past in order to change the corresponding negetive path in my brain.
Now that I have identified that the flashbacks of being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies had a powerful effect on me,I am going to try to explain what I have discovered. I discovered I could cause problems for this woman who professed to LOVE the seven stepchildren- heathens, yet the mere word "heathen" would make me scour the cupboards to eat again. Heathen was one of the nicer taunts. I was out to get the wicked stepmother, but at the same time I set myself up to be hurt, so I could forget about what was happening. Cause and effect.
I can't go back and fix any of my past but I can change the negative forces of PTSD. I will recover!
Now that I have identified that the flashbacks of being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies had a powerful effect on me,I am going to try to explain what I have discovered. I discovered I could cause problems for this woman who professed to LOVE the seven stepchildren- heathens, yet the mere word "heathen" would make me scour the cupboards to eat again. Heathen was one of the nicer taunts. I was out to get the wicked stepmother, but at the same time I set myself up to be hurt, so I could forget about what was happening. Cause and effect.
I can't go back and fix any of my past but I can change the negative forces of PTSD. I will recover!
Saturday, May 15, 2004
PTSD Plea?
Friday, May 14, 2004
A Journey to self, PTSD recovery
http://shellssea.blogspot.com
Michelle Hazard
To Whom it may concern,
If your reading this then you have already accessed my site. Due, in part to my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I began this chronicle. To chronicle my Journey, one I took very seriously. I raised two children on welfare. The statistics are, that as a single parent my children should have criminal records, be on the street doing drugs and/ or hurting other people. Neither of my kids fell into the stigmas given them by my status. The welfare system is an all or nothing system. Several times in the 23 years it took me to raise the kids I went to ask for help only when I didn’t have any other option. Shortly after selling everything but the keepsakes, that I had diligently saved for my kids.
I was self employed, no health insurance, rented a house had a car and for the first time in my life I was paying the bills I owed (except the student loans) on 200 hundred dollars a week. After being threatened with gauranteement from a waitress position. One half of all that I made. I worked for a Holiday Inn as a server. The women who were employed there were out to make their own living, as a new comer I was given the smoking section or one large table while the rest of the section and of course the money went to those who had worked the longest. I didn’t make much so when threatened I did the only thing I could think of I quit.
I could n’t afford to lose half of my income anymore than someone who made 300,000 a year.
So I became a sub contractor. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to not pay the Social Security Taxes that would normally come directly from my employer, but ignorance is no excuse. When I became disabled in 2001, I was healthy other than being overweight but I had re-lost over 100 lbs in the years following my hospitalization in 1996. I had coached and played softball the previous summer with a co-ed group. The sudden onset of excruciating pain in my lower back sent me to the doctor, since I didn’t regularly see a physician I had to apply for medicaid. The physicians list provided 5 to 7 local doctors 90% of which were no longer excepting new clients. Which hasn’t changed since 2001; but, I found if I went to the emergency room they would assign me a follow up doctor and that was the way I could “ pick your doctor”.
I’ve been told by several people I shouldn’t expect the doctors to care about me. They are overworked. As they can only allow 15 minutes time to “visit” with a patient. There is no way on God’s green earth that a doctor can read the paperwork you have to fill out. The only thing he is going to be concerned about is what is happening today. By the time I spill out what has happened in the 3 years since that spring of 2001 my time is over. None of my suggestion as to what to do about my care is covered under medicaid. I need aqua aerobics. I need to know what stage of menopause I am in. I need total knee replacements, with my weight as it is I’ll never walk again. I asked about the possibility of a gastric bypass which my new orthopedic physician suggested. His reply? It isn’t a covered benefit. I have done the seesaw weight loss and weight gain+ for years and have a pear shape. My mother died of an extremely fast type of Breast Cancer, at age 34. My sister has Non Hodgkin Lymphoma. Both sides of my family have heart disease in their histories as well as stroke and high blood pressure. My blood pressure has maintained a healthy range throughout the past three years. I had about a three year struggle with gingivitis and huge abscesses which only ended after having my teeth pulled in 2002. I had an ovarian cyst implode during an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) sending the fluid back into my uterus. I had orthoscopic surgery done on my left knee in May along with a second D and C for the regulation of my cycle (always irregular). Then one month later I had the same surgery done on my right knee. I pushed myself to get moving again and to repair the damage to the knees. They removed bone spurs which were tearing the ligaments.
The lower back pain which has been there since this began, although less intense as when it started remains. The only diagnosis is overweight or obesity.
My question is simply this:
Should I agree with the diagnosis of totally and permanently disabled, or can an allowance be made to review my case with a representative of the Medicaid system, so I can follow my
Dream of being self sufficient?
Saturday February 15
Response:
No you shouldn't consider yourself permanently disabled. But instead of looking for what the doctor can do for me let's see what you can do for yourself!
Look up information on eating disorders you have one.
storms
mirrors
abuse- as seen on TV, w/ flashbacks being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies, I ate more cookies everyday to make up for the beatings I didn't deserve.
when sad
when nervous
when scared
when bored
when lonely
Which would make a gastric bypass moot. Very dangerous combination.
I eat stress creating a physical effect. Cause and effect.
Ok so now what?
A Journey to self, PTSD recovery
http://shellssea.blogspot.com
Michelle Hazard
To Whom it may concern,
If your reading this then you have already accessed my site. Due, in part to my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I began this chronicle. To chronicle my Journey, one I took very seriously. I raised two children on welfare. The statistics are, that as a single parent my children should have criminal records, be on the street doing drugs and/ or hurting other people. Neither of my kids fell into the stigmas given them by my status. The welfare system is an all or nothing system. Several times in the 23 years it took me to raise the kids I went to ask for help only when I didn’t have any other option. Shortly after selling everything but the keepsakes, that I had diligently saved for my kids.
I was self employed, no health insurance, rented a house had a car and for the first time in my life I was paying the bills I owed (except the student loans) on 200 hundred dollars a week. After being threatened with gauranteement from a waitress position. One half of all that I made. I worked for a Holiday Inn as a server. The women who were employed there were out to make their own living, as a new comer I was given the smoking section or one large table while the rest of the section and of course the money went to those who had worked the longest. I didn’t make much so when threatened I did the only thing I could think of I quit.
I could n’t afford to lose half of my income anymore than someone who made 300,000 a year.
So I became a sub contractor. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to not pay the Social Security Taxes that would normally come directly from my employer, but ignorance is no excuse. When I became disabled in 2001, I was healthy other than being overweight but I had re-lost over 100 lbs in the years following my hospitalization in 1996. I had coached and played softball the previous summer with a co-ed group. The sudden onset of excruciating pain in my lower back sent me to the doctor, since I didn’t regularly see a physician I had to apply for medicaid. The physicians list provided 5 to 7 local doctors 90% of which were no longer excepting new clients. Which hasn’t changed since 2001; but, I found if I went to the emergency room they would assign me a follow up doctor and that was the way I could “ pick your doctor”.
