It's been a while

Hi Friends,

I know I haven't posted in a while, I apologize. I have been very comfortable here at my friends and have dealt with a lot of emotional stuff. I also visited with some of my friends. My daughter is all set for college, other than moving into the dorm. My sons baby is due any day, and I'm ready for the second leg of my Journey. Taking baby steps and reading, I am going to be fine. I'll be absent for a bit, please keep me in your prayers.

Flying Fretless

Ever she flies past lifes open flames

like the wind swift and true

she soars over mountains

just hoping to catch the view

the light of steel blue casts glitter to her wing

the music guides her

straight and true

onward and upward

to the heavens she soars

she's got the mood

she's in the groove

can't touch down

or stay around

if you see her say good bye

she's flyin past lifes open flames

on her way to catch the view...

Michelle Hazard 5/11/03

I am planning on starting a new feature to my blogger, I have a few friends who can write creatively and I would like to get back into it maybe write a collaberative effort...Watch for it...Love Shell

Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer

Sunday. July 7 2004 Sent to mail...8/21

“You have to say it to believe it” + me = recovery

I began this week by reading from a book a friend gave me, since I began my Journey with a book and I was reminded to seek clarity. I even stayed in a mission , and attended services and read from the bible. Heard a number of speakers come, who seemed to speak to me, and friends and aquaintences have each given me some sort of reading material. So I am not surprised that my friend gave me this one, I think I am ready to heal. The title is “Beauty For Ashes” by Joyce Meyer (link)
I havent gotten very far into the book I am on page 49…but the topic is “ receiving emotional healing” I can now identify things that make up the disorder at least in my case. I catch myself all the time being my own worst abuser I have to fix that part of me by: “receiving emotional healing” In the book she descibes her life so far as one which mirrors me, but for a few minor exceptions. She describes my inability to love because I don’t know what it is…She describes my guilt and shame….and again I am only on page 49 because I am amazed that I am not alone, there is someone else in this world who is on the road to recovery. Through Jesus “ all things are possible”. (quote)


I am in a panic mode, so I need to calm down.
I don’t have to run off to the beach , but I can go if I choose to go there.
I can stay here because I am house sitting for a friend when she leaves on vacation next week
Kid is ready for college
Other ones in the oven
Overqualified for a position at a Christian Camp, but underqualified for sharing the true
love of Jesus.
I don’t have to keep doing stuff I shouldn’t be, like moving around a bunch of too heavy boxes. It just isn’t worth the additional pain…I have a high pain tolerance and currently taking Ultram only when I can’t stand or sit….which is far too long to wait….I need to boost my metabolism. And I am off Prozac. I weined myself off them over a month as I currently have the wrong states medicaid.
I am processing options all the way through, considering the consequences.
Atta Girl

I am a Survivor

sent to mail 7/21

I can't do this...I can't pretend to be friends...By pretend I mean that you see no hope for a future...Where my hope is justing becoming true...We spoke (typed) about our fellow hope...and also said I am raw..my heart is bleeding it's been so wrapped up in barbed wire that I thought I might bleed to death...I can see myself changing for the better, accepting me for who I turned out to be...When I started my Journey I didn't know who I was, these last few months have turned out to be very enlightening. I discovered that I didn't want to pretend that hope of loving someone who couldn't love me back wasn't hurting me. It's difficult to keep that feeling of desperate hope alive, in a healthy fashion. I like that part of me who can find hope in even the most hopeless conditions, of which I have endured many. I am a survivor in it's truist form.
Yet I don't have to accept something in my life that hurts me, I can turn my scars into stars and fill the sky....

New Plans

Hi friends, sent to mail 7/21

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have a tendency to put other people first, I worry about what they are doing and I sometimes forget that I should be worried about where I am going. I have been working hard at trying to keep things in perspective in my own world. Which is why I am writing today. My daughter is an angel, who God put in my life, she has been an example to live by. She is working at a Christian camp called Springhill 44* in Michigan. It has occurred to me that I love kids and they seem attracted to me, I mean I have never met a kid who didn't like me. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching them in whatever situation presents itself. I think due to my disabilities the disc fusion and arthritis I would have a hard time in a traditional job. Plus my PTSD which I am learning about all the time, but I am in no way cured. I need more time to heal from all the wounds, I still have flashbacks to instances of abuse, and I still am my own worst abuser. I also know I can't survive on the limited income of SSI it's supposed to supplement income but I don't have any other. I am writing a resume and will be submitting it to the camp in the hopes that I can work with little kids, we can grow in our spiritual lives together. I have a hard time sometimes with my faith and letting god handle my problems. Children have such a unique view and I think we can grow with one another.
When I am busy I don't have the time to think about the past. So get busy! ATTA Girl


It’s easier to see the connections to a poor coping mechanisms. Not so easy to impliment new ones. Next step is a baby step, but I’m not sure which way it’s going.