I’ve been told by several people I shouldn’t expect the doctors to care about me. They are overworked. As they can only allow 15 minutes time to “visit” with a patient. There is no way on God’s green earth that a doctor can read the paperwork you have to fill out. The only thing he is going to be concerned about is what is happening today. By the time I spill out what has happened in the 3 years since that spring of 2001 my time is over. None of my suggestion as to what to do about my care is covered under medicaid. I need aqua aerobics. I need to know what stage of menopause I am in. I need total knee replacements, with my weight as it is I’ll never walk again. I asked about the possibility of a gastric bypass which my new orthopedic physician suggested. His reply? It isn’t a covered benefit. I have done the seesaw weight loss and weight gain+ for years and have a pear shape. My mother died of an extremely fast type of Breast Cancer, at age 34. My sister has Non Hodgkin Lymphoma. Both sides of my family have heart disease in their histories as well as stroke and high blood pressure. My blood pressure has maintained a healthy range throughout the past three years. I had about a three year struggle with gingivitis and huge abscesses which only ended after having my teeth pulled in 2002. I had an ovarian cyst implode during an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) sending the fluid back into my uterus. I had orthoscopic surgery done on my left knee in May along with a second D and C for the regulation of my cycle (always irregular). Then one month later I had the same surgery done on my right knee. I pushed myself to get moving again and to repair the damage to the knees. They removed bone spurs which were tearing the ligaments.
The lower back pain which has been there since this began, although less intense as when it started remains. The only diagnosis is overweight or obesity.
My question is simply this:
Should I agree with the diagnosis of totally and permanently disabled, or can an allowance be made to review my case with a representative of the Medicaid system, so I can follow my
Dream of being self sufficient?
Saturday February 15
Response:
No you shouldn't consider yourself permanently disabled. But instead of looking for what the doctor can do for me let's see what you can do for yourself!
Look up information on eating disorders you have one.
storms
mirrors
abuse- as seen on TV, w/ flashbacks being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies, I ate more cookies everyday to make up for the beatings I didn't deserve.
when sad
when nervous
when scared
when bored
when lonely
Which would make a gastric bypass moot. Very dangerous combination.
I eat stress creating a physical effect. Cause and effect.
Ok so now what?
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Interactive blogger
Hi friends you can now click on the comment in blue at the bottom of each post. If there isnt one I havent yet opened it for comment. If you would like it opened please ask here in this one I will consider it. Thanks Michelle
Monday, May 10, 2004
Mothers Day
Accolade
Kalamazoo Gazette
She's learning her way to a self supporting life
Michelle Hazard may have no phone and no car and, until now no education beyond high school. But she has more gumption than a host of other Kalamazoo people together. In Hazards first term at Kalamazoo Valley Community College which ended April 29, she pulled down a neat 4.0 grade average. Thats all A's.
After being away from the classroom since high school graduation in 1976, Hazard was intimidated by the thought of taking classes at KVCC.. She thought that she could in no way do it. says Kathy Schacher, Hazard's friend and mentor. The two were paired through the YWCA's Helping Ourselves Means Education (HOME) program, in which women on aid who are trying to become self-supporting are matched with mentors.
Hazard has known homelessness and near brushes with homelessness. She has managed to work her way off public assistance a number of times, but not yet permanently.
Hazard's driving ambition now is to get the education which will allow her to get a good enough job to support herself and her two children, Anthony, 10, and Heather, 6, and never again have to fall back on assistance.
She's not afraid of hard work. She has worked two and three minimum wage jobs at a time trying to provide for her youngsters. But she worries profoundly about being away from them for the hours that working like that requires. My children are my life, she says.
Michelle is very resourceful, Schacher says with admiration. She thought she was going to fail. But I don't know what's going to stop her now.
Although Hazard is engaged in a battle for financial survival for her children and herself, she still has time and energy to do for those around her.
She is a volunteer at Housing Resources Inc., and has written and received a grant to start a program designed to promote home sharing.
The grant application asked for $2,500 but officials at the Greater Kalamazoo United Way were so impressed with the idea and its presentation that it was awarded $3,500 from the GKUW's Creative Options Program, a joint effort with the Fetzer Institute.
Housing Resources has offered office space for the program and although Hazard is not sure exactly when the program will begin, she is working on it when she can to make sure it will be successful.
Hazard is really motivated, says Ellen Kissinger-Rothi, Housing Resources director, and believes if anyone can make a good idea such as this go, it is Hazard.
Hazard gives a lot of the credit for the turn around in her life to the mentoring and support she has received through HOME and KVCC's Achievement Plus programs and most of all to God.
But some of the credit also must go to Hazard's determination and courage in deciding that it's time for me to take care of myself.
Well now there is an article! (Other than it's grammatical errors) It should have made me swell with pride and further my determination, right? Had I been "normal" it might have. These were the surrounding factors that made this article a slap in the face for me. I never hung it up on the wall but secluded it to the keepsake box. The day it came out in the paper was none other than Mothers Day, my kids had made me a peanut butter pancake for breakfast in bed. (grilled and smashed peanut butter sandwich), brought to me on a tray with orange juice and the paper.
We spent a little over an hour sitting there that morning one child on each side of me as they appreciated their Mom, we laughed and talked til they had devoured the peanut butter sandwich. Then I sat down in the living room to read the paper. When I saw the article I called the kids in and they were both trying to see my picture. When there was a knock on the door. It was my daughters father, he wanted visitation even though he knew it was Mothers Day and therefore not a visitation day. He pushed past me and scooped my daughter up and began berating me in front of her. He said, " Boy you sure have those people fooled, if they only knew what a fat lazy b(^$% you really are! It doesn't matter Michelle, when I take you to court I'm going to get custody. (It was shortly after Heather witnessed an altercation between her dad and his wife, she threatened to stab him with a pair of scissors.) I was feeling bolstered by the article and said " No, you won't be getting custody the violence that has now been documented will not allow you to, Now if you don't mind I want you to leave as this is Mothers Day not a visitation day."
He replied as he took steps closer still holding Heather until he was almost touching me and pointed his finger as he said Real adults have arguements, Oh yeah that's right you don't know how to have a relationship. I put my hands out to take my daughter who was reaching for me and he backed up and took off with my daughter. I called the police and was told that I would have to report it on Monday but they had no jurisdiction to bring her back..
I then called my parents home as I knew my sister would be there, when the phone was answered it was my step-mother. It was then that I found out I was an embarrassment to my family. Homeless? I was a failure and now all of Kalamazoo knew it, how could my father show his head in this community again?
Each Mother's Day thats what I think about, not what I should be thinking about, but what a failure I was.
Authors edit: Tuesday
I wanted to write about how I felt this Mothers Day after pulling this article out of the package, I carried it on this Journey more as something I needed to refute in my own mind. Turn it around and make it positive. The flashbacks that accompanied this return to the past was difficult to write about and I was out of energy after writing what I had. Today is a new day and I know that I am still the person who made a choice to take care of myself, those long years ago. It hasn't been easy nor is it over one day at a time.
ATTA Girl
Today Friday May 14th my daughter sent me a Mothers Day card, considering that she just got done with her first semester of college and is preparing to be a camp counselor at a Young Life Camp. I was surprised and now I have something else to dwell on, she wrote the following in my card:
The front of the card says:
Mom, you made me what I am today.
the inside says:
One Lucky kid! Thanks and Happy Mothers Day
She wrote:
Momma,
I hope I get to see you soon, but if I don't I just wanted to tell you I love you....so so so so much.
Thank you for always being someone
I can talk to and not worry about
you not loving me anymore.
Thank you mom for always putting
me first and loving it...lol
Thank you Mom for supporting me
in everything I do and doing what
you can.
Thank you Mom for washing my butt
and cleaning my wounds, and making
me laugh when I am sad.
Thank you Mom for your smile and your
giving heart, smiling face and outgoing
personality.
Thank you Mom for my blue eyes and
half grown in eyebrows, I see you whenever
I look in the mirror.
Thank You Mom, for trusting in Jesus and
loving him in all situations.
Dear Brothers and Sisters (mothers) whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. - James 1:2-3 -
I love you so much because your a strong, courageous, God fearing, loving , patient (most of the time) faithful woman of God.
I know you'll never give up. And I love you for that!
Mom ThankYou so much for being who you are, for without you I wouldn't be who I am.
Forever Your loving daughter
If the person who I think I failed the most, my children, love me like she describes than I haven't failed at all.
Kalamazoo Gazette
She's learning her way to a self supporting life
Michelle Hazard may have no phone and no car and, until now no education beyond high school. But she has more gumption than a host of other Kalamazoo people together. In Hazards first term at Kalamazoo Valley Community College which ended April 29, she pulled down a neat 4.0 grade average. Thats all A's.
After being away from the classroom since high school graduation in 1976, Hazard was intimidated by the thought of taking classes at KVCC.. She thought that she could in no way do it. says Kathy Schacher, Hazard's friend and mentor. The two were paired through the YWCA's Helping Ourselves Means Education (HOME) program, in which women on aid who are trying to become self-supporting are matched with mentors.
Hazard has known homelessness and near brushes with homelessness. She has managed to work her way off public assistance a number of times, but not yet permanently.
Hazard's driving ambition now is to get the education which will allow her to get a good enough job to support herself and her two children, Anthony, 10, and Heather, 6, and never again have to fall back on assistance.
She's not afraid of hard work. She has worked two and three minimum wage jobs at a time trying to provide for her youngsters. But she worries profoundly about being away from them for the hours that working like that requires. My children are my life, she says.
Michelle is very resourceful, Schacher says with admiration. She thought she was going to fail. But I don't know what's going to stop her now.
Although Hazard is engaged in a battle for financial survival for her children and herself, she still has time and energy to do for those around her.
She is a volunteer at Housing Resources Inc., and has written and received a grant to start a program designed to promote home sharing.
The grant application asked for $2,500 but officials at the Greater Kalamazoo United Way were so impressed with the idea and its presentation that it was awarded $3,500 from the GKUW's Creative Options Program, a joint effort with the Fetzer Institute.
Housing Resources has offered office space for the program and although Hazard is not sure exactly when the program will begin, she is working on it when she can to make sure it will be successful.
Hazard is really motivated, says Ellen Kissinger-Rothi, Housing Resources director, and believes if anyone can make a good idea such as this go, it is Hazard.
Hazard gives a lot of the credit for the turn around in her life to the mentoring and support she has received through HOME and KVCC's Achievement Plus programs and most of all to God.
But some of the credit also must go to Hazard's determination and courage in deciding that it's time for me to take care of myself.
Well now there is an article! (Other than it's grammatical errors) It should have made me swell with pride and further my determination, right? Had I been "normal" it might have. These were the surrounding factors that made this article a slap in the face for me. I never hung it up on the wall but secluded it to the keepsake box. The day it came out in the paper was none other than Mothers Day, my kids had made me a peanut butter pancake for breakfast in bed. (grilled and smashed peanut butter sandwich), brought to me on a tray with orange juice and the paper.
We spent a little over an hour sitting there that morning one child on each side of me as they appreciated their Mom, we laughed and talked til they had devoured the peanut butter sandwich. Then I sat down in the living room to read the paper. When I saw the article I called the kids in and they were both trying to see my picture. When there was a knock on the door. It was my daughters father, he wanted visitation even though he knew it was Mothers Day and therefore not a visitation day. He pushed past me and scooped my daughter up and began berating me in front of her. He said, " Boy you sure have those people fooled, if they only knew what a fat lazy b(^$% you really are! It doesn't matter Michelle, when I take you to court I'm going to get custody. (It was shortly after Heather witnessed an altercation between her dad and his wife, she threatened to stab him with a pair of scissors.) I was feeling bolstered by the article and said " No, you won't be getting custody the violence that has now been documented will not allow you to, Now if you don't mind I want you to leave as this is Mothers Day not a visitation day."
He replied as he took steps closer still holding Heather until he was almost touching me and pointed his finger as he said Real adults have arguements, Oh yeah that's right you don't know how to have a relationship. I put my hands out to take my daughter who was reaching for me and he backed up and took off with my daughter. I called the police and was told that I would have to report it on Monday but they had no jurisdiction to bring her back..
I then called my parents home as I knew my sister would be there, when the phone was answered it was my step-mother. It was then that I found out I was an embarrassment to my family. Homeless? I was a failure and now all of Kalamazoo knew it, how could my father show his head in this community again?
Each Mother's Day thats what I think about, not what I should be thinking about, but what a failure I was.
Authors edit: Tuesday
I wanted to write about how I felt this Mothers Day after pulling this article out of the package, I carried it on this Journey more as something I needed to refute in my own mind. Turn it around and make it positive. The flashbacks that accompanied this return to the past was difficult to write about and I was out of energy after writing what I had. Today is a new day and I know that I am still the person who made a choice to take care of myself, those long years ago. It hasn't been easy nor is it over one day at a time.
ATTA Girl
Today Friday May 14th my daughter sent me a Mothers Day card, considering that she just got done with her first semester of college and is preparing to be a camp counselor at a Young Life Camp. I was surprised and now I have something else to dwell on, she wrote the following in my card:
The front of the card says:
Mom, you made me what I am today.
the inside says:
One Lucky kid! Thanks and Happy Mothers Day
She wrote:
Momma,
I hope I get to see you soon, but if I don't I just wanted to tell you I love you....so so so so much.
Thank you for always being someone
I can talk to and not worry about
you not loving me anymore.
Thank you mom for always putting
me first and loving it...lol
Thank you Mom for supporting me
in everything I do and doing what
you can.
Thank you Mom for washing my butt
and cleaning my wounds, and making
me laugh when I am sad.
Thank you Mom for your smile and your
giving heart, smiling face and outgoing
personality.
Thank you Mom for my blue eyes and
half grown in eyebrows, I see you whenever
I look in the mirror.
Thank You Mom, for trusting in Jesus and
loving him in all situations.
Dear Brothers and Sisters (mothers) whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. - James 1:2-3 -
I love you so much because your a strong, courageous, God fearing, loving , patient (most of the time) faithful woman of God.
I know you'll never give up. And I love you for that!
Mom ThankYou so much for being who you are, for without you I wouldn't be who I am.
Forever Your loving daughter
If the person who I think I failed the most, my children, love me like she describes than I haven't failed at all.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
The Power of Negative Thinking
Negative thinking comes from years of seeing myself as a failure. I was told I wouldn't amount to anything and I lived it. Its like this, if someone mentions an apple what do you picture? I nice shiny bright crisp apple? I picture a mushy one with a worm poking it's head out. I learned about the force of "positive thinking" back in 1996 my first trip to the hospital. I still struggle with the concept daily and in the past week or so I forgot about it totally. I began to see the worm in every situation, not letting myself picture myself as a "success" is my catalist to failure.
While traveling I seemed to not be so negative but in all reality I was basically in survival mode. While not dwelling on the real issues in my life for a minute was nice the down time that I have had since coming here reminds me that I still think in negative patterns. My friends used to say " Michelle why are you so negative all the time?" My response would be "What do you mean I'm not negative." I wasn't able to see that by talking about not being able to stand up and succeed I was setting myself up to fail.
My goals for the week:
Read the Information from A Ticket to Work Disibility
make contacts with prospective resources
Think Positively Identify when the thinking returns to negative nonproductive chatter
"ATTA GIRL"
While traveling I seemed to not be so negative but in all reality I was basically in survival mode. While not dwelling on the real issues in my life for a minute was nice the down time that I have had since coming here reminds me that I still think in negative patterns. My friends used to say " Michelle why are you so negative all the time?" My response would be "What do you mean I'm not negative." I wasn't able to see that by talking about not being able to stand up and succeed I was setting myself up to fail.