I can’t stand confrontation…I can’t think about anything but where and what the persons hands are doing…and a raised voice frightens me. I become paralized with fear. Occasionally I will pass this edge of my comfort zone and raise my voice, my response never matches what I would have liked to have said. I would prefer to walk away and compose myself and if necessary write it down. Than say something – 1. I can’t take back (spewed in anger), and 2. I don’t want to lose sight of what caused the potential confrontation, because I wan’t to avoid another one. I can run away from confrontations or I can choose to not get into them. How about understanding where the reaction comes from, yep you guessed it abuse.. Ok I have identifyed the problem.
Recently I avoided a confrontation it cost me a friendship of sorts. Granted the friendship was a combination of two worlds. The old Michelle and the learning one of present day. That included the past patterns that I developed in regards to unhealthy relationships. Confrontations are at least from my perspective unhealthy. In a healthy relationship two people can communicate as equals. I think if given an equal platform a disagreement wouldn’t have to escalate to a confrontation.
So now I have taken responsibility for the past patterns, and identified a solution. Surround myself with healthy people who can communicate in a non threatening way. When a confrontaion does arrise, don’t feel bad because I chose to walk away, it’s ok. I haven’t compromised myself. I grew up with unhealthy confrontations and as an adult I choose to give my self permission to walk away.

Retelling of the story has made it easier to say…
You know you have to say it to believe it…

Shells Photo Album

sent to mail 7/29





Hi, Its me and one of my cake decorating masterpieces, a five tier butterfly garden.


Posted by Hello

Music is in my Soul

sent to mail 7/29

The first friend who introduced me to my life of a music lover was a fellow named Kevin. I haven’t seen him since 1977. He played the bass, could handle himself on a drum set and he played rhythm guitar. He also gave me my first kiss, on the banks of the Sacromento River, I so love the river. He was way too young for me being 2 years my junior and me being 4000 miles away from home. It just didn’t seem right, we had a lot of fun together but he was in love with his high school sweetheart, I didn’t have a prayer at a relationship. He took me to his band practice and showed me how to use the sound board. They were totally Garage band, but at times could pull out to a really great sound. He also spoiled me as I would prefer a bass played with fingers instead of picked. There is just so much more sound to a finger play….I discovered that the popular music here in Michigan was on a two month or so delay. Bob Seger (Yes, Detroit Michigan Native), Pablo Cruise, Boz Scaggs, Daryll Hall and John Oates, Earth Wind and Fire, Heart, Nazareth geesh the list goes on and on…when I got back here these already my favorite songs were just being played after I had already been home 2 months. Went to San Franciso in a banana yellow VW bug, with the best 8 track money could buy. Turned it off and listened to the radio instead. I can still remember how free I felt...
I went to Wing's Stadium in Kalamazoo to see an outdoor concert, one of the guys I worked with was playing. When I got there they were having some difficulty setting up as they were running late. I pitched in and helped, with the experiences I had in California it was easy for me to help instead of be in the way. I liked the sound they had, my friend, ironically named Kevin t too played the keyboards. He had a Hammond organ with a seperate leslie cabinet. I eventually became their roady as I could go to the bars with them and feel safe. I helped load in and out and occasionally run the sound or lights.

cont...

WHOA!!!!