My goals for the week:
Read the Information from A Ticket to Work Disibility
make contacts with prospective resources
Think Positively Identify when the thinking returns to negative nonproductive chatter
"ATTA GIRL"
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Sidetracked By Storm
The fear factor was high the last two days I ate snack foods at an alarming rate. I have a fear of thunderstorms and we've had two days of them. When I was young, the lightening mesmerized me and the thunder scared me. I would gasp or scream when the thunder would shake the windows. Counting the seconds from the lightening strikes to the thunder did not help it just made me more afraid when it was close. During a particularly loud storm was passing my father had had enough of my nonsense and took me outside when I wouldn't stop screaming. He gave me several chances to stop I just could not control my angst. Well in the yard the storm seemed even more fierce and he yelled at me and told me I could come back in when I could control myself. Well I stayed outside in a crumpled heep screaming into the earth. I don't remember him taking me back inside only that I didn't go in myself. I never screamed again when storms went through you could find me buried in my bed. As a young adult, I was driving for Metro Transit the year was 1980 three to five tornadoes ripped through the city. I was in the middle of that storm as I had just gotten off my shift, It came in fast and furious and left just as quickly. As a city employee I was required to act like a member of the National Guard. I returned to work and was told to go downtown, I helped to dig out behind the JC Penney building where the whole side of the building had collapsed upon an elevated cross walk leading to a parking garage. There were 5 people buried alive in there. When we found the first lady and pulled her out she was smashed beyond human recognition. I lost my cookies and was asked to go to the Hilton a large conventions center in mid town. Where I had to take glass out of peoples hair and send them to emergency personel if it was something serious. It was an extremely long day and weeks to follow and my fear of storms turned into an emotional battle field. When I hear news broadcasts of storms or sirens I get a sick feeling and my heart races, and I have difficulty swallowing and feel like I am going to choke. (part of the reason I don't watch TV) After the storm arrives and is raging outside I eat, not because I am hungry I'm not sure why...but what I do know is I need to ask for an anti anxiety med for just those times. I can't escape all the storms and I can't gorge myself when they come.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Get a grip!
This weekend I spent trying to disseminate the PTSD and the self bashing I did in my last entries. I am worth fighting for, I need to focus on what I can do for myself instead of trying to figure out the failures of a system.
This is what I discovered this past weekend, I hadn't even read the disability paperwork I was given back in 2001.
I often ignore things I can't deal with, thinking it will go away or by ignoring it, it isn't real. I didn't want to admit I was disabled back then and I still don't. I have some issues that are making it more difficult to make decisions for my future. I'm scared of making them but I'm willing to discuss it with some professionals.
I know I am not physically able to do the traditional jobs, like I have done in the past. I have difficulty standing or sitting for long periods. The pain I have in my lower back has the diagnosis of obesity, in other words my frame is complaining. What I can do about that, is watch what I eat, and find a swimming area so I can do water aerobics. The buoyancy of water will allow me to exercise without more pressure.
I have a weight restriction of 20 lbs. due to my neck fusion. I can't change that. I have chronic pain across my shoulders and around the back of my neck where the fusion is, it seems to be worse when I am under stress. What I can do is try to reduce the amount of stress or my reactions to stressers. Instead of being angry at the government for failing me I need to concentrate, on becoming self sufficient again.
I'm going to need rehabilitation services and legal representation. There has to be something I can make money at in this world. I need legal representation for my student loan problems.
I defaulted on my student loans after I broke my ankle and had to withdraw from classes in my final semester. I was on financial aid probation because my grades were barely passing, as a non traditional student raising two young children working full time and taking a full load at school. I felt like a failure the emotional abuse I endured from my family, being told I was worthless and would never amount to anything has reverberated in my head my whole life and when I couldn't finish my degree. I began to drink to drown my sorrows, I stopped caring about myself and was looking for a way to end my misery. I stopped paying bills, I was evicted from a subsidized apartment, I bounced checks, I ignored my friends and avoided my children. It was a three year spiral to the bottom of life. I checked myself into the hospital when I started seriously consider suicide as an option. Until then I was just plain out of control. Recognizing that inner voice that repeats abusive garbage and finding a healthy alternative is the challenge I still struggle with. So Stick with the facts:
Defaulted Student Loan- Research options- I don't qualify for a loan consolidation - bad credit
disability it is assumed you will recover.
Ticket to Work
PASS www.ssa.gov/work
disability Offset of Loans- You must be totally and permanently disabled in order to have the loans forgiven.
(I pray that I am not totally disabled) - so give up this notion, it isn't an option.
Goal for the week contact Rehab services.
"ATTA GIRL"
This is what I discovered this past weekend, I hadn't even read the disability paperwork I was given back in 2001.
I often ignore things I can't deal with, thinking it will go away or by ignoring it, it isn't real. I didn't want to admit I was disabled back then and I still don't. I have some issues that are making it more difficult to make decisions for my future. I'm scared of making them but I'm willing to discuss it with some professionals.
I know I am not physically able to do the traditional jobs, like I have done in the past. I have difficulty standing or sitting for long periods. The pain I have in my lower back has the diagnosis of obesity, in other words my frame is complaining. What I can do about that, is watch what I eat, and find a swimming area so I can do water aerobics. The buoyancy of water will allow me to exercise without more pressure.
I have a weight restriction of 20 lbs. due to my neck fusion. I can't change that. I have chronic pain across my shoulders and around the back of my neck where the fusion is, it seems to be worse when I am under stress. What I can do is try to reduce the amount of stress or my reactions to stressers. Instead of being angry at the government for failing me I need to concentrate, on becoming self sufficient again.
I'm going to need rehabilitation services and legal representation. There has to be something I can make money at in this world. I need legal representation for my student loan problems.
I defaulted on my student loans after I broke my ankle and had to withdraw from classes in my final semester. I was on financial aid probation because my grades were barely passing, as a non traditional student raising two young children working full time and taking a full load at school. I felt like a failure the emotional abuse I endured from my family, being told I was worthless and would never amount to anything has reverberated in my head my whole life and when I couldn't finish my degree. I began to drink to drown my sorrows, I stopped caring about myself and was looking for a way to end my misery. I stopped paying bills, I was evicted from a subsidized apartment, I bounced checks, I ignored my friends and avoided my children. It was a three year spiral to the bottom of life. I checked myself into the hospital when I started seriously consider suicide as an option. Until then I was just plain out of control. Recognizing that inner voice that repeats abusive garbage and finding a healthy alternative is the challenge I still struggle with. So Stick with the facts:
Defaulted Student Loan- Research options- I don't qualify for a loan consolidation - bad credit
disability it is assumed you will recover.
Ticket to Work
PASS www.ssa.gov/work
disability Offset of Loans- You must be totally and permanently disabled in order to have the loans forgiven.
(I pray that I am not totally disabled) - so give up this notion, it isn't an option.
Goal for the week contact Rehab services.
"ATTA GIRL"
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
PTSD strikes again...