Hi Friends, sent to mail 7/21
I titled this piece "whoa" because I need to regroup, chaos is threatening, or should I say looming. I traveled a lot of miles in the last few months. Some of the mental miles (If you have PTSD then you know what I mean) didn't feel as tiring as the mental mileage I've gotten since being back here. I have been bombarded with some pretty heavy emotional burdens. I came back on the train at 7:30pm after having ridden the train for 12 hours. I was met at the station by my son and future daughter in-law and her 3 children 18 month old twins and a 4 year old. I am already Grandma to these kids and she is pregnant due in late August or Early September, with my sons child. I was tired and visited with them for a short time, at my friends house.
The next day they announced that my son had to go out of town for work and they were homeless. Well I couldn't have asked my friend if they could stay there? So I went with my daughter in=law to my parents house borrowed 50 bucks and took her out to Lake Michigan for what I assumed would be for a week. So, now I accepted responsibility for my sons problems and I have to figure out how to give it back. My daughter surprised us all with a visit, she has been working at a Christian Camp for the summer to help with her college.
She also knows that I'm gullible, and can become the victim easily.
Now don't let me kid ya here she loves Lake Michigan as much or more than I do. She was concerned about me before I even took my daughter in-law out there. I so hope I'm not holding her back with this disorder and my constant battles. Well anyway I struggled camping this time, which is something that seems impossible, at least for me. I love to camp and I'm quite calm and mellow given the right circumstances. I used to camp with both of my kids and have lots of fond memories. This time was horrible I felt like I was being tossed into a situation I couldn't control nor accept. Neither my son or his girlfriend have enough patience to be parents to 4 children. They seem to yell at the kids 24/7, and neither one wanted to chase them either. I tried to take them on walks as far as I could go, they are so cute and say some pretty funny stuff. I cannot pick them up because of my disc fusion, so when they bumped their shins or skinned their knees, we stopped and I comforted them and then we limped back to camp.
I was allowed less and less time with the kids and if I said anything to them for misbehaving I was undermining their Mother. I decided that I couldn't stay because I want to be grandma and if I can save them from being yelled at for a couple hours that's all I wanted. It just made her mad, which in turn made my son angry because she wouldn't talk to me but made him play the middle. I told my daughter that I was leaving which is when she told me that my son had lost everything I had left in his care. All the keepsakes I had saved for the kids, her awards and certificates, her diploma etc. etc, all gone. I had known about it and assumed that he had told her before then.
So now the emotions are really flying I told my son I was ready to leave and he informed me that he wasn't taking me back to Kalamazoo until the next day.
I was so frustrated and angry and confused I wanted out of my haven, the haven that turned into a nightmare. I grabbed the suitcases I have dragged from one side of the country to the other and tried to walk the 45 minute drive. I made it to the telephone before reason kicked in, and I decided to make some phone calls. I ended up sleeping on the beach until a thunderstorm came in then I slept on a picnic table in the pavilion. I avoided any direct confrontation with the kids and left not saying the things I probably needed to. I would rather leave it open than say something I might regret later.
So now I am trying to take care of my daughters college paper work it seems as we are 4000 short for her school this year. It has to be a paper glitch I just hope it isn't my glitch.
Oh I almost forgot! Not really I can't forget it like I can't forget all the things my Dad said when I was a kid. When I went to borrow the money he had to remind me that my son being homeless is not surprising because wasn't I in the same situation?
Well by golly he is right I am homeless and wandering around the country like a damned gypsy....

The Fourth of July

Hi Friends,
Still alive, I am currently camping on Lake Michigan with my 23 year old son and future daughter in-law her three children a 4 year old and 18 month old twins. She is now 5 months pregnant. If you have been with me throughout this journey than you already know the kids are the reason I went on the traveling portion of my Journey. They (both son and daughter in law) do not have the patience I always had for the kids and the things kids do, like picking up rocks and sticking them in their mouths it's just something kids do. Instead of redirecting them they immediately get a spanking and a time out. It has made for some miserable camping, so I am not staying with them I am going to go back to Kalamazoo for a minute then up to Big Rapids to help my daughter with her financial aid for college. I also plan on taking a canoe trip even if I have to go alone. I think I need some more alone time. While in Kansas I succeeded in pissing off a dear friend. Well sorry this is so short and brief I new that some of you would worry not having heard from me. So until the next time Happy 4th of July and safe vacationing.

Fathers Day

Tomorrow I am leaving Kansas on a Journey back to Michigan, I am feeling very melancholy. I do not want to go back to Michigan I don't feel like I should be going there yet. Where I should be is the golden question. Yesterday was Fathers Day my son called to wish me a Happy Fathers Day I was his Father and Mother as he grew up. His genetic Father as I explained earlier was an alcoholic and didn't want to be a part of his life until he was dying of cancer. I had to be both roles a father and mother to my kids, I can't even pretend to think I possibly filled the shoes of the male role. I preferred the physical rigors of outdoor work and instilled those values in my son. My past abuse issues made it so the discipline was the hardest part for me, I abhor violence of any kind. You know that old saying "Boys will be boys" some people told me I would make a woos out of my son by not allowing him to kick the crap out of people who angered him. Of course when I wasn't around he got into fisticuffs with school mates but I would always tell him to look for a better solution. Physical violence never solves anything. He helped his sister when she was about 12 years old prepare for a fight. It seems as there was a bully girl at school and she just wouldn't leave my daughter alone, knowing how I felt she didn't come to me about it but went to her brother for advice. Since the kids were normal they had done their fair share of scrapping as they grew, and her big brother knew her weaknesses. After the fight was over my daughter found that the fight did not solve anything, but she garnered support with her peers and the girl was no longer a threat she didn't look as tough anymore persay.
It was that year that they realized that I wasn't so far off about the issue and when Fathers Day came around they gave me a card and said Happy Fathers Day. When I called my father yesterday he was too busy to talk to me, he had to glue a chair? I so wish I had a relationship with a man that was healthy, someone to share those moments in my children's life when only a male perspective seems to fit. Oh well, Happy Fathers Day, Dad.

Lap 1

In a couple days I am going to complete a lap around the USA, Having traveled for four months in chronic pain has been a challenge and some say I am courageous. I don't feel courageous, and I feel just as lost as when I set out in February. I have no home, I have no monetary assets, and really no future. I'll eek out a future but it's so hard to plan for the future when you can't let go of the past. Every time I think I have made progress something else comes in to recreate the victim. I have been the victim for so long, I want to stop the cycle but I'm just not sure how.
I feel like I should isolate myself from the world sometimes so that I can't create more pain for myself. I create my crisis, I make myself the victim. They say that accepting responsibility for your own actions is a good first step, so whats the second step? Change the thought pattern, accept that things are not as they seem, and the perception of the responsibility you hold may be skewed. Even if I isolated myself from the world I would still create chaos. Dang, I hate this disorder!
Anyway I'll be back in Michigan for the summer to see my kids and become a Grandma so til next time....Peace

Arrested Development

Well this is hard to admit to I thought I had it figured out. I rented the trailer then called the Electric Company to have the Utilities put in my name..."150 dollar deposit, and we can turn that on for you mame" "Oh your a first time user here it will cost you 40 dollars to have it hooked up."
I had enough for rent not for all that...I immediately told the landlord and he refunded my money as he didn't want me to rent it if I didn't have utilities. Apparently it gets real hot here even in the shade. So I am going to visit my friend Ron in Kansas then I guess I'll go back to Michigan.
The good news is what I recently learned about childhood trauma. It is a theory that when a child suffers a traumatic event whatever coping skills they already have are the ones they rely on, even as adults. That's not to say I had good coping skills because I didn't. My coping skill was being passive aggressive. Like the chocolate chip cookies, by gosh if I was going to be beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies I sure as heck was going to eat them. I went out of my way to do things my father told me I couldn't do. Like skipping school he told us that we better not skip, I did it all the time not for smoking purposes or drinking I really had no clue as to what kids did when they skipped. I went to the West Main Mall and played foosball (table hockey). I played against professional players and they taught me to make bank shots I could play both offense and defense and even played in a couple of 100,000 dollar tournaments.
Then as a young adult I still tried to anger my father, I hung out with people who did drugs even trying some myself. Started smoking, figured out what sex was and made up for lost time. It wasn't really lost time I felt that way I was sweet 18 and got my first kiss on the Sacramento River in California. I worked in strip clubs, and even danced for a while. I wrestled in Jello and Chocolate pudding, losing my title in Hot oil. Ah, I'm straying from the point. I don't believe I made a conscience decision rather it was the coping skill which set me up for skewed thinking.
Later I had some extremely strange passive aggressive moments. There was a fellow I knew who kept asking me if he could borrow my truck. It seemed as though whenever he took the truck it would come back to me missing a fender or low on fluids or empty of gas. I couldn't seem to garner enough strength to tell him no, instead I came across a spray paint can and embellished on both sides of my truck "Michelle's Caddy". My son had given me Cadillac hubcaps for my birthday as a gag gift. Now you know that guy wouldn't go anywhere near my truck anymore. LOL
I also sent a funeral bouquet of flowers to a friend or rather an exfriend after he wouldn't talk to me for a month. With a card that simply said " My condolences on the recent death of a friendship" The problem was I sent black roses and I sent him the flowers at his job.
I recognized this as passive aggressive, albeit somewhat funny but not really, I hurt myself by not learning better coping mechanisms. My passive aggressive tendencies didn't affect my relationship with woman in quite the same manner, I was just passive.
It will be interesting to learn more about what coping mechanisms I use and which ones need attention.

Good News!