Today I had an appointment with yet another red tape slinger. My mood is despondant and very depressed. I was supposed to fall in the cattle feeding line for Federal Food Stamps. I know I won't get anymore here than I did in Michigan which was 20 dollars a month. Your herded like cattle into a large room with the other 50 applicants who were all given the same appointment time and forced to watch a video about not ripping off the government with false claims. I am in pain my neck is stiff and my pinky and ring finger are slightly numb and tingling (possible nerve impingment). I can't see any doctor until May as I cant afford the doctors visit, and my case is wrapped in Medicaid limbo. So I left the cattle line it just isn't worth it for me today to sit there, not when it's for 20 bucks and the cattle line doesn't end today. I would be grilled and sent out to garner proof of my miserable life. Checked and cross referenced and rechecked every three months to find ... I made or actually recieved from you the tax payers a whopping 6,624 dollars last year from which I had to feed cloth and shelter myself, and my then 17 year old daughter. She got slightly more than that with her child support, but she was also a senior in high school who deserved a high school prom and art supplies to further her career in graphic arts. Look at me trying to justify my meager existance... and feeling so bad it's a good thing I am going to see a counselor tommorrow and they go by my income so I won't have to pay a dime. Thanks America for supporting me.
Friday, April 16, 2004
Friday 16th of April
April Showers bring May Flowers...gosh I hope so!
Medicaid a federally funded program. I'm eligible but it really doesn't mean much, I'm just wasting the hard working friends and neighbors and family's money. The people who get out of bed every morning and go to work. They pay taxes on everything in their lives, from their homes to the groceries their families need, to the gas. I am a non functioning burden on America. After my being disabled and having to rely on the federal programs for basic necessities it has become harder and harder to justify to myself that I deserve the assistance. The world would be better off without me...
Does this sound like I am suicidal? Yes even to me, but I don't think I am... I am frustrated and feeling like a burden. But I think I am feeling anger too. I mean its not like I asked to be disabled, if I could turn the clock back and miss this portion of my life? What? I might be happier? No, the reality of my situation is that until I figure out how to cope with chronic pain and wade through the red tape of the government and/or find a physician who went into medicine for the right reasons (to help people) I'm lost.
I had Michigan Medicaid before embarking on this Journey, I fought with them to get the care I wanted, all I wanted was a chance at being treated holistically. Holistic medicine is a relatively new yet used in ancient civilizations and often misunderstood form of medicine. Due to the PTSD and having it for so many years, it is important to understand that my physical health is related to the mental disorder. The constant creation of stress and recreating trauma is something I cant control by myself I need help and a holistic physician treats the mind and body as one unit. Normal physicians don't, they treat only the physical manifestations. If you have insurance.
Due to my work history, I didn't even qualify for Social Security disability. I have worked in a number of different positions 72 or more jobs in my 27 year work history. I worked mostly physical jobs as a farm manager, greenhouse planter and transplanter, waterer, fertilizer, and sales clerk to harvester ie. Strawberries, blueberries, cherries, apples, pumpkins, squash etc. To sales clerks in a farm market. Bus Driver for the City of Kalamazoo to Public schools, and even a taxi driver. Waitress, line cook full menu, dishwasher, salad girl to food prep pretzel maker and cake decorator. I worked as a trophy builder and engraver, business card slitter, ink press cleaner, shipping and receiving, rubber stamp maker. And the list continues. My point in all this I worked full time all while trying to raise my two children alone, a choice I made. Some of the jobs I had, I lost because of the tribulations of raising children, employers take dimly to the time off required when a child is ill. My daughter was plagued with allergies to the world and was often sick. I couldn't afford a decent car, and was always playing catch up with the fixer uppers I could buy. Often doing my own repairs oil changes and the like. Insurance on cars was daunting I never made it out of the pool, a higher priced insurance because I didn't carry continuous coverage. When one of my Junkers died I didn't carry the insurance because I didn't have the car, but when I would find another Junker I would go to get insurance and they would put me in the higher insurance bracket assuming that I had been driving without the insurance. It didn't matter that I had no speeding tickets nor accidents I had to pay high priced insurance premiums.
The rest of the jobs I would learn become bored and find something else to do and quit. Part of PTSD? I think so. All the jobs I gave 110% to while there, the average job length was 6 months, not long enough for credit building nor to get ahead. There was no chance of saving for a rainy day, every day it rained.
My ticket out of the desperate cycle I found myself in was school. I now have a 20,000 dollar student loan bill, no degree in Ornamental Horticulture (broken ankle, financial aide denial) and even if I had the degree, I am not physically able to do that line of work. I need medical assistance and I don't know how to get decent medical care in a federally funded program which is designed not to help but deter you from using it.
Medicaid a federally funded program. I'm eligible but it really doesn't mean much, I'm just wasting the hard working friends and neighbors and family's money. The people who get out of bed every morning and go to work. They pay taxes on everything in their lives, from their homes to the groceries their families need, to the gas. I am a non functioning burden on America. After my being disabled and having to rely on the federal programs for basic necessities it has become harder and harder to justify to myself that I deserve the assistance. The world would be better off without me...
Does this sound like I am suicidal? Yes even to me, but I don't think I am... I am frustrated and feeling like a burden. But I think I am feeling anger too. I mean its not like I asked to be disabled, if I could turn the clock back and miss this portion of my life? What? I might be happier? No, the reality of my situation is that until I figure out how to cope with chronic pain and wade through the red tape of the government and/or find a physician who went into medicine for the right reasons (to help people) I'm lost.
I had Michigan Medicaid before embarking on this Journey, I fought with them to get the care I wanted, all I wanted was a chance at being treated holistically. Holistic medicine is a relatively new yet used in ancient civilizations and often misunderstood form of medicine. Due to the PTSD and having it for so many years, it is important to understand that my physical health is related to the mental disorder. The constant creation of stress and recreating trauma is something I cant control by myself I need help and a holistic physician treats the mind and body as one unit. Normal physicians don't, they treat only the physical manifestations. If you have insurance.
Due to my work history, I didn't even qualify for Social Security disability. I have worked in a number of different positions 72 or more jobs in my 27 year work history. I worked mostly physical jobs as a farm manager, greenhouse planter and transplanter, waterer, fertilizer, and sales clerk to harvester ie. Strawberries, blueberries, cherries, apples, pumpkins, squash etc. To sales clerks in a farm market. Bus Driver for the City of Kalamazoo to Public schools, and even a taxi driver. Waitress, line cook full menu, dishwasher, salad girl to food prep pretzel maker and cake decorator. I worked as a trophy builder and engraver, business card slitter, ink press cleaner, shipping and receiving, rubber stamp maker. And the list continues. My point in all this I worked full time all while trying to raise my two children alone, a choice I made. Some of the jobs I had, I lost because of the tribulations of raising children, employers take dimly to the time off required when a child is ill. My daughter was plagued with allergies to the world and was often sick. I couldn't afford a decent car, and was always playing catch up with the fixer uppers I could buy. Often doing my own repairs oil changes and the like. Insurance on cars was daunting I never made it out of the pool, a higher priced insurance because I didn't carry continuous coverage. When one of my Junkers died I didn't carry the insurance because I didn't have the car, but when I would find another Junker I would go to get insurance and they would put me in the higher insurance bracket assuming that I had been driving without the insurance. It didn't matter that I had no speeding tickets nor accidents I had to pay high priced insurance premiums.
The rest of the jobs I would learn become bored and find something else to do and quit. Part of PTSD? I think so. All the jobs I gave 110% to while there, the average job length was 6 months, not long enough for credit building nor to get ahead. There was no chance of saving for a rainy day, every day it rained.