Hi Friends,
Thanks for the prayers they did marvelous things. I found an apartment. Well rather a studio apartment, very small but a place to reside. It's not too far from Dothan and I can afford it. I don't have a computor there, and it's a little too far to walk. So when I come to town I'll try and come here to the library and give you all an update. For now I have a doctor and a theripist, and we will see how it goes. So for now, know that I am ok, and that I have the best part of my Journey coming soon. I'll be working very hard on stopping the negative self talk, and looking for ways to see myself more clearly. Again Thank You all and God Bless. Love Shell

"Brand New Morning"

Dear Friends,
I know you'll be dismayed after reading this post, but I am OK. I need to find another place to stay and don't have a clue as to where to go. I don't have enough money to get an apartment but do have enough to buy a tent. I have camped before and I can do it again. I won't be able to access my email as regular as I have in the recent past.
I received a copy of Bob Segers music one in particular has given me hope for the future. It seems as I need a "Brand New Morning" . The lyrics can be found at Segerfile.com, part of the lyrics refers to the past and the past being ancient history. I am a member of Segernet.com, which was an effort to get Bob Seger into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (He made it this year!) Through Segernet I have learned a lot about myself, my inferiority complex caused some real problems in the beginning. I was really new to the computer and didn't understand it. I was stressed out, going through some classes for Domestic Violence. A friend of mine wrote an article for the Chicken Soup series about me and it was accepted. I wrote about it at segernet which really wasn't an appropriate forum to write about it. When I was asked not to write about DV I reacted in a classic PTSD response when I got Gateway timeouts I thought I had been banned for my reaction. I wasn't but I told my son who reacted to it as an insult to his mother. The problems was, there was no problem, my son wouldn't back down and was eventually banned. I regretted the whole thing, but decided to remain a member to learn.
It took me several months to figure out what a gateway timeout was, and when I finally did I felt like an idiot. I'm not, of course I've learned a lot from the whole incident, about computers, Bob Seger, and an important lesson in not jumping to conclusions.
So when my friend asked me to find another living arrangement, because her niece is here with her family, my initial reaction was to jump to a conclusion. I haven't done anything wrong. It's just time for me to go. So I will figure something out, I always do, God is with me, and has a plan. "It's a Brand New Morning, It's a Brand New Day"

PTSD all mixed up

Hi Friend,
I've been here a month and have discovered a lot about myself which is cool but, I was supposed to live by myself for a while. It hasn't worked out that way actually it is border line chaos. I was staying with my friends Aunt, my friend had an arguement with her mother whom she lived with. So they are staying with the aunt as well. I love having the kids around 3 of them all under the age of 4, and all boys. They say the funniest things!
The problem is, not only am I never alone, in a small 2 bedroom house. I am sleeping on a couch. I was asked to make other arrangements for a place to stay as blood is thicker than water, which I totally understand.
So, I came in to post something that has been on my mind. It would seem that what you read here is all there is going on. Not so, the thoughts race through my head all the waking hours. It's hard to catch all the negative thing's I hurl at myself. When my friends Aunt asked me to find another arrangement, I started to think about what I could have possibly done to make her mad enough to throw me out. Previously I wouldn't ask what that was, just beat myself to death with negatives. I changed the pattern I asked if I had done something to make her angry. It took me several hours to get to that point but I'm glad I did. She isn't angry with me, I didn't do anything wrong, but she said " I think you would be better off living alone or out of the chaos anyway."
" But I can't ask my niece to leave. "
Immediatly the next round of negatives came in, what am I going to do? I can't afford to live on my own, unless I can get a subsidized apartment. I can't get a subsidized apartment because of my credit history. The student loan. Credit cards.
Utility companies...Etc. It (PTSD) is a vicious cycle. Even though I am identifying when my inner voice is negative. It seems as though there is always something else, that brings the negative back in. Very frustrating.

God helps those who help themselves, even when they have PTSD.

Wow that was powerful stuff, I'm feeling liberated to a certain degree. A friend of mine had a hard time reading one of my earlier posts as my feelings smacked of a very depressed person. Let's face it I am. I need to find the connections to what happenend in my past in order to change the corresponding negetive path in my brain.
Now that I have identified that the flashbacks of being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies had a powerful effect on me,I am going to try to explain what I have discovered. I discovered I could cause problems for this woman who professed to LOVE the seven stepchildren- heathens, yet the mere word "heathen" would make me scour the cupboards to eat again. Heathen was one of the nicer taunts. I was out to get the wicked stepmother, but at the same time I set myself up to be hurt, so I could forget about what was happening. Cause and effect.