My ticket out of the desperate cycle I found myself in was school. I now have a 20,000 dollar student loan bill, no degree in Ornamental Horticulture (broken ankle, financial aide denial) and even if I had the degree, I am not physically able to do that line of work. I need medical assistance and I don't know how to get decent medical care in a federally funded program which is designed not to help but deter you from using it.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Retreat
Hi My friends and family,
I have retreated to Alabama. I went to Florida St. Petersburg and Panama City, it truly is beautiful there, it is my hope to return. I just couldn't seem to pull it together there, (like I've been able to pull it together anywhere)...I know, I know stop beating yourself up...I'm in a lot of pain..I've been out of pain killers for about 2 weeks just taking regular aspirin and tylenol. I need to find a doctor so I can continue my Prozac as I promised my therapist I have another 2 weeks of those. I'm a bit frustrated with my situation Thank God for good friends. It seems like this trip was supposed to happen, meeting all the people I have so far has been wonderful. Being homeless while doing it has been a real challenge. Retreating to the refuge of a friend is the right thing for me to do. I was getting very depressed and weepy, and feeling really stupid. Which is part of my struggles with PTSD, I'm still the very strong and determined person I was when I left Michigan if anything I am stronger in my resolve to understand and conquer this disorder. Knowing that I needed to regroup is one of the signs that tell me that I do know my limitations and so for know I'm going to pat myself on the back and say "Atta Girl!" and rest for a bit. I won't be on line very often but plan on writing as often as possible. Thanks for your prayers keep them coming... Love Michelle
I have retreated to Alabama. I went to Florida St. Petersburg and Panama City, it truly is beautiful there, it is my hope to return. I just couldn't seem to pull it together there, (like I've been able to pull it together anywhere)...I know, I know stop beating yourself up...I'm in a lot of pain..I've been out of pain killers for about 2 weeks just taking regular aspirin and tylenol. I need to find a doctor so I can continue my Prozac as I promised my therapist I have another 2 weeks of those. I'm a bit frustrated with my situation Thank God for good friends. It seems like this trip was supposed to happen, meeting all the people I have so far has been wonderful. Being homeless while doing it has been a real challenge. Retreating to the refuge of a friend is the right thing for me to do. I was getting very depressed and weepy, and feeling really stupid. Which is part of my struggles with PTSD, I'm still the very strong and determined person I was when I left Michigan if anything I am stronger in my resolve to understand and conquer this disorder. Knowing that I needed to regroup is one of the signs that tell me that I do know my limitations and so for know I'm going to pat myself on the back and say "Atta Girl!" and rest for a bit. I won't be on line very often but plan on writing as often as possible. Thanks for your prayers keep them coming... Love Michelle
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Anger
pg. 39 Pattern Changing for Abused Women: An Educational Program
by Marilyn Shear Goodman
Understanding Anger
Definition
"Anger is one of the most difficult feelings for abused women to confront in themselves and, understandably in others. Merriam websters dictionary defines anger as "a strong feeling of displeasure and (usually) of antagonism" Synonyms are rage, fury, indignation, and wrath. The feeling of anger is as natural as that of being thirsty. Animals become angry when their territory is invaded. They become angry when their young, their herd, or they themselves are threatened. We humans become angry for the same natural reasons; it signals us that psychological or physical boundaries are being crossed against our wishes; our children, family, community, or selves are threatened with harm; needs are not met for human dignity, respect of rights, or justice; or we have become aware for the first time that any or all of the above have occurred in the past."
I took the pattern changing class with fellow ladies who have dealt with abuse in many forms. I have yet to figure out how to be angry in a healthy way. I hold my anger afraid to confront people or situations. Although I have used anger in the past to give myself enough strength to protect my children. When I got angry I got moving, I documented abusive situations and went to court armed with enough information to let my attorney win the argument. I am not even sure when the last time was I was angry, I don't recognize the anger. I mean I get upset sometimes but rather than confront an issue I will hold it in. Then when something happens and I am unable to retreat, I may say things that have no bearing on the real situation; but is more than likely something that happened five, ten, fifteen years ago. It's confusing and frustrating. I then use the confusion and anger to beat myself with, I am my own worst abuser.
by Marilyn Shear Goodman
Understanding Anger
Definition
"Anger is one of the most difficult feelings for abused women to confront in themselves and, understandably in others. Merriam websters dictionary defines anger as "a strong feeling of displeasure and (usually) of antagonism" Synonyms are rage, fury, indignation, and wrath. The feeling of anger is as natural as that of being thirsty. Animals become angry when their territory is invaded. They become angry when their young, their herd, or they themselves are threatened. We humans become angry for the same natural reasons; it signals us that psychological or physical boundaries are being crossed against our wishes; our children, family, community, or selves are threatened with harm; needs are not met for human dignity, respect of rights, or justice; or we have become aware for the first time that any or all of the above have occurred in the past."
I took the pattern changing class with fellow ladies who have dealt with abuse in many forms. I have yet to figure out how to be angry in a healthy way. I hold my anger afraid to confront people or situations. Although I have used anger in the past to give myself enough strength to protect my children. When I got angry I got moving, I documented abusive situations and went to court armed with enough information to let my attorney win the argument. I am not even sure when the last time was I was angry, I don't recognize the anger. I mean I get upset sometimes but rather than confront an issue I will hold it in. Then when something happens and I am unable to retreat, I may say things that have no bearing on the real situation; but is more than likely something that happened five, ten, fifteen years ago. It's confusing and frustrating. I then use the confusion and anger to beat myself with, I am my own worst abuser.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Spirituality
I was raised a Catholic, we went to church every Sunday as children. The problems I had in the Catholic Church started when my mother died... My question back then was " How could an all knowing all loving God take my mother from me?" I even went as far as to ask my catechism instructor where the dinosaurs fit in. I was trying to refute my confusion. I hated God and couldn't understand how I loved him at the same time. Instinctively I knew there had to be a greater power, in order for the world to be such a beautiful place and it truly is. I do believe in God, but I also fear him. I fear him in an unhealthy way, just as my normal thinking patterns are skewed so is my religion. My fathers discipline style presented the irrational fear, and just as I love my father unconditionally I love my father in heaven. I think my use of the Lakota cards is allowing me to gain a better perspective. I need to focus on God and what he has done for me, so when I decide what it is I need to ask for; I can do so, without this irrational fear. I need to accept that I am a beautiful person inside and out, and that he hasn't judged me yet. The fear of him having already judged me is part of the irrational me. That doesn't happen until this Journey is over. Yesterday I met 2 young ladies about my daughters age, they saw me struggling with my suitcases and offered to help me. I knew that God put them there yesterday, one because I needed the help, and two because they needed to meet me, for what I don't know. The people I have met along this Journey have all had things to say to me and I am trying to listen to each, and continue to look for a deeper meaning. Something that I may have missed, or need to hear. I know God is here with me, and carries me when I'm tired. I can feel all of your prayers and I appreciate all of them. Until next time....
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
A New Beginning
The cold seems to be following me. The weather I mean, it was chilly in Kansas actually more like a blizzard, and it was chilly in Colorado, but you would expect that. Las Vegas was semi chilly during the day and down right cold at night. Now I am in Alabama and it's cold here too! I'm hoping for some sunshine to warm me as I am having a little more trouble in the movement part. I swelled up on the bus, my knees and neck are aching something fierce. Hauling my suitcases train style (they have wheels) is getting more difficult as well.
I really have no complaints though, meeting all the people on this Journey is what I think I needed to do. Each person has there own story making my story pale in comparison. The man I met on the train who was injured in a car accident, he is now a preacher he has numerous disabilities, yet maintains a positive attitude and has goals and a plan for his future.
The Internet friends I met from my support group, all wonderful people in their own rights all with nightmares of their own.
The lady I met who was out of her mind... I mean she was in dementia land... But still traveled unaccompanied and her stories although bizarre let me know just how insignificant my troubles have been.