I can't go back and fix any of my past but I can change the negative forces of PTSD. I will recover!

PTSD Plea?

Friday, May 14, 2004
A Journey to self, PTSD recovery
http://shellssea.blogspot.com
Michelle Hazard

To Whom it may concern,


If your reading this then you have already accessed my site. Due, in part to my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I began this chronicle. To chronicle my Journey, one I took very seriously. I raised two children on welfare. The statistics are, that as a single parent my children should have criminal records, be on the street doing drugs and/ or hurting other people. Neither of my kids fell into the stigmas given them by my status. The welfare system is an all or nothing system. Several times in the 23 years it took me to raise the kids I went to ask for help only when I didn’t have any other option. Shortly after selling everything but the keepsakes, that I had diligently saved for my kids.

I was self employed, no health insurance, rented a house had a car and for the first time in my life I was paying the bills I owed (except the student loans) on 200 hundred dollars a week. After being threatened with gauranteement from a waitress position. One half of all that I made. I worked for a Holiday Inn as a server. The women who were employed there were out to make their own living, as a new comer I was given the smoking section or one large table while the rest of the section and of course the money went to those who had worked the longest. I didn’t make much so when threatened I did the only thing I could think of I quit.
I could n’t afford to lose half of my income anymore than someone who made 300,000 a year.
So I became a sub contractor. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to not pay the Social Security Taxes that would normally come directly from my employer, but ignorance is no excuse. When I became disabled in 2001, I was healthy other than being overweight but I had re-lost over 100 lbs in the years following my hospitalization in 1996. I had coached and played softball the previous summer with a co-ed group. The sudden onset of excruciating pain in my lower back sent me to the doctor, since I didn’t regularly see a physician I had to apply for medicaid. The physicians list provided 5 to 7 local doctors 90% of which were no longer excepting new clients. Which hasn’t changed since 2001; but, I found if I went to the emergency room they would assign me a follow up doctor and that was the way I could “ pick your doctor”.
I’ve been told by several people I shouldn’t expect the doctors to care about me. They are overworked. As they can only allow 15 minutes time to “visit” with a patient. There is no way on God’s green earth that a doctor can read the paperwork you have to fill out. The only thing he is going to be concerned about is what is happening today. By the time I spill out what has happened in the 3 years since that spring of 2001 my time is over. None of my suggestion as to what to do about my care is covered under medicaid. I need aqua aerobics. I need to know what stage of menopause I am in. I need total knee replacements, with my weight as it is I’ll never walk again. I asked about the possibility of a gastric bypass which my new orthopedic physician suggested. His reply? It isn’t a covered benefit. I have done the seesaw weight loss and weight gain+ for years and have a pear shape. My mother died of an extremely fast type of Breast Cancer, at age 34. My sister has Non Hodgkin Lymphoma. Both sides of my family have heart disease in their histories as well as stroke and high blood pressure. My blood pressure has maintained a healthy range throughout the past three years. I had about a three year struggle with gingivitis and huge abscesses which only ended after having my teeth pulled in 2002. I had an ovarian cyst implode during an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) sending the fluid back into my uterus. I had orthoscopic surgery done on my left knee in May along with a second D and C for the regulation of my cycle (always irregular). Then one month later I had the same surgery done on my right knee. I pushed myself to get moving again and to repair the damage to the knees. They removed bone spurs which were tearing the ligaments.

The lower back pain which has been there since this began, although less intense as when it started remains. The only diagnosis is overweight or obesity.
My question is simply this:

Should I agree with the diagnosis of totally and permanently disabled, or can an allowance be made to review my case with a representative of the Medicaid system, so I can follow my
Dream of being self sufficient?


Saturday February 15

Response:


No you shouldn't consider yourself permanently disabled. But instead of looking for what the doctor can do for me let's see what you can do for yourself!

Look up information on eating disorders you have one.
storms
mirrors
abuse- as seen on TV, w/ flashbacks being beaten for eating chocolate chip cookies, I ate more cookies everyday to make up for the beatings I didn't deserve.
when sad
when nervous
when scared
when bored
when lonely
Which would make a gastric bypass moot. Very dangerous combination.

I eat stress creating a physical effect. Cause and effect.

Ok so now what?