They function, they cry, they are scared, but they all seem more grounded than me. Each person I meet on this journey is teaching me that it really isn't about the destination, that wherever I go, I'm still the person who went through some terrible stuff, but it doesn't have to control me. I don't have to be the victim. I'll check in again soon... remember those you meet today with a prayer and a kind word. Thanks
I really have no complaints though, meeting all the people on this Journey is what I think I needed to do. Each person has there own story making my story pale in comparison. The man I met on the train who was injured in a car accident, he is now a preacher he has numerous disabilities, yet maintains a positive attitude and has goals and a plan for his future.
The Internet friends I met from my support group, all wonderful people in their own rights all with nightmares of their own.
The lady I met who was out of her mind... I mean she was in dementia land... But still traveled unaccompanied and her stories although bizarre let me know just how insignificant my troubles have been.
They function, they cry, they are scared, but they all seem more grounded than me. Each person I meet on this journey is teaching me that it really isn't about the destination, that wherever I go, I'm still the person who went through some terrible stuff, but it doesn't have to control me. I don't have to be the victim. I'll check in again soon... remember those you meet today with a prayer and a kind word. Thanks
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Sweat Lodge_ Lakota
I received the Lakota Sweat Lodge Cards http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/lakota/
as a gift and my use of those cards has been interesting and enlightening. I am leaving Las Vegas on my journey on the 6th of March. The Indian ways ask you to look at life as a circle. Using the four directions, and four seasons in the circle of life. The following are cards drawn randomly from a deck. I also asked some questions which will follow.
West
1.
Niyan - Spirit of Man (higher self)
Within each breath, I inhale the gift of life and exhale the gift of myself into the world.
2.
Hochoken Waken - reverence
I attend to my life with reverence, reverence that comes from the heart.
3. Stone drawn from my pouch was the Harmony ball.
North
1.
Tatanka Oyote - The Bison Nation (balance)
I know myself within the abundance and diversity of life upon the earth and celebrate our kinship.
2.
Spider - Fear of the Unseen
You are not a victim entangled in a web but someone who can choose to detach yourself from fear by recognizing and renouncing it.
Using the courage gifted to me by my creator, I walk through my fears with honesty and integrity.
3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Pink crystal - Love
Self Love - healing of the heart. Awareness of the beauty of art, music and the written word. Used for the treatment of depression.
East
1.
Wani - The Four Directions
Awaken to the lessons in your life. Open your eyes and take in the messages, coming to you from all directions.
The seed of life brought me forth and resides within me. I create a fertile home for this seed through a life rich in love, beauty, and creativity.
2.
The East - Yellow - (Clarity)
The light has risen - you can now begin to see your life with clarity a new light. A new day dawns and you arise with courage ready to make a fresh start. This is an opportunity to transform the way of looking at things, broaden your view, expand the scope of awareness. Now is the time of inspiration. The prospect before you is clear and unobscured. Understanding all that takes place around you journey onward past limitations.
I honor the spirit of the east. I open myself to the gift of new beginning's, of clarity and illumination.
3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Smoky quartz
Dissolve negative energy it's used as a grounding stone and has healing properties - congestion and disorders of the hands and feet.
South
1.
Yum The Whirlwind - Love
Goddess of the Sea, Goddess of Love, Goddess of Sport, Goddess of Games. Her domain lies within the sea and all bodies of water. Her force governs all living things and presides in the love people feel. She symbolizes all that moves in circles: The Whirlwind, the cycles of the seasons and of life, the planets and the stars.
I provide myself the space to connect with the endless flow of loving energy that sustains me. Thus may I discover the flow of love that surrounds me.
2.
Mini Water - (creativity)
clarity and purity - therefore cleansing
liquid and flowing - therefore cleansing
brings forth life - therefore creativity
sustain life - therefore nurturing
Comfortable in the flow of life, moving fluidly along your path, expressing yourself freely with words, images, sounds, movement or just in the way you want in your life. Now your being given the opportunity to create the future. Leave the past behind, and take with you only what will nourish your future creativity.
I release myself into the moment; into the flow of time, events, cycles, emotions, and I find grace and fertile ground along the way.
3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Blood stone - Grounding and protection
Let go of the victim consciousness - healing - deterioration of internal organs, disorders of kidney, spleen, bladder, liver and stomach.
Questions I have asked:
What if anything I am missing?
Anogete
Woman with Two Faces - Duality
Anogete is a supernatural aspect of Hanwi, Moon. The face of anogete is half beautiful half hideous. Her role is to assist humans in finding their way through perceived negativity to the One who exists behind and within the duality of good and bad, light and dark, positive and negative, male and female.
See the whole picture - Balance your perceptions. I f you have only seen the positive, allow the negative to appear, and accept the existence without dismissing it.
Releasing fear and judgment, I open my perceptions to wholeness to One.
Is there something I should see before leaving here?
Wagle Shun - The Swan - Peace
You are reminded to be at Peace with all things. Find the place of peace within yourself and others. Let love take the place of fear and allow your inner peace to gently come forth. Share this strongest beauty with the world around you. Ask yourself what can you do in your life to bring around peace. As peace grows greater it begins to take flight, touching and uplifting all with whom you come in contact.
I seek and find the state of being where the grace and beauty of all life is known. In this way is my heart filled and at peace.
as a gift and my use of those cards has been interesting and enlightening. I am leaving Las Vegas on my journey on the 6th of March. The Indian ways ask you to look at life as a circle. Using the four directions, and four seasons in the circle of life. The following are cards drawn randomly from a deck. I also asked some questions which will follow.
West
1.
Niyan - Spirit of Man (higher self)
Within each breath, I inhale the gift of life and exhale the gift of myself into the world.
2.
Hochoken Waken - reverence
I attend to my life with reverence, reverence that comes from the heart.
3. Stone drawn from my pouch was the Harmony ball.
North
1.
Tatanka Oyote - The Bison Nation (balance)
I know myself within the abundance and diversity of life upon the earth and celebrate our kinship.
2.
Spider - Fear of the Unseen
You are not a victim entangled in a web but someone who can choose to detach yourself from fear by recognizing and renouncing it.
Using the courage gifted to me by my creator, I walk through my fears with honesty and integrity.
3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Pink crystal - Love
Self Love - healing of the heart. Awareness of the beauty of art, music and the written word. Used for the treatment of depression.
East
1.
Wani - The Four Directions
Awaken to the lessons in your life. Open your eyes and take in the messages, coming to you from all directions.
The seed of life brought me forth and resides within me. I create a fertile home for this seed through a life rich in love, beauty, and creativity.
2.
The East - Yellow - (Clarity)
The light has risen - you can now begin to see your life with clarity a new light. A new day dawns and you arise with courage ready to make a fresh start. This is an opportunity to transform the way of looking at things, broaden your view, expand the scope of awareness. Now is the time of inspiration. The prospect before you is clear and unobscured. Understanding all that takes place around you journey onward past limitations.
I honor the spirit of the east. I open myself to the gift of new beginning's, of clarity and illumination.
3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Smoky quartz
Dissolve negative energy it's used as a grounding stone and has healing properties - congestion and disorders of the hands and feet.
South
1.
Yum The Whirlwind - Love
Goddess of the Sea, Goddess of Love, Goddess of Sport, Goddess of Games. Her domain lies within the sea and all bodies of water. Her force governs all living things and presides in the love people feel. She symbolizes all that moves in circles: The Whirlwind, the cycles of the seasons and of life, the planets and the stars.
I provide myself the space to connect with the endless flow of loving energy that sustains me. Thus may I discover the flow of love that surrounds me.
2.