Interactive blogger

Hi friends you can now click on the comment in blue at the bottom of each post. If there isnt one I havent yet opened it for comment. If you would like it opened please ask here in this one I will consider it. Thanks Michelle

Mothers Day

Accolade
Kalamazoo Gazette

She's learning her way to a self supporting life

Michelle Hazard may have no phone and no car and, until now no education beyond high school. But she has more gumption than a host of other Kalamazoo people together. In Hazards first term at Kalamazoo Valley Community College which ended April 29, she pulled down a neat 4.0 grade average. Thats all A's.

After being away from the classroom since high school graduation in 1976, Hazard was intimidated by the thought of taking classes at KVCC.. She thought that she could in no way do it. says Kathy Schacher, Hazard's friend and mentor. The two were paired through the YWCA's Helping Ourselves Means Education (HOME) program, in which women on aid who are trying to become self-supporting are matched with mentors.

Hazard has known homelessness and near brushes with homelessness. She has managed to work her way off public assistance a number of times, but not yet permanently.

Hazard's driving ambition now is to get the education which will allow her to get a good enough job to support herself and her two children, Anthony, 10, and Heather, 6, and never again have to fall back on assistance.

She's not afraid of hard work. She has worked two and three minimum wage jobs at a time trying to provide for her youngsters. But she worries profoundly about being away from them for the hours that working like that requires. My children are my life, she says.

Michelle is very resourceful, Schacher says with admiration. She thought she was going to fail. But I don't know what's going to stop her now.

Although Hazard is engaged in a battle for financial survival for her children and herself, she still has time and energy to do for those around her.

She is a volunteer at Housing Resources Inc., and has written and received a grant to start a program designed to promote home sharing.

The grant application asked for $2,500 but officials at the Greater Kalamazoo United Way were so impressed with the idea and its presentation that it was awarded $3,500 from the GKUW's Creative Options Program, a joint effort with the Fetzer Institute.

Housing Resources has offered office space for the program and although Hazard is not sure exactly when the program will begin, she is working on it when she can to make sure it will be successful.

Hazard is really motivated, says Ellen Kissinger-Rothi, Housing Resources director, and believes if anyone can make a good idea such as this go, it is Hazard.


Hazard gives a lot of the credit for the turn around in her life to the mentoring and support she has received through HOME and KVCC's Achievement Plus programs and most of all to God.

But some of the credit also must go to Hazard's determination and courage in deciding that it's time for me to take care of myself.




Well now there is an article! (Other than it's grammatical errors) It should have made me swell with pride and further my determination, right? Had I been "normal" it might have. These were the surrounding factors that made this article a slap in the face for me. I never hung it up on the wall but secluded it to the keepsake box. The day it came out in the paper was none other than Mothers Day, my kids had made me a peanut butter pancake for breakfast in bed. (grilled and smashed peanut butter sandwich), brought to me on a tray with orange juice and the paper.
We spent a little over an hour sitting there that morning one child on each side of me as they appreciated their Mom, we laughed and talked til they had devoured the peanut butter sandwich. Then I sat down in the living room to read the paper. When I saw the article I called the kids in and they were both trying to see my picture. When there was a knock on the door. It was my daughters father, he wanted visitation even though he knew it was Mothers Day and therefore not a visitation day. He pushed past me and scooped my daughter up and began berating me in front of her. He said, " Boy you sure have those people fooled, if they only knew what a fat lazy b(^$% you really are! It doesn't matter Michelle, when I take you to court I'm going to get custody. (It was shortly after Heather witnessed an altercation between her dad and his wife, she threatened to stab him with a pair of scissors.) I was feeling bolstered by the article and said " No, you won't be getting custody the violence that has now been documented will not allow you to, Now if you don't mind I want you to leave as this is Mothers Day not a visitation day."
He replied as he took steps closer still holding Heather until he was almost touching me and pointed his finger as he said Real adults have arguements, Oh yeah that's right you don't know how to have a relationship. I put my hands out to take my daughter who was reaching for me and he backed up and took off with my daughter. I called the police and was told that I would have to report it on Monday but they had no jurisdiction to bring her back..
I then called my parents home as I knew my sister would be there, when the phone was answered it was my step-mother. It was then that I found out I was an embarrassment to my family. Homeless? I was a failure and now all of Kalamazoo knew it, how could my father show his head in this community again?
Each Mother's Day thats what I think about, not what I should be thinking about, but what a failure I was.

Authors edit: Tuesday
I wanted to write about how I felt this Mothers Day after pulling this article out of the package, I carried it on this Journey more as something I needed to refute in my own mind. Turn it around and make it positive. The flashbacks that accompanied this return to the past was difficult to write about and I was out of energy after writing what I had. Today is a new day and I know that I am still the person who made a choice to take care of myself, those long years ago. It hasn't been easy nor is it over one day at a time.

ATTA Girl

Today Friday May 14th my daughter sent me a Mothers Day card, considering that she just got done with her first semester of college and is preparing to be a camp counselor at a Young Life Camp. I was surprised and now I have something else to dwell on, she wrote the following in my card:

The front of the card says:
Mom, you made me what I am today.
the inside says:
One Lucky kid! Thanks and Happy Mothers Day

She wrote:
Momma,
I hope I get to see you soon, but if I don't I just wanted to tell you I love you....so so so so much.

Thank you for always being someone
I can talk to and not worry about
you not loving me anymore.

Thank you mom for always putting
me first and loving it...lol

Thank you Mom for supporting me
in everything I do and doing what
you can.

Thank you Mom for washing my butt
and cleaning my wounds, and making
me laugh when I am sad.

Thank you Mom for your smile and your
giving heart, smiling face and outgoing
personality.

Thank you Mom for my blue eyes and
half grown in eyebrows, I see you whenever
I look in the mirror.

Thank You Mom, for trusting in Jesus and
loving him in all situations.

Dear Brothers and Sisters (mothers) whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. - James 1:2-3 -

I love you so much because your a strong, courageous, God fearing, loving , patient (most of the time) faithful woman of God.
I know you'll never give up. And I love you for that!
Mom ThankYou so much for being who you are, for without you I wouldn't be who I am.

Forever Your loving daughter


If the person who I think I failed the most, my children, love me like she describes than I haven't failed at all.

The Power of Negative Thinking

Negative thinking comes from years of seeing myself as a failure. I was told I wouldn't amount to anything and I lived it. Its like this, if someone mentions an apple what do you picture? I nice shiny bright crisp apple? I picture a mushy one with a worm poking it's head out. I learned about the force of "positive thinking" back in 1996 my first trip to the hospital. I still struggle with the concept daily and in the past week or so I forgot about it totally. I began to see the worm in every situation, not letting myself picture myself as a "success" is my catalist to failure.
While traveling I seemed to not be so negative but in all reality I was basically in survival mode. While not dwelling on the real issues in my life for a minute was nice the down time that I have had since coming here reminds me that I still think in negative patterns. My friends used to say " Michelle why are you so negative all the time?" My response would be "What do you mean I'm not negative." I wasn't able to see that by talking about not being able to stand up and succeed I was setting myself up to fail.
My goals for the week:
Read the Information from A Ticket to Work Disibility
make contacts with prospective resources
Think Positively Identify when the thinking returns to negative nonproductive chatter
"ATTA GIRL"

Sidetracked By Storm

The fear factor was high the last two days I ate snack foods at an alarming rate. I have a fear of thunderstorms and we've had two days of them. When I was young, the lightening mesmerized me and the thunder scared me. I would gasp or scream when the thunder would shake the windows. Counting the seconds from the lightening strikes to the thunder did not help it just made me more afraid when it was close. During a particularly loud storm was passing my father had had enough of my nonsense and took me outside when I wouldn't stop screaming. He gave me several chances to stop I just could not control my angst. Well in the yard the storm seemed even more fierce and he yelled at me and told me I could come back in when I could control myself. Well I stayed outside in a crumpled heep screaming into the earth. I don't remember him taking me back inside only that I didn't go in myself. I never screamed again when storms went through you could find me buried in my bed. As a young adult, I was driving for Metro Transit the year was 1980 three to five tornadoes ripped through the city. I was in the middle of that storm as I had just gotten off my shift, It came in fast and furious and left just as quickly. As a city employee I was required to act like a member of the National Guard. I returned to work and was told to go downtown, I helped to dig out behind the JC Penney building where the whole side of the building had collapsed upon an elevated cross walk leading to a parking garage. There were 5 people buried alive in there. When we found the first lady and pulled her out she was smashed beyond human recognition. I lost my cookies and was asked to go to the Hilton a large conventions center in mid town. Where I had to take glass out of peoples hair and send them to emergency personel if it was something serious. It was an extremely long day and weeks to follow and my fear of storms turned into an emotional battle field. When I hear news broadcasts of storms or sirens I get a sick feeling and my heart races, and I have difficulty swallowing and feel like I am going to choke. (part of the reason I don't watch TV) After the storm arrives and is raging outside I eat, not because I am hungry I'm not sure why...but what I do know is I need to ask for an anti anxiety med for just those times. I can't escape all the storms and I can't gorge myself when they come.