Mini Water - (creativity)
clarity and purity - therefore cleansing
liquid and flowing - therefore cleansing
brings forth life - therefore creativity
sustain life - therefore nurturing
Comfortable in the flow of life, moving fluidly along your path, expressing yourself freely with words, images, sounds, movement or just in the way you want in your life. Now your being given the opportunity to create the future. Leave the past behind, and take with you only what will nourish your future creativity.
I release myself into the moment; into the flow of time, events, cycles, emotions, and I find grace and fertile ground along the way.
3. Stone I drew from my pouch - Blood stone - Grounding and protection
Let go of the victim consciousness - healing - deterioration of internal organs, disorders of kidney, spleen, bladder, liver and stomach.
Questions I have asked:
What if anything I am missing?
Anogete
Woman with Two Faces - Duality
Anogete is a supernatural aspect of Hanwi, Moon. The face of anogete is half beautiful half hideous. Her role is to assist humans in finding their way through perceived negativity to the One who exists behind and within the duality of good and bad, light and dark, positive and negative, male and female.
See the whole picture - Balance your perceptions. I f you have only seen the positive, allow the negative to appear, and accept the existence without dismissing it.
Releasing fear and judgment, I open my perceptions to wholeness to One.
Is there something I should see before leaving here?
Wagle Shun - The Swan - Peace
You are reminded to be at Peace with all things. Find the place of peace within yourself and others. Let love take the place of fear and allow your inner peace to gently come forth. Share this strongest beauty with the world around you. Ask yourself what can you do in your life to bring around peace. As peace grows greater it begins to take flight, touching and uplifting all with whom you come in contact.
I seek and find the state of being where the grace and beauty of all life is known. In this way is my heart filled and at peace.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Shells Sea?
Hi Friends, I am in Las Vegas, Nevada at the University. I got in this am around 6 after a long day of travel. I titled this post Shells Sea? Because coming into the valley this morning it kind of reminded me of a sea of lights. Is this where I am supposed to find me? I am having some doubts. It is assumed that you are here to gamble. Although the temptation is there I am not going to the Casinos...LoL but there are slot machines everywhere but the restrooms. I just wanted to let you know I am here safe and sound. I met a lot of wonderful people on the train, each with their own stories to tell. When I am not so tired I will write about my train journey. Surrounded by Mountains and Gods Love - Michelle
(note to self)
Las Vegas has a lot of mirrors...I don't like mirrors, I never seem to measure up to the reflection.
(note to self)
Las Vegas has a lot of mirrors...I don't like mirrors, I never seem to measure up to the reflection.
Monday, February 23, 2004
Solo
Hi Friends,
I am leaving Colorado on my adventure tomorrow morning. I will be heading towards Las Vegas, Nevada. It is my hopes that I can go through the Indian healing ceremonies and come to grips with my post traumatic stress disorder and the physical pain from my disc fusion and arthritis. The PTSD causes some of my physical pain from years of emotional problems. So I need to come to grips with the fact that I am going to have pain from the physical deterioration. I am going to try to go drug free by next June. I know it doesn't seem possible but you know, all things are possible with God. I have to refocus and stop the negative thinking patterns brought on by PTSD and this next leg is completely solo. Solo so I only have to focus on me. Which I have never done before. It was always my kids first (son 23 and daughter 18) or the neighbor or the church or the domestic violence shelter etc. I could find lot's of things so I didn't have to deal with me. So here I go, please keep me in your prayers, but don't worry too much cause God is with me. I'll post when I can and have asked two of my friends to edit and post when I send them some stuff, or check in. Take care and remember
"It isn't about the Destination it's all about the Journey"
and "If your going through hell...Well my friends that isn't the place to stop"
I am leaving Colorado on my adventure tomorrow morning. I will be heading towards Las Vegas, Nevada. It is my hopes that I can go through the Indian healing ceremonies and come to grips with my post traumatic stress disorder and the physical pain from my disc fusion and arthritis. The PTSD causes some of my physical pain from years of emotional problems. So I need to come to grips with the fact that I am going to have pain from the physical deterioration. I am going to try to go drug free by next June. I know it doesn't seem possible but you know, all things are possible with God. I have to refocus and stop the negative thinking patterns brought on by PTSD and this next leg is completely solo. Solo so I only have to focus on me. Which I have never done before. It was always my kids first (son 23 and daughter 18) or the neighbor or the church or the domestic violence shelter etc. I could find lot's of things so I didn't have to deal with me. So here I go, please keep me in your prayers, but don't worry too much cause God is with me. I'll post when I can and have asked two of my friends to edit and post when I send them some stuff, or check in. Take care and remember
"It isn't about the Destination it's all about the Journey"
and "If your going through hell...Well my friends that isn't the place to stop"
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Focused on healing
Hi Friends I am in Colorado Springs, Colorado at the base of Pike Peak, the highest peak in the USA. I will be visiting the Garden of the Gods and Seven Falls while I am here. I have 6 of 12 Indian healing stones and my friends here is going to assist me to make a pouch to carry them in while I participate in an Indian Vision Quest and Sweat lodge Ceremony. The train ride was long and painful and sometimes presented some challenges but, I am reassured that I can manage this trip much the same way as I handle everything else one step at a time. The train ride allowed me to visit my past with a slightly different perspective. It didn't seem so raw and painful. Watching the world go by realizing just what a small part of it I am, and thinking about what I need to accomplish. I brought my writing pad and I am writing along the way. I will write more later I just wanted to let everyone know I am ok.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Poetry - copywritten
Shell's Sea
The surf is rumbling
through my brain
tides of dreams fill my soul
life is on the verge of change
I am stronger than I was yesterday
my dreams are returning
the tide is coming in again
crashing into the surf
dreams of a passing fancy
tommorrow my dreams
will be of something true
I will be loved for being me
the shell
who hears the music in lifes tide
the hushed whisper of the breeze
the roar of natures awesome power
and the music of souls as they enter my sea...
Blue skys ahead
dark storms past
the dreams return.
I'm a Gypsy
I'm a gypsy taking wing
a feather in my hair
dancing by the fire light
then by the moon
hushed whispers of the breeze
says come follow me
a sea of green waving back at me
I'm on a mission
just taking the long road
touching souls
and living free
I'm a gypsy
Flying Fretless
Ever she flies past lifes open flames
like the wind swift and true
she soars over mountains
just hoping to catch the view
the light of steel blue
casts glitter to her wing
the music guides her
straight and true
onward and upward
to the heavens she soars
she's got the mood
she's in the groove
can't touch down
or stay around
if you see her say good bye
she's flyin past lifes open flames
on her way to catch the view...
Michelle Hazard 5/11/03
The surf is rumbling
through my brain
tides of dreams fill my soul
life is on the verge of change
I am stronger than I was yesterday
my dreams are returning
the tide is coming in again
crashing into the surf
dreams of a passing fancy
tommorrow my dreams
will be of something true
I will be loved for being me
the shell
who hears the music in lifes tide
the hushed whisper of the breeze
the roar of natures awesome power
and the music of souls as they enter my sea...
Blue skys ahead
dark storms past
the dreams return.
I'm a Gypsy
I'm a gypsy taking wing
a feather in my hair
dancing by the fire light
then by the moon
hushed whispers of the breeze
says come follow me
a sea of green waving back at me
I'm on a mission
just taking the long road
touching souls
and living free
I'm a gypsy
Flying Fretless
Ever she flies past lifes open flames
like the wind swift and true
she soars over mountains
just hoping to catch the view
the light of steel blue
casts glitter to her wing
the music guides her
straight and true
onward and upward
to the heavens she soars
she's got the mood
she's in the groove
can't touch down
or stay around
if you see her say good bye
she's flyin past lifes open flames
on her way to catch the view...
Michelle Hazard 5/11/03
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